Dear Diary,

Am so angry with my Nana. Am furious with her!! She was asking me what furniture we have for our apartment, and I told her what I tell everyone. A bed for me, wardrobe for Lisa, coffee table and Lisa has a desk. Then she asked why it’s Lisa’s desk and not mine. Well… because Lisa bought it, it’s hers, and it’s cutsom made for her. Why is it custom made for her? Because she has artheritis and it’s a special desk and chair that makes her sit properly.

Then she asks about Lisa having artheritis and Mum tells her she has Cystic Fibrosis. Nana doesn’t know what it is so we explain it to her. She asks what the life expectancy is, it’s 30-34 years. Then the bloody bitch says ‘they shouldn’t have helped her when she was a baby, would save the heartache.’ She goes on to say how it would have been better if Lisa had died as a baby, that she doesn’t live a decent live and that her death in 10 years will just cause her parents grief and heartache.

Fucking bitch!

I can’t begin to say how angry I am right now! Who the hell does she think she is? She said that if she had a child with Cystic Fibrosis she wouldn’t have helped it and would have let it die as a baby.

Lisa is living a very decent life, thank you very much. Yes, she’s been ill and had some problems, but she takes it in her stride. It doesn’t mean that she’s living life any less than the rest of us – more so in fact. She lives life more than a lot of people I know, because she knows just how precious and fragile life really is. Sure, there’s stuff she can’t do, like Sky-Dive and Snorkeling, but not many people do that anyway!

She has friends. A good social life. She goes out and parties. She gets drunk. She’s had boyfriends. She goes on holiday. She did well in school. She’s enjoying uni. She has fights with her parents. Sounds like any other teenager/young adult to me! She just has bi-monthly visits to the hospital to keep a check on things and sometimes she gets ill and needs medication through a tube near her collarbone.

But who the hell is Nana to say that Lisa should be dead?!

I’m furious with her. And then when I talk about it with Mum, she defends her! I mean, what the fuck?!

I just hope that Lisa and my Nana never meet. Argh!!

Am babysitting at the minute. The kids are in bed asleep. It’s the first time I’ve babysat for this family. They seem alright. Elliot is 3 1/2 years old and Samuel is 2 years old. They were shy when they first met me, but quickly warmed up to me, and liked it when I read them a bedtime story.

The parents seem alright. I recognise the guy from somewhere, or he reminds me of someone. Can’t put my finger on it. But he didn’t show any signs of recognition, so I think it’s just that he reminds me of someone. Can’t think who though. This is gonna bug me!

Am slightly wary, don’t know why. They seem nice enough, there’s just something that’s got me feeling wary, like I should just be careful. I trust my instinct. They were asking loads of questions as well – where do I go to uni, why my answering machine is in English, why my parents moved here from England, what I’m studying etc. All innocent questions. Just the way they asked it. I dunno. It makes no sense, I know. They seem like alright people, but they are strangers, so am just wary.

Also feel like I’m being watched. You know when you get that feeling? It’s really strong right now. It’s kind of creepy. They’ve probably got a Nanny-Cam or something. But I definitly feel like I’m being watched. I guess… I guess I’m feeling on edge, because 2 years ago today, was that night. But I don’t want to think about that. I’m going to write a private entry about that later. Just don’t want to think about it now.

They have a nice cat though. I don’t know what you call it in English. In Flemish it’s called a ‘Lapjeskat’ or ‘Schildpad met wit’. It’s where the cat is mainly white but with patches of orange and black. What do you call that in English?

She’s a very lovely little kitty and is keeping me company. Am glad for it.

Am glad I brought my laptop with me, and I’m glad that someone (either the people I’m babysitting for or their neighbours) has unprotected wireless internet. Hehe .

It’s a cool house. Not a lot of furniture or decorations or anything, from what they told me, they’ve not lived here long. The front garden is a bit of a mess, but other than that it’s a nice place. Love the wooden floorboards.

Where has TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsJade gone?? Her diary has just dissapeared – does anyone know what happened? I have my suspisions, but am not sure.

Damn these bloody DD feuds and stalkers.

V

Dear Diary,

I’ve figured out why I’m so down at the minute. PMS. Damn, hate being a woman sometimes, you know? Really hate it. Look forward to the day when periods won’t be a problem anymore. Need to lose lots more weight for that to happen though.

And before you say it, no I don’t enjoy being like this. I know it’s not normal. I know if I continue I will probably die an early death. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought ‘Gee, I think I might starve myself, that sounds like fun!’.

