Dear Diary,

It’s 2:20AM. Am waiting for my video to finish uploading onto YouTube so I can switch my computer off and go to bed. I’m tired!

Yesterday was alright, didn’t really do anything, just sat around. Did do 30 minutes of sit-ups and various exercises for my stomach. Was exhausted afterwards.

Am going to a dinner party tonight, looking forward to it. We’ve all been told to wear clothing that reminds us of a special time, bring a picture that reminds us of a special time and bring an object that reminds us of a special time.

So I’m going to wear what I wore to the Snoop Dogg concert a couple of years ago (will have to look at the pictures to remind myself). That was a changing point in my life, when I stopped wearing all black and started to experiment with my hair and make-up and different clothes etc.

The picture is going to be the one of me swimming with dolphins – that was an awesome experience, one of the best days of my life!

And the object will be a cardboard box. Like the one we used to bring Snoopy home with us. She’s brought so much joy into our lives. My little kitty. Love her to bits.

On friday am going to a house party, that should be fun. Couple of my friends are going, including CP-SATT.

And on Saturday, CP-SATT is coming to my house. We’re gonna rent a DVD and just chill.

So looks like I’ve got a busy couple of days ahead of me! I like being busy, keeps my mind off of things (how I’m a bitch for dumping Peri, my weight etc).

V

Dear Diary,

Just want to thank everyone for their comments yesterday. Thank you.

I feel kinnda empty right now. Hardly slept last night, kept thinking about Peri. It’s actually over.

He sent me an email, telling me he loves me, that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, that all his friends are jealous, that he wants to be with me etc. I was crying reading it.

For a moment I thought about taking him back. But I gotta stay strong. Then I got another email from him, saying if it’s what I really want then he’ll respect my decision.

I wanted to do this. So why does it hurt so much?

And every bloody TV channel I switch to has somebody dumping someone else.

And I’m binging.

Was talking to Hymie last night, she asked me why, since I did the dumping, I feel so bad.

I can’t just wipe away a whole year’s worth of feelings. I still care about him.

V

Dear Diary,

We broke up. It’s over. Finished.

God it hurts.

Dpitt’s just called me. I think I’ve lost his friendship. Peri is Dpitt’s best friend. So I guess if it comes down to it, he would choose Peri. It just hurts, Dpitt is one of the few people I trust, and now…

Oh God it hurts. Why does it hurt so much?

I’m sitting here crying.

I know he turned out to be a not so nice guy, but you can’t wipe out a whole year. And he’s helped me so much. He’s been there for me.

And… I know he’s the best I will ever do.

V

Dear Diary,

I talked to Mum about how I feel about Peri. She said she would call him. After some conversation, I agreed. So today she called him. I was listening in on another phone.

The conversation between them started alright enough. Until Mum asked what his intentions were with me. The conversation got heated. He expressed some opinions that I had no idea about – he’s a homophobe and he thinks I should become a Christian.

Now I can respect his view. He’s a strong Christian. Nothing wrong with that at all. I’m not though. I believe in God and his son Jezus Christ.

I also know a lot of people are homophobes (and I’m not about to get into that discussion right now). But I’m not. One of my close friends is gay. I very much believe that there is nothing wrong with being gay. I will never change my mind on this. He won’t either.

Then he lied. He told my Mum that I had told him that Dad had told me that I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 21. That is a flat out lie. Then he told her that I was converting to his religion. Another lie. When she asked him if he thought he was being fair to me by staying in this relationship, he said he had told me several times that it might be for the best to split up. Another lie. He told my Mum that his bussines was doing great and he was earning so much money. Then why is he telling me he’s broke and asking me to send him money?

Then he get disrespectful to my Mum. Very disrespectful. Talking down to her, making fun of what she was saying, not letting her talk, being sarcastic and being mean.

Who is this man?

No, it wasn’t fair what I did, have my Mum call him and talk to him. I feel awful for doing that. Putting him on the spot. That wasn’t fair. But he didn’t know I was listening, and to be honest, he was a bastard.

