Dear Diary,

It’s weird being back in England. Not as nice weather as in Italy! It’s raining and cold… Bring back Italy!

I miss Chiara as well. We did have a good time, even if we didn’t get a chance to be alone much. It was hard as well though, because as you know I do have feelings for her. Although I’m hiding it obviously because I don’t want to loose our friendship. It was hard though, and there were slight feelings of jealousy… But I kept them in check and don’t think anyone was any wiser. But when she was in the pool and her kaftan was clinging to her… Okay, moving on!!

Am having fun with Jolin and Marlies here. It’s great seeing them again. And speaking Flemish again! Haven’t spoken it in so long. But it’s really good seeing them and catching up. We’re having a right laugh.

Am going to the doctor’s tomorrow. Am still on my period… It’s been like 4 and a half weeks. It’s exhausting. Plus the cramps and bloatedness aren’t exactly a walk in the park! Not to mention when it’s that time of the month I get the runs, so it is not fun. So tomorrow it’s time to go to the doctor’s!

V

Dear Diary,

Am back from Italy! It’s a beautiful country. And so hot! Went to Pisa, Florence, Rome, the Vatican and Lucca. Very cool! Saw so much. Was very cool. Scotland is beautiful as in the countryside is stunning, but Italy has gorgeous cities.

Only managed to get a small tan, unfortuntely! But the villa that we stayed at was amazing – had our own pool! And Chiara’s family are so nice, her parents and grandparents made me feel so at home, we had a right laugh. Her brother was a bit moody and not always very nice, but he’s 16 years old, so that’s to be expected!

I did feel kind of awkward though. Jules and Chiara are still in the honeymoon period of their relationship, they’ve only been going out a few months, so it’s all new and exciting. Nothing wrong with that, it’s to be expected and it’s sweet. However, it did kind of suck that every 5 minutes they stopped to make out. Every 5 minutes. No matter where we were or what we were doing… walking around on the street, in the pool or sea, at a restaurant, in a church… So that made me feel kind of awakward. Plus they had to hold hands and hug all the time. If they were sitting at the table and not touching each other, they’d look at each other and say ‘I miss you’. So they always had to be touching in one way or another.

Like I said, it’s sweet and everything, but I did feel like it was kind of over the top, and it did make me feel a bit awkward and left out. I don’t know if that’s just me being bitchy or not. I didn’t say anything, just let them get on with it, in case it was my problem and I was being a bitch. I just felt a bit alone, that’s all.

But everything else was cool. Did have a great time. And managed to talk to Chiara about Stuart while Jules was in the shower. She said what everyone else said… and she made me realise what everyone else said is true. She also knows Stuart, went to school with him like I did. And she said he’s pretty self-destructive and will most likely hurt me, without meaning to. I think she might be right. I can’t afford to look after someone at the minute, he needs help getting out of that dark place, but I’m only just getting out of it myself, I don’t know if I have the strength or energy to help him do that. Not without dragging myself back down again, does that make me a bitch?

So anyway. Back to Italy… Wow.. Just… wow. What a beautiful country. Although the Vatican wasn’t what I expected. I thought it would be pretty big and walls around it, but… it’s just, one minute your in Rome, the next in the Vatican. Was weird! We didn’t get to see the Sistine Chapel, as we had to book in advance, which was a shame. But we saw St. Peter’s and things. Very cool. Rome was amazing aswell, seeing the colleseum. Very cool!

Got some friends over from Belgium at the minute, Jolin & Marlies. They were meant to come tomorrow but arrived a day early, it’s so great seeing them. Though was a bit of a rush! I’d only been back for 30 minutes when they arrived!

Had a good time though.

Cousin Cath was meant to be induced yesterday, but it didn’t work. Her due date was 2 weeks ago and she’s getting pretty fed up! So the nurses sent her home and told her that if she doesn’t go in to labour during the weekend, they’ll try inducing her again on Monday, if that doesn’t work they’ll try again on Tuesday, and if that doesn’t work they’ll do a C-Section on Wednesday. Of course there’s always a risk with any operation, so let’s just hope she gives birth naturally and all goes well!

