Dear Diary,

I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself today and yesterday. Have been feeling so ill. Woke up on Monday with the room spinning around me and akiller headache. Got up and had a shower, thinking maybe it would help. But I felt so dizzy and faint, had to sit down. It was awful. Was all shaking like crazy. But I got ready for uni, thinking maybe it would pass. Met up with Lisa, she saw me and just said ‘you should be at home in bed’. I sure wanted to be! But I had to make it to the seminar, had to hand in my work.

Throughout the whole seminar I was just thinking ‘please don’t throw up, please don’t throw up’. And my headache got worse. It wasn’t as bad as a migraine, but not far off. I used to get sever mirgraines about 4 times a year, but now I only get them once, maybe twice, a year. But it wasn’t as bad as a migraine, but it sure was getting there.

After the seminar I decided to go home. There was no way I could function properly, and I had visions of me throwin up on the person in front of me, and that wouldn’t have been very fun. I called a taxi and almost threw up. The taxi driver looked very worried and got me home quickly. I literally had my head hanging out of the car window.

Got home, stumbled upstairs (I live on the 3rd floor). Talked to Graham for a bit, but then said I had to go lay down before I passed out. So I lay down and the room started spinning again. Then I got the shivers, I was freezing, just couldn’t get warm. And my head hurt so much, I was almost in tears.

Then my Mum calls me on Skype. She said she had a feeling I wasn’t doing too good and had the urge to call me. Mother’s bond? Who knows. But we talked, she said to take some Perodlan (stuff I usually take for migraines), but I couldn’t. I felt so sick, I tried drinking water but I just gagged it back up again, and couldn’t take the tablet, because I gagged that back up again as well. It was awful.

So then I went to sleep. Was still fully dressed, didn’t have the energy to change into my PJ’s.

Woke up hours later at 11pm with my flatmates making so much noise. My head was pounding, I felt nauseus beyond belief, boiling hot and the room was spinning. I thought I’d died and gone to hell. Was feeling very sorry for myself.

For the next couple of hours I was dozing on and off. It was one of my flatmate’s birthday, which was why they were making so much noise. I wanted to complain, but didn’t. Didn’t want to ruin his day. And couldn’t move or shout even if I had wanted to.

They shut up at about 3am.

I woke up at 7am. Lay with my eyes closed, didn’t have a headache. I thought, brilliant! Won’t have to miss uni! Opened my eyes and the pain was there. Blinded me. Couldn’t move. Hurt so much. Went back to sleep and woke up at 9am.

The sickness feeling had sort of gone away, enough for me to take a perodlan. My headache is now a dull throb and only feel slightly sick. But every time I make a sudden movement – cough, sneeze etc. – the sharp pain is back.

It’s at times like this I want my Mummy!!! I don’t care what people say, no matter how old or independant you are, when you’re ill, you just want your Mum or someone else taking care of you.

But anyway. Enough about that.

When I said in my last entry that I don’t know how to act around people crying or ranting or whatever, it’s because I haven’t had any experience in it. My instinct is to help them in whatever way I can. I want to help people, help them deal with their demons (though perhaps I need to deal with mine first, as Cassia pointed out, can’t have a psychologist with an eating disorder and that cuts herself now! That would be very hypocritical and wouldn’t bode well for patients!!). I just haven’t been taught how to act when people are overcome by their emotions. But I seem to be doing something right, as Graham later came up to me and said thanks for being there for him.

Maybe it’s a case of needing more confidence in myself when it comes to helping others. I dunno. But I do know that being a psychologist is my dream, has been for years. I know you can’t be ‘taught’ how to comfort people, but you can definitly pick up on a few things. And I plan to finish my undergrad, then do my postgrad and the doctorate, so am bound to learn some things! Hehe

But in the meantime, I need to work on healing myself and dealing with my emotions. Eating is still a big problem for me, but that will take a long time to deal with. Cutting not so much. I used to cut a lot as a kid, but stopped. Hadn’t cut for about a year and then I started again. Next time I feel like cutting, I’ll try crying instead.