I’m so confused.

I’m such a bad person for doing this.

V

Dear Diary,

*groan* I’ve put on weight. I had 420 calories yesterday. That’s a lot! Especially cause the day before that I’d had nothing. Urgh. I had a binge. Such a failure.

Am also feeling rather down about my feelings towards Peri. I just… He’s been there for me. When I was stressing about my exams and completely panicking, he was there for me, he calmed me down. When my parents and me were arguing constantly and things were at their worst, he was there for me. (Things at home were pretty bad, this was before I started this diary. Before and around Christmas time Mum and me were arguing all the time, which was causigng Mum & Dad to argue. We couldn’t stand each other. It got so bad that I went to a youth center to see what my options were if I were to move out. And Mum was also talking about leaving Dad and me and just walking away. Dad doesn’t know this, and hopefully he never will. But yeh, Peri was there for me.) When I’m feeling down about myself – doubting myself, my academic abilities, hating how I look, he’s there for me, encouraging me, giving me strength.

I just… My feelings for him aren’t the same as they used to be. Or maybe they are, that’s the problem. This isn’t real. It never was.

This is all me, he’s done nothing wrong, he hasn’t changed, I have. I just don’t know what to do. He’s told me before that life wouldn’t be worth living if I left him. He said that if I left him his life wouldn’t mean anything and he wouldn’t want to continue living. He says I’m the only good thing in his life; he doesn’t get on with his family, he’s not doing so well in work, his best friend is becoming an alcoholic…

I don’t want to hurt him. If I hurt him I hurt myself. I still love him. Agh, this is confusing.

But…

I want to be free as well. I want to be able to go out and have fun, without Peri texting me to check up on me. I want to be able to talk to a guy without wondering if Peri would be mad if he knew (he hates that I have friends that are guys).

I want to enjoy life. I want to be single. Well, I don’t want to be single. But that’s what I deserve. Like I said, I’m not relationship material. And this fake relationship is just wearing me out.

This is a mess.

I can’t break up with him. It would hurt him. I could pretend to be happy with him. After all, I pretend to be happy every day of my life, so what else is new?

I’ve emailed Chiara, told her this. She’s my best friend, though we don’t see as much of each other anymore. But we’re always calling each other, texting and emailing. I trust her with my life. She’s one of the few people I really, truely, honestly, completely trust.

Then there’s the little things that bother me… When I wasn’t sure about my religion, he was presuring me to become a Christian. Not advising – but telling, almost ordering me.

No one fucking orders me to do anything.

And when Chiara was ill in hopsital months back, he was telling me it’s the Devil’s work and by turning to God she would get better. He never sent me a valentine’s card – he didn’t call, text or email. Nothing. Didn’t hear from him on Christmas or New Year. When he got back in touch with his ex he ignored my wishes to keep me updated. He implied that they sent each other a couple of emails and then stopped. He implied they weren’t in contact. Then he calls me crying, saying they’ve been calling each other every night talking for hours and how she confided in him she has HIV. There’s other stuff as well.

I don’t know what to do.

V

Dear Diary,

Well this sucks, I didn’t eat a thing yesterday and I didn’t lose any weight. I couldn’t eat during the day cause I was just feeling so sick, but in the evening I was starting to get hungry. I was craving a pizza. But I resisted and didn’t eat anything. Lot of good it did me!

Mum’s talking about havign a girlie night sometime next week – go to the movies, grab a pizza & some ice cream and some magazines and have some fun while Dad’s away on a business trip. The movie idea sounds good. I’ll have to get out of eating pizza.

Am having a small party at mine next Saturday, have invited 20 people. Am gonna move the furniture in the living room to make a dance floor. Have asked people to bring their own booze and music, and if they wanna stay the night to bring their own sleeping bags. Should be fun if enough people show up.

