Dear Diary,

Am finding it hard to motivate myself to write at the minute. Don’t know why. It’s not that I’m in a heavy depression and can’t find the energy to write. Don’t know what it is. Am the same with facebook as well. Oh well.

Went to see Pink in concert, which was just amazing!! Had such an awesome time. Went with Lisa. We had pretty damn good seats as well! Because of Lisa’s arthritis and poor lung function, she was eligible for two seats in the disabled area. So that’s where we were. A pretty good place!

It was just awesome. She’s a great entertainer. She actually talked and interacted with the audience. She was really funny as well. And her backup was just great as well. The dancers and the acrobatics they did. Wow. And she did some as well. Just amazing.

She sung some of my favourite songs, including Get The Party Started, Just Like A Pill, Family Portrait, Trouble, So What, Sober, Funhouse and so many more. Was just brilliant. She also sung a few songs by several other artists, which was great as well. We both had a really good time.

Had a two hour driving lesson this morning. Wasn’t so bad. Ronnie says I need to get my test booked for 6 weeks from now, although he thinks I’ll be ready much sooner that that. Scary!

Am going to London tomorrow to see Q.. Am so excited! Have taken all the safety precautions I can think of. Lisa knows where I’m going, have given her his full name, phone number, picture and home address. I’ll be checking in with her by text every three hours, and we also have a codeword for if I’m in trouble. If she doesn’t hear from me or I use the codeword, she’s calling the police. I’ve also got a personal safety alarm and some pepper spray (well, not pepper spray as that’s illegal in the UK, but I have the heaviest spray that’s legal here).

Obviously my parents don’t know that I’m meeting him or staying at his house (he doesn’t live alone, he lives with his Mum, who I’ve also seen on the webcam). If he lived alone I wouldn’t be staying at his house. I’ve taken all the precautions I can think of.

But yes, my parents don’t know. They wouldn’t let me go if they knew. They wouldn’t let me go on a bus by myself until I was about 18, so there’s no way they’d let me do this. And CP &MrCuty, you guys know the hassle it was when we went to Lindisfarne! They are very, very overprotective. And I am an adult, I’m 21, I’m being as safe as I can be, I’m paying for everything, so I don’t really see how it’s any of their business.

Am so excited. Really can’t wait!

V

Dear Diary,

I passed my driving theory test! Yay! Was so sure that I was gonna fail. But I passed. Hurray! Talk about relief. Was pretty shocked that I had passed. So now I’ve got 2 years to take the driving test, though hopefully I’ll take it a lot sooner than that, as am getting sick and tired of the lessons. Not to mention, they’re expensive. 22 pounds for an hour!

Got a new hearing aid as well. It’s digital and like it a lot more than my old one. It’s at a higher setting as well, since my hearing has gotten worse. Need to get used to it for a bit, as have gotten used to not hearing so well. But it’s good, I like it. The hearing in my left ear is now almost as bad as the hearing in my right ear, so I need to make an appointment to get a hearing aid for that ear as well. Before, it was just in the normal range. Not anymore. Oh well.

Going to the theatre tonight with my Mum, Aunt Elsie & cousin Pam. Should be good fun. We’re going out for an Italian afterwards, am looking forward to it. Don’t have anything planned tomorrow, a nice lazy day.

Mum’s leaving on Monday, she’s going to visit her parents for Grandad’s 80th birthday. Only it’s a surprise, and only her sister knows she’s going. Hopefully she’ll have a good time.

And on Tuesday I’ve got BSL class, although will have to miss the last hour (it’s a 3 hour class every week), as Lisa and me are going to see Pink in concert! Can’t wait, am really excited about it.

V

Dear Diary,

Okay, so was having a bad day when I wrote the last entry. Feeling a bit better now. Most days though, I still feel like I’m missing something, like I’m not feeling things the way everyone else does. I don’t really know how to explain it.

Had another driving lesson this morning. Ronnie said it was my best ever. Did a couple of manoevers (sp?) and didn’t do too badly. Also drove to college this evening, and Dad said it was the best I’d driven with him. So looks like I’m getting better.

