7-8-04

I called Caleb up at work yesteray to see if he still wanted to go to new york. During the conversation he decided to explain why he was mad at me. He said that gabriel told him… wait I am a little confused… back up.

When Caleb and I were fighting about something stupid that icant even remember, and the two of them were about to drive away, caleb commented that gabriel would basically turn around and change his story (after they drove away) and that the whole this was to appease me. I asked him ” Is he really that shallow” and he sauid “yes” and then I said ” so why are you friends with him?” I dont remember any other words really exchanged right then because we were outside , I was sooo medicated and they were driving away.

Somehow the “me asking caleb if gabriel is that shallow” turned through the grapevine into me saying that “caleb said gabriel is shallow…. I was ultimately taken aback by the whole thing. I had told everyone I was ultimately confused (sedated and flashy)

The night before that, me and gabriel had a really long hear to heart talk. That is why I was so confused when caleb implied in the parking lot that he might ever say one thing and then another. I did not get it. Half in this world, and half in another, I struggled to understand why caleb would say gabrielle would change his mind…. I was not even aware of my last name at that point.

Upon speaking the caleb for the first time yesterday it was made clear to me that he was joking about gabriel. I should have known that gabriel would not do something like that but I was so spazzed on the flashes and meds. He did say today, that he had not taken the fact that i was all flashy and sedated into consideration when it all happened.

Ten Minutes Until Noon

Project “get gabriel to work really early”, followed by project ” stay awake to to go back downtown and pick him up between 9:30 and 10 AM” were both accomplished smoothly. I think the epiphany about “can’t” versus “wopnt’” has really sunk into my brain farther than I thought it would. I thought I wold have to fight myself consciously over every “wont”. But, here I am, driving all over and not ONE SINGLE ANXIETY ATTACK. Caleb and I are mending our hurt feelings, taking the time we need. i had never considered that the closer two people become as friends, and the more they REALLY care about one another, the more a “CLASH” will take it’s toll.

in the beginning when i did not know him as intimately as i do now, when getting on each others nerves was not anything to feel bad about because in order to feel the freedom that a friendship with a depth that is immessurable. one must also have to, at one time or another visit the pit of dispair with the same person. the longer you know each other, the more that person means to you and the more vulnerable you have to make your selves to each other. vulnerable is a scary place to go, especially when one of you or the other might suddenly lash out. in a momentary loss of the trust we have to learn to trust and returst.

ok back to the concepts of “can’t” and “won’t”. i am humbling myself to the level of admitting that i am this big sorry ole “poor me” case. i have no reason to let any of the negitivity get to me. ok it would be unrealistic to assume or really believe it will all go away at once.

3:06 pm gabriels living room on calebs moms old couch

i don’t know if i mentioned earlier that caleb had asked gabriel for lunch, and then also asked me. in fact, he informed me either right to me or through gabriel that my lunch was going to be on him.

now the “owing me lunch” thing from caleb originated a few months ago and i don’t even remember paying for him. in fact the only thing i believe i recall about him buying me lunch was that there was a condition on which resturant said luch would be had. i also believe that there was another important thing…. we had to go during a certain shift, but i can’t for the life of me remember why.

speaking of cafe brazil i know i went there recently with (i think) caleb, daniel (gabriels roommate) gabriel and me. i guess caleb was not fulfilled by the visit. i however had a blast. get this a really cute (hetero) waiter walked up to our table and the very first thing he said, while turning to me “hey i remember you from like a year and a half ago. you were sitting over there (he pointed), and your mom was visiting and you have the two young kids also right?”

i was not sure wether to be creeped out or feeling honored. See, after he reminded me, i remember leaning over the table that year and a half ago and giggling with how unbelievably cute he was.

i met a friend who lives downstairs from gabriel her name is aleasha (pronounced ay-leash-uh). i was immediately attracted by her non threatning charisma, her confindence in who she is and the fact that she is not a “girly-girl”.

when i have crushes on females, it’s not the crush that makes me have “those” kinds of feelings for them. in fact i don’t think i feel that way about men. hehe…. it’s a need to bond in feminity. when i envisioned how helen would be born. i kept seeing every scenario i9ncluding women and only women. it was already in my mind bound to be a trible ceremony, the celebration for the great miricale and creation which is all life.

