Monthly Archives: August 2003

JD- GO AWAY

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From: JD123

Date Posted: 31 Aug 2003

Beth your being a total Flake. I’m here local you wont even say hi? You wont tell me what is up with the Computer cord. And here you are talking about being a conduit for God. LOL Anyway, I’m making lots of friends here, I cant believe how close that house I’m getting is to your Hotel. I hope you get you housing voucher. But I am hurt by the way your ignoring me. WEll whatever your just content to be like that.

Conduit for G-d? where on earth did I claim I was a conduit for G-d???? Talking about ENERGY is not talking about G-d… Find the word G-d in that last entry???

. I told you ages ago that I could not find the power chord and I also told you ages ago and you promised me that there would be no further contact between us. and now you are hurt at you are LOCAL and I wont see you?

GET OVER IT… I ain’t no conduit for g-d, but I can certainly channel my own thoughts and they are. WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS, I HAVE NO ITEREST IN MEETING YOU IN PERSION, SO GIVE IT UP…

Go hang out with your new dallas friends and enjoy your house. Just leave me alone. PLEASE!!!!!

(wonders how many times she has to say that before it actually gets respected)



When things hurt me

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What do I do when things hurt me? I don’t know how I cope well or if I do. I dont know who I am or how I feel but I am perfectly qualified to wrote about interpersonal bioelectromagnitism. Goes with the terratory of being a freak. Sure, I can light my finger up at parties but ET jokes only go so far… and I am still here on earth so does that mean i have a radioactive finger or that they still haven’t come for me? and if they didn’t come for me… that would be very sad cause I’d miss the people from my planet very very much. The glitch that really isn’t is that ET was a “botnast” not an electrochemical maniic depressive. I bet his pay is better.

and what of my glowing finger? well i guess we’ll just deal with it till it goes out or falls off. Hell… take bets on which will come first…heh.

and I believe i suitably handled the first question of this entry, based on the title. I wrote about what I do when things hurt me… no no… maybe what i did was “what I do” when things hurt me cause lets face it… I am gonna write all the time anyhow? but if the question was not hurting me then why did i do it?

Maybe some other things hurt me.

THE Energy

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Long before there were words like “Yoga”, “Meditation”, “grounding”, “Chi”, “shakras”, “holistic”, and “auras”, it was there. The Energy. The Energy is that which (being a crucial part of physics-and more precisely Electromagnetic energy) pulsates through our brains as we are able to form thoughts, actions, decisions and words out of synnaptic nerve patterns- the flow of electromagnetic energy.

It flows within us, it flows around us, it flows through us and among us in various forms, and as it flows so do we, and we are effected each by our own personal energy flow and it’s mix with the flows around us. The Flow of the seasons, the energy that those around us put out… the energy of a thousand people in a business building, all flowing together yet in different directions and effecting things.

As if it were not enough that this natural energy exists, we have created new ways to harness it and channel it into the mix that is flowing all around us. Electrisity as it runs through the buildings, our homes, our computers. It all contributes to the balance inside each of us, weather we know it or not.

The word is ELECTROMAGNETIC. Our energy is effected by the tiniest magnets. For example there was a fad ( or still is) that you wear a bracelet in your ankle or shoe or something with magnets in it and it is supposed to align your electrical energy (polarity). Everything runs well when the batteries are hooked up with a good strong connection.

The electromagnetic energy put out by my television or my computer in use is enough to change the pattern of my own energies output, or intake… as the case may be at the time. My body has a usual way of balancing by taking in or putting out as it sees fit. I tend to emit a lot but emitting can also end up in taking…. so as the cycles go round and round…. blah blah blah

I always thought that manipulating energy, feeling energy, seeing energy, and sharing energy with porpose was normal. I did not know until a few years ago that most people are not even aware of their own polarization ( are you a taker, or a giver, or a conduit… a healer perhaps?). From as far back as I can remember I have been able to totally “Ground” myself. I am looking to define that which cant be defined with words… so be patient with me.

Maybe this could be called meditation, but no one ever tought me to do it. What I recall doing at the earliest age ( before I was able to even know what i was doing) was standing with my feet a little apart, holding my hands wide above my head (palms up) and breathing rythmically as i pass energy up through my feet, through my body, and outward from my palms. I can stand there for long times, not thinking…. energy is not about thinking… I stand there and FEEL. For the time that I do this exercise I AM just the conduit for energy to flow from one place to another in a focused way. My body is the electrical chord between that which my feet can gather and that which my hands can output.

