Dear Diary,

I’m very tired right now. It’s almost 3am. Am wrecked. Have stayed up late to write a review – part of the deferred work for uni. For some reason I always seem to work better at night. Less distractions I guess. Not very good though, as I’m on a completely different time schedule as everyone else. Have a lot of deferred work to do for uni. 2 essays, 1 review and 17 online tests. A lot of work.

Have just finished the review. Will proof read it tomorrow, but think I’m done. Yay. Now I just have 19 more pieces of work to do, all due in on or before 20th August. Wish me luck!

Have a busy social life planned this week aswell. I go by the motto ‘work hard, play hard’. I will get my work done, but I will not become a recluse in doing so.

Went to the movies today (actually, yesterday, since it’s now tuesday). So, went to the movies yesterday with CP-Satt. There was absolutely no chemistry there, which was a shock. People change I guess. Was still nice seeing him though. He’s got hair! He used to be bald, but he’s got curly hair now. That was a shock! But yeh, it was nice seeing him. We saw Harry Potter.

Am going to the movies tomorrow with my Mum to watch Vacancy, and then again in the evening with Tom to watch I’m Not Your Woman. Am not doing anything on wednesday except work. Am hoping to get the first draft of one of my essays done. On Thursday I’m going to the movies with Emma, Tom and maybe Linda & her friend, we’re gonna see The Simpsons Movie. And on friday I’m meeting Issy in Brussels, she says she has something to tell me.

To be honest, I’m slightly hurt that she hasn’t told me she’s pregnant yet. I thought we were close. She’s told Tom and she’s told all of her uni friends, but she couldn’t tell me or any of the rest of us. Slightly hurtful. I know it’s wrong to feel like that, but I can’t help it. She’s meant to be one of my closest friends. Doesn’t she know that I – we – will support her no matter what? Oh well.

Watched Ali G In Da House tonight on TV. It’s hilarious! First time I’ve seen it. Think it’s British humour though. Funny. Much better than Borat.

I’m not thinking about weight right now. I need to sort my head out and figure out what I want. Or rather, I need to figure out who is stronger – Ana, Mia or me. So we’ll see. Am still figuring it out.

V

Dear Diary,

That’s what my Dad asked me about 10 minutes ago. “When are you starting your diet?”. We had a nice family meal, talking this and that. He asks me to pour him a glass of wine, I do, and then he asks me that. My Mum says “Frank! What gives you the right to ask that?” He just shurgs and says “Well, she was looking so thin!”.

I make my excuses and leave. I go to my room and burst into tears. Damn it! Why does this always happen? Every time I start to think ‘maybe weight isn’t the be all and end all, maybe there’s more to life than losing weight and being thin, maybe I can accept myself and be happy with myself, even if I am overweight’. Everytime I start to think that, someone – usually someone who’s opinion I value – says something to make me think otherwise.

This time it was my Dad.

Yes, I have put on weight. At first I hated it and fought it. I ate practically nothing and exercised like crazy, yet still gained weight like crazy. So I gave up. Started to eat normal again. Sure, I wasn’t very happy with my weight, but it no longer plagued my mind like it used to. I’m at my heaviest now – it’s been a long time since I’ve been this fat. But I started to accept it more. I stopped gaining weight and am now at a steady. Fat, but not getting any fatter. I had almost resigned myself, was going to focus on other things.

Until my Dad said that.

So I was crying in my room. Mum came in and told me she had told Dad off. I told her it didn’t matter, that I know he’s ashamed of me, she started to protest, but I interrupted. I told her I know he loves me, but that’s ashamed of me and embarassed to be seen around me. She tried to argue with me, but I stopped her. It’s obvious for everyone to see, I just didn’t want to see it. But it’s true.

I heard Mum then go back to Dad and tell him “she thinks you’re ashamed of her”. Didn’t hear him say anything. He didn’t deny it.

Then Dad came into my room, he hugged me, asked me what’s wrong. I said “what do you think”. He said “I think I’ve upset you”. I said yes. He then said “Well all you need to do is stop eating chocolate”. I made a strangled noise at this. He said “it’s true, you want to stop eating chocolate, don’t you?” I didn’t say anything. He repeated it. So I just said yes. He said “what?” So I said yes again. Then he said “Say it out loud, or write it down. Go on, say it.” So I did. Then he said “There’s a good girl, you’ll be happier once you lose weight”.

