I told her. I told Mum. We were both stressed out by the Grandparents, sitting in her room watching TV. The Grandparents had taken over the lounge so we were forced to retreat to our rooms to watch TV.
We were watching Dr. Phil. Wasn’t anything to do with eating disorders, was actually about adoption. We were just talking, then we started talking about weight. Mum was saying how she wants to lose weight. She’s not happy with who she is etc. I said the same. Then we agreed that on Monday we start a diet. We won’t tell anyone, it will just be our thing. Then I told her. I told her I’d been eating between 200-400 calories a day and sometimes puking everything up. I thought she’d shout at me. She just hugged me and said ‘I know. I was waiting for you to come to me to talk about it. I didn’t want to push you, it’s been killing me this whole time.’
I started crying. We were hugging each other and I was telling her. I told her how I hate myself, how there’s not one part of my body I like etc. It was very emotional. Then she said she recognised the signs, because she had made herself sick a couple of times. She had had an eaten disorder when she was younger. Now she has one again, but on the other end of the scale – overeating instead of undereating.
She told me I had to stop, that I was damaging my body, that what I was doing could stop me from having kids. I said I know but I just hate myself so much.
So Mum said she’d help me. We’d get through this together. We’ll continue to lose weight, but we’ll do it the healthy way. We’re gonna exercise together. Go swimming once a week etc. We’re gonna support each other.
I told her we have to eat together, because it’s so easy to eat seperately and for me to say that I’ve had dinner already. She agreed.
We’re not starting the diet today, we’re eating healthier over the weekend, but we both have plans on saturday – she’s going out to a restaurant and I’m having a dinner party, so there will be lots of fattening food.
Mind you, don’t know if I’ll eat any of it. But I told her.
I did the right thing, right?
I don’t know… I think I told her because today is exactly one year since *that* night (which I’m going to write about in a private entry), and I felt like I needed some comforting, and since my parents don’t know about it, I spilt the beans about ana. Was it the right thing?
And… It was a year ago today. One year. It feels like yesterday. I remember everything. When I close my eyes, it’s like I’m back there. I can still feel him, taste him. I’m going to write a private entry about it.