I suppose i always did it that order ( taking with my feet and outing with my hands) because i felt a lot of tension in the world and earth that I could outcast and disperse through my hands to the cosmos. However I can dump it out of my feet as well. I have always said the fastest way for a person to ground themself (like within a fraction of a second) was to just get their feet on the floor. One can rush out all kinds of energies from their system that way….

For example… Healing. Usually When I try and help someone “heal “physically using energy i dont have my hands up in the air, but on or “closely hovering” their body. so I can send energy in through my feet and out my hands or i can extract it through my hands and then out my feet… without having it do anything but go right through me.

Some people take more energy to thrive than others and some people put a lot of energy out there and those that need some will take some of the extra that another put out. We are Biology beings mixed and run by an electrical circuit, all of us together pass and share our energy rhytmnically like a cigcuit board…

Yes, a big blue and green round circuit board flying around the biggest power source in physics: the ultimate fusion reactor. So would it be SOOOO off the wall to say that even as a whole, we are effected in ways we cat’t even imagine electrically ( thus tying in gravity) that we cant understand, and yet also be so intricate as for people to notice their annual patterns.

each person being different in need , the ways the seasonal changes effect us are different. In NY where I grew up, my place on the map indicated that “winter” for where I was growing up was actually the time that the earth as a whole is closest in it’s eliptical orbit around “SUN Inc.*Serving the needs of the masses since the time before Jesus* omg that was so wrong…

So even though the earth is technically closer to the sun at that time of year, it is still colder there… really the gravity involved in the whole rotation slingshot of being on earth get’s it’s licks in also. You know…. there is just a whole lot of thinkin’ that needs to be done…

naw, I aint good at no thinkin’and that’s ok, cause thinkin’ too much is the only thing that can short yer fuses…. ( ha ha she made a funny)(oy vey)

-to be continued… and continued… and continued…

(after all I am from Long Island)

Be good and be good at it

-Beth

Finally! and ENTRY

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I wrote this entry on another diary site where I keep a diary as well. When i came here this afternoon , Dear diary was down… and so i am posting what i wrote in the diary from the other site… what was meant to be written here

This is Lame.

I am actually writing at this diary site because my main diary site that i write in is down. I had a lot to write about but sometimes i am so overwhelmed that i cant seem to find out how to put it in worded order…

Yesterday when i wrote that i was going to go meet Man at the new art Gallery, I logged off and called him. I realized it was too late to spend any quality time there cause i have the car and needed to pick up chris and it was almost already four ( I pick him up at five). So the man (jack) and I planned to meet this morning.

He told me to bring various samples of my works. I picked out different paintings I had done over this year. I picked my favorite… one with a maroon backround and all these big color areas that are kind of fuzzy. I will put a pic of it in here one of these days.

I also picked one that was totally contrasting itself with a black area that had lots of colors and patterns filled very intricately with gold paint pen also and the background (negetive space) was dont in weird shapes of pastel crayolas. He was impressed by the use of sharpie pens, and crayolas to create such intricacy.

My third pic was an old fractal of mine and its buddy a rainbow fractal that i hate but he loved it. he said it stands out at you… the other fractal ( the first one i mentioned) is also one of my favorite pieces. He like both very much.

I had another abstract that we both agreed had too much business going on in the black areas so right there i took out a sharpie and went over the areas we talked about. we looked at it again and both nodded in agreement… it was very very good.

There was another fractal in light colors that he suggested i outline each line in black… I started doing that when i coustomer was there… it was looking good. I will finish later. I am still not sure if it will be good or not at the end.

And last but not least… everyones favorite ( and one that i dont totally dislike but its been everyones favorite who ever looked at my art). It is a blue backround with a few long yellow lines, three big circles and a square that goes off the edge. thats about it. Its like taking one of my intecacies and blowing it up. He LOVED it and even starting looking at frames for it.

I showed him a few of the ones on paper, like the star. He was impressed. and also the envelope i am going to send to chello with drawings all over the front. the idea of regular envelopes with matching stationary popped up… i even thought about making that blue painting that everyone loves reduced and dimmed as to let it be stationary with matching envelopes.

When i asked him… “If this were your art and it was in this frame, how much would you price it…. ” I nearly fell over. He was talking from 900 to 1200 dollars for some, and even higher for others.

