Dear Diary,

I told her. I told Mum. We were both stressed out by the Grandparents, sitting in her room watching TV. The Grandparents had taken over the lounge so we were forced to retreat to our rooms to watch TV.

We were watching Dr. Phil. Wasn’t anything to do with eating disorders, was actually about adoption. We were just talking, then we started talking about weight. Mum was saying how she wants to lose weight. She’s not happy with who she is etc. I said the same. Then we agreed that on Monday we start a diet. We won’t tell anyone, it will just be our thing. Then I told her. I told her I’d been eating between 200-400 calories a day and sometimes puking everything up. I thought she’d shout at me. She just hugged me and said ‘I know. I was waiting for you to come to me to talk about it. I didn’t want to push you, it’s been killing me this whole time.’

I started crying. We were hugging each other and I was telling her. I told her how I hate myself, how there’s not one part of my body I like etc. It was very emotional. Then she said she recognised the signs, because she had made herself sick a couple of times. She had had an eaten disorder when she was younger. Now she has one again, but on the other end of the scale – overeating instead of undereating.

She told me I had to stop, that I was damaging my body, that what I was doing could stop me from having kids. I said I know but I just hate myself so much.

So Mum said she’d help me. We’d get through this together. We’ll continue to lose weight, but we’ll do it the healthy way. We’re gonna exercise together. Go swimming once a week etc. We’re gonna support each other.

I told her we have to eat together, because it’s so easy to eat seperately and for me to say that I’ve had dinner already. She agreed.

We’re not starting the diet today, we’re eating healthier over the weekend, but we both have plans on saturday – she’s going out to a restaurant and I’m having a dinner party, so there will be lots of fattening food.

Mind you, don’t know if I’ll eat any of it. But I told her.

I did the right thing, right?

I don’t know… I think I told her because today is exactly one year since *that* night (which I’m going to write about in a private entry), and I felt like I needed some comforting, and since my parents don’t know about it, I spilt the beans about ana. Was it the right thing?

And… It was a year ago today. One year. It feels like yesterday. I remember everything. When I close my eyes, it’s like I’m back there. I can still feel him, taste him. I’m going to write a private entry about it.

V

Dear Diary,

…Give me strength!!! My Grandparents are driving me crazy. They’re driving the whole family crazy! Nothing any of us do is good enough for them. They complain about my Mum’s cooking (the yorkshire puddings aren’t soft enough, that’s not the right cheese you use for cauliflowercheese etc). They’re complaining about my Mum’s ironing (you need to iron these shorts again, there’s still a crease in it). They complain about the way Mum’s tidying the house. I’m having a casual dinner party on saturday – nothing big, just some friends, no rush, just ognna be quick food etc. They’re saying I have no time, that I must go food shopping ASAP. They’ve been saying this since monday. Who are they to go to someone else’s house and complain about how things are done??

I was watching TV the other day with Mum, watching football – Ghana vs Brazil (was rooting for Ghana, but Brazil won, which was expected. Ghana has done amazing by getting this far). We was sitting watching the match. Nana told me to change the channel so she could watch tennis. There are 3 other televisions in the house. But she had to watch the tennis on this particular TV. So mum said we’d quickly change the channel so she oculd see the score, but that we were watching football. Nana got in a right stress.

Oh, and yesterday her and Mum had a fight and Nana said she wanted to leave and started packing her bags. What was the fight about? We have the blinds down so that the sun doesn’t get in the house and the house stays cool. She complains that she can’t watch TV in the dark because she can’t see anything (right, because the TV doesn’t give off any light – has she never been to the cinema?!). So Mum put the light on. But no, she didn’t want the light on, she wanted the sun. When she didn’t get her way, she went running off and started packing her bag.

It was all for show, obviously. They leave on tuesday. They’re driving me crazy!!

Had a nightmare last night. Was about him.

When will I be able to forget about what happened and live a normal life?!

Haven’t eaten anything today. Can’t bring myself to. I just feel so nasty, all this fat on me. I want to be a skeleton. I know I’ve put on loads of weight. Guess it’s a good thing the scales are broken.

