Dear Diary,

It was strange sleeping at home last night. My room hadn’t been touched, was the only normal one in the house. It was nice sleeping there one last time. I was a bit tearful, knowing it was the last time I would ever sleep there. Then today I was tearful again when the packers had left and I walked in to my room and everything had been packed. I sat down on the floor and cried a bit.

Went to the town hall this morning to de-registar. So techincally I’m not a Belgian resident anymore. That’s so strange. I’ve been a Belgian resident almost my whole life. Am feeling very emotional at the minute.

We took Snoopy to the vet’s. She had to go to the vet’s after 24 hours but before 48 hours before we leave, to get a last minute check up and injections etc. Just because England is very strict with quarentine for animals. Luckily she doesn’t have to go in to quarentine because she’s from Europe and she’s had all the stuff done at the vet’s. Jurgen said she’s doing brilliantly health wise, so am thrilled. Gave Jurgen a box of chocolates to thank him for everything he’s done (he’s really gone above and beyond the call of duty with Snoopy). He also asked for our address and said he wants to visit us in England. We’re definitly gonna try and keep in touch with him.

The rest of the time I spent in the empty spare room with Snoopy. She’s very stressed at the minute and is pretty scared and clingy, bless her. It was uncomfortable being in the room with her, just cause there was no furniture – no cushions or blankets or anything. So I borrowed some blankets from Marcella and sat on the floor with Snoopy, just to keep an eye on her and keep her company.

My Dad told me I was fat and need to lose weight ASAP. And people wonder why I have issues about my weight and low self esteem? My Dad is very quick to point out any flaws in me – my weight, my clothes, my make up, my hair etc. But doesn’t compliment often. He thinks he’s helping by saying all of those things. No matte how often Mum and me tell him that he’s not helping, he always thinks he is. Other than that, we get on great. I just can’t stand the constant criticism. I always feel like he’s dissapointed in me and wishes he had a different child.

Tomorrow is our last day in Belgium. Marlies is coming round and we’re gonna relax by the pool (if weather permits) and in the evening Marlene & Chris are cooking us a typical Belgian meal.

God I’m going to miss this place!

Have you heard the news from Austria? A 74 year old man kept his daughter prisoner in his basement for 24 years. He’d been working on the basement for years, and it had 4 rooms, including a bathroom and toilet, and also a TV. He raped her repeatedly and they had 7 children together. Appalling. If anyone’s interested, here is the article.

V

Dear Diary,

I do have internet! I’m at Marlene’s at the minute and they have wireless internet, yay . I’m going back to the house tonight, because my room still hasn’t been touched, I still have a bed. It will be nicer for Snoopy if I stayed the night there with her, this way she only has to spend 2 nights alone in the house. So tonight will be the last night sleeping in my house, ever…

There’s boxes everywhere. Almost everything has been packed now. I hate it. It’s not really feeling like home anymore. But at the same time it is. It’s really weird to explain. Part of me is looking forward to moving to England, but a bigger part of me wants to stay here.

Had my appointment at the nail sallon today. Love them! I’m a terrible nail biter and don’t have long nails. I’ve only had long nails a few times in my life when I managed to stop biting for a couple of weeks, but mostly I have short nails. So now I have long nails, and I have to say, I love them! Though I didn’t know my nails would hurt & bleed when she did them, that wasn’t so fun. But the results are amazing. I’ll take a picture and put it on here. Though I have to say, it is taking some getting used to, especially typing and picking up things!

Also went to lunch next door with Marcella, Vanessa, Machtled & Annelies. Machteld and Vanessa are both pregnant. It’s really funny, Machteld is due on the 16th November and Vanessa is due on the 17th November. Vanessa and her husband David were trying for a baby, Machteld and her boyfriend Jurgen (not the same Jurgen as Snoopy’s vet!) weren’t trying, but are thrilled.

It was a fun lunch. We had a laugh and were joking about. At the end we shed a few tears. Annelies was sobbing her heart out. It was so hard saying goodbye to them. Annelies also made this lovely booklet with pictures and quotes, was really touching.

We’ve been neighbours for 19 years now and are good friends.

I’m just not ready to leave…

V

Dear Diary,

I’m on a very short fuse at the minute. Am really stressed and keep snapping at my parents. I really don’t want to move, but have no choice. I’m trying not to snap and always apologise straight afterwards. Mum’s the same way. Poor Dad!

Keep having weird dreams as well. Obviously because of the move. Last night I dreamt that I was in highschool with John Barrowman & Obama, John and me were best friends and he hated Obama, and Obama and me were flirting and John hated it and kept giving me the evils. Then Obama turned in to Stuart and we starting doing stuff, but unbeknownst to me Stuart had been taking pictures and then posted them on facebook, but took them off when I asked him to. Then Ashley (he’s a guy that was in the year below me in school, didn’t really know him very well, he was the boyfriend of one of my friends) and me started talking and we hit it off and we started a relationship.