V

Dear Diary,

Damn it. I thought I’d made up my mind about Stuart. I thought I was just not going there.

He’s hurt me a lot in the past. Really a lot. He made me feel used and dirty and he made my heart ache. Then he made me feel like a fool when he came up to visit me a couple of months ago.

Lisa said he’s no good for me, that every time in the past he’s hurt me. Every time I’ve let him in, he’s hurt me. Every time, without fail. She says I deserve better. She asked me if I could trust him not to hurt me again – the answer is no I can’t. I don’t trust him.

But damn it. Why does he have to be so sweet? Why does he have this damn hold over me? I guess because it’s just so weird that someone would actually like me.

Lisa thinks I should block him on MSN and delete im from facebook so he won’t get to me anymore. I don’t know… Every time we talk my defense cracks that bit more, and I’m left wondering if I should give him another chance. I’m just so damn confused. What do you guys think? Be honest, don’t say ‘only you know what to do’, lol!! Seriously, what do you guys think? Be brutally honest please!

Speaking of Lisa. Her results came back – not good. She’s got liver disease and needs more tests done. This is not good news at all. Am really worried about her. Lisa said it’s the beginning of the end. Please God, don’t let that be true, please.

She’s my best friend. She’s so young. She doesn’t deserve this. Please God, look after her.

V

Dear Diary,

Was meant to be going to the doctor’s today. Will have to go when I get back from Italy instead. Mum said she’d drive me, otherwise I would have walked or taken the bus. She went out this morning to the city and called a couple of hours ago saying she’d be back soon. She’s just called now saying she won’t be back for another hour… the doctor’s surgery closes in 20 minutes. It takes about 30 minutes to walk there, and the bus passed my house about 10 minutes ago. That kind of sucks. Never mind. Will go when I get back from holiday.

Had another driving lesson this morning. Went alright, even did a 3-point turn. Scary! I get flustered easily though and make silly mistakes – like signalling left when he said to go right. I’m sure he thinks I’m a right div.

Had a waxing appointment as well. I’m sure it hurt more this time than the first time! Ouch. The things women have to go through… lol!! Posted a couple of things, a letter to Dpitt and a card to Issy, let her know I’m still thinking about her and if there’s anything she needs I’m only a phonecall away. Must be hard for her, being a single mum. Wish I could help out a bit, babysit and stuff, but she lives in Belgium.

I suppose I better get packing – have to leave the house at 5.30AM tomorrow! Am so excited! Doubt I’ll have internet access, so see you guys next week! Am so excited!!!! It doesn’t seem real, I’m actually going to Italy, how cool!!! And with Chiara, yay!!

V

Dear Diary,

I HAVE MY OWN CAR. How cool is that?! Had my driving lesson this morning – was slightly rusty starting off after not having driven for a week. By the end I was alright. Got another lesson tomorrow. Went in to the city to see if they could fix my camera (the bit around the lens keeps falling off, nothing a bit of celotape can’t fix!), they couldn’t. At least not for Saturday. So we’re gonna take it back when I get back from Italy.

Then I slept for a few hours, was exhausted. Had lunch around 2pm. Then… we went out to look at cars. Dad said he had no intention of actually buying a car, he just wanted to see which ones I likd etc. He was thinking of a 3-door car about 2-3 years old. We went to loads of garages to look around, and there were 2 cars I really like and couldn’t choose between. Liked them both equally. Then the salesman brought out another car which had the best bits of the other two and I fell in love with it.