V

Dear Diary,

Very annoying! The keyboard on my new laptop stopped working – I was touching the keyboard, but no matter how hard or soft I touched they keys, the letters would just not appear on the screen. Bugger! Will have to wait untill friday when dad gets back, see if he can fix it. It’s only a couple of days old, shouldn’t be bust already! Am on my old computer now.

Woke up at 6am this monring. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Don’t know what happened, suddenly had all these nasty thoughts. It sounds weird, but it was like I thought things would attack me if I closed my eyes. Thought there were zombies and beasts and whatnot outside and they’d somehow get in. Was starting to get panicked, hard to breath etc. (No, I knew there wasn’t anything there, knew it was all in my imagination – so don’t go thinking I’m seeing or hearing things, cause I’m not.) I dunno. Was half-asleep, so probably something to do with that. I dunno. It’s hard to explain. It’s not like I actually thought there were monsters outside, it’s just… I dunno. Forget it, lol.

Eventually managed to get back to sleep, alarm went off at 7.30. Felt physically sick. Just kept thinking ‘my last exam, shit! This is 20% of my final mark, if I screw this up I’ve failed, this exam will make the difference between an E and an A.’ Just felt so sick. But I ate – had 1/2 banana & a piece of toast.

Was getting ready, had a shower, getting dressed etc. Starting to panic, feeling so nervous, telling myself I’d fail. Then my phone rang – it was Peri . Was so unexpected. He rang to wish me good luck with my last exam. Think he could tell I was panicked by the sound of my voice – he told me to take deep breaths, to calm down, and to have more confidence in myself. He said I’m a smart person and that no matter what happens in this exam that I’ve done my best, which is all anyone can ever do. Then he said that he knows I’m gonna do well anyway, and to stop panicking! Heh.

Told mum what he said – think that made her see that he does care about me. She was king of like ‘oh…’. Made her see that he’s not that bad of guy after all!

Then got to school, talked with a couple of people in my class a bit, they were also panicking – one of them had only started revising the night before!

But yeah, I think it went alright. It’s over and done with now, so am not gonna think about it until result’s day. Nothing I can do about it now anyway! Whooooo, no more exams!!!! Am completely finished with highschool!!!

Am eating properly – or at least trying to. Feel so awful though, like I’m failing. There’s this little voice telling me what a fat loser I am, saying how I can still make up for the weight gain if I stop the foolishness and go back to ana. This is so hard. I don’t know if I can keep this up. Everytime I eat I feel like a failure. A fat failure.

Went to weigh myself, but the scales are broken – which is probably a good thing! I think if I weigh myself and see how much weight I’ve put on, I’ll stop and go back to before.

Anyway. I have so many plans for university. I’d like to join a salsa dance class. Would like to learn French. My parents are thinking about moving to Portugal, if that’s the case I’d like to learn Portugese, but if they’re not moving there then I’d like to learn Spanish. My reasons? Both French and Spanish are widely spoken. And would also like to join a self-defence class. Had thought about it before, then it was suggested yesterday (thanks!) and it have decided to go for it. Those are my plans. Really want to do that.

Hope it works out.

Argh, I feel so fat and nasty!

V

Dear Diary,

I would just like to respond to a comment left to me.

I know people don’t understand eating disorders. Unless you’ve dealt with it personally, how can you? Telling a person with an eating disorder to “get a brain” is like saying to someone that has suffered abuse to “get over it”. It’s like telling people that cut to “just stop”. It’s like telling people that are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex etc to “just stop”. Ever heard of withdrawel symptons?

And I have a brain, thank you very much. You assume that because I have an eating disorder I have no intelligence. I have what some people call a mental illness, so therefore I must be stupid right? I know starvation and purging and over-exercising is unhealthy and could eventually lead to my death. I know that once you get so thin that you’re periods stop that you’re entering a very dangerous stage (am not there yet). I know all this.

