Every time I think things can’t get any worse, they do.
One of my parents is having an online affair. I was using their laptop (which they had given me permission to use) and a message popped up. Automatically, I clicked on it. I wish I hadn’t.
In it, it said in detail what would happen when they met up. The other person lives in America. My parent signed it ‘love you’.
I just can’t believe it. I was in shock. My parents kept asking me what was wrong, I kept telling them nothing. I went outside for a smoke. The parent in question came outside with me and asked me what was wrong. I said that I saw the message.
The parent responded by saying that that message wasn’t meant for me, that I shouldn’t have seen it. But that things hadn’t been right in their marriage for over 10 years. That they hadn’t been physical with each other for 10 years. That they loved each other, but weren’t in love with each other. That they had grown to be best friends and nothing more.
The parent asked me what I planned on doing. I said I didn’t know.
I talked with Jane. She said that I must remember that a marriage is between two people, that whatever they decide to do has nothing to do with me. I know this. She said I have to remember that they both love me and nothing will change that. I know this.
The parent wants to meet the Horrible American (HA), to see if what they have is real. I said that I would have no part in it. I said that I will keep the secret, for now. I said that it’s killing me, because I love both my parents. I don’t want to keep this from my other parent, but how could I possibly tell them? I said that if I found out that the parent went to visit HA, that I’m not sure I could stay quiet. It’s one thing knowing that my parent is having an affair, it’s another to help cover it up. My parent then responded by saying ‘well, if you do tell, that will be the end of the marriage’.
Guilt trip, anyone?
I am old enough to know that a marriage is between two people. I am old enough to know that I can’t stop my parent from continuing this affair. But I won’t have any part in it. I will not cover for my parent. I will not help my parent get away with this affair.
I’m staying out of it.
But I’m reeling. Completely and utterly reeling.
The past 10 years have been a lie. I always wanted a marriage like my parents – a good, strong marriage. Now I discover that it’s all been a lie. Does true love even exist? Is any marriage strong? Does any marriage survive?
I asked my parent if they would consider going for couple’s counselling. The parent replied that over the years, they had tried to convince the other parent to go for counselling, but the other parent refused. And now the parent in question doesn’t want to try anymore. Instead, the parent wants to meet HA and see if this thing between them is real.
I asked, well what if it is real, what will you do? I don’t know, was their response. And if it’s not real, what will you do? Again, I don’t know.
I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I CAN’T DO THIS.
I miss my best friend. I miss Lynsey. She always knew the right thing to say, even if she didn’t have any answers, she knew what to say.
But she’s dead. She’s been dead for almost 4 weeks now.
I’m lost without her. So lost.
My whole life is falling apart. My best friend is dead. One of my parents is having an affair. I have nightmares almost every night. My depression is still bad. So is my PTSD. I will be facing the man that abused me as a child, in November. Uni won’t let me back until the trial is over.
My life is falling apart.
I want Lynsey back. Oh God, I want Lynsey back.
I still feel numb. I haven’t had a proper cry yet. Of course, I cried when Stu told me. But I haven’t had a proper cry. Because when I do, it means she’s really gone.
I’ve been emailing her a lot. Just writing to her. It’s cathartic.
All my text messages have gone. My phone’s been acting up lately, and every single text message has gone. I’m not fussed about most of them. But the ones from Lynsey… I’m going to take it to the shop I bought it from and ask them to fix it. I want those texts back.
My Mum is getting on my nerves. There’s this game on facebook that she plays – all the time. Dad and I have talked to her about it. And talked. And talked. Every time we do talk, it gets better for a while, but a few weeks later it’s back to the same old.
It’s called Dragons of Atlantis. She plays it constantly. When she’s cooking. When she’s watching TV. When she’s on the loo. The only time she doesn’t play it is when she’s asleep or we force her to go out. And not just that – but she’s on the phone with people from the game all the time.
We were in the car the other day, starting off our journey to go down south to help out with Nana – who has been discharged from hospital. As soon as we’re in the car, one of the players calls. It’s ruling her life. All she can talk about is this game or the people from the game. I’m sick of it. Dad’s sick of it. Even my Aunt is sick of it.