He thinks he’s made me feel better. He just made me feel worse. I didn’t want to lose weight. He wants me to lose weight.

I keep starting to feel okay about myself, but something, someone, keeps pulling me back. Society doesn’t accept fat people. My Dad doesn’t accept fat people.

So fine. He wants me to lose weight, I’ll lose weight. He doesn’t want me to be fat, I won’t be fat.

I am now more determined than ever to be thin. To be so thin you’ll be able to see right through my skin.

I will be thin. I will be dead thin.

V

Dear Diary,

Am back in Belgium now, have just arrived. It’s nice to be back and it’s great seeing Snoopy again, missed my little girl. But… I wasn’t homesick. Was having a great time decorating and making our flat ‘homey’. It really does feel like home.

Haven’t taken any pictures of it, will do that once all the furniture and stuff has arrived. But it’s really nice. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, lounge & kitchen. Perfect! There’s no furniture at the minute though. My room is 1/2 full with boxes – have so much stuff! Don’t know where it all came from. Whereas Lynsey’s room only had 4 boxes. Then again, she’s a minimalist, and I like clutter. We’ve compromised on the lounge, lol. Got some picture frames and some decorations and will be getting some paintings to hang up, but that’s about it.

Am very proud of myself – I hammered in picture hooks all by myself. Not exactly hard to do, I know, but am such a klutz and not at all into DIY, so hammering in picture hooks is a pretty big thing for me. Sad huh? Lol!!

The furniture that I’ve got for my room is really nice. Have pine wardrobe, chest of drawers & bedside table and Lynsey’s giving me her double bed. Also have a TV given to me by my cousin Pamela. My bedroom will be decorated in creams, whites & dark red. The lounge will be browns & creams. It’s very fun decorating!

It’s been a very busy few days though, it’s been crazy. It’s also been very annoying, since the cable to my laptop stopped working and I had no way to charge the battery. I managed to charge it enough by holding it at a funny angle (which hurt my arm holding it for that long) so that I could finish my presentation and write a quick entry in here. Can write a longer entry now.

So, on Saturday it was the wedding. Was a lovely day & night. Catherine really was glowing.

On Sunday we went to my flat and moved all of my stuff into the flat. Also stopped by Pamela’s to get the TV, DVD & VCR player. Then my parents and me went shopping for some new shoes for Dad, didn’t find any he liked though. Mum and Dad had a small arguement. That was awkward. They seem to be doing that more often. Hmmm. It’s very awkward for me, I never know what to do. I think it’s just that Dad is now spending more time at home (he used to only be home on the weekend, he was always in other countries during the week for work) and they’re getting used to each other again.

On Monday Lisa, Mum, Dad & me went shopping for some furniture for the flat. Dad & me also went to Cherrell’s house to get her old TV. We got lost on the way, but eventually found her house. Then we met up with Mum & Lisa again – they’d bought some more stuff for the house – bookcase, bathroom stand and some shelves to put in the shower to hold our shampoo and stuff.

Monday was the first night we stayed in the flat. Was very exciting! Felt kind of bad that I didn’t go out with my Dad & his family to celebrate his birthday. But Dad said he honestly didn’t mind, seeing as how his birthday is on 11th August. This celebration with his family was just to make his family feel better and get rid of the guilt they’re feeling for not coming to his actual birthday.

Monday night, after we came back from the movies (we watched Die Hard 4), Lisa & me scared ourselves silly with the anonymous letter delivered to us. It was a copy of an article that had appeared in the local newspaper, saying how a man was being charged with attempted murder and GBH – two seperate occasions. We, of course, thought the worst. We were thinking it was a threat to us. Or a threat to the person that lived her before us. Maybe we were being watched. Then we thought maybe it’s a warning. We didn’t really know what to think. Needless to say, we didn’t get much sleep that night!

Then the next morning we saw that it said on our building ‘protected by A**** S**** Security’. A**** S**** was the name in the newspaper of the man that was being accused of attempted murder and GBH. Great…

So when my parents came over to pick us up the first thing we did was by a chain to put on the door. There’s no peephole in the door, so we don’t know who it is when someone knocks on our door. This way we’ll be able to open the door slightly and see who’s outside, without them being able to come in. And even if they have a key (that’s another thing – one of the keys to our flat is missing, so we had to get another one cut. Not allowed to change the locks.) they can’t get in.