After the sexual assault (fine, people can say ‘it was only one night (5 hours to be exact), it’s not like you’ve been repeatedly raped or assualted.’) Sure, I wasn’t raped. It was just one night where a guy forced his dick in my mouth. It was just one night where his hands explored and violated every single part of my body, seeing how many fingers he can get inside of me before breaking my hymen. Yeah, it was only one night. Well that one night was enough.

How can I explain? I want to be so thin that it’s like you can see straight through me. No guy will be able to see me. They won’t want to bother hurting me. Peri says he loves me. He loves me now while I’m fat, if he truley loves me, then he’ll still love me when I’m a skeleton, but no other guy will want to look at me.

My whole life is controlled. My parents controll everything I do. I’m 18, but they’re strict. They control when I go out, where I go out, who I go out with. When meeting new people I’m not allowed to answer for myself – if someone asks me a question, my mum answers for me. I am not allowed to talk. She controls me.
But I control my food intake.

My parents have criticised me my whole life. Growing up my dad was constantly telling me how fat I was. My mum was constantly telling me how awful I looked and how I needed to lose weight (never mind the fact that they’re both obese.) They hate the way they look, so they take it out on me. They have criticised everything about my body, making me hate myself.

I have failed in a lot of things. I’m not a rocket-scientist. I’m not a straight A student. I’m average. There is nothing I do brilliantly in. So how can I describe the sense of accomplishment I feel when I get on the scales and it says I’ve lost 500g since the day before? It feels good. And I know I can lose more.

I’m insecure. I’m awfully insecure. I have a very, very low self-esteem and almost no self-worth. And believe it or not, words hurt. They cut me to the bone. Every insult and person saying ‘just eat a fucking biscuit’ or ‘get a brain’, it’s like someone is physically hitting me. I’m not a punching bag.

But fuck it. I don’t expect you to understand. No one can truley understand anything until they’ve experienced it. But this is my diary, surely I have the right to write something, to write about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, without being criticised and called stupid? If you just want to come to my diary to criticise me, then please just leave. I can do without such comments, thank you very much.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions – but at least make your comments constructive rather than just plain nasty!

Anyway, sorry about that little rant. Moving on.

I’ve eaten a cheese sandwhich today. The calories in that… Am trying not to think about it. Am trying to get better. Am trying to beat this. If I can get through this week then I think I can do this. If not, then I’ll just have to resign myself to living a life with ana.

Did anyone watch the match between the Netherlands and Portugal?? What a dirty match that was! It looked like it was about to break out into a fight any minute. And the refuree was awful – he had no control of the match at all, the players were walking all over him. He gave something like 14 or 15 yellow cards, in one match! And he sent of 4 players. Crazy! Mind you, they were playing very dirty.

V

Dear Diary,

Am using my laptop. It’s awesome! Am connected to the landline at the minute, but next weekend we’re gonna go shopping for a wireless access box thing, then I’ll be able to access the internet from anywhere in the house/garden. Soooo cool!! It’s an awesome laptop, and even have my own webcam!! Hehe, anyone wanna chat online on MSN? Hehe.

We celebrated Father’s Day today. I know it was last Sunday, but we celebrated it this Sunday, as my Grandad wasn’t here then, and Mum wanted to celebrate it with him as well. I got Dad a guiness coffee cup (he loves beer, especially guiness) the DVD ‘walk the line’ (he loves Johny Cash) and 2 of his favourite chocolate bars.

Am trying to eat normal today… I’m feeling so low and so miserable and I know half the problem is my ED – ednos, anorexia, whatever you want to call it. I’m losing weight, but my self-esteem and self-worth is at an all-time low.

Guess you’re gonna be reading a lot about my struggle to be normal. Even though I’m eating, I feel bad, I keep thinking I shouldn’t. But damn it, I just want to be happy. I want to like the person I am. I want to like the body I’m in. I want to feel happy with myself, my life.

I can do this.

Right?

V

Dear Diary,

Haven’t weighed myself. Am not going to. I’m on my periods and I always gain weight on my periods. I just don’t want to know what I am at the minute. WIll weigh myself in a couple of days when it’s no longer that awful time of the month. Can’t wait till I’m thin enough so my periods will stop!