Yet she won’t admit she has a problem.
We’re down south, helping out with Nana. She’s been discharged and is at home, but she struggles. She has difficulty remembering things and has difficulty processing thoughts and getting the right words. Mum just sits in the lounge on her damn laptop or is on the phone talking to one of the players.
I’ll walk in to the lounge and Nana will be looking lost or confused. I ask her what’s wrong and she tells me – in her roundabout way – that she can’t remember how to change the TV channel, or where the toilet is, or how to change the volume on the TV or that no one is talking to her. Mum is sitting right there on the sofa, playing the game. She doesn’t even look up from her laptop. So of course I help – I don’t mind helping, it’s why I’m here. But how long was Nana confused for? How long has she been trying to do something and Mum is oblivious?
Mum is cooking dinner now. But she’s still on her laptop. I wanted to go out to the shops to get some things – cigarettes and a tooth brush. We were going to leave in the morning. Except Mum was on the phone talking to one of the players. Three hours later, she was finally ready to leave.
I’m sick of it. It’s affecting her relationship with everyone around her. Dad is fed up and to be honest, if she continues like this, then their marriage won’t last.
I know Mum is going through a tough time right now. But so am I.
I’ve just lost my best friend in the entire world – the one person I told everything to. The one person that would kick me up the arse when I needed to. The one person that I would go to hell and back for. My friend soul mate. She’s dead. I’m going to face my rapist in court in November. The uni might not let me back for another year, until the trial is over. I’m worried about my Nana. I have nightmares almost every night. I have PTSD. And now I have to be worried about my parents’ marriage? When we’re at home, Mum and Dad are constantly arguing about this game and the people she talks to.
And now she says that for her 50th birthday she wants to go to America for a week to meet some of the people from this game. Forget about spending time with us. Forget about going on holiday with us. No, she wants to meet people from this game.
I’m sick of it.
And the one person I would talk to about this would be Lynsey. She would give me some rock-solid advice. She would help me see things in a different light. But she’s gone.
My best friend is dead, and all Mum can do is play this fucking game and talk to her online friends.
Well fine, fuck you too, Mum.
Lynsey died on Tuesday. She went peacefully in her sleep.
I think I’m still in shock. I can’t believe it. I’m seeing her in the Chapel of Rest tomorrow.
Anything is setting me off at the minute.
I want her back, so much.
She’s gone, my best friend is gone. She was only 25. She hadn’t even celebrated her first wedding anniversary yet. She was desperate to be a mum.
She shouldn’t be dead.
Oh God, it hurts so much.
I’ve been struggling recently. Just when I start to get used to something, it seems like something else happens that knocks me for six.
I find out on the 6th June what my rapist will plead. It was meant to be last week, but for some reason it was delayed. I’m having to fill in forms to grant the police access to my medical records. I know it’s for the best, but it also means that my rapist will have access to them.
Lynsey is still waiting for new lungs. She’s just finished a new course of IVs. She really needs new lungs. She’s constanly exhausted and spends most of her days sleeping. Her and Stu are going on holiday to Scotland, which I think will do her good. She knows she probably won’t be able to leave the house they’re renting, but it will do her good to have a change of scenery. They’ll be near the Isle of Skye, so the scenery will be stunning.
Nana is still hanging in there. There’s been no change in her condition. We just need to wait for the blooaround her brain to drain before the true extent of the damage is known. Mum says that she’s glad that I can tell her things that the doctors haven’t told her. I want to be a neuropsychologist, and will be working with the type of injury that Nana has, so I can explain to the rest of the family why certain things are happening, why she seems to be improving one day and the next day she doesn’t recognise anyone.
I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday for my shoulder. They think I may have rheumatoid arthritis. I really hope I don’t. I had blood taken and that’s been sent off for some tests, and I have another doctor’s appointment on Friday. What happens next depends on the blood test results. In the meantime, I’m still on painkillers that aren’t doing anything, so am constantly in pain. As such, I am constantly tired.
Yet I can’t seem to sleep. When I do sleep I have nightmares – mostly about him. So I’m always tired. I will be glad when this year is over, it just seems like the hits keep coming.