It was a very weird dream. And the people in it! Okay, I’m a fan of John Barrowman. But I’m not following the US elections and don’t really know anything about Obama, I don’t like or dislike him. Stuart I don’t like. And Ashley I haven’t thought about since I left highschool 2 1/2 years ago. Very odd.

So of course I added him on facebook, lol!

Went out to dinner tonight with my parents, Anna, Jacquis and their daughter Debra. I hadn’t seen Debra since she was about 6 or 7 years old, she’s now 15. Blimey she’s changed! Jail bait or what! She looks about 19 or something. I always used to call her baby Debra, just cause she’s the youngest of the family. She sure as hell isn’t a baby anymore! Was a shock seeing her. We had a laugh though.

More news on travelling in the summer. I’m definately going to Ireland and Scotland, and most likely Italy, Isle of Man & Kos. Chiara says her family are definitly going to Italy, they just need to pick the dates. As soon as she knows when they’re going, she’s gonna tell me and I can book my flights as well. Mum and me are looking in to going to the Isle of Man for a weekend, we haven’t really had a chance to look in to it much because everything is so hectic at the minute, but once we’re settled in the new house we’ll probably book something. And my parents really want to go to Kos for a week, so they’re going to book that once they’re settled, and I get to go along as well. Yay!

Tonight is the last night sleeping in my house… Tomorrow night we’re staying at Marlene’s. Not sure if they have wireless internet or not so you may not hear from me for a week or so. We leave on Thursday (12 hour drive to our new house, urgh!).

Just can’t believe the move is almost here.

V

Dear Diary,

Mum and me got a bit tearful today. We were just walking around the house and seeing all the cupboards empty, all the pictures taken down, all the photos gone, no more ornaments, most of the furniture packed etc. Home isn’t home anymore. I don’t like it! The only 2 rooms that haven’t been touched by the packers yet are my parent’s room & my room. I really don’t like it. Dad can’t wait to move, he wants to go back to England, for him England has always been home. For Mum & me, Belgium is home. We’ve lived here for 19 years, I moved here when I was 1. It’s all I’ve ever known. And Mum has never lived anywhere else as long as she’s lived her (she’s an army brat).

It’s just weird. Am feeling very unsettled. Probably why I keep having weird dreams & nightmares.

Went to Dad’s work today for his retirement lunch. His main retirement party was in Russia and loads of people went to that (Mum and me weren’t invited!), but this one was just a small one for his close work collegues, and Mum & me were invited. Was really good fun.

I spent most of the time talking to this guy, Jos, who used to be my Dad’s boss. We were talking about the politics in Zimbabwe, the current Prime Minister of England, Scottish history etc. Was really interesting talking to him. Also talked to this guy called Paul about going to South Africa. Dpitt has invited me to visit him and he’d show me around the place, so am saving up to go there next year. Paul’s been there a lot, so he was telling me about it.

At one point everyone was talking about the different types of temperature (fahrenheit & celsius) and Jean-Pierre (he’s now retired and lives in France, but came back for Dad’s lunch) said that in America people use fahrenheit, but the instructions on clothes are in celsius. Don, who’s American, didn’t believe him and everyone was laughing. Then Jos and a couple of other people had a look at his shirt to see who was right, it was really funny. And Jean-Pierre was right.

Had a good time.

Although Shereen, the woman who likes Dad, was glaring at my Mum the whole time. She was really giving her evil looks. She also gave me a couple of evil stares. She’s completely hung up on Dad.

It’s really hard at the minute to eat healthy, cause we can’t cook in the house because the packers have put all the boxes in front of the oven & microwave. So we’re gonna be having take away every night. Not exactly the healthiest of things. So I went to the shops and bought a load of fruit and veg and am basically gonna live on that for the weekend. On Monday evening we’re gonna be staying at a friend’s house cause the packers will be packing our beds and stuff.

Haven’t heard anything from Lisa. Am really worried about her. It’s really hard knowing she’s going through a rough time and knowing she’s scared and hurting, and not being able to do anything.

Snoopy’s really nervous and clingy at the minute, bless her.

V

Dear Diary,

Another disturbed night’s sleep last night. Am so wrecked. It’s probably the stress from the move. It’s no secret that I don’t want to move, that I want to stay in Belgium.

The packers are in now. I’m in my room with my laptop, they’re in the lounge. It’s so weird. They’re taking apart my home, taking everything away. I don’t like it. Just feel like shouting ‘get out of my house!‘. I feel like a stranger in my own home.

I caught a chill while working yesterday, got a bit of a temperature today. Hope it passes soon, don’t need to be ill with everything going on.

