Dear Diary,

Am back at university. Having such a good time! Have really missed this place. Not so keen on where my room is – am on a landing with 5 other people, only one of whom I know. Plus I’m the only girl. Oh well. Means there won’t be a massive queue for the shower every morning! And I suppose it’s a good way of getting to know new people. Plus, all my friends are either on the landing opposite, one landing above and one and two landings below me. So it’s all good.

It’s been a crazy few days back. This is my fifth day back. I’ve been stoned three out of those five days. Good times! Exams are coming up, and I won’t be doing any drugs or drinking, will just be studying. So I figure, why not have some fun this week, then settle down and work my ass off. It’s all good.

Been talking to a few people that I haven’t chatted to before. Afterwards, they’ve said I’m really nice. People keep saying that. It’s nice to hear . A couple of people have mentioned my new keyring as well – it’s a small ashtray that closes. Bought it in Amsterdam. The smokers love it, the non-smokers role their eyes. Well, at least I’m not littering! Never did litter anyway.

I know I keep talking about this, but dammit, I do have feelings for Joe. I know nothing will happen, but there we go. Also quite like this guy, Jack. But again, nothing will happen there. Am just going to enjoy being single.
Talking of which. Talked to Q. He said he’s not giving up on us. That he’s sorry for everything he’s put me through and for not giving us a real chance. He said that he thinks we do have a future. Maybe while we’re both at uni it won’t work, but after that he thinks it will. He admits that he did bad things while we’re together, but that he really regrets them, that he loves me and is going to fight for us once we finish uni.

Oh dear. 6-7 months ago, I would have been thrilled to hear that. Now… It just makes it difficult. I want to be friends with him. But nothing more. I do not want to get back together again. It’s just annoying. He’s saying all the right things, but he’s saying them far too late.

V

Dear Diary,

So it’s a shame we’re not relaxing in Lanzarote right now, but it’s actually good in a way. Am getting a lot done. My report, packing, spending time with Snoopy, and just having a fun time with my parents.

Up until now we’ve been quite rushed and stressed – especially when I had so much revision to do. We were all tired and stressed. But this week we’re relaxing and taking things easy. It’s been nice.

Although we are quite angry with the cattery. We’d dropped Snoopy off there on Wednesday evenings. She’s quite a scared cat. So when we knew for sure that no flights would be flying, we decided to leave her there until Monday. But we had to pick her up a couple of days earlier cause she was refusing to eat and had peed on the blanket. Trouble is, she did that when she first moved here, and after five days or so, she was fine. But they didn’t want her anymore, and don’t want her back. So now of course, she’ll be scared of all catteries. So we’re going to ask our neighbours’ daughters if they want to catsit for her when we’re touring the States in July. It’ll be some nice pocketmoney for them.

Today, Mum and I had a back, shoulder, neck and head massage. Was lovely! I’d somehow managed to pull a muscle in my shoulder, but the massage sorted it right out. Was really nice. Then we went shopping. I needed some wellies for the festival I’m going to after the exams. Went in to Brantano (shoe shop), got the wellies, and then saw they had a whole section for size nine shoes!!

I have never been able to get nice shoes in regular shoe shops. They’ve always gone up to either a seven or eight. I’m an 8 1/2. So this was amazing. I was like a kid in a candy shop! Bought 10 pairs of shoes. All different kinds. I don’t have to live in trainers (sneakers) anymore!! I actually own proper shoes!!

Absolutely love them. Have to learn how to walk in high heels though!

V

Dear Diary,

Should be lying by the poolside sunbathing in Lanzarote right now. Unfortunately, I’m not. Our flight was cancelled due to the volcanic dust from the volcanoe eruption in Iceland. There’s a flight leaving tomorrow with a different airline, so we’re going to try and get on that. They only have 8 free seats available, so it’s unlikely that we will be able to get on it.

Have done something to my left shoulder, side of my neck and hip. They really hurt. Think it’s muscular. Hurts even to touch. No idea what I’ve done, maybe slept awkwardly or something. Ouch.

Am having a tough time distancing myself from Q. I know I should, that I’m not being fair on either of us. But it is difficult.

V

Dear Diary,

Have spent most of today sorting out all of my clothes. Have lost more weight since I last sorted them, so a lot have been packed up to donate to charity. Mum’s also taken some. So much more space in my wardrobe and chests! I can also get in to some of my older clothes, from when I was 17-18, yay!

Took a long time to do, but there’s so much more space now, awesome.

Have just finished watching The Hangover, it’s hilarious! Really funny.

