Dear Diary,

In the words of Lisa (who most likely stole it from some famous person!):

It’s hard to answer the question “what’s wrong?”, when nothing is right.

Everything is just so… agh.

I can’t put my finger on it, can’t give anyone a good enough reason why I feel this way. It’s not one thing that’s making me feel this way. It’s everything. I dunno, I can’t explain it.

I just want to curl up in a ball and make the world go away. Want to fall asleep and never wake up. Want to cut all this pain inside me out. Want to cry, but the tears won’t fall. It’s like all the pain is trapped in my body, and no matter what I do, it won’t go away.

And I know it’s wrong. I know so many people have it worse than me, much worse.

I just can’t help feeling like this, and I don’t know. Believe me, I hate this. I really do.

I just want this pain to stop.

Why won’t it stop?

V

Dear Diary,

Saucygirl said something yesterday that got me thinking. She said how I was good friend for being friends with Lynsey, how a lot of people would pull away. Unfortunately that’s true. Because she has a short life expectancy, people pull away. They don’t want to get close to her, for fear of them getting hurt. Most of her friends either have CF themselves, or another life-threatning illness.

I find that ridiculous. I know my life is so much richer in knowing her. She’s one of those rare things in life – a true friend. She doesn’t have a double agenda. What you see is what you get, and what you get is loyalty and honesty and friendship. What more can you ask for?

She’s not the one that’s losing out on friendship. Those people that are pulling away are the ones that are losing out.

Friends like Lisa are so rare in life. And I’m damn proud to be able to call her my friend.

There are those friends that aren’t really your friends – the ones that, deep-down, want you to fail, that way they can feel good about themselves. Then there’s the ones that will do anything to get your attention, no matter what. Then there’s those that bitch about everything. Then there’s those that only take, never give.

Of course, there’s the friends that you can have fun with, but can’t have a serious talk with. Or those friends you don’t really trust. Or the ones that you can only spend a small amount of time with because they’ll drive you crazy.

Life is full of those kinds of friends.

But true friendship, like the one Lisa gives, is so rare, is so hard to come by.

And I know I will always be greatful for knowing her and having her in my life.

Speaking of friends, I spoke to Dpitt today. We hadn’t spoken in about 2 months, since he moved back to Zimbabwe. Was nice hearing from him.

V

Dear Diary,

Seeing Lisa was good. We had such a great time. I really think I have a friend for life there. We spent 5 hours together, but it felt like 5 minutes. The time just flew by. We talked, we laughed, we watched Save the Last Dance 2, we ate Chinese, we talked more, we laughed more. We also talked about serious things, and think she got a lot of stuff off her chest. We had a really good time.

She’d gotten me a present. Because I went home early for Christmas, she never got the chance to give me my present, so she gave it to me then. J-Lo’s perfume, Glow After Dark. Very nice. She also gto me a ‘thank you’ card and Me to You bear holding the letters ‘thank you’. Very cute. She said they were because I’ve been such a good friend and have helped her a lot.

It really was nice seeing her.

But it was scary as well. She looked so… ill. Not ill as in dying-ill, but still ill. It’s a reminder I guess. Not a very nice reminder. Given the chance, our friendship would probably be for life, everyone (even the damn lecturers!) has said this. But it won’t be. She’ll live to be 35, tops.

How can I describe what I’m feeling? She’s an amazing person, a great friend, we get on so well. She’s so down to earth and doesn’t suffer fools. But she’s the first with a sympathetic word or a shoulder to cry on. She’s just a great person. And she takes it in her stride. But I can see, it gets to her. She’d love to have kids, but says she never will. She says it would be selfish to satisfy her needs, then die and leave her child without. There’s so much she wants to do, so much she can’t.

It’s just… I don’t know. Unfair. Shit. Awful. Life sure is cruel and unfair. She’s a great person, yet she won’t live to see 40. Then you have some awful, hideous people in the world that will live to be 80 or 90. What’s fair about that?

It was nice at Aunt’s as well. Though I was so tired. Could hardly keep my eyes open. Think I worried them a bit, I didn’t mean to. But they let me sleep. It was fun. Especially when my cousin and her fiance came round. They were so hungover from the night before, was hilarious!

Haven’t really done anything else.

I’m feeling… so down. So desperate. So alone.

My room looked awful. Like that of a bulimic person. And I suppose it sorta was. Sweet and chocolate wrappers everywhere. And I mean everywhere. And the faint smell of sick hanging in the air. Was not a pleasant place.

And since my sleeping pattern is fucked, I woke up at 1am and cleaned. Aired my room out as well. Looks much better now. Certainly smells a hell of a lot better!!

*Sigh*

I just wish I was normal, you know? Not a freak.

V

Dear Diary,

I’m a little stressed out at the minute. Everything and everyone around me seems to be going wrong.

