I’ve just come back from the counsellor’s. It was a different counsellor. I normally have this woman called Deborah, but she’s been ill, so I saw Patsy. I much prefer Patsy! It’s not that Deborah is a bad counsellor or anything, but her and Patsy have very different counselling methods, some prefer Deborah, some prefer Patsy. I prefer Patsy. So she’s gonna be my counsellor from now on. My next appointment is next friday.
It was a good session. She thinks the attack 1 1/2 years ago is the root of my fear of going out by myself. She also thinks that what happened at the club near the beginning of the year (when that guy crossed the line and felt me up in a very bad way – hands under my top, trying to unbutten my jeans etc) is part of it as well.
She thinks the fact that I get very nervous in crowded areas (pubs, clubs, uni, mall etc.) is because of what happened at the club. Definitly an over-reaction, but that’s because of the assault. And I can’t go out by myself because both assaults happened in very different circumstances (deserted car park & crowded club) that in my mind nowhere is safe, and the fact that I can’t go out by myself is because both the assaults happened when my friends weren’t around.
It makes sense. But I hate it, why can’t I be normal damn it?? We touched on other subjects as well – such as my eating problems, my problems with being physically close (I’ve never been a touchy-feely person, obviously made worse by the assaults, but even before that I had difficulty, even with just a simple hug) and my sleeping problems (I don’t sleep well, last night, for example, I couldn’t sleep, managed to get to sleep at 6am. Not good when I had to be up at 8am!)
It was a good session.
But she said not to push myself and, unless I feel able to go out, to stay in the flat where I feel safe. She’s afraid that if I push myself I might have a complete breakdown, so she said that for the next week I should stay in the flat. Then in the next session we’re going to try and figure out a way to make me feel comfortable going out again.
She also says I need to write a letter to the guy that assaulted me the first time. Just write down all of my feelings, anything that comes to mind. Then I have to destroy it. Some form of therapy I guess.
Much better than my last counsellor who thought that the assaulted hadn’t had any lasting affect on me and that it was just me coping with being apart from my parents!!
But I feel good. It really was a good session, and she’s nice. (If you’re wondering how I managed to get to her in the first place, Graham came with me. It was meant to be Kristina, but she got drunk and was hungover so couldn’t come).
Anyway. Lisa still isn’t doing good. She’s at the hospital all day today, getting tests done and stuff to see if she can come back to uni. But she’s still coughing up blood, so that’s not a good sign. Am really worried about her. She says this is the worst lung infection she’s ever had. Will be seeing her on Saturday. My aunt’s coming to pick me up Saturday lunch time, we’re gonna spend some time together at her house. Then she’s dropping me off at Lisa’s in the evening. We’ll spend a couple of hours together, then her Dad has kindly said he’ll drop me back off at my aunt’s house. I’ll stay at my aunt’s until about 4pm. We’ll have Sunday lunch, and my cousin Sarah and her fiance Rus will be going round as well, so it should be nice. Then my Uncle will drop me back off at the flat.
Anyway. Last night was an eventful night. Daymn!! On Wednesday Graham’s new boyfriend, Leo, came over. He seemed like a really nice guy and the three of us had great fun. We watched some DVD’s and just had a laugh. Stayed up reasonably late. The next morning (well, afternoon) the three of us also had a fun time, just chatting and stuff. Then at 6pm we went to the grocery shop (we went to Asda, which is open 24/7). We got loads of food in. (I was nervous but not too bad, seeing as I wasn’t alone and the shop wasn’t too busy).
Got back to the flat, chatted some more. Then we went on the metro (okay, I was very nervous for that, hated it, and Graham apologised for making me go with him and Leo) to drop Leo off at home, then we went back to the flat.
Everything seemed fine. We get back to the flat and Kristina and her friend Daniel, were drunk outta their minds and as high as a kyte. And not good high or drunk either. So that wasn’t very nice at all. I stayed in my room.
Then Leo broke up with Graham over MSN. Obviously came as a big shock. Graham was, understandbly, very upset. He went down to the beach with a friend of his (he asked me to go, but I just couldn’t, he understood, thankfully).
Then he came back to the flat. I’d been trying to get to sleep since midnight. Finally, at 2am, I gave up. Sent Graham a text to see if he was awake. We stayed up until 6am, cleaned the kitchen and lounge. The kitchen was foul. Some plates (not mine) actually had mould growing on them, disgusting!!!
So yeh, that’s all in my life at the minute. I better get on with my essay, then email it to my tutor, who has kindly said that any work can be emailed to her and she’ll sort things out with my tutors and explain why I’m not in lectures etc. That’s a relief! She also let me email her the report that I did but couldn’t hand in cause I couldn’t leave the house, and she’s sorted it out with the lecturer. Also a big relief!