Got a missed call from Q. And an email. Then he wanted to webcam. Just from what he says, it seems like he feels more for me, and that he’s not actually okay with us breaking up. That’s thrown me a bit. I thought he was 100% cool with us being just friends. But now I’m doubting that.

So I’m gonna have to take a step back and distance myself from him for a bit. Am a bit thrown, but I guess it was naive of me to think that we could go from being a couple to friends straight away.

V

Dear Diary,

I binged and purged last night. Had eaten a pizza, some chocolate and a packet of crisps. Felt horrible, so I brought it all back up. Was just a little slip up. Not going to make it in to a regular thing again.

It’s weird being single again. Was with Q for 11 1/2 months. He was my first relationship. But looking back on everything now, it would never have worked. We were just not right for each other. It was never going to work. We’re still friends, we still talk. It was the best decision to make. It just feels weird. And yes, am definitely pleased I didn’t go all the way with him!

Anyway. Amsterdam was great! The first night there we went to a coffeeshop and shared a pure joint. Holy cow! I had never been so high in my life. The joint was pure, good quality weed. No tobacco. Was amazing. The room was actually moving. We couldn’t finish it, we were that high. Walking back to the hotel was interesting. It was like in the movies, just a few flashes. Was weird.

Also tried shrooms. That was pretty cool. It’s meant to take about 30-45 minutes before it takes effect. It took about 1 1/2 hours to hit me. But when it did… wow! It was truley an amazing experience.

We also went to a live sex show, which was pretty cool.

Also went to see a couple of places, the sex museum, the palace, a market square, red light district etc. It was fun. But Q didn’t want to go to many places, he just wanted to sit in a coffeeshop the entire time getting high. Sure, I wanted to do that as well, but not all the time.

He was getting on my nerves a bit, so it’s a good thing we broke up.

But I did have a great time in Amsterdam, was a lot of fun. Lost one of my hearing aids though, which is annoying. Trying to claim it through insurance. Annoying. Luckily I have a spare one.

V

Dear Diary,

I broke up with Q. Went to Jane in the afternoon, showed her the letter I was going to sent. She gave me some pointers, and talked me through his possible reactions and how I would respond to them.

I sent the email. Was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Felt relief when I sent it. Am now grieving for the end of our relationship, and for what might have been. But it was definitely the right decision.

He called me to tell me he read the email, and we talked on MSN. He had a little dig at me for being a coward by breaking up with him via email and not face to face in Amsterdam. I told him I didn’t want to ruin the holiday for him. I didn’t really respond though – Jane warned me he might have a dig at me, as his ego will have been damaged.

But we talked, and we’re still friends, which I’m really pleased about. He agreed with me that breaking up is the best decision, as over the past few months we haven’t talked much, have been more friends with benefits than an actual couple. Which is true.

So we’re going to remain friends. Still talk over MSN. But we’re single. Which I think is the best thing. Who knows, maybe in a couple of months I might even visit him.

But it is a relief. It feels strange to be single again after 11 months. But it was the right decision.

Am just feeling a whole bunch of emotions right now, which I guess is normal.

V

Dear Diary,

Amsterdam was great. Will write a different entry about that. Right now I have one thing on my mind. Q.

Made the first move towards breaking up with him. We’re now back in an open relationship. It’s not going to be long before we’re over. And that’s what I want. We’re not right for each other. He’s caused me so much grief and heartache. He’s selfish, immature, rude, lazy, unhygenic and never thinks he’s wrong.

But… he’s my first love. He was there for me at a time when I really needed someone. He helped me recover from bad depression. I still have depression, but I’m getting better. But I know he’s now holding me back, instead of helping. But I do care about him. I loved him at one point.

And it’s just hitting me. This is real. We’re going to be over soon. And it’s made me sad, really sad. I didn’t expect to feel like this.

Am just feeling really down about it. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it hurts like crazy.

V

Dear Diary,

Have been crying a lot today. I’ve made the decision to break up with him. I’ve written the letter which I will email him. Am not sending it yet – I called Jane and made an appointment to see her on Friday. Will take the letter with me, see what she thinks about it.

Am a bit of a mess. I know it’s my decision. I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. I’m now second guessing myself. Am I doing the right thing? Deep down I know the answer is yes. He’s hurt me so much. We’re not right for each other.

But I was in love for him. I still care about him.

And I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. Terrified. Part of me thinks I should just keep things how they are now – where I have him to fall back on, but I go out and have fun. But that’s not fair on either of us.

I’m just terrified and hurting quite a bit. And I don’t want to hurt him.

Why are relationships so messy? Why is it hurting this much? Maybe I should wait until after the exams. Oh God, I don’t know.

V