BSL test went okay, I think. Was very nervous, but met up with the teacher earlier and we went through everything that she’d taught me. Then did the test. Think it went alright. I hope. Not sure though. Will get the results anywhere from 2-6 weeks time.

We’re going to a funeral tomorrow. My Dad’s Aunt died a week ago. Auntie Barbara. She was 92. I’d only met her a handful of times, but she was a lovely, funny woman. My Aunt, Dad’s sister, was with her an hour before she died. She was visiting her. Aparantely Auntie Barbara said to my Aunt ‘it was nice seeing you one last time, but it’s time for you to go now. It’s time.’ My Aunt was very confused at the time. Now it’s looking like Auntie Barbara knew it was her time to go.

So her funeral is tomorrow. She’s being cremated. At the same place where my Grandparents, Dad’s parents, were cremated. I’ve never been there before. Don’t even know where their ashes were scattered. It’s not something I’ve ever thought about really, as they died long before I was born. But I think it would be nice to know, to visit the place where they were scattered.

Mum’s hurt her back. She’s not sure what she’s done, maybe pulled a muscle or something. But she was in a lot of pain yesterday, could hardly move. She’s feeling a bit better today, but it still hurts. Have been giving her lots of massages to help her. If it still hurts in a few days she’s going to see if she can go to a physiotherapist.

Am gonna call the CF trust tomorrow. They sent me details about a sponsored zipslide, and I’d like to do it. Just need to get a few more details, and then I’ll request a sponsorship packet. Anyone wanna sponsor me?

V

Dear Diary,

I’m reading up on the Highway Code and taking the test. There’s actually a lot more information that I thought there would be. Most of it is common sense. Some of it I think is ridiculous. But I can’t say anything, or I’ll be branded a racist. Ha! Me, a racist?! But fine, whatever.

Have booked the test for Friday. Wish me luck… Am nervous about it. It’s not cheap to sit it. Can’t really afford to fail it. Also have the BSL test on Tuesday. Am really nervous about that. Am worried that my mind is just going to go blank. Keep panicking about it.

It would be so much easier if I knew someone that knew BSL or was learning BSL, then we could practice together. But the only practicing I can do is on my own, which is fine, but it’s always best to learn a language with someone else and have options to speak or sign that language to someone else.

Haven’t heard from Kaj. Am relieved. He’s a nice guy, but there was just no chemistry. And to think how nervous I was before our first date! Turns out it was all for nothing. Ah well, I had fun anyway.

Better get back to reading the highway code. Fascinating stuff.

V

Dear Diary,

Had a driving lesson this morning that was just horrendous. It was horrible. Bah. Really don’t like driving. Urgh.

Am not feeling so good either. Think it’s my blood pressure. Am feeling really dizzy and light-headed. The room keeps spinning and I’m seeing little dots. Not good. Started feeling like this yesterday when I was in the city with Lisa.

It feels like my blood pressure. Am taking the meds to try and bring it up and eating a lot of salt. Doesn’t seem to be working. Even took the emergency meds that should normally work within an hour, but it hasn’t done anything. Very strange. So I’m just feeling like I’m going to pass out any minute now. Probably why my driving was so bad – was concentrating very hard on not passing out, that I was hardly concentrating on driving. I wanted to cancel the lesson, but let my Mum talk me out of it.

Yesterday was nice (apart from feeling like I was going to faint) with Lisa. She’s not feeling so good, her lungs are pretty bad and she’s in a lot of pain from her arthritis. Nothing the doctors can do, she just has to grit her teeth and learn to live with the increasing pain. She’s taken up gardening and has her own vegetable patch. It was nice seeing her and catching up.

Had another date with Kaj. We had a coffee at a cafe, went for a walk in the city, went to an art museum, had dinner and then went to a pub for a drink. I think we’ll be good friends. There’s just… nothing there. No chemistry. And we have nothing in common. I mean absolutely nothing. Obviously I know it’s good not to have everything in common, but we had nothing. We differed in opinion on everything. Our sense of humour, interests, taste in music and films, political and religious opinions and everything else was just too different.

I think we’ll make good friends, but for me, that’s it. I think he feels the same way as well, which is good. Ah well, the dates were fun, don’t regret going on them, was a good time.