I’m so worried about Lisa. Like really worried. I’ve mentioned before that she’s got Cystic Fibrosis. Basically it’s a genetic disorder that affects the mucus lining of the lungs, causing lots of mucus to build up in the lungs leading to breathing difficulties and bad infections. It also affects the pancreas which leads to digestive problems. And many, many other organs. People with this disease have a life expectancy of 30 years. Some die before that, some die after, but 30 is the average age. To survive, they need transplants. Lisa’s 20. She now has a very serious lung infection, the worst she’s ever had.

She went to the hospital yesterday, to get checked out again. They’re very worried about. She’s been told to stay in bed for 2-3 weeksand has been given more medicine. She’s not doing good. Not doing good at all. She’s coughing up blood and everything. She’s also very stressed out because her Grandad (who she’s very close to) is seriously ill in hospital and could die at any minute, but she can’t visit him. A friend of hers, who also has cystic fibrosis, has contracted this bug. It’s a bug that lives in onion skins, flower stalks and other places. To a person without CF (cystic fibrosis), the bug is harmless. But if a person with CF contracts this bug, it’s basically a death sentence, as it kills the lungs. This girl has that bug. She won’t be put on the transplant list, as once the bug is in the system, it stays there, so even if she did get new lungs, they would get infected.

So Lisa is having a very hard time. Am very worried about her. She’s said that emotionally, she’s drained. She needs her energy though, she needs to be focusing on herself to get better. All of this stress and her emotional status won’t help her get better. I’m really worried.

And Graham is very down as well. He’s a drama queen. Will make a mountain out of a molehill. Loves being in the spotlight and will make a drama out of anything and everything. That’s why you can never tell if he’s generally having a bad time, or is just wanting attention. That’s kind of how it as at the minute. So that’s a little stressful.

Don’t get me, he’s a great friend, and he’s being a great help to me at the minute – coming with me to the counsellor etc. And today he’s gonna walk down with me to my Aunt’s car. Stuff like that, so he’s great that way. Just a big drama queen. But he’s a good friend.

I’m also still feeling stressed. I hate not being able to go out of the flat by myself. Not even to check the damn post. And I’m not sleeping properly. And my hair is falling out. Yeh, that’s a new one. Was in the shower and clumps of hair just came out in my hand. Kind of freaked me out. I don’t have bald spots or anything like that (luckily I have loads of hair, so it’s not noticeable). I’m hoping it was a one off. But if it keeps happening, then soon I will have bald spots. I don’t know why it happened, but yeh.

And I jump at everything. It’s annoying. My flatmates think it’s hilarious. I mean, I jump out of my skin when the damn toast pops!

Really want to get this sorted. Hate being like this. Just wish I was normal.

Any advice?

Am going to my Aunt’s today (she’s coming to pick me up) And Lisa’s tonight (my Aunt is driving me there) Then back to my Aunt’s (Lisa’s Dad is driving me back). Staying the night there. Having Sunday lunch there. My cousin and her fiance will be coming over as well. Then am going back to mine (my Uncle will drive me back). Hopefully that’ll relax me a bit.

And am looking forward to seeing Lynsey, am really worried about her.

V

Dear Diary,

I’ve just come back from the counsellor’s. It was a different counsellor. I normally have this woman called Deborah, but she’s been ill, so I saw Patsy. I much prefer Patsy! It’s not that Deborah is a bad counsellor or anything, but her and Patsy have very different counselling methods, some prefer Deborah, some prefer Patsy. I prefer Patsy. So she’s gonna be my counsellor from now on. My next appointment is next friday.

It was a good session. She thinks the attack 1 1/2 years ago is the root of my fear of going out by myself. She also thinks that what happened at the club near the beginning of the year (when that guy crossed the line and felt me up in a very bad way – hands under my top, trying to unbutten my jeans etc) is part of it as well.

She thinks the fact that I get very nervous in crowded areas (pubs, clubs, uni, mall etc.) is because of what happened at the club. Definitly an over-reaction, but that’s because of the assault. And I can’t go out by myself because both assaults happened in very different circumstances (deserted car park & crowded club) that in my mind nowhere is safe, and the fact that I can’t go out by myself is because both the assaults happened when my friends weren’t around.

It makes sense. But I hate it, why can’t I be normal damn it?? We touched on other subjects as well – such as my eating problems, my problems with being physically close (I’ve never been a touchy-feely person, obviously made worse by the assaults, but even before that I had difficulty, even with just a simple hug) and my sleeping problems (I don’t sleep well, last night, for example, I couldn’t sleep, managed to get to sleep at 6am. Not good when I had to be up at 8am!)

It was a good session.

But she said not to push myself and, unless I feel able to go out, to stay in the flat where I feel safe. She’s afraid that if I push myself I might have a complete breakdown, so she said that for the next week I should stay in the flat. Then in the next session we’re going to try and figure out a way to make me feel comfortable going out again.