Yesterday was a fun day with the boys. We watched ‘Wolf Creek’. It’s meant to be a horror movie, but it wasn’t that scary. It took ages to set up the scene and only about 20 minutes of the entire movie was scary, and that was because it was more gruesome than anything. I wouldn’t recommend it. There’s also a near rape scene in it. That was unexpected, not nice at all. Brought everything back.

But other than that we had fun. We hung out at the cinema complex and had a laug. Was so much fun. Those guys crack me up. It was fun. Wish we could do it more often, but unfortunately their parents are so bloody strict.

Dad noticed I’ve lost weight, he commented on it and said I’m looking good. I’ve also gone down a belt size, yay! Slowly but surely…

V

Dear Diary,

I feel like shit. Woke up this morning sick as a dog. Have the runs, have taken some immodium. One minute I’m hot, the next freezing cold. I feel as if I’m going to faint any minute and I feel as if I’m gonna be sick.

Not nice. To be honest, I couldn’t eat today even if I wanted to. If I eat something I know I’m gonna be sick – and not by choice! It’s one thing making yourself sick, another being ill and sick. Urgh.

Have only lost 100 grams since yesterday. But think that’s to do with me being ill and having an upset stomach.

I’m going out with some friends today. Part of me wants to cancel, but part of me doesn’t. Dpitt and Schneider are coming round, we’re gonna go to the movies. If I cancel I doubt I’ll see them again until Christmas. Their parents are really strict. They have a 6pm curfew (Schneider is 17 and Dpitt is 20). They always have to ask permission to go out. They’re not allowed jobs. They’re completely dependant on their parents for money. Their parents choose what subjects they take at school and at uni. They’re basically have no control over their own lives. They practically had to beg to be allowed out today, and the parents only told them this morning they could go. The parents think they’re going into town, if they knew they were coming over to mine they wouldn’t let them out (God forbid they have friends that are girls!).

So if I cancel, I doubt I’ll see them again for ages.

I feel like shit.

V

Dear Diary,

Your Brain is 67% Female, 33% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you’re tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

Glad about that!

You Have Your Sarcastic Moments

While you’re not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can’t help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it’s more likely they think you’re hilarious.

Your Quirk Factor: 42%

You’re a pretty quirky person, but you’re just normal enough to hide it. Congratulations – you’ve fooled other people into thinking you’re just like them!

Yay, go me, lol.

Your 1950s Name is:

Gwendolyn Veronica

Eek :-s

You Are 36% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You’re pretty grounded, though you have your occasional paranoid moments. Just make sure to ignore those voices in your head!

My penis name

Your Penis Name Is…

Light Saber

Peri’s penis name

Your Penis Name Is…

Shag Stick

You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat

You are a nice blend of cat and dog. You’re playful but not too needy. And you’re friendly but careful. And while you have your moody moments, you’re too happy to stay upset for long.

Pretty neat

V

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I ate one slice of toast and some scrambled eggs. 220 calories. Urgh. Mum started getting on my case, talking about my metabolism etc. Dad rolled his eyes and made a joke out of it. Then the subject changed to Peri. They were saying how he doesn’t love me, he’s only with me for a visa, he’s nothing, I’m nothing to him etc etc. Way to make me feel good. So I just left the table and cried for a bit in my room.

Oh well, what else is new. When I was a kid Dad was always telling me how fat I was and that I needed to lose weight. He was always saying how nasty my arms are. He probably just wanted to kick me into action. Just made me feel worse about myself. That’s probably one of the reasons why I have such issues with food.

When I came out of my room they were still downstairs arguing about something or other. From what I could hear they were arguing about the paddeling pool. We’ve got one of those big ones for adults and they’re arguing about how much chlorene to put in it. It seems like almost every conversation they have ends up in an arguement. Then they started fighting about how much wine Dad has had to drink.

22 more days… Only 22 more days then I’m outta here. That’s my mantra.

Mum woke me up this morning with some breakfast – a piece of toast and a glass of orange juice. I threw them away. When Mum asked I told her I had eaten it. Don’t think she believed me.

Have lost 900 grams since yesterday. Slowly but surely getting there. Oh so very slowly.

V