It’s my Dad’s retirement party at work tomorrow lunch time, so will be going to that. Mum’s going as well. There’s this woman at Dad’s work that Mum hates. This woman has made no secret about the fact that she likes Dad and wants to be with him. Dad thinks Mum’s crazy, that she’s just being friendly. Typical guy response.

Am having an ugly day today. I just don’t see how any guy, or girl, could find me attractive.

Still no results from the elections in Zimbabwe. Except now the the President Mugabe is ordering a bunch of weapons to be sent to the current government, so he can keep control of the country. People are rising up and demanding the results, but he’s not backing down and 10 people have already died.

If you guys could just sign this petition that would be great, thanks!

V

Dear Diary,

I found out why Lisa’s been upset and down. A friend of hers died 8 days ago. He was only 21, the same age Lynsey is. She knew him from when she was a little kid, they were on the same ward together at the hospital.

I just feel so useless. What can I do or say? I have no idea what she’s going through. And it must be so hard for her – 2 of her friends died in 2 months time, both of the same illness that she has. She must look at them and think of her future. She sees how quickly things went downhill for them, only a couple of weeks. It must make her think about her life and how long she has left. What on earth can I say to offer comfort?

She’s withdrawing in to herself, which is totally understandable. If something happened to one of my friends I wouldn’t want to talk about it to anyone, especially people that don’t really understand.

Just feel so useless. She’s my best friend at uni and I hate what she’s going through, wish I could take her pain away. It’s also brought it back for me – obviously I know she’s got Cystic Fibrosis, but she’s just Lisa as well, so most of the her CF doesn’t even come in to the picture. Some days she’s worse health wise, others she’s better, but her CF is not usually at the front of my mind. I guess it wasn’t in hers either, just something she’s always had and always will have and that she kind of not thinks about. But losing two of her friends in the space of 2 months, that’s got to bring it home and make her think. It’s just so hard.

She got her results back from the hospital – she doesn’t have cancer, thank God. Now they just need to figure out what’s wrong with her.

Been a busy day today. My parents got back home around 1pm and we’ve been filling the car with rubbish and made several journeys to the top. It’s now 6.30pm and we’ve just finished. It wasn’t long work, only about 5 1/2 hours, but it was hard work!

Keep having horrible nightmares and am not sleeping well at all. Keep dreaming that my parents die in a car crash, that Chiara dies from cancer and that Lisa dies from her CF. Sometimes everyone around me dies, but mostly it’s my parents, Chiara & Lisa. It’s horrible and it’s leaving me exhausted during the day cause I keep waking up.

This is what my dream book says about it (note, it’s long and you don’t have to read it!):

Death is the ultimate metamorphis, the passage from one state of being to another. In the taro, the Death card means transformation, a major change that hirls you from one way of life to another. In a dream, death is usually a symbol for the same thing.

Only rarely do death dreams portend actual physical death. Many times, dreams about death are simply metaphors for major changes happening in life. These sorts of dreams might be symbolic of your relationships, work, or aspects of your personality. When you have such a drea, you need to consider whether an area of your life is undergoing transformation. In this sense, death dreams are not so much about death – they’re more about the rebirth that comes rom moving from one, old stage of live, to another stage, as you progress to a new level.

A death or near-death dream involving a living relative or friend, like most death dreams, might be pointing to a majro upheavel in that person’s life. In that case, the dream acts as a conduit of information.

I guess that makes sense, with the move and my parents being stressed, everything that’s going on with Lisa & Chiara.

V

Dear Diary,

Am feeling better today. Not exactly happy, but not down either. So that’s good. Have been doing some exercise. I didn’t really feel like doing it, but once I started I enjoyed it. I’m determined to get this weight off – and do it the right way. Yeh, I’ve had some bad days of binging, but I’m not gonna give up. I can do this, I know I can.

Am worried about Lisa. She says she’s got a lot of stuff on her mind, but doesn’t want to talk about it. When I called her she seemed down and her emails are really short. Am really worried about her, don’t know what to do.

Spoke to Dpitt yesterday. Was nice talking to him. Really miss him.

We’re moving to England in just over a week. Don’t know how I feel about that. At the minute it doesn’t seem real yet. I mean, I know we’re moving, but it’s like I don’t think it’s gonna happen, you know? It’s going to be strange leaving Belgium. It’s my home. Can’t imagine not living here. So strange.

I wish I could have taken a year out of uni. I don’t think a few months is enough for me to get better. But like I said to Jade, I’m not strong enough to do that. My parents are dead-set against me taking a gap year. I’m not strong enough to go against them like that. And it’s harder getting to know people in the 2nd year of uni, at least this year I’ll know a few people, but if I took a year out I wouldn’t know anyone. I’m just not strong enough. I know they say that the hardest decisions are usually the right ones, but I’m just not strong enough to make it.

V