We also went shopping for more furniture. Bought my bedroom furniture & a three-seat sofa. Also got my duvet & pillow cover. They’ll be delivered in 8 weeks. We also did some grocerie shopping. Got back to the flat and Dad put together the bookcase. Couldn’t really put much on it though because we didn’t have a screwdriver to screw it to the wall.

Wednesday Lisa and me were shopping all day for the little bits and bobs for our kitchen & bathroom. My foot started to hurt and has been hurting all the time since then. Odd. In the evening Lisa and me put music on and drank martini. Was fun

Thursday morning I was sick as a dog with nerves because of my presentation. Was awful. Also developed a nasty rash. Walked to the campus and did my presentation in front of Daniel. Was stuttering like crazy. I was so embarassed. But I got an alright mark – 2.1. Afterwards Cherrell picked us up and we stayed with her for a couple of hours and chatted. Was fun. Then we went to the bank to sort out a standing order to pay the rent every month, and to the university to get a letter to exempt us from paying council tax because we’re students.

Thursday night Lisa went out with Andy & I stayed in. Was really nice having the place to myself for a bit. Watched a DVD – Premonition, and read my book – ‘The Fiery Cross’ by Diana Gabaldon. Listened to some music and relaxed, finishing the martini and just chilling. Was really nice.

Went to bed at 3am. Woke up in the morning and Lisa’s bed hadn’t been slept in. Panic set in. Then saw her passed out on the floor in the hall. Lol! Passed out from too much alcohol… But she had a good time. So that’s cool.

Found out the whole story with this A*** S**** guy. Turns out he’s the local gangster. The cops normally let him do whatever he wants because they know they can’t touch him. What happened with the murder charge goes as follows. A**** was driving around town when he noticed he was being followed. He stopped and they talked. The guy that followed him was threatning him. So A**** went back to his car, got out the ax that was under his car seat and chopped the guy’s arm off. Nice huh? So he was charged with attempted murder. He wasn’t convicted though, he got off.

I actually feel pretty safe now. That’s no joke. Because he’s an untouchable gangster, no one will do anything to the building that he’s protecting, because if they do it would be like a personal insult to him. So that’s alright. Don’t know what this A**** looks like, but apparently he’s well known and fair, so long as you don’t cross him. Which neither Lisa and me won’t. So that’s the story.

Oh, and I also got chatted up twice today. Once by a truck driver when we were out shopping, and then on the way back to Belgium by the guy that checks the passports. Lol. I don’t get it. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been, why on earth am I being chatted up?? Seriously, those guys must need their eyes checked. Or I’m their good deed for the day.

Got another email from the local deaf center. The BSL course will run in September and will probably cost about 45 pounds for a 10 week course. It’s also hearing friendly, which is good, seeing as I’m not technically hearing impaired, but probably will be in a couple years time.

Also got in touch with my cousin – hadn’t spoken to him in about 10 years! Saw him on facebook and got in touch with him via that. Pretty cool.

Dpitt also called me last friday. Was so nice talking to him. Really miss him. Things are pretty tough in Zimbabwe. Really miss him, and am praying that he’s alright.

V

Dear Diary,
It’s been a very tiring couple of days. Things have been so hectic. We arrived in England late on Friday night and had to get up early on Saturday morning for my cousin Catherine’s wedding.

It was a nice wedding. The actual wedding ceremony was very short, about 20 minutes. She had on a beautiful dress – she looked absolutely stunning, and you could tell she was extremely happy, she was glowing. She really did look beautiful. David looked very nervous, but also very happy.

After the ceremony we went outside for pictures, then there was a couple of hours break to mingle, and then came the speeches. Poor David was so nervous – he’s very shy and hardly ever talks. You could tell he didn’t like to talk, he was very quiet, but he managed. The best man’s speech was very rude. Catherine’s parents were not impressed. It was more like the kind of speech you’d give at the stag night.

The food was really nice. Then there was another break, I had a little power nap – was completely exhausted. Changed my outift and got ready for the evening party. Was feeling very insecure about myself and didn’t dance much, but it was fun. Was a very tiring night though, but fun.