I’m going down to London in 2 weeks to visit Q. Am giving Lisa his contact details – address, phone number, full name etc. Have also arranged with Lisa to get in touch with her at certain times during the days that I’m there. If she doesn’t hear from me, she’ll probably call the police. Sounds paranoid maybe, but after all, am going to London to meet a guy I met online. Can’t be too careful. My parents don’t know about this, just told them I’m visiting a friend. Not one I’ve never met before.

And we’re meeting in central London first, in a public place. If I feel at all uncomfortable or ill at ease, then I’m outta there.

Have been working on my personal statement for uni. Am not happy with it at all. But I’ll continue working on it and then send it in. Deadline for applying to uni is quickly approaching.

Have my BSL test and driving theory test next week. So am a little bit stressed…

Doesn’t help that I my head keeps spinning as well, doesn’t make it easy to concentrate!

V

Dear Diary,

So I’ve been thinking about Kaj. I like him, think he’s nice. We had a really nice time on our first date. I felt really comfortable around him and we had a laugh, no awkward silences, it was nice. The thing is, I’m not sure if there was any chemistry or not.

When I first met him at the club in S, I was attracted to him – obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t want to go on a date with him! But I didn’t really feel any attraction on the first date, it felt more like friendship to me. Now it could be that we were both just too nervous.

Am not sure though. When I went on the date with Paul, I was attracted to him. It felt like electricity between us, when we were in the movies and our arms were so close to touching, it felt like there was electricity jumping between us. When I was on a date with Hannah, I didn’t feel anything. I thought she was nice, but I didn’t feel any chemistry.

With Kaj, I’m not sure if there was chemistry. Like I said, I had a really nice time, we had a laugh and got on really well, and I’m looking forward to seeing him again on Wednesday. I just can’t work out if I’m looking forward to seeing him as a friend, or potentially as something more than a friend.

So I’m a bit confused, as I really did have a good time with him.

I’ve also been talking a lot with this guy online. Which is silly, I know. Since we’ve never met. I guess what I’m thinking, is see how the second date goes with Kaj. If there’s really no spark there, then I think we should just be friends. Then maybe I can pursue whatever it is that Q (online guy) and me have going. Most likely a friends with benefits type thing, which is fine by me.

I just think if there’s no chemistry, there’s no chemistry. You can’t force something. There was chemistry in the club between Kaj and me, hence the date. But we were both a bit tipsy. And I just don’t think I felt anything on the date. Had a really nice time, but it did feel like more of a friendship thing.

Does that make me a bad person? I mean, it’s not like I can afford to be picky – people don’t exactly line up to date me! I don’t know. I’m just confused.

For our second date, we’re meeting in N. If it’s a nice day, I figure we can go for a walk along the river and stop at cafes and have a drink. Maybe end up at the museum at the end of the river (he loves history). If the weather isn’t so good, maybe go for a drink at a pub and then go to the movies. Am thinking a thriller/horror. Past experience dictates that seeing a thriller will definitely show if there’s chemistry or not.

What do you guys think?

I just feel like I’m being picky and a bitch.

V

Dear Diary,

Ken, Greg and Lotta have just left. Have had such a nice weekend with them. We all took the train up to my house Friday afternoon. Friday evening we had an Easter party – all my Dad’s side of the family was there. It was great fun. We all had a really good time.

Then yesterday we went for a walk to some of Hadrian’s Wall and had a picnic by it. Was really nice. We had a right laugh and were just being silly. We were out for about 4-5 hours. When we got back to my house, the boys had a nap and Lotta and me watched a DVD (the Family Stone).

In the evening we had some shots (including Absynth – lethal stuff, 70% alcohol) and then headed out. We went to a few bars. They were impressed – their impression of us country folk was that we all wore dungarees with checkered shirts and sucking on som straw! They got a nice surprise and were very impressed with the men (who, I have to say, are generally speaking, very good looking).

We then went to the club (there’s only one club here…) and again, they were impressed by that as well. They were expecting it to be tiny and they thought the music would be country. They were pleasantly surprised by what they saw. The club has two floors, different music on each floor, and nice sitting area. Not at all what they were expecting. They said they’ll definitely be coming back here.

