Dear Diary,

I’m going to see the uni counsellor on friday. I really can’t wait, things are just getting so overwhelming. And I hate feeling like this. I mean, you get some people that seem to like wallowing in misery and self-pity and use it to get attention and to get people to feel sorry for them, you know? But I don’t enjoy being miserable. I like being happy.

Wish I knew what was making me feel so miserable, then I could change it and all would be fine and dandy. But I don’t. So that’s why I’m going to the counsellor. I can take a wild stab in the dark and guess that it has something to do with the sexual assault and my feeling of worthlesness, but I don’t know how to work through those things. So off to the counsellor I go.

Graham is also starting to annoy me slightly. But it’s not him, it’s me and because I’m feeling down that things are just bugging me more. It’s not Graham’s fault, that’s just how he is, he hasn’t changed, I have.

But the things he usually does is just annoying me at the minute. He’s a drama queen. That’s just who he is. If something or someone pisses him off he gets all moody and down and you have to spend ages trying to talk to him and cheer him up. He’s one of those people that seems to like being down and the attention that it brings with it. Whereas I try and hide me being down from others so as not to get them down or feel awkward.

So yeh, his boyfriend cheated on him and so Graham dumped him, and he started acting all depressed. This is after Graham cheated on him first. Yeh.

Ah well.

I didn’t realise it though when I made the appointment that it clashed with one of my lectures. But no worries, I can go to an earlier lecture.

I just really need to talk to someone to sort through everything and just to stop all this black hole from getting bigger inside me, to stop it from consuming me.

V

Dear Diary,

My birthday was alright. It didn’t really feel like my birthday, there was no excitment. To be honest, it just felt like any other day. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad or anything, it was just like any other day. Which is my fault, cause my family tried. It’s just… I don’t know.

I’m feeling low, not really settled yet. I miss my friends from Belgium. I miss my parents. I miss my cat.

Lisa’s feeling the same. She’s even considering dropping out. I really hope she doesn’t.

I should be at uni right now. I just couldn’t be bothered. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do, and I really want to do well, I just don’t have the emotional energy to do anything. Urgh.

V

Dear Diary,

The Christina Aguilera concert was AMAZING!!!!! It was just… wow!!! I have to say, it’s one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to – and I’ve been to a few!!

I mean, I’m more into rap & hip-hop and most of the concerts I’ve been to have been that sort of music (Snoop Dogg, The Game, 50 Cent, Kanye West etc.) but I’ve also been to others (Tiesto – which was awful, I HATE techno, but went with a friend cause he had no one to go with, that really was hell! The Darkness – really good. Sugababes, Big Brovaz etc.) Those are the ones that I can think of right now, but I know there’s more.

So yeh, have been to a fair few. But this one was really, really, really good. Absolutely amazing. She’s a great entertainer, it was just wow! Am kicking myself that I forgot my camera! Had my phone though, so took some pictures with that, but unfortunately it ran out of battery about 5 minutes in.

Anyway. She changed clothes a lot during the concert, but she did it in a way that it was part of the show, or she’d put a short video on so we weren’t standing there bored as has happened in concerts before. Her clothes were amazing! So pretty, sparkly, naughty (yet not revealing or slutty). It was just wow.

And her dancers!! Wow! So fit!! At one point one dancer was balancing this tridant that was on fire on his head, amazing. They did amazing stuff.

She really knows how to work a crowd!

And one lucky guy from the audience got to go on stage, lucky so and so! He was strapped down with Christina dancing around him (poor guy got a bit excited… how embarassing!)

It was awesome… One of the best nights of my life.

Apart from this one stupid woman swearing at me. I asked one of the people behind the bars by the stage (I was really close to the stage, about 4 rows) for water because I was feeling very faint. So he gave me a glass of water and I drank half of it and gave the other half to Graham. Then this woman poked me and said
“You’re meant to share it you tight bitch!”

Stupid cow. If she wants water she should ask for water!

Then she was pushing me and pushed this girl – assume it was her daughter – in front of me and says
“she can’t see, bitch!”

Like it’s my fault?! Whatever.

But I didn’t let it ruin it. The concert was really amazing. Wow…

Though unfortunately Graham and me hadn’t thought ahead – it ended at 11:20pm and forgot the metro closes at midnight. So we rush to the metro. The last stop is at a place that’s 15 minutes away by car. More than an hour by foot.

