Dear Diary,

Am back home with my parents for a little while. I need some TLC. Am going back to uni for BSL & lip-reading on Tuesday and Wednesday, then back home Wednesday evening.

The police interview is in less than a week. I’m dreading it, but I just want it out of the way.

I’m sick of people telling me how strong I am. I don’t feel strong. I feel incredibly vulnerable and weak.

Last night was really bad – I just broke down for no reason, crying and screaming in to my pillow.

I’m a mess. A wreck. All the walls I’d built around myself are crumbling down. I’d built those walls to protect me from my memories. To make my rape seem like a nightmare I had a long time ago. It wasn’t real. Except now, now those walls are tumbling down and all the evil trapped behind them is coming rushing out and overwhelming me.

I’m suffocating in them. It’s so hard to breath. Everything is just so difficult. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of evil.

The only thing giving me strength is God, and the comfort that He is here, holding me up so that there is still a tiny spark of light in an otherwise pitch black abyss.

V

Dear Diary,

Am feeling very low at the minute. Just exhausted. Memories keep flooding back. I’m irretable, angry, upset. Finding it really hard to keep it all together.

Am smoking more. Housemates hate that, won’t go near me if I’ve had a cigarette. Am craving company, but they say they won’t come near me until I’ve stopped smoking.

Am just feeling really fragile and vulnerable at the minute.

Keep binge eating and throwing up as well.

V

Dear Diary,

Things are so crazy at the minute. What with the police investigation, which is always ticking on in the background. Uni work. Lynsey in hospital (she’s got a collapsed lung so she’s in hospital for a couple of weeks – going to visit her tomorrow). CP-Satt wanting to committ suicide (he called me the other night at 4.30am and I talked to him until 7am). Memories. Things are just crazy. Feels like my world is spinning out of control.

I’ve started restricting my food intake again. Seems like the only thing that I have control over. I know I’m going down the ED path again. But I don’t care. It’s comforting. Plus, I need to lose weight anyway. It’s not why I’m doing it, but it’s a bonus.

I’m eating one meal a day, plus fruit and veg for snacks. It feels good. My stomach growling in hunger feels good.

Have just been to a hotel, met my parents for lunch. Had a salad and garlic bread. That’s my meal for the day. Told my housemates that I had a massive Sunday roast, so am not eating with them tonight. Will have some fruit later on. Starting from now, the one meal a day will be dinner with my housemates. Apart from Wednesday, after Mum & me have been swimming, then my one meal will be lunch.

Going to church later on. Am looking forward to it. Church always makes me feel good. Leave feeling calm and loved.

V

Dear Diary,

I’m having a tough day today. Memories just keep coming back. Things he said during the rape.

‘Suck it like a lollipop.’ ‘How does it feel to be with a real man?’ ‘This is our secret.’

He kept telling me how good I was. That he knew I liked it. I didn’t like it. I hated it.
It’s just a bad day today. Can’t seem to block out any thoughts. So many of them. So many memories. Almost my whole childhood… The webcam sessions. How he confided in me about his marriage problems. How I’d call him if I was going through a tough time.

There was one time at school just after I’d thrown up, I called him. And he talked to me, calmed me down, said I was beautiful.

I thought he was my friend, I thought he cared about me. But he didn’t. He didn’t give a shit about me. He just used me for his sick, peadophilic, perverse pleasure.

How I used to sneak out of my room at night when my parents were asleep and we’d webcam. He’d show me his dick, taught me what pre-cum was. Think I was 13 or 14 when he showed me.

It was after I started talking to him that I started cutting, that I made myself sick, that I starved myself.

I can see now that deep down I knew it was wrong, that it was sick. That he was sick. But at the time I couldn’t see that.

I’m slowly telling people. One person, when I told her, said ‘how could you allow that to happen?’

I wanted to scream at her, tell her that it wasn’t my fault. And I know it’s not, deep down. But there is a part of me that thinks it is my fault, that I did allow it to happen.

Stupid, I know. I know that. I know it wasn’t my fault. But… I know I’m going to face others that think I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to be abused, I allowed myself to be raped.

I can see that people think it’s my fault.

‘Why did you allow it to happen?’

It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

V

Dear Diary,

Went out to the Chinese with my cousin, her boyfriend and my parents last night. It was a fun night. We all had a laugh and a giggle. Was nice.

Did get a shock when we were at the Chinese though – saw someone that looked a lot like him. It’s happened one or two times before, where I see someone that looks similar. I just need some time to get myself back together. I always have a heartstopping moment when I think it’s him, but then I do a double-take and realise it isn’t. Just someone that looks a lot like him.

I just hope that the police can find him, and that there’s enough evidence to lock him up. I don’t even care if he goes away for what he did to me, as long as he goes away. I’m tired of looking at men on the street, in case one of them is him.

I woke up this morning to a lovely sensation. There was a voice in my head telling me everything is fine, that I’m safe and not to worry. Woke up in this weird warm glow. It was like all the trouble, all the bad feelings, were gone. The best way to describe it, it was like being engulfed in this warm haze. Everything was okay, more than okay. All my worries, gone. It was like being hugged by warm light. It was amazing.

No idea who or what it was, but it was amazing.

This was after a night filled with nightmares. I’d wake up, then go back to sleep, have another nightmare, wake up, go back to sleep, have another nightmare etc. The whole night. But then that feeling.

