Dear Diary,

Realised I never said what happened last Wednesday. There’s this drinking challenge at the student bar, which I did. It’s 7 cocktails; 28 shots of vodka in total. I did it. Most people that do the challenge do it in 4 hours. I got there late so did it in 2 1/2 hours.

I’m not entirely sure how it came about that I agreed to do the challenge. Olivia joked that I should do it, and then the next thing I know people are coming up to me asking if I’m doing the challenge. Then when John said girls can’t do it, well, that was it. So I agreed to do it.

Everything was fine up until cocktail number 6, which John dared me to down. You shouldn’t dare me at the best of times, but especially not when I’ve had 20 shots of vodka. Not that it was his fault – completely my fault, I take full responsibility. So anyway, after cocktail number 6, my mind is a blank. I only know what people have told me.

After I finished number 7, which John bought for me, Jessie, Olivia, Megan & Will walked me home. Except I only made it about half way. I fell in the bushes, and then decided I just wanted to sleep. Apperently I didn’t black out, I just wanted to sleep. My friends were panicking a bit and called an ambulance. Whilst waiting for the ambulance, a police patrol car saw us and stopped.

They were being friendly and just chatting with my friends while we all waited for the ambulance. At this point, a couple of other friends walked past and one of them, Matt, who was drunk, started complaining to the police about all that is wrong with the modern world. When his friends realised what he was up to, they quickly took him and left.

The ambulance arrived and checked me over, determined that I was just completely wasted and didn’t have any blood poisoning. They said they could take me to hospital, but that they wouldn’t recommend it and that I just needed to sleep it off.

Which left my friends with a problem; how on earth were they going to get me to walk up the hill? Luckily, the police stepped in. They didn’t want me in the back of their car as it would be a real hassle to clean if I was sick. But they radiod through to the station and requested a riot van. The riot van arrived and took my friends and me back home.

Once at the college, they put me on the sofas in the reception, as they couldn’t get me to walk to my room – which is on the opposite side of college. I stayed there for an hour or so, with my friends around me. Then a couple of guys came in that we know, and they helped carry/drag me to my room.

My friends took turns sitting with that night, to make sure I wasn’t sick in my sleep etc.

So yes, that’s what happened. Don’t know what I would have done without my mates there – they were absolute angels.

But I’m aware it was a stupid, stupid thing to do. That was a week ago. I haven’t had anything to drink since then. I need to give my liver a break. I need to start looking after myself properly.

Anyway. I managed to get the report done that was due in yesterday. It’s my shittiest piece of work, but it’s done. It’s formative, so doesn’t count towards the final mark for this year. It was a hell of a struggle though. Was near breaking point – just feeling so shit about everything. But I did it. Which is awesome.

V

Dear Diary,

I’m feeling quite stressed at the minute. Not depressed, just extremely stressed. Smoking lots, which isn’t good.

Best friend stress: Lynsey isn’t doing very well at all. Am terrified.

Uni stress: have a report due in on Tuesday which I have absolutely no clue about what to do. So worried about that. First German lecture tomorrow, am terrified I’m not going to be able to do it and will be forced to repeat the first year, again. BSL exam next week which I’m very worried about.

Relationship stress: Q is very depressed at the minute and I’m quite worried about him.

Health stress: where to start? I have 6 different doctors for 6 different things. That’s taking its toll.

Home stress: Dad has a perferated ear drum. Mum is having an operation on her kidney.

Just so much stress. Hardly sleeping. Worried constantly. Smoking like a chimney.

Argh!

V

Dear Diary,

Last night was… Oh boy! I completed the challenge. But am absolutely wrecked now. I’ll write an entry later.

Put it this way: I have no recollection of getting home, but apparently I got back, along with two of my friends, in a police van. Not due to me being arrested, but due to me being too drunk to be able to walk.

Yeh, not good.

Never, ever, ever again.

V

Dear Diary,

The meeting with my college tutor didn’t go so well today. He said he thinks the best thing for me is to restart the whole year. He said obviously he can’t force me to do this, but he thinks it’s the best thing. He said for me to make an appointment with my german lecturer and talk to him about it and then think about it.

I really don’t want to restart the first year. At all. I realise this term I’m going to have a shitload of work to do and it’s gonna be awful. But I do not want to go through this again. I want to do the work that’s needed and just get through this term. I know I can do this. It will be very, very hard, but I can.