So Dad bought it for me! I mean, damn! Was NOT expecting that!! It’s a gorgeous little car. A silver Vauxhall Corso, 5-doors, with airco, CD-player, information screen… I love it! I have a car!! I’ve called him Paulie . Since I’m going away on holiday on Saturday and then my parents are away, we’ve said that we won’t pick the car up until the 14th September, otherwise we’re paying tax for it when we won’t be using it.

How cool though?! I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt brat. I’m just so excited and in shock, can’t believe it! I’m jumping for joy right now. I have my own car!!!

Had been trying to get in touch with Chiara but have been having some difficulty… I needed to get in touch with her about Italy, cause she doesn’t have my flight details and is meant to be picking me up at the airport. Her mobile is switched off and she’s already left for Italy, so obviously no one is home to answer the home phone! Was panicking and wondering how on earth to get in touch with her. Eventually I texted Jules, her boyfriend. He conveyed the message to Chiara… didn’t realise he was in Italy with her. So he’s gonna be there while I’m there. I was kind of looking forward it just being Chiara and me… I don’t want to feel like a third wheel. But anyway, it’s all sorted now, thankfully, she’s def gonna pick me up at the airport!

Lisa was meant to come and stay at mine for a few days while my parents were away. Only she’s going to be on IVs then. She’s getting another chest infection. She’s on oral antibiotics at the minute, but the doctor doesn’t think they’ll help much, it’s just a precaution, to try and stop the infection from happening. They don’t think it will work though, and they’re getting ready to put her on IVs in two weeks time.

Am going to the doctor’s tomorrow. Aunt Flo has been here for 3 weeks now, that aint right! Something is definitely wrong, so am going to the docs in the afternoon. Am gonna ask if he can check me out for PCOS, as normally my periods are like like 6-7 months apart.

Was meant to have a thai massage today but the woman cancelled it. So rebooked it for the 4th. She’s cancelled that as well… So have rebooked it for the 11th. Hopefully that will be fine! Was originally meant to have it a couple of weeks ago. So hopefully in this case it’s 4th time lucky. Really need it for my back, as it’s acting up again.

Oh yeh, I was wondering, do you guys wanna see some pictures of Scotland on here? Just cause most of you that can read the FO entries are on facebook, in which case you’ve probably seen them. But if there’s some people that are on my FO list that aren’t on facebook that want to see them, just let me know!

V

Dear Diary,

Am back from Scotland – had a great time! It’s such a beautiful country, especially the highlands. The views just took my breath away. Gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Took some pictures, but they really don’t do it justice. Would highly recommend everyone to visit Scotland, if possible to drive there or rent a car and drive around Scotland. It really was fantastic.

We went to loads of places. Loch Lommon, Glencoe, Loch Leve, Falls of Foyer, Loch Ness, Culloden, Fort Augustus, Blair Castle, Queen’s View, Edinburgh and so many more. Can’t name them all! It really was great. We had no spare time at all, were SO busy, it was great!

Was a couple of bad things. Car sickness! Not good. Plus I think I ate something funny, as I had the runs for a couple of days. But that was it, for the rest it was great. Apart from when Dad got drunk and thinks he’s funny, making comments about my weight. Ha fucking ha.

But the rest it was great. And we went to the Edinburgh Military Tattoo – amazing! We’re going again next year, the three of us. Would def recommend you go and see that if you get the chance – book early though!

So yup, had a great time .

Mine and Dad’s ancestors are from Scotland – my Grandad (Dad’s dad – he died before I was born) was Scottish. Our surname is Scottish, there used to be a clan with out name, but it was only small and no longer exists in Scotland. My Great-Grandmother’s (my Dad’s dad’s mother) clan is still there though, so technically we belong to that clan as well. So we read up about it and got some things about our clan. Was fun! Scottish pride!

And Dad got me this gorgeous jewlerry set – necklace, bracelet & earrings. Absolutely stunning. I’ll have to take a picture for you guys. Wasn’t cheap either. I saw it in a shop window and jokingly asked Dad to buy it – and he said yes! I was stunned, was just kidding when I asked and did not expect him to say yes. So then I tried the necklace on and thought that was it, but then he asked which earrings I liked (there was a choice of three) so he got me those, and then the bracelet. Was gobsmacked. I love them though, they’re gorgeous and so different.