Both of our phones are dead. Oh crap. What do we do? Go to the chippie of course (had only had a small sandwhich for the whole day), so we had some chips. Then stood around in the cold. Graham switched his phone on and called a taxi. We waited for 20 minutes. It didn’t arrive. What’s going on? He calls again (the whole time his phone is bleeping at him that the battery is low – mine’s completely dead). Turns out they forgot about us. Oh. Nice. 10 minutes later it finally arrives.

Was an amazing night. I bought a poster & the program. Really had a great night. Am still on a high from it! (A natural high that is!)

In other news. Snoopy, my cat, my baby, is in the animal hospital. I didn’t even know anything was wrong, Mum never told me. What happened was that she noticed that Snoopy was breathing heavily, but thought she’d just been playing. But when she was still panting badly 15 minutes later, she calls the vets. He’s closed. She leaves it a while. Then decides to look for an emergency vet since Snoopy’s not improving. She goes to this vet. Poor baby has pneumonia. It could either be from a ruptured lung or a virus. He can only know by giving her medication and seeing if she improves. She does, phew! He keeps her in overnight to keep an eye on her. She’s a very sick baby.

The next day she’s improved slightly, but needs a lot of medication. When Mum tells him that she’ll be going to England and won’t be able to give her her medication, the vet said to keep her there so he can take care of her.

Aparantly she’s doing a lot better now and is very loving towards the vet – which is really strange, she hates people. Absolutely hates them. The only 2 people she’ll even go near are Mum & me. But she likes this vet, so that’s good, at least she’s comfortable.

Am just glad she’s okay and will be okay. Mum’s in England right now, she’s visiting me (we went shopping today, bought some nice clothes!) and then leaving Sunday evening to go visit my Nana for a couple of weeks. Then when she goes back to Belgium she’ll pick Snoopy up.

But the vet says she’s improving a lot. Good. My poor baby. Wish I was there with her. Love her to bits. Am so glad she’ll be okay.

And in yet other news, I didn’t end up going out last night. Almost everyone cancelled on me. None of my flatmates (including Graham) wanted or could go. Steve went home for the weekend. Zoe had work. Chris didn’t want to. David went home for the weekend, and Graham couldn’t be bothered. Happy birthday to me. So that was fun… The only 2 people that wanted to go out were Lisa & Wendy. So I just said not to bother. So yeh, was feeling pretty miserable about that. As you can imagine, felt very loved *rolls eyes*.

But Lisa & me did end up going out to a restaurant, so that was alright.

Oh, I’ve got a new flatmate. Kristina. She seems really nice. We’ve been giggling away and chatting. Let’s hope it stays like this!

Anyway, suppose I better get some sleep. It’s almost 4am and my Mum is coming over at 11am to take me shopping again, then am going round to my Auntie Hazel’s, staying the night there then going round to the family on Sunday (my actual birthday).

V

Dear Diary,

Haven’t been feeling so good today, didn’t go to uni. Guess this shows that even though I feel alright most of the time, I’m still not completely better. I didn’t do anthing but sleep today. Feel better now though, so will definitly go to uni tomorrow.

So yeh, the movie (Borat) on thursday night was funny. Mind you, I think he did cross the line several times. Afterwards we went to a restaurant called Franky & Benny’s, which was pretty nice. But can’t go there often as I can’t afford it!

Went into uni yesterday to see Daniel to talk about the work I’ve missed. He’s given me an extension for next week friday, which is fine. Should get that done no problem.

Am looking forward to next week, got several things planned. Thursday night I’m gonna go out with some friends to celebrate my birthday, friday morning Mum’s flying out to see me and tak eme shopping for my birthday, friday night am going to the Christina Aguilera concert with Graham, Saturday am going to be visiting family with my Mum & gonna be staying the night at theirs and Sunday (my actualy birthday) am having a birthday brunch at my families’, then Mum’s taking me out to buy birthday cake to take back to my flat, so willhave a few friends over then as well. Should be fun! Am getting pretty excited now!

Though I will be taking it easy, as today showed, I don’t yet have all my energy back.

Anyway, better get going, have an early start tomorrow (9am lecture, the horror!)