I’m determined to battle my demons, and win. So help me God, I will get there.

V

Dear Diary,

Graham and me were sitting in the lounge, both on our laptops. He suddenly slams the top down and walks out, into his room and slams the door. I stare in shock, not knowing what to do.

Walk to his room, knock on his door. No reply. Then I hear heavy sobs. He’s crying. Oh shit, what do I do? I go in, sit on the edge of his bed, rub his back while he cries, say it’s ok.

He’s still crying, saying ‘why does shit always happen to me?!’ Not knowing what he’s talking about, but taking a wild guess (his boyfriend back in Northern Ireland) I say it shouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve it, deserve so much more.

He walks out to the landing.

What do I do? How do I cope with this? I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know what to do when people shout or cry or scream or whatever. I’ve never had to. My friends back in Belgium and me hardly ever cried. When we did it was in a big group so everyone could comfort. Have never had someone cry when it’s been only me.

I always find it slightly akward. I just don’t know how to deal with emotion. I know that if it’s me crying I like to be left alone. I hate crying in front of people. But I don’t always cry to ease my pain. I cut or binge or starve.

I just don’t know what to do or say when people start crying. Which isn’t very good, seeing as I want to be a psychologist. But I’m guessing part of the course is learning how to deal with all of this. But in the meantime, I just have no idea. It always makes me feel awkward. I want to help, want to take the pain away, but there’s nothing I can do.

So I gave him a couple of minutes, then followed him out and sat next to him. Letting him rant, commenting where appropriate. All the time just thinking ‘is this the right thing to say? What do I do now?’

Very awkward.

I also realised how little we know about each other. At one point he shouted out ‘and people wonder why I’m fucking suicidal and full of rage’.

I just don’t know what to do… or say…

I sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) feel suicidal, and there’s anger and despair and hopelesness in me. But I don’t know how to deal with that myself, let alone with other people.

IAfter a while he stopped crying, said thanks and we both went back into the lounge. I think it’s going to be one of those things neither of us will ever mention again.

I cut myself again today. Don’t know what came over me. Just felt incredibly sad and alone. Like life just wasn’t worth living… like I’m useless, worthless, probably die alone type thing. So I cut myself.

Great psychologist I’m gonna be huh? Can’t even deal with my own problems, let alone any one else’s!

My my, this entry is cheery.

I’ve left my favourite CD at home, it’s the CD I listen to when I feel like nothing in this world is worth it, like I’m not worth it. It usually makes me feel better. But I left it at home… Damn it. (The Eminem Show)

In other news. For one of my modules for psychology, we have to write down some questions every other week and hand them in, the questions have to be relevant to what we were taught in the lectures. The mark for these questions are worth 40% of the whole module mark.

So here are my questions:

Darwin’s Theory of Evolution relies mainly on fossil evidence, claiming that fossils prove the evolution theory. Yet for this to be true, surely there must be evidence of transitional forms? There is not. Surely, if it takes millions of years from one animal to evolve into another, then there should be thousands of transitional forms and fossils to prove this, how come there isn’t?

How do evolution theorists explain the sudden appearance of life? In fossil evidence, there is what scientists call the ‘Cambrian explosion’ with suddenly thousands of fossilised different life forms appearing – with nothing leading up to them (no evidence of evolution or transition, just suddenly appearing).

In 1876 there was a skull found below ground, it was found in the 2 million year old Pliocene strata. It’s said that the skull was completely mineralized, yet completely human. How do evolution theorists explain this?

Evolutionist claim that humans have stopped evolving over the past 100,000 years, yet how come human history only dates back to 5000 years?

So yeh, let’s hope that’s enough. Would love to hear your thoughts/comments/replies/answers etc. on them!

V

Dear Diary,
Graham and me were sitting in the lounge, both on our laptops. He suddenly slams the top down and walks out, into his room and slams the door. I stare in shock, not knowing what to do.

