Hey y’all it’s a “beautiful bright sunny day outside something ” ( as zach likes to say….
no it’s actually slightly windy and overcast and you know, i never really noticed the humidity till rick got here. He is right, it’s damn humid… my hair is doing the dance as if it wants to be half an afro, half a sky scraper, and half shaved off again just so I dont have to DEAL!!!!!!
In a little while I am running out to meet my friend Ken at Cafe Brazil ( PLUG… the BEST damn resteraunt in dallas… order chicken crepes with extra feta) at noon and then at 2:00 we have the conservative roundtable discussionwitht eh paternal figure.
Last week my father had a small stroak and lost sight in one eye, and now they are trying to help what is apparently some serious sleep apnea… either way.. you all know that i dont talk much about dad in here.. mostly cause… well if i told ya i’d have to kill. ya.
in a few short sentences.
He has neen ultimately irresponsable at times when he was wanting to watch my kids.. and a few months ago i asked him if he could visit them here rather than me leaving the kids there… he refused to see them unless it was his terms and then threatened to make sure the kids knew that I was a bad mother… yadda yadda yadda… lets say we all dont just become MENTAL cause we had perfect families. I love my dad , he is a genious when it comes to physics, math, chemistry, music, art… ( gee i wonder where i got it from)… but in all that his social meter and meter of “appropriate” falls below certain osamas.
I love my dad… if for no other reason than he is my dad.. and also. becoming a parent has placed an emphasis on my desire and his to have relationships with the kids… the problem how to trust him.. but more on that later…
i wanted to make one quick mentions about something i over reacted about… People… when you read this diary, especially going back to Lilly anne, you will see thigns abot a lot of people.. don for exapmple.. I love don, I hate don, don is the best, don is an ass.. this is not a book or even a totally “factual” story because all it is … is a diary. it’s my feelings at the time, not coated, not changed.. but a CROSS SECTION of what i feel there and then. I wanted to apologize if some people thought i was “mean ” to sammy in my diary…but the truth is.. it was nother cross section, with a lot of factors, and fot the one “bitching” entry about him i have written ten thousand wonderful things. another note.. i didnt know anyone who knew him or me from anywhere besides this diary and a few select friends was reading this.. so if people got the wrong idea i apologize… the time that that was written i was very upset because … well to be honest now i dont need to go into it. Sammy and I talked abot it last night and after hearing WHY i was so angry ( because of other factors between him and i trhat are even too personal to write in here and NO isnt not a sex thing) he understood why i was angry that night… however this is my diary.. when you open the pages you get what you get. you get me now how I feel this second.. and i cant apologize for it. a diary is a reflection, and contradiciton of reflection is part of growing… I just hope that people who read my diary talk to me or at least write me and inquire before jumpinf to comclusions that i am making irrational raving entries… its a diary… once again. and sometimes feelings take over and writing happens. thats why its here and thats what it’s for… if you follow my dioary you know that in half an hour things could be different.. i have left as many as 13 entries in a day sometimes.. because this is my outlet. however, i muist apologize if anyone had feelings hurt by my entries. i didnt intend that at all… but i will say i will continue to write my diary about my life as it happens… because that is what keeps it real… I dont often speak for Sammy, but I do believe he would agree, I am probably one of the most honest people there is, in fact I am painfully honest to a fault… when i feel i feel deeply, and i talk about it.. at first i felt badly for feeling so deeply.. and then i remember something… note to self “beth you started LIFE only ten years ago.. learning how to be with people, learning how to funsction in a foreign world.. you have feelings and you are not professing to be perfect, just another person on this spinning world trying to evolve and be better. and BETH… you aren’t doing that badly” a quick note about RICK before i hop inthe shower… he’s a sweetie beyond belief.. as i write he is aboutto vaccum my room ( and you too can get one at your local….) but thats not it.. i am grateful for all the blessings in my life, the people, the ability to learn and grow and so i close with a prayer
Dear G-d
let me be strong, for this meeting with dad, let me learn more patience, let me see things in a way that i maay best grow and do good and ohyeah… let Cafe Brazil not be out of feta cheese
AMEN