I don’t know if it was a guardian angel, or my grandparents (on my Dad’s side, they’re both dead) or what, but it was comforting.

Go back to uni tomorrow. Well, not uni as I’m taking a year out, but back to the town and my student house. I really need to start working, have let my studies slide while I’ve been dealing with this, but I need to pick up the slack and knuckle down to work.

This coming Wednesday I’ve got an interview to volunteer with the Samaritans. Fingers crossed. Went to an information evening this week. Would love to be a Samaritan. So, I hope the interview goes well.

V

Dear Diary,

Okay, so, wow. If I make my statement by video, he will see it, because the defense and the accused has the right to see any evidence against him. And the video will be played in court (if it ever gets that far), meaning I wouldn’t have to go through the whole thing in court, ‘just’ be cross-examined. Whereas if I gave a written statement, I would have to read the whole thing in court.

So, either he sees me breaking down on video, or in person. So now I’m leaning towards making a video statement.

Urgh. This whole thing is awful. But I’m going to continue – I’ve come this far. I’m not going to let him get away with this anymore. He’s a peadophile. He groomed me. He sexually exploited me. He raped me. He’s not going to get away with that.

It’s just difficlt, really difficult.

Plus, Chiara and her mum have gotten into a major fight over this. Because I told Chiara shortly after it happened, she needs to make a statement. So I called her up to ask her if that’s okay, she said of course it’s okay.

The police called her to make an appointment to make a statement at the police station – only her mum doesn’t want to. She says she doesn’t want Chiara involved in this and practically called me a liar, which infuriated Chiara and they are now in a fighting match, with Chiara telling her mum to stick it. Chiara called me to tell me not to worry and that she’s made an appointment to make a statement.

This whole thing sucks. It’s so difficult.

Just breathe…

V

Dear Diary,

I’ve got a decision to make – make a video statement or a written statement. The video statement will take a couple of hours. Written statement will take hours and hours, maybe several days.

If they catch him, he has the right to see my statement – be it video or written.

Video will be faster. But I don’t want him to see me. Not on video, when I’m vulnerable. All my life, I’ve been this vulnerable child that he could exploit, abuse and rape. I know I will probably break down during the interview. I do not want him to see that.

If/when I ever see him again, I want to be able to look him in the eye. I want him to know that he has no control over me. That I’m not scared of him, that I am strong. I want to look straight in his eyes and show him I’m not a frightened child anymore, I am a grown woman and I am taking his ass down.

So I think I will do a written statement. It will be tougher and take longer. But he won’t see me weak, ever again.

V

Dear Diary,

Haven’t really talked about resolutions yet – my mind has been otherwise occupied. But figure now is as good a time as any to make a resolution and look how I went with last year’s resolutions.

So, last years resolutions:

1) Learn to lipread.
2) Lose weight.
3) Pass first year university.
4) Become more confident and stand up for myself.

1) I’m in the process of learning to lipread. It takes time, but I’m learning.
2) Massive failure there. Haven’t lost a single kg.
3) Failure there as well – passed all but one module.
4) Definitely working on that – I found the strength to break up with Q and break my silence about being raped and go to the police.

So. This year’s resolution.

1) Lose weight.
2) Pass first year univeristy.
3) Do volunteer work.
4) Focus on finally putting my past behind me and being happy.

Obviously that last one will take a lot of work. I’ve buried my rape for so long. For so long it’s been this massive secret, one that taints everything I do. It’s going to take a long time, but it’s out in the open now, police have been informed. He may or may not be caught. I have to accept whatever happens and focus on myself. He is no longer in control of me.

Last year was such a difficult year. Q emotionally blackmailing me. Q hitting me. Breaking up with him. Failing an exam. Realising that I was groomed and sexually exploited as a child. Using drink, drugs and sex to block out the pain. Telling my parents I was groomed and raped. Telling the police.

But I have survived this year. I have survived and I’ve come out stronger.

Now that everything is out in the open – I am starting to heal. I can start my life as an adult. For so long I was a scared child, still in the power of my rapist. I couldn’t grow and mature emotionally because inside I was still a child. But not anymore. Now I can live my life. Really live my life.

It’s been a difficult year – but I needed to go through everything to realise that I am a strong and capable woman.

I know I still have a long way to go and things will still be tough for a while, but I feel good.

V

Dear Diary,

Finally!! The police are now actively investigating my case. About bloody time! Was on the phone with them yesterday and they said it was an act between two consenting adults. That no crime was comitted. That it’s not in their jurisdiction. That the case is closed.

Mum and me and have been trying so hard to get someone to listen and take notice. And finally… finally we are being listened to. The inspector at the sex crimes unit (it’s not called that officially but that’s what everyone calls it – SVU anyone?) has apologised profusely.

He says I was treated appallingly with no sensitivity, and that we shouldn’t be relieved that someone is taking me seriously – I should have been taken seriously from the start. He suggested complaining because what happened was wrong.

And I will. I told my parents yesterday – I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I was 5 years ago. I can deal with this, I will push until someone listens to me. But other people might not be – women that have just been raped may not be as strong as me and may just have said ‘forget it, they don’t care’. Which is wrong.

But finally… finally… my rape is being investigated.

V