Honestly though – city folk have such a stereotypical view of us country folk!! And I do class myself as country – in Belgium I lived in a small village that had farm markets, with horses, sheep, cows, pigs, chickens etc. Was about 30 minutes from the city. And here I live in the country as well. I have lived in the city (when I went to uni), and I must say, much prefer the country. I like that if I want to go in the city I can catch a train and be there in 40 minutes, but definitely prefer living in the country.

But anyway, they were surprised and enjoyed themselves a lot – were commenting on the things that I take for granted, reminding me to be thankful for it. Listening to all the birds. Seeing the wildlife. Seeing the stars at night. No pollution. Just bliss.

Then today we had a lazy day and just relaxed at home, chatted, played snooker etc. It’s now just gone 5pm.

Did have a nice time, love to socialise with them. But I also like my me-time. At the end of the day, I have to spend a few hours alone to recharge myself. I’m not anti-social, I just have to recharge otherwise I go crazy. This is the first time I’ve been alone since Friday. Some much needed alone time!

Mum’s gone out, she’s going to a concert. Neither Dad or me like who she’s seeing (Il Divo), but she’s a huge fan. So for her birthday Dad bought her a meet-and-greet concert ticket. She was thrilled, and is very excited to be going. I don’t mind their music, it’s nice for certain moods. But I prefer my Good Charlotte, Pink, Eminem, Tupac, Christina Aguilera etc. Hope she has a good time.

Dad and me are going out for dinner later on to the local pub. Should be good. We’re also going to plan our trip around the West of Scotland, hey Skye, we’re going to the Isle of Skye as well! We’re thinking of going in June.

So yeh, did have a good time with them. Though Ken did annoy me at one point. He dumped his boyfriend because his boyfriend was depressed and on medication for it. Ken said he should just think positive, not be on medication as that makes it worse, think to the future and not think about the fact he’s depressed. When I said depression is nothing like when someone feels down for a day he said ‘I’m sure that it is’, in a way which meant he did not agree at all and thinks depressed people are being silly. So as you can imagine, that did not sit well with me!

I didn’t let it ruin the weekend though, and didn’t make an issue out of it (as much as I wanted to). There’s just no convincing some people. And unless you’ve been there, you can’t imagine what it’s like.

But apart from that, had a really nice time.

Oh and guess what? Kaj got in touch and we’re going on a second date next week! We’re meeting in the city (he lived in S which is a city, but we’re meeting in N, also a city but closer to where I live). He’s not really been to N before and says he’ll follow my lead. Any ideas about what we should do?? We’re meeting at 2pm.

My friends said we should do something different to what we did on the first date. But on the first date we went for dinner, movie, cafe, bar and then clubbing… So we did pretty much everything! So any ideas about what we should do??

Heh – my parents had fun while I was in S. Dad managed to burn down our bins – the bins we leave out for the binmen to collect. They completely melted. Dad put the ashes from the fire in one of them. Only they weren’t cooled down enough. So the bin caught fire, and so did the one next to it. So bye-bye bins. Luckily he spotted it before it was too late though, as our bins are next to our oil tank. Could have been very dangerous.

What our bins look like now!

And Mum managed to almost destroy the curtains in the snooker room. Not quite sure how she managed that one! She also almost killed Snoopy. Snoopy is a very nosy cat. Mum had pulled the cupboard open (it’s one of those ones that’s on a slidey thing and pulls out, then when you push it too it dissapears in to the wall, know what I mean?). Well Snoopy was behind it, in the wall. So when she pushed it closed, Snoopy was there and she almost squashed her. She’s fine, but was a little spooked.

So my parents had an eventful day! Obviously can’t leave them alone for a long period of time .

V

Dear Diary,

…. Really well . At least I think it did. Have yet to hear from him… But we’ll see. I had a great time anyway. Was so nervous before I left. Was worrying that he would stand me up, or that I would arrive early and look like a douchebag. Or that… Well, you get the picture!!

I did arrive 10 minutes early. Went inside the cinema. He was already there waiting . We hugged, then he bought the movie tickets (we saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop). We had a few hours until the movie started, so we went for dinner at Frankie & Benny’s. Had a great time, we talked about everything under the sun. From favourite movies and music to the current economic crisis and immigration issues. Had a good time.