i am a woman, and i brought my second child (after being snagged by dan; the natural brith nazi) into the world using the force and laws of the histories and even further back.

there were no hoses, no fetal monitors on my cervics, as well as the every day wire they insert into the head of the infant. i remember having z at Medical City Dallas (the d building). the last two weeks of that pregnancy sucked cow balls. the anxiety that i’ve had many times in my life (the cosmic booms) that can reduce me to a rocking heap of person. only able to say the serenity prayer. over and over:

“G-D GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”

i remember saying that over and over in my bed while suffering the adverctisement that worried become my adversary attacks are still like that. i imagine that you might have random fears and panic attacks. when the possibilities of being hit or hurt has engraved itself into the reality of ones life. ok how about finding out that you are now being regared in society as a person, free to chose a course of life, to CHOSE.

this has been here all along, places where there are more looks than anyone can ever read in their lifetime (of course i still inten to try to be the first person to read ever book in a library). however not much is being worked on to my goals. when i spend 2 hours playing with “feathers on a string”.

I AM JACKS TANGENT- when i was born, it kind of started with a sudden gus of amnotic fluid.that started pouring out from my nether regions even with every step that i took. once your water is broken there is a certain time limit that can be waited but not TOO long because broken water means exposure to germs that might crawl into your vajing.

i waddled with a large towel between my legs soaking one towel after another. at some point i guess we just shoved a giant sea sponge up there to slow the gushing to a mere consistant droplet stream.

upon arrival they “tested” me to see if indeed my amniotic sack had ruptured (water broke). like geez i am spraying amniotic fluid over the nursing station and in a different area it just trickled down after being projected much like the effect of a sprinkler.

i don’t know if there ever was a kid that looked to my slowly sedating eyes as if he were playing in a sprinkler. OH OH! contractions HURT i feel like i am going to die. where’s my rainbow damn it. somehow i got poked in my spine from the back and a certain very “creepy” and “nerve check” feeling ran up and down my spine. and then after a short while (or a long one) i was doped up. who cares.

cut to the action already. well while the pitocin (a medication to induce labor) was given to me because my “water broke” ( we’ll go into over use of medical intervention some other time). We could watch the contractions on a monitor, kind of like looking at a lie detector test but this thing was easy to read ( it was no lie… there was going to be a baby).

But below the waist I felt nothing, Hell I think I felt nothing below my hair. . The Doctor took his pre birth snooze on the couch in my delivery room (no shit). It did not seem increadibly odd at the time. Nothing seems odd when you are dreaming ( no wait… being given “shut up and stare” meds) straight into the IV.

At some appointed point, the nurse or someone in clothes that looked hospital like, told me to push. PUSH??? PUSH WHAT??? I felt nothing so much that i would not have known if one of my legs had been sledgehammered. ( though it would have hurt like a bitch later.) PUSH PUSH…. The doctor was woken up, or maybe he came to me in his dream and decided to give me an episiotomy ( that is where they make everything easier for them by cutting you up and sewing you back together later).

I did not feel a thing. I wonder though did I need to have my flesh cut up to let out a humungous 5 lb 13 oz baby? Dude, if they would have left him alone, he would have fallen out without all that cutting and sewing and fanfare.

He was immediately whisked off to a table on the other side of the room to make sure he was breathing well on his own, and to attack an identification band on to his wrist or ankle that only had copies worn by myself and Christopher… and if you did not have it , you could not get your baby from the nursery…. Wait? did I say NURSERY??? Oh yeah, after tagging him, he was placed into a baby sized clear plastic boxthat could be rolled around, and wisked right to the nursery… like routine.

But… Of course… I did not care because while all this was going on, I was continuing to count the dots on each ceiling tile. You know, the important stuff.

5:10 PM Waiting for chris

I have always had a certain pet peeve. When I used to ( as I am now) be waiting for christopher outside of his work ( who told me to come at five)I would see person after person come out of the doors. Quitting time, 5:00. Every time the door opens… I feel an anticipation that it might be him…. and then…