Walk to his room, knock on his door. No reply. Then I hear heavy sobs. He’s crying. Oh shit, what do I do? I go in, sit on the edge of his bed, rub his back while he cries, say it’s ok.

He’s still crying, saying ‘why does shit always happen to me?!’ Not knowing what he’s talking about, but taking a wild guess (his boyfriend back in Northern Ireland) I say it shouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve it, deserve so much more.

He walks out to the landing.

What do I do? How do I cope with this? I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know what to do when people shout or cry or scream or whatever. I’ve never had to. My friends back in Belgium and me hardly ever cried. When we did it was in a big group so everyone could comfort. Have never had someone cry when it’s been only me.

I always find it slightly akward. I just don’t know how to deal with emotion. I know that if it’s me crying I like to be left alone. I hate crying in front of people. But I don’t always cry to ease my pain. I cut or binge or starve.

I just don’t know what to do or say when people start crying. Which isn’t very good, seeing as I want to be a psychologist. But I’m guessing part of the course is learning how to deal with all of this. But in the meantime, I just have no idea. It always makes me feel awkward. I want to help, want to take the pain away, but there’s nothing I can do.

So I gave him a couple of minutes, then followed him out and sat next to him. Letting him rant, commenting where appropriate. All the time just thinking ‘is this the right thing to say? What do I do now?’

Very awkward.

I also realised how little we know about each other. At one point he shouted out ‘and people wonder why I’m fucking suicidal and full of rage’.

I just don’t know what to do… or say…

I sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) feel suicidal, and there’s anger and despair and hopelesness in me. But I don’t know how to deal with that myself, let alone with other people.

IAfter a while he stopped crying, said thanks and we both went back into the lounge. I think it’s going to be one of those things neither of us will ever mention again.

I cut myself again today. Don’t know what came over me. Just felt incredibly sad and alone. Like life just wasn’t worth living… like I’m useless, worthless, probably die alone type thing. So I cut myself.

Great psychologist I’m gonna be huh? Can’t even deal with my own problems, let alone any one else’s!

My my, this entry is cheery.

I’ve left my favourite CD at home, it’s the CD I listen to when I feel like nothing in this world is worth it, like I’m not worth it. It usually makes me feel better. But I left it at home… Damn it. (The Eminem Show)

In other news. For one of my modules for psychology, we have to write down some questions every other week and hand them in, the questions have to be relevant to what we were taught in the lectures. The mark for these questions are worth 40% of the whole module mark.

So here are my questions:

Darwin’s Theory of Evolution relies mainly on fossil evidence, claiming that fossils prove the evolution theory. Yet for this to be true, surely there must be evidence of transitional forms? There is not. Surely, if it takes millions of years from one animal to evolve into another, then there should be thousands of transitional forms and fossils to prove this, how come there isn’t?

How do evolution theorists explain the sudden appearance of life? In fossil evidence, there is what scientists call the ‘Cambrian explosion’ with suddenly thousands of fossilised different life forms appearing – with nothing leading up to them (no evidence of evolution or transition, just suddenly appearing).

In 1876 there was a skull found below ground, it was found in the 2 million year old Pliocene strata. It’s said that the skull was completely mineralized, yet completely human. How do evolution theorists explain this?

Evolutionist claim that humans have stopped evolving over the past 100,000 years, yet how come human history only dates back to 5000 years?

So yeh, let’s hope that’s enough. Would love to hear your thoughts/comments/replies/answers etc. on them!

V

Dear Diary,

Am very tired. Need to start sleeping more. Am so tired. Went out with Graham into the city. We took the metro there. Walked around for a bit, grabbed a bite to eat, then took the metro back. Exciting huh? We were gonna stay longer, but then we realised the last metro is at 11:30. We arrived at 10. So yeh. But it was actually fun.