Am shattered though, the days were so busy and we did so much, feel like I could sleep for a week! Can’t lie in unfortunately, got driving lessons early tomorrow and on friday, then on Saturday I need to be at the airport for 6am…

Italy baby!!

V

Dear Diary,

Got the results: the mass isn’t cancerous. Wahey! But… they still aren’t sure about the bits of calcium in the mass. They need to do a bigger biopsy to make sure the calcium isn’t cancerous. They’re 95% sure it isn’t cancer, but they just need to make sure. So Mum needs to go to another hospital in the city next week as the one here doesn’t have the facilities, then she’ll get the results from that in September. More waiting… But that’s definitly good news, am so pleased! Now just need to wait for the other biopsy and results.

Thanks to everyone for their kind messages, and thanks OJ for the card, means a lot to me!!

Anyway, Dad and me are now off to Scotland, we’ll be back on Wednesday. Will have no internet connection for that week. So see ya’ll next week!

V

Dear Diary,

I didn’t go out clubbing last night with Ken. I just didn’t have the energy. I wasn’t in the mood for it. Instead I went home and spent some time with my parents.

The results are tomorrow. Please God, don’t let it be cancer.

It’s funny, even though I know there’s a possibility that it might be cancer and I am worried, I’m expecting it to be clear. Like, it hasn’t really sunk in that she could have cancer. It’s just not a possibility that she could have it, you know? Not my Mum. It has to come back clear. It just has to.

I think Dad feels the same way. We’re leaving to Scotland tomorrow. We’re convinced the results are going to come back clear. We just haven’t thought about what we’re going to do if they’re not. They just have to be clear.

Saw Lisa yesterday. Was nice seeing her. We had lunch, chatted and went to the movies. Saw ‘Make it happen’. Cheesy and predictable, but still good. A nice one if you want a feel good movie that you don’t really have to think about.

Lisa says she wants nothing more than marriage and kids. That’s her dream. Something the most of us take for granted. She reckons she’s only got about 5 or 6 years left. She doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend Stu a widow, and she doesn’t want to leave any child without a mum. She wants to set up home with Stu, but neither of them can afford it, and their parents don’t have any room in their houses for both of them to live. It’s just a horrible situation for the both of them, at the minute the only way Lisa can spend the night at Stu’s is when his mum goes to stay at her sister’s and Lisa and Stu sleep in her room. He lives in a 2 bedroom house, he shares his room with his brother who’s a jerk and refuses to spend the night at a friend’s house or his girlfriend’s house for one night a week so Lisa can stay over, he’s 30. Lisa lives in a box room at her parent’s house which is too small to sleep two, so Stu can’t spend the night at hers.

On the bright side, she’s gained 4lbs. Not much, but it’s a start. We’re also talking about going away somewhere for the weekend in November, maybe to the Netherlands. She can get travel insurance for places in Europe, so it should be fine. Though of course it all depends on her health, and whether she’s on IVs or not. She says she thinks she’ll have to start on another set of IVs soon as she’s having a lot of trouble with her lungs. The doctor says that basically she’s living off of one lung.

Stuart keeps trying to get in touch with me. We chatted on MSN and he was flirting with me. “Take your laptop to bed, then when you fall asleep, it will be like you’re sleeping next to me.” See, he says things like that which are so sweet… but he’s also hurt me a lot in the past. It’s not the first time he’s done that – he acts really sweet and then he just turns nasty and makes fun of me, acts cold and says hurtful things. While my self-esteem isn’t that good and I don’t think much of myself, I do know that I’m worth more than that. I think. Unless he’s as good as it gets for me?