Went out last night. Was a fun night. Slept with Joe. He is damn good in bed. The thing is… I do feel bad about Q. I love him, but just with everything, this feels like a way to distance myself. It’s stupid I know. And I’ve also realised I’m not falling for Joe – I just enjoy sleeping with him, but wouldn’t want anymore from him. What can I say, the sex is good.

I do wonder if I’m being fair on Q though. At least when he slept with other people he told me about it. But then, that almost killed me, knowing he slept with others. And he said he wants to go to this Burning Man festival in the States in the summer and is taking a “what happens at Burning Man stays at Burning Man” approach. Obviously when he told me that I wasn’t pleased. But then, I can’t really say anything, since I’ve cheated on him quite a few times. It’s all a mess.

I’m feeling a bit down at the minute. Just a bit teary and vulnerable. Feel like my life is a mess at the minute.

Going out tomorrow night. I’ve somehow got myself in to agreeing to doing this drinking challenge thing. Not entirely sure how that happened, but there we go. Will see what happens I guess.

V

Dear Diary,

Fighting off the urge to just bury my head in the sand. That’s what I always used to do. I’d let my depression overwhelm me and just not loeave my bed. Would just hide from life.

Well, no longer. I’m stronger than that. So while the future may look uncertain, I’m carrying on as best as I can.

I’m unsure what is going to happen from an academic point of view. Am I finishing this year and continuing how I am? Am I going to be forced to retake the first year? Am I going to continue, but without the two elective modules? In which case, will I have to take the elective modules next year, meaning I’ll have 7 modules instead of 5, or will I have to take an extra year for just the two elective modules?

Was meant to talk to my college tutor to find out what’s happening, but he’s been in meetings all day. Have an appointment with him at 11.30 tomorrow morning. Nervous as hell.

So there’s a lot of uncertainty, worrying and nervousness at the minute. But I’m not letting this be an excuse for my depression to get a hold on me again. I’ve been doing work today – writing up revision notes for one of my psychology modules. Am actually working.

Not having the eye surgery on Wednesday after all. The recovery time is longer than we first though, which would cause me to miss university – at the minute I’m assuming I’m still going through with the first year. So anyway, it’s scheduled for sometime in the Easter holiday.

I just find myself feeling very edgy and worrying. Part of me wishes I could go for a smoke. I now understand chain-smoking when someone is nervous and worrying. I want a cigarette dammit. I normally only smoke with Q – he’s a smoker, and I usually smoke with him. But when I’m not around him, I don’t smoke. But right now, due to the stress of everything, am craving a ciggie.

I wish Q was here, he would help me to relax. Cuddles would be nice right about now.

There’s a new club opening here tonight. Will probably be going out to that. Won’t drink much, as I want to be bright-eyed for the meeting tomorrow morning. But dancing always helps me. Can dance my worries away, which will be good.

Am just feeling so on edge at the minute. Grr.

V

Dear Diary,

I’ve been in a foul mood today. Probably due to being up most of last night because I was ill. Am fine today, luckily. Just seem to have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed. My poor parents are suffering the brunt of my bad temper.

Am going back to uni tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing everyone. Did have a dream about Joe that has disturbed me a bit, made me sad. Just dreamt that we were cuddling in my bed. Was really nice. Woke up feeling sad, and wished it was true.

Of course, I don’t really want that. He’s 4 years younger than me, at our age, that is a big deal – there’s a huge difference between 18 and 22. And he’s a player. No, I think it’s more that I miss cuddling with Q, and I know I’m gonna be seeing Joe soon.

I do miss Q. I still love him. Not as much as I used to, but I still want to be with him. Miss him. Hope he can come up here for Valentine’s day.

My laptop isn’t working, so I’m using my Mum’s. Taking hers to uni with me. Which is fine, except there’s no CD drive on this one. Which is annoying. I like to watch DVDs to relax when at uni. So can’t do that. And the same with the Sims 3. Can’t install that on here. So am gonna have to try and find something to do to relax at uni without music, DVDs and the Sims.

Meeting with my college tutor on Monday. Nervous. Hope everything works out okay. Told my parents about it. They’re supportive, but now keep talking about it, whereas I just want to forget about it until the day.

But no, I’m looking forward to going back to uni and seeing everyone.

V

Dear Diary,

Just wrote a whole entry and lost it. Hate it when that happens.

Got an email from my college senior tutor. Bugger bugger bugger. Trouble lies ahead.

I’m taking 5 modules at university. 3 are for psychology and 2 are elective, nothing to do with psychology.