V

Dear Diary,

Am still so tired… Probably because I didn’t sleep much last night! My own fault, I take all the blame. But I can still complain, lol! Lisa was at mine using my laptop last night because she had an essay due in today which she hadn’t done, so she came round to mine at 7.30pm and was finished at 1.30am.

We had dinner (pasta) and then the flat phone rang. It was the girl in the flat opposite us asking for Chris. Then we noticed the flat door, it has a small window in it, and the window was covered in this gunk. Lisa and me went to have a look (the girl had finished on the phone with Chris) and saw the girl standing by her door. I opened my door, took a step forward and felt something wet and squishy on my foot. Raw egg. Someone had egged our flat door, and the flat opposite us. Disgusting.

Turns out it was Chris. He did it for fun and he egged our place so no one would suspect him. Bloody fool. I almost want to go down and report him, but then he’ll get kicked out.

I can’t figure him out. He’s a really nice guy, but then he goes and does something like that. And he’s always out partying. But when you sit him down and talk to him he’s so nice – not phoney nice, but genuinly nice. But then he does something like the egg thing. Urgh.

Lisa then went home, but got a bit freaked out because she was alone in her flat and people kept walking past her window and making noises (I would have freaked as well) so she came back round to mine and stayed the night. Unfortunately I don’t have a spare mattress, but she said she was happy sleeping on the floor and beanbag, with my big fluffy throw as a blanket. I must admitt, it is comfy. I’ve done it a few times when I got restless. (I sometimes just can’t get comfy on my bed so I sleep half on the floor and half on the bean bag with the throw over me. It’s actually very comfy!!)

I woke up around 4am feeling very sick and had to rush to the toilet and threw up. So that wasn’t very pleasant. Could also feel a migraine coming on, so I took my migraine tablet to try and prevent it, then went back to sleep.

The fire alarm went off at 6am, which we did not appreciate! Bloody thing. My migraine was gone though (well, just a dull headache). We ran into Chris and he seemed shocked Lisa was there. I could see all the dirty thoughts running through his head, the dirty boy, what are guys like eh? Lisa and me just laughed.

Then it was back to sleep and awake at 8.30am. She went to her flat to get some clothes and get ready, then we met up at 9.30am to go to uni.

I talked to one of my lecturers (Daniel, the hot one) and have made an appointment with him for tomorrow at noon to talk about my work (bummer, that’s my day off!) Haven’t heard back from David yet about another piece of coursework, so am getting worried about that. Talked to Carole and she put me in a group with 2 other people so we can start on a presentation for next week.

I don’t know why, but I just don’t feel comfortable around the guy. He’s a mature student and looks to be in his 30′s, but he gives me the creeps. It’s just the way he looks at you, it’s unnerving. I don’t know if it’s just me (I don’t normally feel comfortable around guys) or if he really is a bit creepy. Either way, I’m not comfortable around him so I’m going to trust my gut and be wary around him.

No French lesson tonight, thankfully! I slept for a little bit, and will be going out with Lisa to the movies, gonna see Borat. I’ve heard a lot of disturbing things about it, but want to make up my own mind.

Today I’ve eaten 2 banana’s and a salad sandwhich. So much… So fat. Urgh. But yet I know it’s not a lot and not enough. But I really am trying, trying so hard to eat. It’s just gonna take some time. I can do this, I think.

V

Dear Diary,

I’m physically and mentally exhausted. It’s like all my energy has just vanished. I’m just exhausted.

The flight back wasn’t so bad, though I had to take my emergency meds at one point. (For the next couple of months I have to take two tablets three times a day to make my blood pressure go up and keep it up. But it can happen that my blood pressure just drops suddenly – more likely to happen if I’m very tired, overworked, underfed and/or ill – then I have to take the emergency meds. I have to carry that around with me everywhere I go, which is annoying. It’s a bottle of this liquid stuff, I have to put 20 drops onto a sugar cube and eat that, then within 30 minutes my blood pressure will be normal again.) There was a little turbulance, but not much. So was alright.

Arrived back in the UK sunday night at 8pm, arrived home at the halls of residence at 9pm. Lisa came round to see me, we chatted for a while, was so good to see her & Graham again! We all ordered pizza (Lisa & me shared a pizza margherita – not the drink margharita, but plain pizza!! ;-]) and chatted and just hung out, was nice.

Had an awful night sleep. Kept waking up every hour. Not very good. So that’s probably one of the reasons why I’m exhausted.