Thinking about Peri again and what someone in the Ana-community said. She said no one is as perfect as he is. And she’s right. He says all the right things at all the right times. He says everything – and I mean everything – I want to hear when I want/need to hear them. He’s almost too perfect. Guys like that just don’t exist. In fact, people like that just don’t exist! The only people like that are people that are putting on an act so they can marry for a visa…

Went to the movies today. Was meant to be going in a big group. But we got our wires crossed. Some of us thought we were gonna go to the 1pm showing, others thought the 3pm showing. A lot of people cancelled. So it ended up being Johny (my dance partner), John and me. Was the first time I met John. He seems like a cool guy, new guy in town. He’s kinnda cute. American. Thin as anything – so jealous! Lol!

But anyway, we all went to see ‘the break-up’. Was a good movie! Funny, the guys seemed to like it. That’s the 4th movie I’ve seen since last saturday (saw Ultraviolet last saturday with Tom & Emma, was altight. Monday I saw the DaVinci Code with my mum – good movie, not as good as the book, but still good. On wednesday I went to the movies with Ana and saw Poseidon – great movie!).

We walked around a bit, chatted etc. Was fun. At one point we went to Pizza Hut. Was sooo tempting to have something. But I didn’t. Just ended up having diet coke. Told the guys I ate a big breakfast. Was very tempting, but I resisted. Haven’t eaten anything today. Have told my parents am ill, so don’t have to eat dinner. Cool.

Felt sick before though. We were walking around town, it was pretty hot. Hadn’t eaten all day. Didn’t get much chance to drink… So was pretty dehydrated and think I got a little bit of sunstroke Felt really sick on the bus ride home. Was awful. Was all shaky. Have had 2 bottles of water since I got home 20 minutes ago. Feel a lot better now.

Dad came home! He was in the States on a business trip. He bought me a laptop!! (Well, I gave him the money so he could buy one, cause they’re cheap in the States) Was 400 dollars. That same one would have cost about 1200 dollars over here.

Am completely broke. As in, I only have 7 euros left in my bank account. Whoops… Not good.

Feeling real down at the minute. Have been fighting the urge to cut. It’s just everything. Thinking Peri might not love me (which is looking more and more likely, have been reading through the texts and emails he sends me and they just don’t ring true. Too corny. Like he’s trying to soften me. Unless I’m just too skeptical. I just don’t know), my weight, the fact that it’s been almost one year since that awful night where I was assaulted. Feeling like shit in general. I don’t know how to escape this emptiness and miserableness I’m feeling. I just feel so down… dare I say depressed?

V

Dear Diary,

My Nana is driving me crazy. Don’t know how much more I can take. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but she drives me mental.

I have a hearing problem. Doc said if it was any worse I’d need a hearing aid. But it’s not so I’m good. It does mean that I have trouble hearing, especially if people mumble or talk quietly. If they’re facing me it’s not usually a problem as I manage to lip-read a bit, but if they’re not facing me then I have a bit of a problem. It’s like that when watching movie’s – I have trouble hearing what they say, so I always have the subtitles on.

Well my Nana hates the subtitles. When I told her why I needed them, she started making fun of me. For the whole movie she wouldn’t stop, then mum joined in. They thought it was hilarious ‘deaf Vicky can’t hear the movie! she needs subtitles on. hahahaa!’

Yeh, fucking hilarious. I’m not kidding – the entire movie they were doing that. If they’d said it once or twice then sure, maybe it would have been funny. But the entire movie?!

And she complains about everything. Aparantly I’m not studying the right way and I’m not studying enough. I should do it her way. And my room isn’t to her liking, there’s too many posters up and too much ‘silly decorations’. She complains when I eat the strawberries that I bought. She wants to go shopping for some Tshirts but then makes out that it was me who made her go out shopping (excuse me?! I had to stop studying to take her shopping and she has the nerve to say that I forced her to go shopping so she could buy Tshirts?! I gave up 3 hours of studying for her!). She talks to me like I’m a stupid little kid. Stupid stuff like that. She’s driving me crazy!