She also says I need to write a letter to the guy that assaulted me the first time. Just write down all of my feelings, anything that comes to mind. Then I have to destroy it. Some form of therapy I guess.

Much better than my last counsellor who thought that the assaulted hadn’t had any lasting affect on me and that it was just me coping with being apart from my parents!!

But I feel good. It really was a good session, and she’s nice. (If you’re wondering how I managed to get to her in the first place, Graham came with me. It was meant to be Kristina, but she got drunk and was hungover so couldn’t come).

Anyway. Lisa still isn’t doing good. She’s at the hospital all day today, getting tests done and stuff to see if she can come back to uni. But she’s still coughing up blood, so that’s not a good sign. Am really worried about her. She says this is the worst lung infection she’s ever had. Will be seeing her on Saturday. My aunt’s coming to pick me up Saturday lunch time, we’re gonna spend some time together at her house. Then she’s dropping me off at Lisa’s in the evening. We’ll spend a couple of hours together, then her Dad has kindly said he’ll drop me back off at my aunt’s house. I’ll stay at my aunt’s until about 4pm. We’ll have Sunday lunch, and my cousin Sarah and her fiance Rus will be going round as well, so it should be nice. Then my Uncle will drop me back off at the flat.

Anyway. Last night was an eventful night. Daymn!! On Wednesday Graham’s new boyfriend, Leo, came over. He seemed like a really nice guy and the three of us had great fun. We watched some DVD’s and just had a laugh. Stayed up reasonably late. The next morning (well, afternoon) the three of us also had a fun time, just chatting and stuff. Then at 6pm we went to the grocery shop (we went to Asda, which is open 24/7). We got loads of food in. (I was nervous but not too bad, seeing as I wasn’t alone and the shop wasn’t too busy).

Got back to the flat, chatted some more. Then we went on the metro (okay, I was very nervous for that, hated it, and Graham apologised for making me go with him and Leo) to drop Leo off at home, then we went back to the flat.

Everything seemed fine. We get back to the flat and Kristina and her friend Daniel, were drunk outta their minds and as high as a kyte. And not good high or drunk either. So that wasn’t very nice at all. I stayed in my room.

Then Leo broke up with Graham over MSN. Obviously came as a big shock. Graham was, understandbly, very upset. He went down to the beach with a friend of his (he asked me to go, but I just couldn’t, he understood, thankfully).

Then he came back to the flat. I’d been trying to get to sleep since midnight. Finally, at 2am, I gave up. Sent Graham a text to see if he was awake. We stayed up until 6am, cleaned the kitchen and lounge. The kitchen was foul. Some plates (not mine) actually had mould growing on them, disgusting!!!

So yeh, that’s all in my life at the minute. I better get on with my essay, then email it to my tutor, who has kindly said that any work can be emailed to her and she’ll sort things out with my tutors and explain why I’m not in lectures etc. That’s a relief! She also let me email her the report that I did but couldn’t hand in cause I couldn’t leave the house, and she’s sorted it out with the lecturer. Also a big relief!

V

Dear Diary,

Thanks for all of your supporting comments .

So I told my parents. They were hurt and angry I hadn’t come to them sooner, and Mum and me had a small arguement. Neither of them understood, I barely understand myself. Dad just kept saying to ‘just go outside’.

Wish it was that flipping easy! But then I wouldn’t be in this position if it was that easy.

Mum was crying, wondering what she’s done wrong.

But they care, and I appreciate it. After the initial arguements, they were pretty supporting, so am very thankful for that. Dad especially. He’s a simple man (not simple as in stupid. He’s a maths guy, and most math guys aren’t very emotional, so life to them is simple, you know?) so he doesn’t understand at all, but he wants to help. Mum wants to help as well.

I am thankful that I’ve got them as my parents, they do love me, and I love them.

I’ve made an appointment with the counsellor for thursday at 9am. It’s an emergency appointment. They didn’t have any earlier slots available. Not really sure what to do today and tomorrow. I’ve got lectures today but can’t go. Like I can’t physically go, I just panic and start crying and hyperventilating.

I don’t understand it. Feel like such a freak. Why am I so messed up??

Kristina is going with me to the counsellor. It seems that when someone is with me I can go out, although I’m still nervous and can’t go to crowded areas, like a pub or club or mall.

And I’m not like this when in Belgium.

What is it about this place that makes me feel like this? I hate it.

I just don’t know what to do in the meantime.

V

Dear Diary,

Okay, what’s the deal?! As soon as I arrive back in S, all my anxieties just came rushing to me. And it got worse.

When I’m in the flat I’m fine. But the thought of leaving the flat is freaking me out. I had to miss uni today. I had finished my report last night and was gonna hand it in today. Only I couldn’t sleep. Everytime I thought about leaving the flat I’d start to panic, so much so that I couldn’t breath. Had to use my inhaler several times during the night. I was sobbing and shaking at the thought of leaving the flat.

