Every time I think things can’t get any worse, they do.

One of my parents is having an online affair. I was using their laptop (which they had given me permission to use) and a message popped up. Automatically, I clicked on it. I wish I hadn’t.

In it, it said in detail what would happen when they met up. The other person lives in America. My parent signed it ‘love you’.

I just can’t believe it. I was in shock. My parents kept asking me what was wrong, I kept telling them nothing. I went outside for a smoke. The parent in question came outside with me and asked me what was wrong. I said that I saw the message.

The parent responded by saying that that message wasn’t meant for me, that I shouldn’t have seen it. But that things hadn’t been right in their marriage for over 10 years. That they hadn’t been physical with each other for 10 years. That they loved each other, but weren’t in love with each other. That they had grown to be best friends and nothing more.

The parent asked me what I planned on doing. I said I didn’t know.

I talked with Jane. She said that I must remember that a marriage is between two people, that whatever they decide to do has nothing to do with me. I know this. She said I have to remember that they both love me and nothing will change that. I know this.

The parent wants to meet the Horrible American (HA), to see if what they have is real. I said that I would have no part in it. I said that I will keep the secret, for now. I said that it’s killing me, because I love both my parents. I don’t want to keep this from my other parent, but how could I possibly tell them? I said that if I found out that the parent went to visit HA, that I’m not sure I could stay quiet. It’s one thing knowing that my parent is having an affair, it’s another to help cover it up. My parent then responded by saying ‘well, if you do tell, that will be the end of the marriage’.

Guilt trip, anyone?

I am old enough to know that a marriage is between two people. I am old enough to know that I can’t stop my parent from continuing this affair. But I won’t have any part in it. I will not cover for my parent. I will not help my parent get away with this affair.

I’m staying out of it.

But I’m reeling. Completely and utterly reeling.

The past 10 years have been a lie. I always wanted a marriage like my parents – a good, strong marriage. Now I discover that it’s all been a lie. Does true love even exist? Is any marriage strong? Does any marriage survive?

I asked my parent if they would consider going for couple’s counselling. The parent replied that over the years, they had tried to convince the other parent to go for counselling, but the other parent refused. And now the parent in question doesn’t want to try anymore. Instead, the parent wants to meet HA and see if this thing between them is real.

I asked, well what if it is real, what will you do? I don’t know, was their response. And if it’s not real, what will you do? Again, I don’t know.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I CAN’T DO THIS.

I miss my best friend. I miss Lynsey. She always knew the right thing to say, even if she didn’t have any answers, she knew what to say.

But she’s dead. She’s been dead for almost 4 weeks now.

I’m lost without her. So lost.

My whole life is falling apart. My best friend is dead. One of my parents is having an affair. I have nightmares almost every night. My depression is still bad. So is my PTSD. I will be facing the man that abused me as a child, in November. Uni won’t let me back until the trial is over.

My life is falling apart.

I want Lynsey back. Oh God, I want Lynsey back.