Dear Diary,
*groan* I’ve put on weight. I had 420 calories yesterday. That’s a lot! Especially cause the day before that I’d had nothing. Urgh. I had a binge. Such a failure.
Am also feeling rather down about my feelings towards Peri. I just… He’s been there for me. When I was stressing about my exams and completely panicking, he was there for me, he calmed me down. When my parents and me were arguing constantly and things were at their worst, he was there for me. (Things at home were pretty bad, this was before I started this diary. Before and around Christmas time Mum and me were arguing all the time, which was causigng Mum & Dad to argue. We couldn’t stand each other. It got so bad that I went to a youth center to see what my options were if I were to move out. And Mum was also talking about leaving Dad and me and just walking away. Dad doesn’t know this, and hopefully he never will. But yeh, Peri was there for me.) When I’m feeling down about myself – doubting myself, my academic abilities, hating how I look, he’s there for me, encouraging me, giving me strength.
I just… My feelings for him aren’t the same as they used to be. Or maybe they are, that’s the problem. This isn’t real. It never was.
This is all me, he’s done nothing wrong, he hasn’t changed, I have. I just don’t know what to do. He’s told me before that life wouldn’t be worth living if I left him. He said that if I left him his life wouldn’t mean anything and he wouldn’t want to continue living. He says I’m the only good thing in his life; he doesn’t get on with his family, he’s not doing so well in work, his best friend is becoming an alcoholic…
I don’t want to hurt him. If I hurt him I hurt myself. I still love him. Agh, this is confusing.
But…
I want to be free as well. I want to be able to go out and have fun, without Peri texting me to check up on me. I want to be able to talk to a guy without wondering if Peri would be mad if he knew (he hates that I have friends that are guys).
I want to enjoy life. I want to be single. Well, I don’t want to be single. But that’s what I deserve. Like I said, I’m not relationship material. And this fake relationship is just wearing me out.
This is a mess.
I can’t break up with him. It would hurt him. I could pretend to be happy with him. After all, I pretend to be happy every day of my life, so what else is new?
I’ve emailed Chiara, told her this. She’s my best friend, though we don’t see as much of each other anymore. But we’re always calling each other, texting and emailing. I trust her with my life. She’s one of the few people I really, truely, honestly, completely trust.
Then there’s the little things that bother me… When I wasn’t sure about my religion, he was presuring me to become a Christian. Not advising – but telling, almost ordering me.
No one fucking orders me to do anything.
And when Chiara was ill in hopsital months back, he was telling me it’s the Devil’s work and by turning to God she would get better. He never sent me a valentine’s card – he didn’t call, text or email. Nothing. Didn’t hear from him on Christmas or New Year. When he got back in touch with his ex he ignored my wishes to keep me updated. He implied that they sent each other a couple of emails and then stopped. He implied they weren’t in contact. Then he calls me crying, saying they’ve been calling each other every night talking for hours and how she confided in him she has HIV. There’s other stuff as well.
I don’t know what to do.
V
hey
hmmm from this entry it sounds to me like you definetely should end it… although it hurts someone when you break up with, you are ultimately not being fair to them if youre feelings arent 100% real and more importantly youre not being fair on yourself. you are young, you should be out having fun, and any boyfriend who tries to stop you havin male friends or doing what you want needs to go, believe me! dont ever ever let a man control you…
i know he has been good to you so try and just end it nicely so you can stay friends, if he truly loves you, he will understand.and dont say you wont find love again… your view of yourself is so warped you cant accept someone could love you, but believe me they can and will!!
good luck with it all xxxxxxx
Trust me on this…
You will find a guy who will worship the ground you walk on!! I guarantee it, might take time, maybe years…But you have to be patient, don’t settle for less. Explore your options you are young to get tied down. I was 29 when I got married and they say that was too young.
Give yourself the chance to play the field meet others, date others, so you can experiece life.
Hello
here is how my husband’s weightloss journey begins.
He used to weigh 128 kilo, really heavy. It never bothers him very much, he is a happy guy, very positive and confident about himself. And he has every reason to be. He has lots of friends, people like him, and he is successful at work. The past 2 years, he had been having back pain, and knee pain, his condition was less good, he couldn’t walk too much. So after a few years of me convincing him , he finally changed his mind about "it’s okay to be obese". He tried eating less, going to the nutritionist, they all didn’t help, he lost about 7 kilo and it just stayed the same and his weight wouldn’t go lower than 120kilo and so he gave up, and his weight rised back to 128kilo.
Now he is going thru a very strict weightloss program, where he gets injection to break down his fat tissue, very strict diet with absolutely not oil and sugar is allowed, and medicine to make him feel less hungry. He ‘s been busy with it for 4 weeks now, and he has lost about 13 kilo’s. And he is happy that he is losing weight now, and his physical condition is much better. So within a year he will weigh 80 kilo and that’s his ideal weight for his height.
I just wanna tell u that losing weight is not easy, especially if it’s in the gene’s and my husband had struggled alot with it as well. So now he seek help to lose weight, and it’s okay, he can’t do it on his own and that’s alright. But he didn’t give up and now he is slowly reaching his goal and i am very happy for him!
Let me know what u think of it. I hope his story can inspire u in some way.
Lily
Of course youwill find men that will love you just for you if your not tied down to just one!!! you are about to go away to school where you will find and meet many new people and need to be free to do so. Why is it so important to be tied to one person at your age? It’s not.If you don’t love him that way you don’t don’t there is nothing any one can do about it. you can’t stay with someone out of pity, i’ve done that, it doesn’t work and it’s unfair to both. He was going to kill himself too but a year later he ws married and a year after that he had a daughter and he is happy and I could have ruined that for him had I hung on to our unfair relationship. It also worked out better for me thankfully.He has done no more for you than any great friend would do dear. Can you be friend enough to set him free to find true love is the question? Sometimes you have to hurt someone to be kind.he seems a bit controlling, men from other countries often are as they don’t understand womens attitudes here. good luck and If you love something set if free