6:40 PM Sept 21 2004
Something bit Christopher in the ass again today. I called him up at work just to say hi. I had assumed since it was friday night that he would be slated to be with the kids and I was going to go with him. He asked me if I wanted to use the car to visit my friend (robert). Now, it has been a peave of mine that in the past he has had slated nights off and he did not ever tell me that the car was free…. after all he culd do what he wants, and suffer my anger later. TODAY he asked me did I want to use the car to go visit my friend. I replied to him in a very happy tone, and then settled down and said that the two free nights for the car this week were monday and friday, and since i got it on monday, it was really his “turn” , if there was something he’d want to do , or play saxophone somewhere. I felt like… he had given it to me last time and even though we both wanted something, it was by fair choice, his turn. He only hinted that he’d like to go to “the other tavern that we play in (as opposed to THE tavern that we play in, owned by the same woman. ) A compromise was made. I am going to drop him off there at the other tavern, and I understood and made logical sense out of a good route to the nursing home. I asked Chris if I was right in how I would go, and he said it was fine. I have always been intimidated by that which I don’t know… so if i KNOW how to get to and from the other tavern to the nursing home and back, it becomes no big deal. In fact I think it’s healthy to be afraid of what one does not know. Anyhow that’s not the point. I called robert and he is expecting to see me in a little while. Our conversations have become more mellow and relaxing… He does a lot of listening to me… um… because i talk a lot. He says quiet things, and you have to really listen… and they are either extremely profound or perverted. Chris is here . Off to visit Robert
Sept 21 (2AM but still technicly not the next day)
The idea was a great success. I had been very intimidated many times when I even thought the place of the other tavern. I got the exact route how I would go (cause from that part of town it’s different) and before i left to go back to the other tavern, I made a notation of the directions back. even though it’s the same thing backwards…. I get my lefts and rights confused a LOT. My most intimidating area was right near the other tavern where you have to make a sharp left and one street turns into another… and it becomes generally chaotic for me to comprehend all at once. So I knew… I KNEW coming up on that intersection, I was to make the dramatic left swing ( which has it’s own light) and go forward into the land of parking lots that houses the cars of people that are at taverns at 2am. Man…. I have never seen …. man… people really act fucking weird and i usually dont notice as someone is getting drunk cause you are right there, but to walk in and people you know are all totally smashed… it’s just…. sad.
As it turns out, christopher got to play all the sets with this band that was thre tonight. It wasnt one of his two tegular nights at the other tavern, in fact he did not even know who was playing…. ususallly he asks them if they want him to sit in… and most definately it is yes. You cant really do much except improve a band by adding a saxophone, unless the musician playing it sucks.. and Christopher does not suck. He is very good.
My visit with Robert was , as always, delightful. We talked about so many things, and we talked about the energy that we can feel in us, the energy that is just there and that can be harvested, passed off, put to a focus (healing for example). Some People have gifts with evergy. Some learn it later, and some don’t know what the hell I am talking about and they want to send me back to the loony bin.
We put palms together so “we could feel each other’s energy” But I’ll be dammed if I got to give him any of mine. He was like a stream, beaming right into my hand, my arm, my body…It was not a commanding energy… it did not frighten me. It was gentle and dare I say… peaceful. Finally I said… ” uh when do you get to feel mine” and he laughed….he knew what i was talking about.
We decided to arm wrestle with energy instead of our arms. At first, I felt confide t that I could at least get some across, and he let me, and trickles of his energy came in agaist my flow out. then getting the flow out was harder, almost like tiring. Like hanging from a bar by your hands, and your arms start to tire. Pushing the energy in was noticeably in need of effort.
It wasn’t the tiring of my energy flow, I have high stamina. What he did was… he let mine come in, and then he slowly made his stronger and stronger… we did not look or speak, except finally it was again a point where He was the one in charge… at the very same moment, both our hands dropped. i was tired… He was just smiling a little. He said ” you need to learn how to NOT use your physical energy in these excersies. He said though that I put up a good fight, and he didnt think I could as resist or push as much as I did. we had fun whacking people (staff) with energy balls, and they’d turn and look…. we’d giggle.
At some time the conversation took on the serious tone of….
” I know I am dying Beth. My liver isn’t too healthy”
(the man has high blood sugar, seizures like crazy, no curculation in the one leg he has left, and now he tells me… his LIVER isn’t too healthy.)
“I’ve known that I am breaking down, I am dying and I don’t have much time left”
( In this context I believe he means a few months maybe… but lately it hasnt seemed at alll imminent)
I acknowleged what he said, and I told him that yes, I knew it also… that he knew I knew… he went quickly over the things and papers talking abouthis living will and whatnot. I am apparently listed as one ( of two) of the beneficiaries of his will. Right about now, I wish he were rich. I asked him what he wanted done wit his things. he said to gonate them so I will take them to refugee services where i used to work…. except his blankets. I want his Blankees. He wrapps himself in them… he is there.
He told me tht lately he’s been coming and visiting me (you know, like the astral projection thing) and I asked if he had been there last night. He said yes, and also on sunday when i was very freaked…. and then he told me, blow by blow, what happened last night, along with a description of my apartment, and that I need to do the litter more often. I think if you are going to astrally project into somes home, you dont have to come back and complain about their litter boxes!!!! *Giggle* the one thing I have to say is that the man… is very gifted with his use of energy, and it is such a warm good energy.
In the flash card entry I entered one of my cards as “a healer” and it was clearly understood the prior visit that when I said… sometimes people that can heal arent meant to heal everyone. He agreed he knew. Tonight I just said it straight out. I wish I could heal him, I wish that I could just put my hands on him , concentrate, and let his sicknesses drain right into the ground… me as the conduit and then not keeping any of it inside me. I told him…
” you know, I am not supposed to heal you”
“yes, I know (nods)”
“it’s not that i dont WANT to… believe me i do, but there a big NO like stamped on any direction I’d try to come from.” Simly…. not only was I “not meant ” to heal him…. even if I had tried, i wouldnt have even been able to start because i couldnt have laid a hand on him. there was something that clearly got the message across that this is not my terretory and not meant to be my terretory.
We talked a lot, shared stories, uhhhh. hung out… (well, it’s what we do). I like going there, seeing him, being in a different place, and making someone i really loves life a little brighter. He does not get many visitors. I think an aunt or something came up once. I dont know how he never had a group of… people who care about him now. Maybe this is just a different phase of life. He had a hard life… growing up and having some traumatic experiences, learned to work hard and everything he had he got himself. In the story I could see how that was true. He worked from a young age, and so anything tht was HIS, was something he got himself. I asked him if treasured those things because he worked so hard for them…. he said “no… they’d get lost or something”. I think most kids age 6 or 7 who worked hours to get enough money to get something for themself.. would have been very careful with that thing. We talked about maybe the fact that those things were often taken from him was the reason he didnt get attached… after all there ‘s no point in becoming attached to something you’ll have taken from you anyway.
A metaphore for his life. Wanting to be attached, putting his heart on the line, and then having it taken from him. Many times. Hm. I wonder what he’d think about what I just wrote. I think i will fax him a copy tomorrow. oh wait… it is tomorrow. Then later today.
G-d, thank you for blessing me with my friends, and please G-d , I can not ask you to do anything that is against your will. I can only pray ” your will be done” and then hope the will fits in with my idea… but i am praying dear G-d the maybe you’ll let me send some energy toward him from here, keep him out of pain, oh G-d, as he comes closer to you with each day. G-d , you are with him. I shall not fear.