I asked about making a print series… like 30 prints, and numbering them officially etc… and he said like the one that wold be 1000 for the original would be about 400 for a print. If i make 20 prints of the original , i cant make more just like those, but i can reduce the size and make prints like that or make it bigger anbd do different series. the point is when people come in and they see a print… and it is numbered 16/25 they know that there are ONLY 25 of this picture in the world… and they have a stronger urge to buy it. It goes from being just some original piece to a collecters item. and if i make lets say… 250 off each print i sell (that minus the cost of the print and the gallerys portion), then selling only 4 would give me the 1000 i would have if i sold the one original…

there is a lot to think about.

then we talked about writing and somehow we talked about sonnets and i told him i take a book everywhere and write things in it and sonnets are one of the things i am good at. I told him i can write on any topic on demand… and i asked him if he would like a sonnet. He said yes and he picked the topic….

“creativity”

so here it is…

Sonnet: on creativity

For: Jack Thomas

From out of order chaos will come through

Building words that no one has built before

With inside massive thoughts distracting you

From shattered memories of things life tore.

Suddenly it churns and becomes knowing

That revealing ourselves this way is truth

Taking it out in art givesus growing

From smouldering ashes burning since the youth.

Picking up pieces of the empyt shells

Extracting thoughts that no one has done yet

Making original from inner wells

The outside presence of inside we get.

When taken from the mind and outword surged

It’s then that creativity has purged.

and then i signed it and gave it to him. he loved it.

He also asked me to play violin at the grand opening of the store in november… YAY…

All in all I spent about three hours there, and that is a good sign. and guess what… I wasnt the one doing most of the talking.!!! we just talked back and forth about different ideas and what people like etc… it was pleasant and the more time i spend with him , the less “arrogant” he seems to me. That is his front.. and I feel him warming up to me now. He is a nice guy…

JustAnother Tragically Misunderstood Artist!

So here I go… it’s all about who you know, and now i know someone else and smeone else knows me… and we did get along pretty well! Actually I am supposed to go back there tomorrow and see him about something that was not done yet… so…

AND i also have his prmission so I am gonna photo the LOGO and put it in here… LATER… he he. All in all, productive art meeting! I am left feeling there is hope for me yet!

Be good and be good at it

Beth

To Get It Back

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Dear Diary,

I sit here looking at the masses of colored pencils, markers, paint pens, paint, sketch pads, canvas and canvas boards… and I wonder why nothing is coming to me.

I am feeling a bit better, like my personality is slowly dripping back into me. I had therapy with C today and she said that she felt i was skirting some issue or avoiding something. I don’t know what that something is but it is probably the cause of this numbness. I suppose that when something is too overwhelming to think about, the numbness takes over to protect us.

I wonder what I am protecting myself from.

I was going to spend tine with Suzi and Manny today, and when I called Suzi she said “manny is out looking for apartments”. At first i was like oh ok.. and then it hit me. He is looking for another place because they are breaking up. I am sad on many levels about this.

First off I am sad that this was not the right match for Suzi, as mt loyalty to her would naturally come first ( having been close and best friends for 12 years). I found Manny to be a good even tempered person, but I am sure its not always the case. I am sad because I always wanted suzi to find a GOOD guy and i have always seen manny that way.

I am also sad for manny, but I understand also what is happening. It is hard to be with Suzi. It might be just as hard to be with Manny. But I know suzi better….

Manny and I have some kind of “connection” that i don’t really understand yet. He and I talked on the phone ( suzi gave me the number where to reach him. He and I want to keep in touch and spend time together painting and talking.

Over the years, the relationship between sizi and I has grown to her being a leader in our activities, conversation etc.. and me a follower. She is someone i just don’t want to disagree with. I dont know why that is… it just is.

I feel like manny and I could have a more give and take conversation ( like shannon and I do), listening and also talking. I am not saying suzi does not listen. This is a totally different kind of friendship with Manny. I think our conversations will be more quiet.. more relaxed. He is a high energy person buy also a relaxing person.

Suzi is a very high energy person… and osometimes it is overwhelming to me.

I miss my shannon also, and i have also been missing Cyndi.

The other day i stopped by a brand new art gallery/store. The owner was someone I found smug and kind of arrogant. He had some of his abstracts priced at 2500 dollars. When asked, he said he could come down on the price… but howmuch can you come down from that?

I need to take some of my work up there and see what he thinks. I found his paintings (mostly) to be almost not something pleasing to my eyes…

yes that is what I will do now, I have an hour and a half until i pick up chris, I will call his art store and see if this guy wants me to bring some art in just to look at my style. Maybe he can help me by teaching me to make better prints… maybe i can speak in a way that is better phrased, so he will be able to communicate with his coustomers…. being a smug artist does not suit anyone…

ok I am off to go.