There was also an event on the way back. The metro stopped and wouldn’t move for ages. We were all wondering what was going on. Then we looked into the carraige in front of us and saw there was a fight between some guy and a girl. The guy punched the girl and she fell to the floor. That was all I saw.

The next thing I know, the girl is in our carrage crying and swearing away. Then the police come and take her away. She claims the guy hit her first. The guy claims she attacked him and he hit in self defence. She was the only one taken away. She looked like Vicky Pollard.

Finally, after about 20 minutes, we start moving again. Then this Scottish guy starts shouting and swinging around like a monkey.

As I said, very eventful.

I think I’m going to quit self-defense class. Stupid huh? Haven’t been to a bloody class and already I want to quit. But you see, I would like to have one-on-one self defense class, not be in a group of 15 or 20. So am going to the gym in town and talk to the guy/girl that holds them and see if s/he offers those classes instead.

It’s Graham’s birthday soon. I’ve got him this board game called Dirty Minds, it seems hilarious. Will also get him some chocolates.

I’ve got 3 pieces of coursework due in in 2 weeks. Something tells me I’m in for a few late nights! Oh well.

Next Saturday is a Halloween party. I’m going dressed as a vampire. Can’t wait!!

And then I’m going home for the weekend, yay!! Am soooo looking forward to that. Seeing my cat & parents, sleeping in my own bed, have someone else do my washing!! Hehe. Time is really flying by.

V

Dear Diary,

I think I’m gonna take a leaf out of Cassia’s book and update who has access to my friend’s only entries. I haven’t had comments on any of my entries from some people, and they’re on my friend’s only list, so if you’re wondering why you no longer have access, this is why.

I just felt compelled to talk a bit more about anorexia and eating disorders in general, to clear something up.

I notice I’m on the top 10 a lot. This both pleases me and saddens me. It means I’m getting noticed. It also means that a lot of people (young people especially) notice my diary and come here. These people are on the verge of developing an eating disorder themselves.

Over the past few days/weeks I’ve had several private comments left from different people asking me for advice and tips on how to ‘become’ anorexic or bullemic.

This saddens me, very much. I didn’t start this diary so others could develop an ED. I don’t want other people to enter the hell that I’m in. The first and main reason I started this diary is for me, a place where I can go and write down my feelings. But another reason is to make people see that living with an ED isn’t ‘fun’ or ‘cool’. It’s hell.

You can’t ‘become’ anorexic. I can’t teach you how to despise yourself.

I know I don’t always mention my ED in here, but it’s with me every minute of my life. It’s there.

I wake up and the first thing I think is ‘how much do I weigh? How fat am I? I’m not worthy to live.’

You’re ED talks to you, it’s like a nasty little voice constantly putting you down. When you try on clothes, it’s there ‘you look ugly, you stupid, fat bitch.’ When you go to eat, it’s there ‘don’t put that in your fat mouth, you’ll become even more of a pig’. When you see a good-looking thin girl, it’s there ‘you’ll never be as thin or as pretty as her, you fat failure’. Everything you do, your ED is there, criticising you, destroying your confidence.

Your life becomes hell. Your day consists of counting calories and coming up with excuse not to eat. Then when you do eat something, you’re forced to rush to the toilet to bring it all up. But no matter how much you sick up, it will never be enough. Even when you stop bringing up food and just bring up bile and blood, it won’t be enough. You’ll still feel the food inside you, making you fat.

No matter how much weight you lose, it’s never enough. Never. Your goal weight is constantly changing. No matter how much weight you lose, you will always be fat. Always.

Some people turn to ED’s because they want a quick way of losing weight, not realising that this ED might eventually kill them or drive them to suicide. Once you’re in the grips of an ED, there’s hardly ever an escape. It becomes your life. If you think you’ll only have an ED until you lose the right amount of weight and become thin – think again. You’ll never be thin enough. Even when you’re a skeleton, you won’t be thin enough.

