Am back home with my parents for a little while. I need some TLC. Am going back to uni for BSL & lip-reading on Tuesday and Wednesday, then back home Wednesday evening.
The police interview is in less than a week. I’m dreading it, but I just want it out of the way.
I’m sick of people telling me how strong I am. I don’t feel strong. I feel incredibly vulnerable and weak.
Last night was really bad – I just broke down for no reason, crying and screaming in to my pillow.
I’m a mess. A wreck. All the walls I’d built around myself are crumbling down. I’d built those walls to protect me from my memories. To make my rape seem like a nightmare I had a long time ago. It wasn’t real. Except now, now those walls are tumbling down and all the evil trapped behind them is coming rushing out and overwhelming me.
I’m suffocating in them. It’s so hard to breath. Everything is just so difficult. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of evil.
The only thing giving me strength is God, and the comfort that He is here, holding me up so that there is still a tiny spark of light in an otherwise pitch black abyss.