Dear Diary,

Okay. So I’m going to be completely honest, about several things.

I’ve fallen out of love with Q. In fact, a lot of what he does and says just annoys me. I told my Mum that I don’t think this relationship will last much longer. She breathed a sigh of relief. She says I deserve someone that treats me better. Maybe I do.

But, in all honesty, it’s nice being with someone. Even if I don’t love him, it’s nice to have someone. So I’ll admit it – I’m using him. I’m using him for security, and I’m using him for travelling. Because I’m not sure if I would be as excited to go to London if I wasn’t meeting up with some of my uni friends as well, or if I would be as excited about going to Cardiff if I wasn’t meeting up with Joe as well.

Does this make me a bad person?

It’s just difficult. Because Q is my first. He will always have a special place in my heart. He was my first love. But this whole relationship has been difficult, filled with insecurities. I think it’s almost run it’s course. And I know it’s going to be me that’s going to have to finish it, and that’s going to be difficult.

And… I like Joe as more than just a friend. Damn it. I’m not going to lie – I want something to happen between us. Well, okay, something has happened between us, more than once. But I like him as something more than a friend with benefits. Which is bad, very bad. Since he’s a player. And he’s 3 1/2 years younger than me. Totally bad for me. Totally wouldn’t be interested in a relationship. But yes, that is how I feel. Oh boy.

And the final thing to be honest about. My virginity. I have done a lot of sexual things, but technically speaking, I am still a virgin. Recently I’ve been thinking about just having sex, getting it over with, getting it out of the way. I’m just worried. I’m worried that I’ll regret it. But, I’m also worried that I won’t feel anything – that losing it just won’t be a big deal at all. I know only I can know if I’m ready or not. But how do I know?

Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.

V

Dear Diary,

Q’s just left to catch his train back down to London. I was meant to be going with him, but because I’m ill I’ll be joining him in a couple of days. Have had bronchitis (third time this winter, bloody sick of being sick!) this past week. I seemed to be getting better, but the last couple of days it’s been getting worse again.

Poor Q, this week didn’t quite turn out as either of us imagined, what with me coughing my guts up. Doesn’t really put either of us in a very romantic mood. And yesterday he started sniffling, so I think I’ve given him a cold. Fingers crossed it doesn’t turn in to anything more.

This past week did make me think about our relationship though. And to be honest, I don’t see a future with him. Not in the long run. I’ve been taking a couple of steps back and really evaluationg our relationship. We’re not right for each other. Now that I’m no longer wearing the rose tinted glasses, I can see his faults. And yes, everybody has faults. But the trick is to find someone who’s faults you either love or can live with. His just annoy me and piss me off.

He’s selfish. He’s immature. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s demanding.

Like I said, I’ve been ill this past week. I let him know before he came up, in case he wanted to stay at home. He said he still wanted to come up so he could look after me. But his idea of looking after me was slightly different from my idea…

Basically, I just wanted to sleep and snuggle up this past week. He of course, wanted sex, and lots of it. He has a huge sexual appetite. Normally that isn’t a problem, as mine isn’t exactly small. But when I’m ill, well, sex is the last thing on my mind. But I did feel guilty, so we did end up having lots of sex, even though I just wanted to sleep. To be fair on him though, he’s very giving in that department.

But anyway. He’s gone back home, and I’m going to recover for a few days, probably go to the doctor’s again and get some more antibiotics and then join him on either Tuesday or Wednesday, in time for New Year’s Eve.

Okay, rant over.

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas. I know I did. My Dad’s side of the family came round, and it was a lovely day, with lots of merriment, games and food.

Dad got Mum this beautiful Swarovski bird ornament. Absolutely stunning. I got Mum some DVDs and CDs. I got Dad silver cufflinks and a CD. My parents got me this beautiful gold howling wolf pendant and a Ted Baker handbag I’ve had my eye on for ages. I got Matthew a book he’s wanted for a long time, some CDs and a few little things. He got me a beautiful carved wooden box for envelopes and writing paper, as well as an angel candle and a 3D glass square with a carving inside of Jesus. Really nice, thoughtful gifts.

We played Trivial Pursuit, Taboo and another game. Lots of laughing. Watched Dr Who. Just had a lovely time. It was a really nice day. Normally Christmas always feels like an anticlimax, but this year, this year it was almost perfect. Was really nice.

V

Dear Diary,

Just a short entry. Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday so far.

It’s nice having Q here. Thing is, when he’s here, everything is fine. It’s when we’re apart that I notice the problems. I don’t know what to do… Although the rose tintet glasses have come off and I am seeing his faults. Time will tell I guess.

He’s here until the 27th. Then we’re both going to London until the 4th (where we’ll hopefully meet up with Olivia, Scott & Clara), then we’re going to Wales (where we’ll hopefully meet up with Joe) and then I’m going back home on the 10th.

I had a hearing appointment today. My hearing is getting a lot worse. Since almost 7 months ago my hearing has declined by 15%. Not good. I’m getting two more hearing aids – in the ear ones. Should be good. In the meantime I have to live with only one hearing aid.

V

Dear Diary,

Am really quite missing uni and uni people. Have been speaking with them on facebook and facebook chat, and they’re all feeling the same. And loads of statuses say “is missing everyone at uni”. Am really starting to enjoy it, which is good.