The rest of the time we’ve been sorting out the flat. A lot needs doing! Never realised how much work it is moving into a place! Don’t have much in the way of furniture, but everything’s on order & will arrive in September. At the minute Lisa & I are sleeping on blow-up beds in the lounge.

It’s a great flat though – absolutely love it, and the view is amazing! Can really see this being ‘home’. It’s good as well that Lisa and me have similar taste decoration wise.

Our first night sleeping the flat was rather eventful though! We scared ourselves silly! There’s loads of mail that belongs to the previous occupant, form the looks of it it’s all bills, several of them seem to be in debt. We didn’t open the letters, but did hold them up to the light to have a peak. Bad I know.

There was also a letter with no name on it, it was just addressed to this flat. We opened it, and a newspaper clipping fell out about a guy accused of murder. Of course we started thinking about the worst case scenarious – it’s a threat to us, someone thinks that someone else lives here and they’re sending that person a threat. Oh no! What if the house is being watched? Etc etc. Didn’t sleep much that night at all. Lol!

It turns out though, that the guy accused of murder is the guy that was in charge of the security for this building. So we think now that it’s just a warning that was sent out to all of the tenants. We did buy a chain for the front door though, just in case.

But it is great living here, love it. Can really see this being home. Especially when all the furniture arrives. Will take some pictures of it tomorrow and post them on here.

V

Dear Diary,

I’m filled with disgust towards myself. How did I stoop so low? How did I ever get this desperate? When did I start hating myself this much? I used to be happy, my weight didn’t used to bother me. Yes, I was overweight, but I really didn’t care. I used to be so confident. What happened? When did my body image & weight start to rule my life? When did I stop existing, becoming only the number on the scales?

I don’t want to be this person. I just don’t know how to change it.

I was making myself sick. Violently sick, until nothing but blood and bile came up. I hate making myself sick. But I can’t stop myself. I normally always avoid the mirror that is above the sink. But I caught a glimpse of myself when I was done. I did not like what I saw.

Tears were running down my face. My eyes were bloodshot and red. My nose was running, snot running down my face. Blood, sick and bile were running from my mouth down on my chin. When did I become that person?

I don’t want to be that person. I want to not care about my weight. I want my confidence back. I want to be me again, the real me. I want my life back. How do I get my life back?

Went to the hairdressers today. Had my hair cut so it’s framing my face slightly. Had it coloured again as well, dark brown, as always. Bought some products to feed & protect my hair. Got a freebie scarf with it, it’s a pretty scarf.

Going to the movies tonight with Marlies. We’re most likely going to see Ocean’s 13.

My presentation is annoying me. I present it next thursday. Am nervous, but want to get it out of the way. It’s interesting though, about spatial neglect. I do love my course, it really interests me.

Going to England on friday, my cousin’s wedding is on saturday. Moving into my apartment on sunday. Looking forward to that. Looking forward to seeing Lisa again.

Got a text from Dpitt today. I do miss that man, my brother. He says he’s gonna try and call on friday. Looking forward to that!

Am busy looking for a BSL (British Sign Language) course that I can start in September. My hearing is really bothering me, think it’s gotten worse since I had it tested a couple of months back, which is very likely. The doc said he thinks my hearing will keep going down hill. Great…

So I want to learn BSL now. If my hearing doesn’t get any worse, then it’s still a good thing to know. If it does get worse, then at least I can communicate with people. If nothing else, it’s a good thing to have on your CV. So am busy looking for that.

V

Dear Diary,

It’s just one of those days today. Seem to have a lot of them lately. *Sigh*. No idea why. But everything just seems to be going wrong today. Just little, unimportant things. But they just keep building up.

And to answer your questions; yes, I do want my periods to stop. But I am no way near the weight for periods to stop, I’m still far too heavy for that to happen. I’m having major PMS symptons today as well. Very strange. 2 months now that I haven’t had a period. And my body is definitly does not think it’s starving. There’s enough disgusting fat on my body for it not to starve. Unfortunately.

Went to the vet’s today. Jurgen was very talkative, we had an hour long conversation, was really nice. He was telling me all about his family and especially his brother, whom he doesn’t get along with. He was asking how my exams went, what my plans are etc. Was a really nice chat.