Be good and ge good at it!

Beth

The Oxymoron of Pink Floyd

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I feel numb today. It is not “comfortably numb” because i dont feel right. I am not sad or depressed… just at a loss for my personality… somehow. Anyhow I am gonna look around online and learn some more html.

Power grid out in london…. spooky eh?

40 years ago, Martin luther King had a dream (spoke about it)… some of that dream has been realised, some of it is still in the making. We will overcome those parts of the dream that are still not in place. The future of the dream is our children.

Teach your children to love HUMANS… if everybody ( all races) did that together… anything would be possible.

Be back later

Being Numb and being good at it!

-Beth

Racially Motivated ???

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The first black Dallas Police Chief Terrell Bolton, (who was Chief for four years and served as a police officer for 2o years) was fired yesterday by City Manager Ted Benavides. It happened so abruptly that even council members here were in shock. The question that came to the table immediately after the firing was *Was this decision racially motivated??*



HM. Personally I don’t think it was racially motivated considering Chief Bolton’s service to the Dallas police for over 20 years. Over his four year term there have been a LOT of Scandles and controversies in Dallas, including hiring a police officer with a history of domestic violence…and the city crime rate is not improving at all



Several Black leaders and council members declaired it was their belief that it WAS racially motivated. Some of them said that no explination was given for the firing, and that the black community Loved Terrell Bolton as their Police Chief.



Well, my brain is saying to me… “OF COURSE the black community loves Bolton as the police chief… he is our first black Chief and they are proud of it.” However I also think the black community has a jaded perspective because of the fact that Bolton happened to be black (much like the Jewish reaction to Lieberman being the first Jew to run for Vice president… it would have been an accomplishment for jews).

Even though the city manager that fired Bolton gave pretty vague explinations that said it was basicly a cumulation of issues, Mayor Laura Miller and Former Police Chief Bill Rathburn DID give some more detailed reasons that could have contributed to the firing.



Laura Miller said did not have any idea he was going to be fired before hand. She did say though,that Chief Bolton had resisted an attempt she made to involve everyone at city hall in making the city safer. She even recently initiated weekly “accountability” sessions with Chief Bolton specificly address the city’s crime rate which has been highest among big U.S. cities for the last five years. She clearly stated that race would have had nothing to do with it.

LAURA MILLER:“The people in this building have to work together as a team every single day. It’s very important,” she said. “And if you don’t feel like you’re part of the team and you don’t want to get to the goal line, then it’s a problem.”



I am seeing some solid reasoning there… it seems to me that if the statement she made was true then Bolton was not really willing to work in his full capacity of getting as many people involved in improving things as he could, and even RESISTED the idea. That is probably why she initiated that accountability meeting with him weekly to discuss crime… Deligating responsibility is important and he was not looking to city hall for any help at all.



Former Dallas police Chief Bill Rathburn said the situation in Dallas reminds him of what happened to former Los Angeles police Chief Daryl Gates, who was ousted after widespread race riots in the 1990s.

Bill Rathburn:”I think all of the controversy during his tenure has hurt the city and hurt the Police Department and I think it has significantly reduced the effectiveness of the Police Department. Things kind of reach a state where it’s time for a change, and I think this is probably for the best for everybody involved.”



There we go, another reason. With the controversy effecting the police department, how can they do their jobs to the best extent? Isn’t that what he is saying… that the situations Bolton were involved in basically reduced the police department’s ability to be as good as it could be? and with that said… wouldn’t it be logical to try and go for a change so that the police could start with a clean slate again?… Time for a change makes sense to me…



Sgt. Thomas Glover, president of the Texas Peace Officers Association, which represents black officers, said the chief and his supporters are owed an explanation. Even though Mayer Laura Miller and the Former Police chief had given some very solid information and concepts that were keeping the police department as a whole from doing their best.

Sgt. Thomas Glover:“I think that if the chief is going to be fired, they ought to be able to articulate a reason for him being fired.”



Mr Glover sir… I mean no disrespect.. but aren’t you overlooking what was going on here in Boltons term? Is it really the City manager or Mayor who can not look past race… or could it be YOU??? Look past his race and then say there were no reasons… and do some resurh into whats been going on here in Dallas before you say theres no explination for this.



