I didn’t think I was going to write in the diary for a few days.
After writing that last entry, I felt so drained and lost. I was very overwhelmed to see so many people say so many wonderful things about me. The world of dear diary is a very strange place that I have never encountered anything like before and my entire life. On the one hand, I sit here at my computer all by myself and write about how I’m feeling inside.
And then, people from all corners of the earth, come and tell me that they feel close to me and that I mean something to them. I sincerely hope that they know that they mean something to me to. I wrote a long time ago to keeping this Diary was my first chance ever of being heard. Whether or not it was put to the public, I would be writing. The difference now is that when I write people actually read it and they give me constructive words, helpful words…(sometimes words that aren’t so helpful,) but those people aren’t the ones that really matter to me.
I’m beginning to see how affected I really am by what is said around me and what is done around me. A good example is the fact that after I had that review, I started throwing in little jabs because I didn’t like the fact that people said some of my entries did not need to be written. I became paranoid, and even started writing on word (sometimes). Then there was the entry that I wrote were kept adding to it because I didn’t want anyone to think that I had something new to add just to get on the recent “list”
These are things that are faults that lie in my personality. I am way too oversensitive. When the diarist that is known as the “Freak” wrote an article about the top 10 controversy, I took it so personally. Since I had not been able to read his page before, I didn’t realize that his whole goal was to cause controversies… to provide an open forum for the people here at dear diary to state their opinions whether or not they agree with him.
The definition of controversy was right there in the title. There wasn’t even a controversy but it showed that one can make a controversy out of anything, and even if you pull a controversy out of thin air people will have an opinion. And it hurt me to see people calling the top 10 list a cult. I know that there are thousands of diary’s out there, and I know that mine became popular because it rode Rick’s coat tails into that list. I am very well aware of the fact that there are probably just many diaries that are better than mine, as are worse. But then again, who defines what is better or worse?
We’re all here to write.
We’re all here to share.
Having the ability to leave comments is such a unique aspect of writing that has never been something I considered precious until it became another form of communication. I am not just writing to myself anymore. I have had people tell me that I inspire them, I have had people tell me that I am funny. My ego itself has been boosted tremendously just by the fact that people really seem to care about the person I am.
And then again deep down inside, I wonder if am worthy and if the people that are reading this are laughing about the fact that I believe that they care. That self-doubt is a huge part of me, and it is something that I am working on every single day. I promise you that I was not even able to speak to people when I first moved to Dallas. I was a total social misfit. Now it seems that everyone thinks I am so popular… it is the transition that happened so slowly that the remnants of who I was still loom in the background and shade my feelings about myself.
I moved here a slave. From the time that I can remember it is all that I knew.
Within five years I had my first child, and while I had already accomplished college, performing, learning had to be social… I really hadn’t had a full time to just live!
I don’t usually mention in here that Zachary was conceived from a rape. I was 24 years old, in my second to last semester of graduate school, and I found myself pregnant with a child I had not planned. My instinct? I wanted to keep the baby, because I had lost two before. My other instinct? Settle down!
I had just started to see Christopher and he was very supportive of me and the time that I was going through. But I became numb to the world around me. When I moved to Dallas, I finally felt that I was in a different world. I felt that may be all the thoughts that I’d had about the world that I had known might be wrong. This was a world where you could choose what classes you want to take in college, this was a world where you could take any kind of Food wanted to eat. This was the world of my dreams.
And then it was as if from nowhere the universe reminded me. At any moment Beth, all those freedoms can once again be taken away. At any moment, everything that I thought I had can go flying out the window.
I learned a valuable lesson. Anyone can be hurt at any time, and I am not excluded from being” anyone”. I had just become so drunk with the idea of freedom that the pedestal in which I had put my freedom crumbled from beneath me and crippled me more mentally then the original things that happened in my life.
I don’t know what I was going to write in this entry. Am not yet in the mood to be funny again. Once again, I have been reading other people’s writings in an attempt to gain some clarity and maybe take a chance to step out of myself for while.
I want to feel worthy. I have never been a quitter. I can’t promise that things are going to become funny and lighthearted again so fast. My birthday is coming. This is the hardest time of the year for me.
All I can ask is that the beloved people who really do care about me, and read this diary all the time continue to support me and be there through the next couple of weeks and through the journey of learning how to not HAVE to be funny or silly or popular to be worthy.
I miss my sister, and I still don’t know how to deal with that guilt.
Thank you for listening.