The only bad thing was that he kept going outside to smoke, about every 20 minutes or so (he later told me he smokes more when he’s nervous, he normally only smokes 2-3cigs a day), but you know, the least he could do was offer me one and not leave me alone! Not to mention I was very conscious of my spots – which no amount of concealer could hide!

We chatted for about 2-3 hourse, then the movie started. It was really funny. Had a good time. Then he suggested we go for some coffee in a cafe. Which we did, we chatted for another hour. Then he suggested to go to a pub and chat some more. Which we did. Then at about midnight the pub closed and Lotta and Ken texted me, letting me know they’re out clubbing. So we joined them. Laughed and chatted some more.

Was at about 2am that he called it a night (he has his dissertation to work on, which is due in in a few weeks). He told me he had a great time and that we should do it again soon. I agreed. We hugged goodbye.

So I think it went well. Lotta and Ken said that it looked like we were both really in to each other. And I’ll take it as a good sign that he was the one that suggested – twice – to make the date last longer, and he bought me a drink in the club. That’s gotta be a good thing, right? Have sent him a text, just waiting on a reply now…

So yeh. But there’s a part of me… a small part that’s wondering if this is genuine excitement, or if it’s because someone actually likes me. I don’t know if I liked him as more than a friend or not. I dunno.

Have also been talking with the guy I met online. We want to meet up. We’ve exchanged pictures and have webcammed. I was honest and told him about Kaj and that we should wait to see what happens with him. But I definitely want to meet up with him.

But Kaj is really nice… Had a great time. I hope he did as well. Then Lotta, Ken and I stayed out until 3am in the clubs. Had a nice night all around. Mind you – I wasn’t dressed for clubbing at all, but was fun. I just hope he had a nice time and gets in touch with me!

There is such a cool thing going on with my old housemates. It’s very cool and newspaper worthy, but I’ll have to wait until the bidding war between the different newspaper that they’ve contacted ends. Only then can I say something, don’t want to ruin it for them. But at the minute the highest bidder is 750 pounds between them. Pretty cool.

Greg, Ken and Lotta are coming back home with me later on today to the Easter party. They’re all staying the night. Should be a fun night. Then Ken and Greg are going back to their home on Saturday, and Lotta’s staying the night again and we’re hitting the club (I live in a country town – there’s only one club..).

So, so far, the start of this long weekend has been great!!!

V

Dear Diary,

Today’s the day. Am so nervous. And excited. And scared. And excited. And afraid. And excited. Have I mentioned that I’m excited? I feel like a giddy little kid. Seriously, I have butterflies and am so nervous. I feel like a kid!

I am nervous though. All these ‘what ifs’ going through my head. I guess I just gotta think like this: don’t go with any big expectations, just expect to have some fun. Still nervous!

And of course I’ve got three massive spots. Today of all days! My skin has been clear the past 3 weeks, and now I have spots. 2 on my cheek and one massive one on my chin. Bloody typical, gah!

Haven’t been up to much these past few days. Had a driving lesson, which went alright. Realised that I’ve missed the interview with the woman in charge of volunteering at my local hospital. Crap. It was meant to be last Wednesday. Thing is, I was so ill and just sleeping and not really with it, that I completely forgot. Crap, crap, crap. Sent her an email apologising. Can’t believe I forgot about it…

I better go pack my bag, am staying the night at my old house. The date with Kaj is in the city there, since that’s where we met. So I’m spending the night at my old house there, otherwise I would have to keep an eye on the time and make sure I leave plenty of time to catch the last train home. Just easier this way.

Then tomorrow Lotta, and maybe Ken, is coming up with me here. Got an Easter party with all the family here. Lotta’s – maybe Ken – is staying the night, then on Saturday we’re going clubbing.

By the way – I’ve decided to listen to you guys and wear my long sleeved tshirt underneath my short sleeved tshirt. I do that a lot anyway, so it’s not out of character, and it doesn’t look bad. I think I suit layers.

God I’m nervous – wish me luck!!!

V