Several officials like council member member James Fantroy, a supporter of Chief Bolton, expressed concerns that there would be riots or demonstrations following what was termed as an unjust Firing, but there were no reports of any rallying last night. However, Darren Reagan, chairman of the Black State Employees Association of Texas, said civil rights groups, ministers and community organizations will hold a rally and march downtown Friday.



Oh how lovely… people who have basically one reason for liking Bolton which is his race, are going to protest his dismissal. So Who is being racist here.???

I am seriously annoyed by this. Every time something happens that involves a black person, it turns into a racial issue. I am NOT saying there are no VALID racial issues out there.. there certainly are, however not EVERY issue is cause for an uprising.

In a world where I can walk down the block and see a black man wearing a shirt that says “black Power” without anyone taking much notice… yet in this same world, a white man walking down the same block wearing a shirt that Says “White power” would cause everyone to stop and stare…. WHO is the racist??? So a Black man can be proud of his heritage and express it openly but a white man can’t??? Makes ya think… does it not?

Every Group of people are responsible for the continuing of racism as a whole… but we HAVE TO LEARN that not everything is related to race… such as the firing of a Black police chief.

If the police chief that was fired happened to be white… would many people even take notice after hearing or reading the initial news? I think not… the idea of a rally would never even cross anyones mind… so really….get with it people!!!

*sigh* I am tired now from thinking about this. It’s a lot of information and it happened so abruptly… however as a person with a fascination with sociology, this event and the way it plays out will be interesting to watch (for me).

Lets just hope that if there are any protests, that they are peaceful and that no one gets hurt. AMEN to that…

Be good and be good at it,

Beth

Information for this entry was taken from various media sources. The exact word for word quotes by Laura Miller, Bill Rathburn, and Sgt. Thomas Glover were found in the Dallas Morning News.

And then there was Dinner (with your Father, his Wife, your Mother, Chris, Zach, Helen…. and ME

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The Meal.

The cumulation of the day… with everyone’s agenda, everyone’s frustrations, everyone’s personalities….

Last night I was there at the table and there were solid plans made.We were 5 adults discussing a very intricate plan as to get the kids out before Caroles call and chris to work on time. Today of course they did not go smoothly for the morning because some how at dinner… each person missed half or all they were supposed to know in the plan (except chris and I)

Carole: Announced she had an 8am conference call but did not hear us making plans to take the kids to school before chris to work.

My mom: remembered LATER that we had discussed this last night and did not remember at all that she and my dad were supposed to have the kids ready by 7:30

Dad: Did not even know till the morning that Carole had the call at * and had no idea he and my mom were supposed to have the kids ready.

Basically, Carole announced her deal and then didnt pay attention to anything anyone else said. As we (Chris and I) were trying to plan this so as not to disturb her during the call, we agreed to take the kids out first and then me take him to work ( the opposite of usual). We openly discussed with my dad that he and my mom would have to have the kids dressed and ready by 7:30. He was even looking at me when we talked about it… unless I am invisible ( which i have not been able to do… yet)

When Chris arrived to get me I decided to let him just get the kids and drop them off and take the car to work ( no difference to anything… just i would not need the car). He got there 7:30 to find Helen Still asleep and Zach I believe was watching cartoons.

When Asked where I was, Chris told them I decided to let him take the car, which got translated by my father to Carole as “Beth couldn’t get up”, which was also alerted to my mom.

Due to the fact that chris had to be at work at 8, they let him go, and my dad and mom drove the kids to school….

and somehow… this is all my fault.

Skip to dinner tonight. I just wanted to be able to have chris say “yes beth was awake”, and my mom to say that she did remember later about the plan to take the kids first, and my dad remember that they were supposed to dress them (which he never remembered ) and CAROLE… refused to be part of the discussion.

I said lightly that this needed to be discussed because we have to function in a way that leaves us all understanding of the communications and plans. Still carole stood outside of the kitchen till my mom and dad and chris and I talked it out. THEN… she came in to eat… G-d forbid she try and interact with us on a level that helps us work better with each other.

And now….I am trying another kind of Jewish art…. it’s called “Beth trying to relax” If it ever actually realizes it’s full potenital… it might be a good thing.

and a special thanks to Mr. DeChello for putting me into a trance by having me say ” I will go to sleep” three times. I think i was asleep immediately after. Too fucking bad it was only two hours. (we’ll have to try that hypnotizing stuff again some time) (but if you hypnotize me and i end up waking up one day with edible undies on my head… it’s OVER)

Be good and Be good at avoiding it!

Beth