Other people turn to ED’s for control. Food is the only thing we can control. Think again. You don’t control food, food controls you. You think you’re in control? You think you have control over what you eat? Try eating a full fat yoghurt. See who’s in control then.

You can’t go out. So much socialising is done around food – going out to dinner, going for lunch, going out at night (think of all the calories in those drinks!)… eventually you’ll become anti-social. Friends start to dissapear.

People look at you as if you’re a freak. They think you’re stupid. Some fear you, some hate you.

You’re stuck in your lonely hell, one that not many people escape from.

As if that wasn’t enough, you mess up your insides. You damage your organs beyond repair. Think of the strain you’re putting on your heart and other vital organs when you deprive them of essential vitamins etc. Eventually they’ll just start shutting down. Most people die before this happens though, they commit suicide. Either way, a lot of people die.

So you want tips and advice? Stay away. Stay far, far away. Save yourself heartache and grief and keep your confidence and self-worth. Stay away.

Moving on. Am going out tonight. Graham’s coming back, and there’s a school-themed party tonight. So we’re going to that. I’m going out, even though I look awful. I need to at least pretend to be normal.

Was really ill yesterday, had to miss some of my lectures and had to miss my french lesson. Was sick, very sick. Temperature, throwing up (no, I didn’t make myself, I didn’t have to), suddenly becoming cold etc. Was awful.

Went to sleep at 4pm. My flatmates woke me up at 11pm. We had a little party to celebrate Steve’s birthday. Even though I didn’t eat anything or make any mess, I got dragged into cleaning up afterwards. Oh well. Then I went to bed at 2am. Woke up at noon. Still feel a bit iffy. But am glad Graham is coming back tonight!

V

Dear Diary,

Thanks for the comments guys . Good days and bad days are part of life I guess. If we didn’t have bad days we wouldn’t appreciate the good ones. I’m doing better now, sometimes things just get a little overwhelming. I haven’t been diagnosed with depression or anything, mainly because I don’t think what I’m experiencing is severe enough to be depression. I dunno. Maybe I should talk to a doctor about it. But whatever happens, I do not want to go on medication. So really, there’s no point in mentioning it. Ah well.

Am finding it difficult to sleep at the minute. I just toss and turn all night long. Have been trying to fall asleep since 10pm. It’s gone midnight now. This sucks.

I need to talk to the doctor about my hearing. It seems to be getting worse. Sometimes I can hear perfectly. Sometimes I can hear things other people can’t (like the phone ringing in another room), yet sometimes I can’t hear other people, it’s like they’re talking underwater and it’s all muffled. And sometimes they’re moving their lips and no sound reaches me. Very odd.

Graham’s coming back on Wednesday, yay!!

So, coming to the reason for the title in this entry. One of my modules in psychology is on the evolution of psychology. Now to understand this our lecturer has taken us to the beginning (the beginning being Darwin’s Theory of Evolution).

He says the theory of evolution is the only right one. He says he understand some people might have difficulty accepting this, but that evolution is the truth.

Hmmm. That’s his opinion, that’s fine. I don’t like that he’s forcing his opinion on us though. I don’t like that to pass this module we have to accept this opinion as truth.

But I will study and learn about evolution and answer everything ‘right’ (according to the evolution theory). Doesn’t mean I have to believe it.

To be honest, I’m not educated enough to argue with a man that’s dedicating his life to this theory. I don’t know the Bible well enough to argue with him. I just know what I believe, and it’s not the theory of evolution.

No one’s proved anything. It’s not a fact, it’s only a theory. Scientists say fossils prove this theory. Well I ask you, if fish and lizards and all living creatures evolved from worm-like creatures, where are the fossils that show this evolution? This evolution would take millions of years, why are there no fossils showing this? Why are there only fossils that are already evolved and have bones and spines and everything? Millions of years are missing, not just one or two, but millions.