Have you ever had that little voice in your head telling you how awful you are, telling you to do something even though you know it’s wrong? Be it cutting yourself, eating that last piece of cake, having an affair, starting an arguement etc? Well that’s what Ana’s voice is like. Only her voice is the loudest voice in your head, making all the other voices only distant whispers. You can try and ignore her, but then she comes back with avengance.

And contrary to what you think, I wouldn’t wish this, her, on anyone.

And do you actually think I enjoy restricting myself? You think I enjoy hearing her voice, every single minute of the day telling me how fat and useless and ugly and worthelss I am? You think I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing a distoretd image of myself? I now what I see in the mirror probably isn’t really what I look like. But it’s what Ana is making see. And if I see it, it must be real. You think I enjoy getting a pen and drawing on all the fat bits on me? You think I enjoy pouring over fashion magazines and cutting out pictures of all the beautiful thin girls & woman and sticking them in my book, wishing I was them? You think I enjoy puking my guts up until there’s nothing more to bring up, yet I continue because I can feel the calories from the banana absorb into my body? You think I enjoy throwing up until nothing but blood comes up, until I have no more energy left and need to sleep to recover?

You think I like to work out until I collapse from exhaustion? You think I like to have freezing cold showers, because it burns those extra couple of calories? You think I like taking diet pills that mess up my insides? You think I enjoy being like this?

This is the only place where I can say what is really on my mind. Because a diary doesn’t judge. People, on the other hand, do.

Anyway.

I’m feeling very emotional right now. Can you tell? Lol.

Am going babysitting tomorrow night. Babysitting a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old. Finally, some money coming in!

Am tired of my Nana. Am tired of her judging me. Am tired of her telling me what I can and can’t do. And I’m tired of my Mum not sticking up for me. She just sits their quietly while Nana critices me. Then when Nana has finished her with her criticism and left the room, then Mum springs into action and says she should have said something, not to pay attention, she’s sorry etc. But then when she overhears Dad or me bitch about her, she jumps to her defense.

She can’t stand up to her own Mother. So she lets her do whatever she wants. Sure, she bitches about her to me, but doesn’t do anything. She knows what her Mum’s like, yet every summer she invites them over for 2 weeks and she goes and visits them. She knows what Nana is like to Dad and me, yet she always thinks they’ll change. And every time Nana just criticises me and points out all my negative points, playing on my weaknesses and making me feel even worse about myself than I already did.

Can you ever satisfy someone like that? Will you ever be good enough?

Right now, the only thing I can control is what I eat. Everything else has been taking from me. My room, my safe haven, is no longer my safe haven. Nana has even managed to take that from me. My room was the one place I could go when the world got too much. My parents knew that, so they wouldn’t enter without knocking or asking me first. They understood it was where I could go regroup myself, get myself back together, find my Zen.

Guess Nana figured that out too. She just barges in my room, wakes me up, looks at everything, complains that the furniture isn’t arranged to her liking and stays in my room for an hour, standing, just looking at everything, while I’m lying on my bed.

Agh.

V

Dear Diary,

10 more days until my Grandparents leave… 10 more days… Oh man. Don’t know if I’ll last that long! My Grandad is alright, he just potters about and does his own thing. But my Nana… Now she’s another matter. “You’re too lazy” – she says because I asked my Dad to fetch me something from the study, he was just leaving the study and coming into the lounge. Meanwhile I have to wait on her hand and foot. “You’re too fat”. “You’re doing it wrong”.

Nothing I do is good enough for her. Nothing. I’m either eating too much (half a punnet of strawberries) or not enough. I’m either too lazy, or too active. I’m too loud or too quiet. I’m too cheeky or I’m a pushover. Enough already! Let me be me. Let me live my life how I want it. You have no right to judge me or pretend like you have a say in the matter, you only see me once or twice a year!

Went out clubbing last night with Mele. Was alright. The place was dead until about 1am. Not much happening at all. Mele was annoying me though – if I looked somewhere else for more than 10 seconds, she would do something to bring my attention back to her. If I looked around the room for more than 10 seconds, she’d slap me on the ass or back or bump into my hip or whatever, because I wasnted paying enough attention to her. I had to watch her dance.

Wasn’t feeling very good about myself, at all. Very self-conscious. Kept thinking that everyone was looking at me “Oh my God, look at her, she’s so fat!” They probably weren’t, but I thought they were. Doesn’t help much that my Nana keeps on about my weight.