*takes deep breath* Sorry about complaining. I love her, but she really is driving me crazy. Am probably more bothered by her than I normally would be because I’m on my period (can’t wait till I’m thin enough so I won’t have to deal with them!) and I’m stressed about my last exam on wednesday.

Only 9 more days to go until they leave…

Give me strength!

V

Dear Diary,

THE TV PEOPLE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!! I’ve been chosen for the pre-selection!!!!

I wasn’t in when they called, my Grandad took the message and told me when I got back (I’d gone shopping with my Nana, Mum & Ana – bought some earrings and a necklace). So I called the number that Grandad had written down, but it kept saying ‘the number you have called is not in service’. I was just thinking, ‘no, no no!!’.

I checked my cell phone (had left it at home charging as it had run out of battery) and it said I had a msised call. The number was the same as the one Grandad gave me except there was an extra digit. So I called it, and voila!

The lady asked me questions – how old am I, am I available for 2 months straight (I said yes as I’m a student on holiday), then she asked me where I was born. I said Dipton, England. Then there was silence.

“Oh, England?”

“Yes, but I’ve lived here all my life.”

“But you’re not Belgian? Do you have a Belgian identity card?”

“I have a Belgian residency permit. A perminant one.”

“But you’re not Belgian?”

“No, but I’ve lived here all my life, it’s my home, I grew up here and go to school here.”

“I see.”

Then she asked me some more questions and said that they’d call me within 2 weeks to let me know whether I’m chosen for the final selection. But what are the chances of that?? To even get chosen for the pre-selection is amazing. Whooo!!!!

But I think me being British and not Belgian will go against me. Doesn’t matter that I’ve lived here all my life. Doesn’t matter that I’m an integrated member of the Belgian society. Doesn’t matter that I speak the language better than my supposed mother-tongue (english). Doesn’t matter that I know more about the Belgian culture than ‘my’ (British) own culture and that I feel like Belgium is my home and England is a place I go on holiday. I’m not Belgian born, so I’m not a proper citizen. Sucks huh?

Hehe, guess you can see why I think countries should let refugees in, as techincally I’m a refugee. Sort of. Not really. But there are similarities. I’m living in a country that’s not my own, though to me it feels like it.

(Before you start throwing tomatoes at me because I said I sympathise with refugees, let me clarify; if they are willing to integrate with the country’s culture and learn the language and be a useful member of society, then I agree with it. I don’t agree if they demand special attention and demand that people should learn their language etc.)

But yeah. How cool???

*fingers crossed* Please let me go to the finals!!

The chances are very slim, but hey, you never know.

V

*Warning; if you’re recovering from anorexia or any other eating disorder, leave now. This entry contains thinspiration/trigger pics. Seriously, don’t blow your recovery, leave now!*

Dear Diary,

Only lost 300grams since yesterday. Damn. Why did I eat ‘normal’ on the weekend? That’s put me back like 2 kg. What was I thinking? Am paying for it now I guess. Now everytime I lose some weight I’ll be thinking ‘you could be 2kg lighter if you hadn’t been so stupid.’

Every time I look in the mirror I just see this fat, ugly cow. It’s funny, beauty to me is this:

and this:

and this:

To me, they’re beautiful. To the rest of society they are not. That’s what I want to be. No guy will look at me, but I will be & feel beautiful. That’s all I want.

It’s actuallly pretty hard to get out of eating at the minute. Normally we eat seperatly, the only meal we eat together as a family is dinner on sunday. But now with my grandparents here, we’re always eating together. But not to worry, I’ll think of something, always do. I can always puke it up later, but I don’t particulary enjoy doing that.

Bought some new lingerie. Very sexy. (Not sexy on me of course, look nasty on me.) But hey. Even though I look awful in it, I love buying it. I just love lingerie.

Mum & Grandad have gone to the airport to pick up this girl, Ana. (As in Ana is her actual name, nothing to do with anorexia at all.) Her parents are friends of the family, and she’s coming to Belgium for a few days to sight see, so she’s staying at ours.

My last exam is in exactly 1 week! Can’t wait till they’re over!!

V