That’s just my opinion. I don’t believe on forcing it on everyone. It just makes me a little angry that while people that believe in God are considered nut cases or stupid if they try and argue and defend what they believe in, people that believe in science etc are considered intelligent and normal when they argue for what they believe in. Even though there’s no more proof for their theory than there is for the theory of creation. Both are based on faith – faith in God or faith in science. Neither has any solid proof. It can’t be proven that one is more true than the other. Yet to pass this module we’re being forced to accept evolution.

I’ll learn it, but don’t have to believe it.

But I do enjoy a good (friendly!) debate . Would love to hear your thoughts on creation and evolution!

V

Dear Diary,

I don’t know if I can do this much longer. I was lying in bed before, trying to get an early night sleep. Then I heard my flatmate Zoe scream and run down the corridor and then David laugh and run down after her. For an instant my heart stopped. Then I hear Zoe laugh and scream again and this time David is running down back down the corridor with Zoe chasing him. A game of tag. Simple, innocent, fun game. Which brought on a panic attack for me.

I calmed down, forced myself to breathe normally. My heart was still racing.

Then the feeling of sickness came. It’s still there. I feel sick, very sick. My stomach hurts. It feels as if I’m going to throw up. But I won’t. It’s nerves and stress. I get like this when I feel out of my element, when I don’t know what to do or where to go or how to act. I get like this when I’m very very stressed and worried. It won’t go away for a while, maybe a couple of days. I hate it.

I felt so bad about myself. So lonely, with no one to turn to. I cut myself. Got my swiss army knife and cut 3 little slices into my fat stomach. Just hard enough to draw blood. It relaxed me a little.

But it also made me feel worse. I wish there was someone I could talk to, a friend. Someone to hug me. But there’s no one here I know or trust. N one to turn to, to share my burden with.

Then there’s a knock on the door. It’s Zoe. She accidently broke one of my mugs, one of my favourite mugs. It was an accident. I tell her it’s alright. I close the door and feel tears at my eyes. I don’t let myself cry, if I start I won’t stop. But I feel like crying. It’s a stupid reason. 2 of my glasses and now my mug have been broken. Only my things have been broken, no one else’s.

They were all accidents, I know that. But it doesn’t stop my paranoid mind from jumping to conclusions, even though I know they were accidents. It’s stupid.

So I cut myself again, 6 cutes on my upper left arm. Like my stomach, no one will see these.

I just wish I wasn’t alone. I wish Chiara or Dpitt was here to talk to. Someone that knows me, someone I trust. Someone that will just let me cry on their shoulder and won’t feel uncomfortable, someone that understands, someone that won’t belittle me and my stupid, stupid problems.

Even now, I can feel tears in my eyes, waiting to be set free at the slightest thing. I jsut can’t. I don’t like crying. Once I start I won’t stop. I won’t cry.

I just wish I wasn’t alone.

V

Dear Diary,

I missed self-defense class. Can’t believe it. I slept in, missed the lesson. Argh. Mind you, I needed the sleep! Still sucks though. It won’t happen again.

Went shopping yesterday, bought 2 new tops for going out, birthday present for my Mum (a beautiful picture frame, am gonna print a picture of the 2 of us and put it in) and some presents for Dpitt, who’s turning 21 on the 23rd November. I got him a little teddy bear holding ’21′, a funny mug that has stuff about being ‘mature’ and a pink fluffy pen with his initial on it. It’s a running joke between us that he likes pink & fluffy things and teddy bears. He’ll appreciate the humour.

I was talking to Lisa and telling her I’m going to Pink’s concert in November, she said she’s trying to get a ticket but doesn’t have anyone to go with, so I said she could come with my cousins and me.

Lisa & me went to the movies on Friday as well, we saw World Trade Center. I cried so much. It wasn’t what I expected and Lisa wasn’t too keen on it (though she still cried her eyes out!), but I ‘enjoyed’ it. Though enjoy isn’t really the right word, you know?