I accidently on purpose left my phone at the vet’s so I had to go back. Works in theory. Not so much in reality. Jurgen had already left by the time I went back, it was the other vet, David, that gave me back my phone. Bugger! That plan backfired. Although I did get Jurgen’s mobile number when he called my Mum’s mobile (the number stored in Snoopy’s files) to tell me I ‘forgot’ my phone, hehe.

He gave her an Xray to check her heart and lungs. She seems to be doing a lot better. There’s no more fluid on her lungs, and her vein is now the same size as her artery (the vein should be smaller than the artery, but hers used to be bigger). Now it’s the same size. It’s not great news, but it’s okay.

He also took some blood to do a test. He said her hair turning brown could be anything from a lack of vitamins to too much estrogen, to liver problems to a tumor on her thyroid gland. We get some results tomorrown night and some thursday night. Fingers crossed it’s just the vitamins.

Mum and me had an arguement today. Both of us are getting on each other’s nerves. We’ve made up now though.

Got the work I need to do over the summer. There’s a reasonable amount. Want to get it done as soon as possible so I can enoy the rest of the holiday. Had to call up Daniel (one of my lecturers) to arrange for when my presentation is going to be – next week thursday.

Have borrowed a bunch of DVD’s from Tom. Am loving them .

V

Dear Diary,

This is crazy. I’m gaining weight like anything. I don’t understand what’s going wrong. I mean, I know almost all there is to know about losing weight. I know Ana & I know Mia. I’m exercising, drinking 3 litres of cold water with lemon in it a day, having cold showers. I’m mixing up my calories (one day I have 200, the next 400, the next 800, the next 400, the next 200 etc) so that my body doesn’t think it’s being starved. I don’t get what’s going wrong.

Not to mention I haven’t had a period in a couple of months. That’s not right. I’m getting period like symptons (tender breasts, mood swings, cramp) but no actual period. I’m so confused. Hell, if I wasn’t a virgin I’d be thinking I was pregnant.

I’m very confused. Any ideas anyone??

So Ana is working for me right now. I’m gonna try some Mia now. Everything I’ve eaten today I’ve thrown up, to the point where nothing except bile and blood came up.

On to another subject. Snoopy has an appointment at the vet’s on Monday. She’s a black & white cat, only her black fur is starting to go brown. I mentioned this to Issy and she said the same thing happened to her cat – it’s a sign of liver failure. So I called the vet and he said it could be one of two things, either liver failure or a hormornal imbalance. So she needs a blood test to see which one it is. Fingers crossed it’s a hormornal imbalance – that’s easy to fix.

V

Dear Diary,

The Murder Mystery party last night was so much fun! We were laughing all evening, was hilarious. Tom was being a bit of a jerk all evening, but we mainly ignored him. He was finding fault in almost everything – my beard looks like sausages stuck together, I should have put knives out (we were having spaghetti, because everyone knows you eat spaghetti with a knife & fork, I mean, come on!). Stuff like that.

He also made a nasty comment about babies – about how awful they are, they’re useless etc. How nasty is that? I felt so sorry for Issy.

But anyway. The evening was a success and everyone said they had a great time. Had a hilarious time. Especially since Linda played two characters because Kylie cancelled last minute. Very funny when she had to have an arguement with herself! Turned out that Paul was the killer, hehe.

There was also some flirting going on between Paul and me – Linda noticed. Oops… Lol.

Two days ago Mum and me ordered some groceries online and sent them to Dpitt and his family. It’s a website called ZimBuyer.com. It’s situated in South Africa, and you can go on there and order different things for friends & family in Zimbabwe, and they get delivered to their house. We wanted it to be anonymous, because we didn’t do it so that he would thank us, just wanted to help.

My Mum got an unexpected call this morning – from Dpitt! He called to say thanks, guess he figured out it was from us. Wish I had been awake when he called, but I was asleep. But he told Mum he was gonna try and call me at the end of the week, if he can get enough money together to call.

I really miss him. He really was like my big brother. There’s no sexual feelings between us at all, he’s just really my brother, you know? And I miss him so much and worry about him so much.

Things in Zimbabwe are just so bad, and I worry about him and miss him.

Had a really weird dream last night. It’s the second time recently I’ve had this dream. It’s diconcerting. I dreamt I was drugged and raped. Not a very nice dream at all. Anyone out there know what dreams mean?

V