I’m getting sick of having no internet at my uni house. Am at uni now – thank God for laptops! Am connected to the uni’s free internet. I could have used one of the computers at the library, but then I run the risk of someone finding my diary. It’s doubtful, but you never know. So it’s safer using my laptop. Have got my first lecture of this year in about 15 minutes.
I’ve made a pact with myself. Kind of like a resolution. Well, have made two resolutions. One is about my weight – more on that later – the other is about uni. I’ve decided that after every lecture and seminar I’m going to go to the library and use their numerous books and make notes about whatever it is that I’ve just learnt in the lecture or seminar. Then at the end of each week I’m going to write the notes up in to revision notes. I can do this.
Was watching the L-Word last night with Jeanett. We were both talking about how we want someone. She wants a guy, I don’t really care either way; guy or girl. Just someone! I don’t think Jeanett or Lotta know that I’m bi. It’s not exactly a secret, but it’s not something I make a point of mentioning either. Blah.
I just feel so lonely. I know all the corny sayings; you’ll find someone when you least expect it, stop searching and love will find you, you’re young – give it time etc. But those sayings only go so far! I’ve been single for… fucking hell, for 3 years now! That’s ridiculous! Am I seriously that disgusting that no one wants me?
No, I know someone that wants me. Stuart does. Would it be bad of me to get with him when I don’t feel about him as he does about me? Yes it would. Doesn’t stop me from considering it. I want to feel wanted and loved, and I know that’s selfish of me. So yes, I’m considering it, but I wouldn’t do it. He deserves better, and so do I. I just doubt I’ll ever find someone.
Am just so damn lonely!
Binge eating… That’s gotta stop. I know, deep down I know, that someone should love me despite of my body. But let’s face it. Why settle for the fat chick when you can have the thin chick? Fat is an insult. How many of us use the word ‘fat’ to hurt someone? When you’re angry at someone, maybe you call them a ‘fat bitch’ or ‘fat-ass’ or ‘fat girl’. Maybe not even when you’re angry, maybe just without thinking about it. But fat is an insult. Think about it, when you call someone ‘fat’ in an argument, you’re insulting them. I’m fat. Fat is an insult. Therefore I am an insult. Might as well go ‘you’re so Vicky’, after all, it’s the same thing.
So the binge eating has got to stop. I’m back at uni now, so no one is watching what I’m eating. I can eat as little as I like. I’m gonna have to do it slowly though. After all, if I just stop suddenly it won’t work, I’m going to have to wean myself off food slowly. I’m going to do it though. My birthday is in about 2 months. I want to look good for it. Say if I am to lose about 4kg a week. My birthday is about 8 weeks away. Therefore, IF I stick to the plan, I can lose 32kg by my birthday. I’ll still be big, but it’s a start. In the end I want to lose about 49 kg. I can do this. I will do this. Starting now. So at the end of each day I’m going to write down exactly what I’ve eaten and how many calories. And I’ll weigh myself every week. I can do this. Have done it before.
Welcome back old friend.
Had to force myself to get up this morning. Just wanted to stay in bed. Wasn’t tired or anything (even though I only managed to sleep about 4-5 hours, was tossing and turning all night), just did not have the energy.
I just have to work through my depression. Force myself like I’m doing. If I lose weight, study, go to all my lectures etc. I’ll be convincing everyone else that I’m fine. Who knows, I might even be able to convince myself.
Have a doctor’s appointment at 6pm tonight, so need to catch the train back to my parent’s house. Hopefully the doctor will be able to tell me what’s wrong with me, as I don’t really want to go to a gyne! Fingers crossed…