I’ll probably meet up with Clara, Liv and Scott when I’m down in London, and will probably meet up with Joe when I’m down in Cardiff. Will be nice to see everyone.

I’ve lost one of my hearing aids. On the last night, a bunch of us were walking around town in the snow. It started to snow again so I took them out and put them in my pocket. Then I took my gloves out of my pocket, and it must have fallen out when I did that. So that sucks. Got an appointment with a hearing clinic to get a new one.

Q is coming up here today. Will be nice to see him. I was going to meet him at the station in the city, but I seem to have caught bronchitis. So am staying in, and Q is getting a train to the town station. Though there was a bit of a mix up and he hadn’t realised, so he was calling up asking where we were. Oops.

Can’t believe Christmas is 5 days away. Then in 7 days I’ll be in London. And in 15 days I’m going to Cardiff. Will be a fun holiday. But am really looking forward to going back to uni.

V

Dear Diary,

Last couple of days have been tough. I’m okay. Surviving. I feel that this is the turning point for the rest of my life though. I’m either going to fail, crash and burn. Or I’m going to succeed, work at being happy and make something of myself. And you can bet your ass I’m fighting for the second option! It’s a struggle. But I’m fighting.

Has been tough though. Not going to mention the bad points. And there have been quite a few. But instead I’m going to focus on the good things.

I got 89% in a test. Unfortunately it was formative, so didn’t count towards my mark. Shame. One of my fellow students, Nicky, was really pissed off at me though, and has been complaining to a few other students. I didn’t go to any of the lectures, write up any notes or do any work at all for this particular section of the module. She worked very hard and got 90%. She’s not happy that she only got 1% higher than me. I keep trying to tell her that it’s not because I’m smart or anything, it’s just because I’ve done first year psychology before… But hey. 89%, I’m happy with that.

Tonight was fun. Went out clubbing. Good night. And I only had two drinks throughout the night. Am cutting down on the drinking. I remember when I didn’t have to be drunk or tipsy to have a good time. And I want to go back there. So I’m cutting down. And giving my liver a break as well!

Have been making some new friends. One of them, Nick2 said that I’m a great woman, a real sound girl. He said I come across as real, honest and down-to-earth. Was really nice to hear!

I’ve been rethinking about living in halls again next year. I think I would quite like to live out. Trouble is, Jenny and Sarah want to live somewhere really quiet. I don’t. I want to be walking distance to the town and the night life, like I am now. So I’m going to ask Scott & co if I can get a house with them.

Bought my parents Christmas presents. Hopefully they’ll arrive at college before I move back home.

I’m losing weight. Yay.

Bought 4 books by Cecilia Ahern with a Waterstone’s gift voucher I got from Lynsey for my birthday. Reading “The Gift” now. It’s a nice light read.

The Christmas hamper arrived from Dad’s old job when I was there last Monday. Lots of fun opening that. There was a box of Thornton’s chocolates in it. I asked if I could have it – going to give it to the cleaners for Christmas.

So yes, I’m focusing on the good things. Am hanging in there.

V

Dear Diary,

I feel like things are getting on top of me. I’m keeping going though. I was just not bothering with the work. But I want good grades. So I’m gonna do the work. I had the kick up the ass I needed in the form of a couple of emails from lecturers asking about my lack of attendance. Have had to arrange appointments to talk to them about why this is. Have chatted with a few of them, and I was honest. Since I’m registered as disabled with depression, they were very understanding and supportive. But it was the wake up call I needed. I want to do well.

One thing that is helping me feel better is I’m socialising. I’m not locking myself away in my room. I’m reaching out to people. That definitely helps. So that’s good.

Although I might be partying a bit too much, I don’t know. Am drinking more than I ever have. Am not getting drunk, but am pretty tipsy/merry most nights. I think it’s just my way of coping with everything.

Clara has left uni. Things got too much for her. She left today. Will miss her, but it’s definitely the best thing for her.

Bought myself 4 books by Cecilia Ahern (author of PS I Love you) with a Waterstone’s voucher I was given by Lynsey for my birthday. Looking forward to reading them. Q always makes fun of my taste in books – I do like my chick lit. But then, I just love losing myself in happy chick lit books.

Ordered my parent’s Christmas presents from Amazon. Hope it gets here in time! I put my uni address down as the delivery address. But am only here for another week. Hopefully it’ll make it.

V

Dear Diary,

Am feeling a bit down today. Spent the whole day in bed. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything. Was a really bad day. Haven’t spoken to Jane in a while, am gonna email her to make an appointment. I guess bad days are to be expected.

Yesterday was nice. Went in to town with Lynsey. Did a bit of shopping. Chatted with her.

Also got my nipples pierced. I’d made an appointment on the weekend. It did hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. I quite like them. I know I normally post pictures when I get new piercings – but think I’m going to pass on that with these ones! Am sure you can all understand why!!

Went out clubbing in the evening. Was an alright night. Better than staying in doing nothing.

I haven’t been eating much recently. One meal a day. In the past 4 days I’ve lost 2 kilos. It’s not on purpose, not ana rearing her ugly head again. It’s just that I haven’t been hungry. Probably with everything that’s going on with Q, I just don’t seem to have an appetite. And I just cannot bring myself to eat when I’m not hungry.

I’m not counting it as weight loss though, as once I regain my appetite I’ll put it all back on again.

V