*groan* I’ve put on weight. I had 420 calories yesterday. That’s a lot! Especially cause the day before that I’d had nothing. Urgh. I had a binge. Such a failure.
Am also feeling rather down about my feelings towards Peri. I just… He’s been there for me. When I was stressing about my exams and completely panicking, he was there for me, he calmed me down. When my parents and me were arguing constantly and things were at their worst, he was there for me. (Things at home were pretty bad, this was before I started this diary. Before and around Christmas time Mum and me were arguing all the time, which was causigng Mum & Dad to argue. We couldn’t stand each other. It got so bad that I went to a youth center to see what my options were if I were to move out. And Mum was also talking about leaving Dad and me and just walking away. Dad doesn’t know this, and hopefully he never will. But yeh, Peri was there for me.) When I’m feeling down about myself – doubting myself, my academic abilities, hating how I look, he’s there for me, encouraging me, giving me strength.
I just… My feelings for him aren’t the same as they used to be. Or maybe they are, that’s the problem. This isn’t real. It never was.
This is all me, he’s done nothing wrong, he hasn’t changed, I have. I just don’t know what to do. He’s told me before that life wouldn’t be worth living if I left him. He said that if I left him his life wouldn’t mean anything and he wouldn’t want to continue living. He says I’m the only good thing in his life; he doesn’t get on with his family, he’s not doing so well in work, his best friend is becoming an alcoholic…
I don’t want to hurt him. If I hurt him I hurt myself. I still love him. Agh, this is confusing.
I want to be free as well. I want to be able to go out and have fun, without Peri texting me to check up on me. I want to be able to talk to a guy without wondering if Peri would be mad if he knew (he hates that I have friends that are guys).
I want to enjoy life. I want to be single. Well, I don’t want to be single. But that’s what I deserve. Like I said, I’m not relationship material. And this fake relationship is just wearing me out.
This is a mess.
I can’t break up with him. It would hurt him. I could pretend to be happy with him. After all, I pretend to be happy every day of my life, so what else is new?
I’ve emailed Chiara, told her this. She’s my best friend, though we don’t see as much of each other anymore. But we’re always calling each other, texting and emailing. I trust her with my life. She’s one of the few people I really, truely, honestly, completely trust.
Then there’s the little things that bother me… When I wasn’t sure about my religion, he was presuring me to become a Christian. Not advising – but telling, almost ordering me.
No one fucking orders me to do anything.
And when Chiara was ill in hopsital months back, he was telling me it’s the Devil’s work and by turning to God she would get better. He never sent me a valentine’s card – he didn’t call, text or email. Nothing. Didn’t hear from him on Christmas or New Year. When he got back in touch with his ex he ignored my wishes to keep me updated. He implied that they sent each other a couple of emails and then stopped. He implied they weren’t in contact. Then he calls me crying, saying they’ve been calling each other every night talking for hours and how she confided in him she has HIV. There’s other stuff as well.
I don’t know what to do.