I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself today and yesterday. Have been feeling so ill. Woke up on Monday with the room spinning around me and akiller headache. Got up and had a shower, thinking maybe it would help. But I felt so dizzy and faint, had to sit down. It was awful. Was all shaking like crazy. But I got ready for uni, thinking maybe it would pass. Met up with Lisa, she saw me and just said ‘you should be at home in bed’. I sure wanted to be! But I had to make it to the seminar, had to hand in my work.
Throughout the whole seminar I was just thinking ‘please don’t throw up, please don’t throw up’. And my headache got worse. It wasn’t as bad as a migraine, but not far off. I used to get sever mirgraines about 4 times a year, but now I only get them once, maybe twice, a year. But it wasn’t as bad as a migraine, but it sure was getting there.
After the seminar I decided to go home. There was no way I could function properly, and I had visions of me throwin up on the person in front of me, and that wouldn’t have been very fun. I called a taxi and almost threw up. The taxi driver looked very worried and got me home quickly. I literally had my head hanging out of the car window.
Got home, stumbled upstairs (I live on the 3rd floor). Talked to Graham for a bit, but then said I had to go lay down before I passed out. So I lay down and the room started spinning again. Then I got the shivers, I was freezing, just couldn’t get warm. And my head hurt so much, I was almost in tears.
Then my Mum calls me on Skype. She said she had a feeling I wasn’t doing too good and had the urge to call me. Mother’s bond? Who knows. But we talked, she said to take some Perodlan (stuff I usually take for migraines), but I couldn’t. I felt so sick, I tried drinking water but I just gagged it back up again, and couldn’t take the tablet, because I gagged that back up again as well. It was awful.
So then I went to sleep. Was still fully dressed, didn’t have the energy to change into my PJ’s.
Woke up hours later at 11pm with my flatmates making so much noise. My head was pounding, I felt nauseus beyond belief, boiling hot and the room was spinning. I thought I’d died and gone to hell. Was feeling very sorry for myself.
For the next couple of hours I was dozing on and off. It was one of my flatmate’s birthday, which was why they were making so much noise. I wanted to complain, but didn’t. Didn’t want to ruin his day. And couldn’t move or shout even if I had wanted to.
They shut up at about 3am.
I woke up at 7am. Lay with my eyes closed, didn’t have a headache. I thought, brilliant! Won’t have to miss uni! Opened my eyes and the pain was there. Blinded me. Couldn’t move. Hurt so much. Went back to sleep and woke up at 9am.
The sickness feeling had sort of gone away, enough for me to take a perodlan. My headache is now a dull throb and only feel slightly sick. But every time I make a sudden movement – cough, sneeze etc. – the sharp pain is back.
It’s at times like this I want my Mummy!!! I don’t care what people say, no matter how old or independant you are, when you’re ill, you just want your Mum or someone else taking care of you.
But anyway. Enough about that.
When I said in my last entry that I don’t know how to act around people crying or ranting or whatever, it’s because I haven’t had any experience in it. My instinct is to help them in whatever way I can. I want to help people, help them deal with their demons (though perhaps I need to deal with mine first, as Cassia pointed out, can’t have a psychologist with an eating disorder and that cuts herself now! That would be very hypocritical and wouldn’t bode well for patients!!). I just haven’t been taught how to act when people are overcome by their emotions. But I seem to be doing something right, as Graham later came up to me and said thanks for being there for him.
Maybe it’s a case of needing more confidence in myself when it comes to helping others. I dunno. But I do know that being a psychologist is my dream, has been for years. I know you can’t be ‘taught’ how to comfort people, but you can definitly pick up on a few things. And I plan to finish my undergrad, then do my postgrad and the doctorate, so am bound to learn some things! Hehe
But in the meantime, I need to work on healing myself and dealing with my emotions. Eating is still a big problem for me, but that will take a long time to deal with. Cutting not so much. I used to cut a lot as a kid, but stopped. Hadn’t cut for about a year and then I started again. Next time I feel like cutting, I’ll try crying instead.
I’m determined to battle my demons, and win. So help me God, I will get there.