Okay. So I’m going to be completely honest, about several things.
I’ve fallen out of love with Q. In fact, a lot of what he does and says just annoys me. I told my Mum that I don’t think this relationship will last much longer. She breathed a sigh of relief. She says I deserve someone that treats me better. Maybe I do.
But, in all honesty, it’s nice being with someone. Even if I don’t love him, it’s nice to have someone. So I’ll admit it – I’m using him. I’m using him for security, and I’m using him for travelling. Because I’m not sure if I would be as excited to go to London if I wasn’t meeting up with some of my uni friends as well, or if I would be as excited about going to Cardiff if I wasn’t meeting up with Joe as well.
Does this make me a bad person?
It’s just difficult. Because Q is my first. He will always have a special place in my heart. He was my first love. But this whole relationship has been difficult, filled with insecurities. I think it’s almost run it’s course. And I know it’s going to be me that’s going to have to finish it, and that’s going to be difficult.
And… I like Joe as more than just a friend. Damn it. I’m not going to lie – I want something to happen between us. Well, okay, something has happened between us, more than once. But I like him as something more than a friend with benefits. Which is bad, very bad. Since he’s a player. And he’s 3 1/2 years younger than me. Totally bad for me. Totally wouldn’t be interested in a relationship. But yes, that is how I feel. Oh boy.
And the final thing to be honest about. My virginity. I have done a lot of sexual things, but technically speaking, I am still a virgin. Recently I’ve been thinking about just having sex, getting it over with, getting it out of the way. I’m just worried. I’m worried that I’ll regret it. But, I’m also worried that I won’t feel anything – that losing it just won’t be a big deal at all. I know only I can know if I’m ready or not. But how do I know?
Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.