So that sucked. Wasn’t the best night I’ve had, that’s for sure.

And Mele knew like, everyone there. I didn’t know anyone at all. Could see people looking at me like “what’s that fat ugly bitch doing hanging out with someone as beautiful and thin as Mele?”

I don’t like leaving the house at the minute. I’m too fat. I really, honestly believe that. I need to be kept inside, am too fat to go out amongst the general public. I’m hideous.

Have cancelled my night out with Tom tonight for this reason. Though I told him it’s because I’m not feeling well. Think he’s pissed off at me. That’s understandable.

But I can’t go out again. I can’t feel like that again. Like everyone is looking at me with disdain because I’m such a fat pig. Think I almost had a break down, could feel the tears fighting to break free the whole night. Took all of my self control not to cry.

Am just feeling very miserable right now.

V

Dear Diary,

Am feeling much better now. The funk wasn’t a long one, thankfully, and I didn’t fall in it completely. I forced myself to do things rather than just lie in bed, and after a while I started feeling better. It doesn’t always work, but it did this time. So that’s good.

Went out last night. Ended up being a VERY late night, went to sleep at about 5am I think. It was Katt’s 18th birthday. Mum dropped me off at 6.30pm at Tom’s, and he drove us both to ChiChi’s (a Mexican restaurant) to meet up with Katt and the rest.

Was fun. We all chatted and made jokes – poor Tom! He ended up making several jokes without meaning to. He doesn’t mean to, but a lot of what he says has a sexual meaning, completely without meaning it. Or maybe it’s just that the rest of us have dirty minds. That’s probably it!

I had a Blue Lagoon cocktail – very nice. Very alcoholic! Was yummy though. There wasn’t much for me to choose, being a vegetarian, but there was a couple of things. Didn’t eat much of it, though don’t think anyone noticed.

At the end the staff came out to sing happy birthday and gave Katt a sombrero. She was very embarassed, but liked it I think.

We then walked to this ice cream place. On the way there this guy came up to me and said “You’re very beautiful”. Then he tried to kiss me, but I pulled away and he ended up kissing the air. Was kind of creepy, but flattering. Luckily my friends gathered around to protect me, lol.

When we left the ice cream place we went to a cocktail bar and chatted, when leaving there this other guy taps me on the shoulder and tries to kiss me, again I pull away and he ends up kissing the air.

Was very strange. Oddly flattering though. I mean, I’m the fattest out of all my friends – why did they go for me??

We then went to a gay bar. Except for the boys cause they’re boring. Or don’t feel comfortable in a gay bar. Or whatever. We didn’t stay long. Was one of the most boring gay bars I’ve ever been to – and I’ve been to a lot!

Then we just went to various bars and clubs. Was fun.

At about 2am we all decided to call it a night. Tom dropped off Katt and her boyfriend Phil (first time I met him, he didn’t say much, was very quiet) at her house with the presents. Then we dropped off Mel at her house. Mel has a gorgeous house! It’s an old farm house, very cool.

I stayed the night at Tom’s house, we chatted for a bit and feel asleep at around 5am. Got up at 10am. Am completely dead. But it was a fun night

Am meant to be going out again tonight with Paul, am not sure if I’ll make it, lol! Nah, am sure I will, but will just be slightly tired. Hehe.

Had a great night

My camera ran out of battery, so am charging it now. Will upload the pics as soon as it’s finished charging.

My Grandparents are coming over on Wednesday ever. Hmmm. Have mixed feelings about that. Part of me is looking forward to seeing them. But another part of me isn’t. They’re very critical and not always nice. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

V

Dear Diary,

I can feel myself sinking into a funk. I do that sometimes, have no idea what causes it. Happened at uni a couple of times. It’s hard to explain. It’s just like, I can’t do anything. I just lie in bad staring at the ceiling, and the next thing I know, several of hours have passed. I can’t bring myself to do anything – eat, sleep, watch TV etc. Just stare at the walls & ceiling in my room.

When I do force myself to do something, my heart’s not into it, am just putting on an act. No idea why I feel like this. Just wish it would pass soon, hate this feeling.

Maybe the commenter’s right from my previous entry. Maybe she just doesn’t like me.

I give up. Screw it. I’m just obviously not meant to be in a relationship. The dating game doesn’t agree with me.

“What’s love got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? What’s love, but a sweet old fashioned notion? What’s love but a second-class emotion?” Tina Turner got it in one!

Who knows. Right now, I just don’t care.

V