I’ve been struggling with depression a lot this first term, but am coping. But at times it was hard – not being able to get out of bed the whole day or night. Just struggling with severe depression. So I’ve been absent from a lot of lectures. Still been doing the work – averaging about 80% for my psychology modules. Just haven’t been going to many lectures.

But the problem are my elective modules. My elective module tutors want me to repeat the year. Now obviously, since I’m doing really well in my psychology modules, I’m not wanting to do that!

So am seeing my college tutor on Monday to discuss my options. Oh shit. How on earth am I gonna tell my parents…?

V

Dear Diary,

I had an appointment at the hospital yesterday, to see if I can have laser eye surgery. The doctor went through everything with me, told me about the risks etc. And I’m gonna go through with it. Will be there for about 3 hours, though the actual surgery is only about 20 minutes: 10 minutes for each eye. The appointment has been made for next week Wednesday.

Very excited, but nervous as well. It would be amazing, not having to wear glasses or lenses. Would just be awesome. Though most likely I won’t have 20/20 vision. But that’s okay, as long as it’s an improvement! So yes, am quite excited.

Have also booked my flights to go visit Lotta in Finland for a weekend. Am visiting her the weekend of the 5th February. Never been to Finland before. Looking forward to it.

Going to the States in the summer – to Utah, Nevada, California and Arizona. Don’t know the exact dates though.

I still have bronchitis. That’s the fourth time this winter. Really fed up with being ill!! Been to the docs and am om medicine. Fingers that this time it goes away and stays away.

The snow is melting. It’s been quite bad in the UK in general, with places closing, lots of car accidents etc. Q and I didn’t really leave his place in Wales, was just too cold, snowy and icy.

And I do miss Q. Guess I do still love him. Relationships suck. So confusing. But yes, I do miss him and wish he was here.

V

Dear Diary,

One more thing… I didn’t sleep with Q. Well, yes, I did, but I didn’t lose my virginity to him.

There were times I wanted to, really wanted to. But that was lust, not love. It was the heat of the moment that made me want to sleep with him.

But something held me back. It just didn’t feel right. I kept thinking “I’ll do it when I’ve washed my hair,” or “I’ll do it after we’ve had dinner,” etc. I just kept making excuses.

It just didn’t feel right, so I didn’t. Q asked me once or twice, said he wants to sleep with me etc. Eventually I told him I just wasn’t ready, and he said that’s fine, that he wouldn’t ask again because he doesn’t want to put any pressure on me.

But not sleeping with him, keeping my virginity, felt like the right thing.

V

Dear Diary,

Haven’t really had the time to sit down and write an entry, have been with Q the whole time, apart from 5 minutes here and there. I’m at home now, so can finally sit down and write properly.

Am not sure what to do about Q. When he was here at Christmas he was horrible. He behaved like a child and was just being really arrogant and rude. I was ready to break up with him. But then when I went down there, he was being the man I fell in love with. He was a completely different person.

I’m not going to spend my life with him. I know that. We’re too different, we want different things. When we’re apart, I wonder why we’re together. But when we’re together, I have a great time. In the beginning I think I loved him more than he loved me. But now I think it’s starting to be the other way round.

He said several times that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. I’m the one that’s making him keep things together. Without me he wouldn’t be able to cope etc. Emotional blackmail I think. I don’t think I can leave him.

So yeh. It’s all a mess. But we’re staying together. Planning a holiday for the summer. A week in Amsterdam.

Am also going to Finland for a weekend to visit Lotta. To Lanzarote with my parents for a week at Easter. To Russia for a week in the summer with my parents and Auntie Hazel, to the States (California, Nevada, Arizona and Utah) with my parents and to Scotland with my Dad. Fun!!

Anyway. My New Year’s resolution. These were my resolutions last year:

Lose weight
Learn BSL
Learn to lipread
Complete a first aid course
Do volunteer work
Learn to drive

1) I’ve lost some weight, but not enough. I need to continue. But I’m on the right track.
2) It takes a long time to learn a new language, but again, I’m on the right track with BSL. I can ask for directions, talk about my family, my friends, being at university etc. All the basic things and some more descriptive things.
3) Haven’t learnt to lipread.
4) I completed a first aid course, that was fun.
5) Did volunteer work – at the bird of prey center and at the special needs’ school.
6) Passed my driving test first go.

So all in all, not bad at all.

So this year’s resolutions are:

1) Learn to lipread.
2) Lose weight.
3) Pass first year university.
4) Become more confident and stand up for myself.

V