The workload that I’ve missed is huge. As in H-U-G-E. I have 7 or 8 pieces of coursework due in (4 of which I missed the deadline due to me being ill). So that’s a massive amount of work, and I’m dreading it. But have been in touch with my lecturers and they’re all very understanding. One of them said to not worry about it and leave it and she’ll give me something else to do that I can work on during the summer, so that’s good! Haven’t heard back from the others yet. Urgh.

Went grocery shopping as I had nothing in the house. Bought loads of fruit and veg (if I do have to eat every 3 hours, might as well be healthy eating!) and pasta, bread etc.

It’s just so hard… I normally skip evening meal because I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of making something. But I have to eat, even though part of me is screaming ‘STOP! DON’T EAT! YOU FAT PIG! PUT THE FOOD DOWN, DON’T EAT!’

Urgh.

I’m so tired…

And tomorrow is a very long day. My last lesson ends at 7.30. So that really sucks.

On the bright side, I’ve tidied up my room and sorted out all the loose bits of paper and different odds and ends, and it now looks great! I’ve stuck some pictures onto my wardrobe to make it look more homey. Also have a picture of Snoopy & my parents in a picture frame. Feels more like home now. Well, will let you see for yourself and make up your own mind!

My lovely single bed (*sob* am used to a queen-size bed!)

I even have my own sink! Notice all the pics on my wardrobe? There’s also some ‘good luck’ cards & a postcard there (anyone wanna send me more postcards so I can stick em up?? hehe)

<img src="http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b338/Vixievicv/ddd.jpg"
My noticeboard (the piece of paper that looks burnt is actually my timetable, which one of my flatmates used as an ashtray, hence it being burnt). The brown fluffy thing is a bean bag with a throw over it – very comfy!

And finally, my desk. Believe it or not, it’s tidy. I just have so many bloody wires that it looks a mess.

So voila, that’s my room. Whatcha think?

Oh yeh, am also not moving out. There’s no more rooms available in the halls, and I really can’t afford to rent a place, so looks like I’m stuck here. Part of me is pleased (none of that hassle that always comes with moving out) but part of me isn’t (means I have to live with dirty slobs untill June). Oh well, c’est la vie!

Have also taken the stud out of my nose to put a new one in, but can’t put the new one in! It’s this funny design that curves, so I have no idea how to put it in. I tried but just ended up hurting myself and making my nose bleed. So will try again tomorrow.

V

Dear Diary,

Well, I should be writing about what an awesome time I would have had at the P!nk concert last night… but as you know, I couldn’t go . Yeh, I know, I’m moaning, but I’m just very dissapointed. Devasted actually. *Sigh*

In other news, Lisa and me have been emailing back and forth the past couple of weeks. It was her birthday on the 9th, I sent her a birthday card and got Graham to buy a 20 pound gift voucher from The Perfume Shop to give to her from me. Unfortunately she left to go home the day before her birthday so she never got them! But she said she’s gonna come and see me Sunday night when I’m back in the flat, so I’ll give them back to her then (and pay Graham back!)

We’ve also decided that every Wednesday we’re gonna go to the gym. We were anyway, but she injured her left knee and it’s only just healed. So we’re gonna start this Wednesday. Will be good! Am actually looking forward to it!

There’s also some problems concernig where I live. The people I live with are slobs. Actually, they’re ultra-slobs. For example, David has baked beans on toast, he doesn’t eat it all. What does he do with the leftovers? Leaves it on the table. Just leaves it, for days. It’s disgusting. And talking to him doesn’t help. The others are just as messy as well. Apart from Steve, Graham and me. But Steve just spends all of his time in his room, says it doesn’t bother him. Well it bothers me! And Graham as well. And we’ve just learnt that we’ve got a new person moving in, a friend of Chris. He was kicked out of his flat for being a slob. And he’s a homophobe. So yeh, not good.

So Graham and me are thinking about moving out.

So much hassle and stress. I could do without this at the minute! Am already stressing about all the work I’ve missed and will have to catch up on. Urgh. Oh well.

Mishaps are bound to happen, such is life. But still, it’s annoying.

Can’t believe I’ve been home for 2 weeks and am going back to the UK tomorrow!

Am gonna miss Snoopy, it’s been so nice with her. She’s my little baby.

V