I am smoking like a chimney ever since I quit pot. I figure whatever gets me off pot is better . I had quit smoking cigs for… almost 6 years. I will quit again soon, when i am stronger.

I woke up late today cause of this flu crud so i took my morning meds and then only about an hour later took my afternoon meds. I fear now that if i take my evening meds I will forget i ever had a personality. Then there are the night meds… they literally make me go NIGHT NIGHT….

I have been playing chess again. I remember almost a year ago when i played chess against one of my “mikeys” and each game , the loser had to write a poem and post it in their diary… I won the two games i played with mikey…

But then i started playing against Jason. He’s damn good and he’s wooping my ass. He made a joke about strip chess, but y’all know i cant even go there. ha ha. Jason is a nice guy, and like most of us has some problems. I have always been open to internet friends.. it’s what I do…

dont worry.. I am NOT going to ask him to move in! he he

on the subject, I had a congenial chat with Rick today (reallyrick). I am glad that he and I are on speaking terms. Please dont worry though about us having pproblems. he is on his own path to recovery and its a different one than I am on, it’s just good to know that the fondness that we did share as friends never left. I always care about my friends, even when sometimes the best thing is space. I realized i have been wrong in the past, so does he.. and we all grow , mature, and become better people for it.

there was once some sufi poetry that i posted about taking a tranger in who needs help… even if that does not work out you never know what other doors they might open for you. thank you Rick.

over and out,

Beth

As the days fly bey I see things changing inside me. the flashes of mine are almost totally subsided with hints of them at night when i am awaiting slumber.

Yesterday after I received that letter i called my social worker to asjk her how to handle it. I told her i thought my best move was to tell him that 1)i should tell chris that i cant be made responsible for him to get help because i need all my resources for ME and he can do the same thing and 2) trusting someone after they have kept such big lies from you for so long does not come overnight.. so i need time…

I was not aggressive… but i felt a tension becaus4e i think he is suspecting deep down that i am planning to leave. A good friend of mine.. Cyndi ( who i have mentioned in tha past) IM’d me and i drove out to her place for a little while t get out of the tense air here.. when I got back I chatted with my friend Peter for a while.. nice calm level chat… and then went to bed.

Chris got up and went to his mandatory anger management workshop, and I slept off and on all day because this flu is kicking my ass. at about 3, my mom called all thinking i was dead or something cause i hadnt called her yet. I was short tempered cause i just woke up again… she had thought chris would be done at 12, but he was really done at 2.. and since i was sick i figured she KNEW i’d be in bed. we kind of spatted but it’s over now.

anyhow.. I have more to say but I am too busy chatting myhappy ass off.. ha ha ha. I’ll swoop in with an update later y’all

be good

Beth

PS… the grass is GREEN (literal grass…)

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,

“If I give you this money, will you take it and buy some beer?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago”, the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” The man replied, Hey,man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s

given up beer, gambling, and golf!”

I know this looks kind of silly, it’s not done… but I just wanted to get rid of some tacky beads i had… and from then on it progressed to ash tray art…

My mom stopped by and brought me some lunch from boston markey since i am feeling shitty. I still should be in bed, but i took some alka seltzer flu stuff and feel at least able to sit up and glue… he he

I’ll post this one again after its done.

***I found this letter taped to my monitor when I sat down here this morning. GEEZ, talk about guilt… (last night I sent my motify a letter about the guilt I feel regarding the u pcoming events)

Here it is.. THEN tell me I shouldnt feel guilty.

Dearest Beth,

I have a hard time apologizing to you about the saxophone thing. I am sorry and I want to be a kinder gentler person that I want myself to be. I wish you would love me as I wish you would. Please see the person inside that is screaming to get out. The angst inside of me for keeping secrects from you is tremebdous, and it manefests itself in my by my shortness of temper and my inability to be nice. Please let me get help/ ( I caklled the mentalk assistance people) I don’t kow 9if they will be the right answer. I amnot suicidal enough with depression to go into the hospital. I do want councelling. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to work until I get better. I see myself “lose it” and I just dont seem to be able to control it. I seem to be free falling. Help me! PLease!PLease talk to me, I am sorry for leeping all these lies from you.

thank you (in advance)

Christopher

Well, it was a productive day of rest for me. From my bed I was able to contact my social worker, and her boss who wanted the numbers of my psychiatrist and psychologist, and a counselor from Jewish family services who specializes in helping women in my situation. *If you are interested in “my situation” at greater length that I will discuss here, I encourage you to join the notify, I will be ( and have been ) writing exclusive letters out to them because there are some things I can’t post in here because of the risk that someone who has access to my computer (gee I wonder who) might read it.. and it is IMPERATIVE to my plans for the next few weeks that he isnt clued in.