What’s wrong with me?

Because of that, I couldn’t hand in my report. Which isn’t good. I don’t know what to do.

I want to talk to my counsellor, but I can’t bring myself to leave the damn flat to go and see her!

I mean, I have two packages waiting for me at reception. I’m mega curious as to what they are, but I can’t leave the flat to get them!

Why has it gotten worse? It wasn’t this bad before.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home, but it’s my fault.

I’m just… I need help.

Help.

V

Dear Diary,

Thanks for all your comments on yesterday’s entry. Was interesting to read all of your opinions on tattoos. Some, like my Dad, see them as a sign of immaturity. Some, like myself, see them as beautiful works of art that are personal to the wearer, other see them as mutilation of the body. Neither view is right, or wrong. It’s a personal choice. Personally, I love tattoos. Am definitly getting another one, it’s just a matter of when.

Told my Dad last night that I’m getting another one. He wasn’t happy. But his reaction was slightly better than I expected it to be, which is good.

Am flying back to uni tonight. Am slightly nervous. I need to have a serious talk with my counsellor about everything. Although I end up getting nervous and not telling her everything, so I’m gonna write it on a piece of paper. Just want to move past this stage in my life and get on to the stage where I actually enjoy life, you know?

Think I’ll be pulling an all-nighter as well. Have a paper due in tomorrow and am no where near finished. My own fault. So I’ll do that tonight when I get back.

Spoke to the person I have feelings for (go to my second entry on Valentine’s day for more info). No, I won’t say who the person is. Just that we’re friends, but my feelings are more than that. Anyway, spoke to that person. Another bad relationship came to an end, and I offered my shoulder to cry on, again. Said person asked ‘when will I find someone that doesn’t play me or treat me like shit?’ Wish I could be the person to do that. But I never will be, so instead I’m just gonna have to enjoy the friendship.

*sigh*

Who am I kidding? I will never be anything more than a friend, to anyone.

V

Dear Diary,

Am starting to get anxious again about going back to the UK. I need to conquer this ridiculous fear. It’s stupid. It’s irrational. But it’s real nonetheless. *Sigh*. I’ll find a way to overcome it.

Went shopping into Brussels today with my Mum. Bought some nice tops and jumpers. I especially love this red top. Will have to wear it and take a picture, but I love it. It’ll look awesome with jeans, big belt and boots. But anyway. Also bought 4 CD’s (Eminem – The Re-up. The Game – Doctor’s Advocate. Jay-Z – Kingdom Come and Ludacris – Release Therapy. Like I said, my main love is hiphop and rap). Also bought this PC game that’s meant to strengthen your mind and some belts. Got my friends at uni back in the UK some Belgian chocolate. Can’t beat Belgian chocolate! Got Kristina and Lisa a little box, and the rest of my flatmates I got a big box to share.

Mum also got some stuff for the kitchen.

We were then gonna head into Vilvoorde and go to the tattoo parlor (the one where I got my first tattoo done), but Mum started feeling really ill and had the runs, so we had to rush home. She’s in bed now. Hope she feels better soon!

Will probably go to the tattoo parlor tomorrow. I could catch the bus, but it only runs once every 2 hours, and I’d only be at the parlor for like 15 minutes, so I’d be wandering around town for just under 2 hours. Not my idea of fun! And it’s too far to walk unfortunatley. Ah well. If Mum’s better we’ll go tomorrow.

I really love tattoos. And piercings. But I know other people don’t, which is fine, it’s a personal choice. My Mum’s not happy about me getting another one, she’s pretty angry about it, but she knows she can’t stop it. Haven’t told my Dad yet. He’ll be angry.

I don’t get it. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking them to get one, it’s my body, you know? And they don’t want me to get one in visible places, so I’m not. My first one is on my lower back, can be easily hidden. This one will be just below my ankle, will be hidden by socks and shoes. So I don’t get the problem.

I like them, I think tattoos can look gorgeous (although full-body tattoos, face tattoos, death tattoos, cartoon ones etc aren’t my thing, it’s an individual’s choice). Same with piercings (although there are some I don’t like, again, it’s an individual’s choice).

I have a 30cm tattoo on my lower back. Have alread put a picture of it in on of my entries, but will add one at the end of this entry again. I’ve got my ears pierced (twice in my right ear, three times in my left) and have my nose pierced. Not a lot. I love every piercing and I love my tattoo. Can’t wait to have my second tattoo. And would love to have my lip pierced (little diamond stud in the middle, think they look gorgeous). Would also like a couple more piercings on my ears.

But my parents find them offensive, hate them. I don’t understand it.

What are your thoughs on tattoos and piercings?

V