My periods are all over the place. For ages I just didn’t have one. Now I’ve had one for 2 weeks. Urgh.

V

Dear Diary,

We think someone poisened one of my Nana’s cats, Pie. The same happened to her other cat, Pumpkin, about 5 months ago. This time, like last time, they were walking up and down the street calling for him. They walked up and down several times a day for 3 days with no luck. Then today they did it again, and there he was, lying dead in front of their neighbour’s house. Not a mark or a scratch on him. The exact same thing happened with Pumpkin. These neighbours have threatened to kill them because they don’t like cats. And Pumpkin and Pie were both so friendly and trusting, they would have gone up to anyone if they’d called them.

Nana didn’t take Pumpkin to the vet, but she did Pie. The vet said he’d been dead for 2 days when they found him. So someone killed him and then put him in front of the house. The vet’s going to do an autopsy on him, and if he has been poisoned – which the vet thinks as well – then the police will be involved. It’s illegal to poisen animals here and whoever did it will be. Poor Pie & Pumpkin. It’s sickening and disgusting. How can someone do that to loving, helpless, caring animals? It makes me sick.

Yesterday was my Dad’s birthday party. It was a good day. We all had a laugh and joke around. And my cousin Sarah said that if I need to talk about what’s going on with Mum, then I shouldn’t hesitate to call her. Just what I needed to hear. Sarah, Pam and me were trying to plan out trip to Amsterdam, but it’s more costly than we thought, Sarah and me can afford it but Pam can’t, so instead we’re looking at maybe visiting York instead.

Then today was Dad’s actual birthday. 61! Mum and me gave him his presents (I got him a tiffany owl lamp, Mum got him a weekend away at this gorgeous hotel). Then for the rest of the day we went out. We went to this place called High Force which is a waterfall. It’s really pretty. We saw a robin! Then we went for lunch at this place called Bowes Museum for lunch. We wanted to look around the museum but didn’t really have time (took us a long time to get there!) so we’re gonna go back another time. Then we went to the ruins of Barnard Castle, which was fun.

Was a good day today.

Can see why you have to force yourself to do something. I’m still not exactly feeling great, am by far not happy, still pretty depressed, but feel better after doing something, rather than just staying home.

Mum and me also had a talk, about both our fears for the results on Thursday. I feel like a fraud though – we don’t know if it’s cancer, so surely I have no right to feel like this?

Am about to go out for dinner to a local restaurant with my folks. Then tomorrow I have a 2 hour driving lesson, then am going in to the city to meet up with Lisa for lunch and a movie, then am going to the house to meet up with Ken and we’ll go clubbing, then on Wednesday I’ve got to meet up the estate agent’s to sign the contract for the house.

V

Dear Diary,

Somehow I’ve managed to hurt my back. I think I pulled something. I can’t bend down, there’s a pain between my shoulder blades going up to my side. I’ve been trying to help out as much as I can. Dad thinks I’m putting it on… I’m really not, and am trying my best to not make a big deal about it, especially since what my Mum’s going through. I feel awful and am trying to minimise it as much as possible, but it really hurts!

When we told Mum we’re staying here until Thursday, she got up, hugged me and said ‘thank you’. If I ever doubted we made the wrong decision before, well, that just proved we’re doing the right thing. The week is gonna go by so slowly though… It feels like it should be Thursday already. It’s going to be a long week.

Keep thinking about all the possibilities. I’m just praying it’s not cancer. It can’t be cancer. Not my Mum. I just can’t wait for this week to be over.

I want to talk about it with someone, you know? I mean, hopefully it’s nothing, but I’m worried. I want to talk it over with someone. Maybe have a little cry. I’m being strong for Mum – whatever I’m going through, it must be a million times worse for her. Have tried to get in touch with Chiara and Lisa, but neither have replied.

Was having horrible dreams last night – kept seeing the chicks I’d gutted. It was disgusting. I feel sick thinking about it.

V