You know, allimom brought up a point.. what if HE joins my notify list under a pseudonym… well… I forgot something really important. HE CAN’T READ WELL! He is dyslexic and often has me read things to him… There has never been a question that I am a pretty prolific writer… and we ALL know that. He has never snooped in the diary before cause he just gets overwhelmed at the massive amounts of things I write.

to quote him… “I am with you all the time.. I know how you talk.. if you write something you want me to read you just read it to me…” That is the truth!!! so really I am all not worried.. however I am still taking the precaution of giving the fll details to the notify list ONLY… ‘

Anyhow. It’s time to watch the Mavericks kick some ass…..

Be good and be good at it

Beth

OH MAN! I have this flu full force. I woke up not being to get any kind of breath through my nose, my head feels like rocks, and I shortly going back to bed to rest up.

I forgot to mention that yesterday My mom, and Shannon, and I went to lunch together. It was neat seeing my mom and shannon together.

Wrll, as much as I want to make this interesting

I am sick

so deal with it…

I am going back to bed

well, you know how it is with mommies… you get excited to see them and by the end of the day you are ready to hang them from a flag pole…

I felt tonight that no matter what behaviour or utterance came from me, that my mother had something opposite or negetive to say about it. From how I cooked the green beans, to what order i ate my food in at lunch, to weather or not it was ok to take a few things from my dads house ( sundries that he ALWAYS gives me… ). I was like… MOM.. DAD LETS ME TAKE ORANJE JUICE… He buys the damn stuff by the sealed case. I go shopping there at times for topilet paper and watnot…my mom was telling me not to…

I have lived around my dad the last 12 yeaars and she’s been in NY. Carole left her a dtailed list of things NOT allowed in the house and me taking a coke, oprange juice and some detergent wasnt on the list of things i cant do. Geez. I am almost 30. I dont need half hour debates about weather or not I can take orange juice. why cant she believe me the first time i say it’s ok… why does it have to be half hour struggle to do what is natural to me.

She criticized how I cooked almost every part of the dinner. The chicken was too spicy, the grewen beans were put in the water at the wrong time. Thank G-d for microwave baked potatos… at least I did SOMETHING right.

Then I told her I am not feeling well and might need to rest up a little tomorrow. Then its another half hour argument about weather or not I am actually sick.

Helen has an ear infection, zach has the flu. I complained a few days ago of body aches and I am feeling like crap right now ( dont worry the grass is still green mentally) I am feeling normal regular person frustration…

And oh yeah. I am on the rag… BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE ISNT WRONG!

In dalllas I mean. By this time (9:30 cst) my dad and carole should be on their way to alaska! My mom is pretty cool and laid ack as I have often written before. Sometimes when I go ti visit Long Island I have issues, however with the medication I am on, we could probably get nuked and I would still have a calm reasonable attitude.

Someone I was talking to last night told me they are bi polar but they dont take meds because there then isnt a record of them being bi polar.

I dont care who knows about me. The feelings i get when I take my meds and dont have to worry about the highs and lows and the racing thoughts and the angst born out of the pits of despair, make being medicated all worth it.

Shannon gave me a pill box that used to belong to her grandmother. It has compartments for taking meds four times a day and holds enough for a week. I stocked up the little thing last night and now I will be carrying it around with me. Thank you shannon for that gift!

Well I am off to go take chris to my dads so he can watch the kids and I can take mom to meet my therapist. I bet he will like her. She never says anything bad about me. he he he.

Be good and be good at it

Beth

DAY 1

Here I am again, in this situation- Mental hospital. I really thought I was done with that stuff twelve years ago. I feel restless. I wait for a meal like it is the highlight of my day. I watch tv for a while, maybe 5 minutes and then get festless and have to move. My whole lower back hurts.

DAY 2

Earlier I went to the gym with recreation group and played basketball. I made two baskets. Then, I played tennis. I enjoyed the tennis. I admit my mind keeps wandering to food. I should drink some water.

I have a really sweet room mate named Ella. She’s Half African american and half american indian. She is a reallllly nice lady.

4:40PM-I took a shower. I don’t have a change of clothes, so I put the same icky ones on. I dont feel good about that.

6PM- I ate my dinner and half of someone else’s I also ate two lunches.. Food has been a huge issue here probably cause there is not much else to look forward to

6:50-PM-I had a short rejuvinating nap. I found a broken down exercise bike. The little naps are doing me good. I am looking forward to taking 300 mg of Trazedone later. It should knock me out later and let me sleep.

8:00PM-Barbara walters is talking about the daytime emmies

8:45-Well, I pigged out at snakck. I ate 3 sherberts, some chips, and I stole a 7-up to take to my room. in 15 minutes I will get those trazedones, 2mg of klonapin, and 5mg of zyprexia

9:00PM-I just took all those meds. I am on my way to never never land.

11:00PM- My eyes want to close but my head somehow is not greared toward sleep. I feel my heart pounding. My blood pressure is normal but m pulse was 95… what is UP with that?This sleep deprivation is close to madness.

END DAY 2