I stayed at my cousin Sarah’s house last night. Was fun. Her boyfriend was there as well. He’s a cool guy. He’s massive though! All muscle. He looks like a body builder. He’s a nice guy. Though am still not comfortable around him. Takes me a while to get used to a guy and trust him. But he seems nice enough.

We stayed in, watched some movies (Alexander, Batman Begins and the original The Omen). Was really good. She gave me a bunch of stuff to bring back with me as well, bless her. I still don’t know how to act when people get me stuff or are nice.

They’re in love. You can tell just by the way they look at each other. He looks at her with utter adoration, his eyes just go soft looking at her. It’s the same with her. Think there might be a marriage in the works… I spotted a ‘Bride & Groom’ magazine on the table… It’s so nice to see though. They really are in love. When we were watching the movies they were just cuddling into each other, looking at each other etc. It was nice to see. But it made me wish I had a man. Someone to love me for me, that accepts me as I am, someone that I can love, someone with faults that I can love. It made me sad. I sometimes wish I had a boyfriend, someone that really loves me. Someone to just hold me. But I know I don’t deserve that. *Sigh*

I just checked my email. Another email from Peri. He says he misses me and hopes I’m doing good and to always believe in myself and that he’s not gonna give up on me/us. His emails are really sweet… but… we’ve been finished for more than a month. You know?

V

Dear Diary,

Thanks for everyone’s comments on yesterday’s entry. I’ve looked online for a place that does those tests. Now just to work up the courage and go there. I know roughly where it is (it’s a couple of streets away from me), but not completely. I could walk around and try to find it, but then I risk the chance of getting mugged or worse (I don’t live in a particulary safe area). There doesn’t seem much point to call a taxi to take me only a couple of streets though. I dunno. Need to call and make an appointment as well. (Could you privatise any comments that refer to this part of my entry or yesterday’s entry? Thanks)

Went shopping today. Had a lecture at 2pm, we found out we’re gonna get given more coursework next week. Great…

But woke up at 9:45am and Lisa and me went to the Campus Library to do some work. Then we headed into town. I called the bank and asked them what was going on. Spoke to this Indian woman who I could hardly understand, she said aparantly I didn’t sign a confermation slip so my account hadn’t been opened, which is why my card hasn’t been sent to me. So I had to go to the bank and sign it. I should get the card within the next 5 days and the pin number a couple of days after that. About bloody time!

Then we went looking for a new phone for Lisa, she chose the Samsung D900. A very good choice! I’ve got the E900, they’re very similar. We walked around for a bit, stopped at Subways for lunch (I had a salad). By this time it was time to go back to Campus for our lecture.

Afterwards we went back into town. I bought a nice black evening top and a birthday card for my Mum. Just need a present now, not really sure what to get.

We had a look for some schoolgirl tops for the school themed disco – we both want to go as naughty (but not slutty!) schoolgirls, but couldn’t really find anything (I tried on a couple of tops, but they were too small – they wouldn’t close over my breasts! I want to go as naughty, but not gonna have my bra on full display!)

Then we went to KFC. Lisa didn’t want her chips, so I had them. Not big at all, only extra small. But that’s still 200 calories. Just not worth it. Have had 700 calories today. Huge amount. In my defense, because I’ve been binging and eating normal meals, I need to ease myself back into eating less. If I don’t ease myself in, then it won’t last and I’ll binge again. So 700 calories today. 600 tomorrow, 500 the day after etc. Then I’m gonna stay between 0-300 calories a day. But need to ease myself in.

We didn’t go out to the movies last night, we were both too tired, so we’re going tonight instead. Gonna see World Trade Center. Gonna cry so much.

Have my first self-defense class tomorrow. It’s kind of stupid though. Where it’s held isn’t far away from me, about a 20 minute walk. But it’s a dangerous 20 minute walk. If you walk alone you’re likely to get mugged or worse. It’s the same if I want to catch the metro by myself. It’s so unsafe. But I’ll have to walk it because I can’t afford a taxi and there’s no bus. Very nervous.

V