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. A lot has happened.
My Nana was rushed to hospital with a massive brain bleed, causing her to have a neurological stroke. She’s been moved to the stroke ward. She drifts in and out of consciousness and has been put on a feeding tube, as she can’t swallow. She can’t talk either. Grandad is there visiting every day and holds her hands. He says that she recognises him as she squeezes his hand and smiles at him, but the doctors think that that is wishful thinking. We’re unsure if she’s going to make it, or if she does, then she will need 24/hour care and will have to be put in a home. Nana always said she would rather be dead than not be able to look after herself and be put in a home. Mum’s gone done to help out with things – Grandad is at the hospital all the time and my Aunt that lives with them only has one arm and is holding down two jobs, so Mum has gone down to help with cooking and cleaning
I find out on May 22nd what’s happening with the court case and trial. Hopefully it will all be over soon. But I’m dreading going on the witness stand. I will be behind a screen so he can’t see me and I can’t see him, but I’m dreading it. I’ve heard so many horror stories about how the defence tears rape victims apart. I’m struggling to keep myself together as it is, I don’t know how I will fare on the stand.
I’ve also hurt my shoulder. I somehow managed to dislocate my collar bone. It’s now back in place, but it’s agony. It’s been almost 2 weeks now, so the doctors have booked me in for an MRI to see what’s wrong.
Uni is hard. I’ve decided not to do the exams this year. Instead, I’m requesting to repeat the 2nd year. I’ve hardly attended any lectures, and while I’ve passed all the written work, it’s not exactly been great. All the lecturers need to approve, but I had a meeting with a few of them, so it hopefully shouldn’t be a problem.
Truth be told, I’m struggling. I feel like I have so little energy left. I’m terrified about the trial, I’m still having nightmares and my PTSD is pretty bad at the minute. I’m hardly sleeping. I’m so worried about Nana. I mean, she’s an absolute dragon and we’ve had our difficulties, but she’s my Nana and I love her. I’m in constant pain with my shoulder. I’m worried I’m never going to finish uni.
Am so stressed at the minute. Even Dad noticed. He said he was shocked when he saw me a few weeks ago, he said I looked like I was near breaking point. I feel near breaking point. I’m just so, so tired.
I messed up my diet last night. I was doing so well. Becca came round, who is a binge eater. We ended up getting high and I binged as well. I had pizza, chips and an easter egg. I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I would. I feel dissapointed in myself that I messed up the diet – but it has made me realise that it will never happen again. I slipped and fell off the wagon and I didn’t enjoy it. It’s made me determined that it will never happen again.
First day of Lent today. Instead of giving something up, I’m taking up something. My church has recordings of the New Testament available for download (here’s the link if you’re interested – http://www.biblesociety.org.uk/products/1359/49/you_ve_got_the_time_audio_files/). It’s 40 recordings, and it covers all of the New Testament.
I’ve lost another 1.3kg, bringing my total weight loss to 8.8kg (19.4 lbs). Feeling pretty good about it.
It was quite difficult this weekend as I had a friend staying and I took her to loads of places, I so wanted to eat cake with her. Who? Chiara! Remember her? I was almost convinced that she wouldn’t be able to make it, as so many times before, things had happened to stop her from coming. But she made it, and we had a great time.
She had to tell her Mum that she was visiting someone else, as her Mum hates me. She says I’m a bad influence, as I encourage Chiara to stand on her own two feet. She had to check in with her 3 times a day. They are completely co-dependent on each other, it’s not healthy. Chiara realises this, and is trying to take a few steps back, but her mum refuses to let Chiara go.
But anyway. We had a great time. We watched movies, went shopping, saw a musical at my college, went to church and just had a great time. Unfortunately Chiara didn’t like the service at church and didn’t agree with it – but at least she was willing to come and give it a go.
I had a bit of a breakthrough at church. When we were praying, I started praying about him. I said that I knew that he was one of His children and to help him find his way towards Him, and to help rid my heart of the hatred and negativity I feel towards him.
I wasn’t planning on praying for him at all. But it just happened, it felt right. I know I’ve taken a massive step towards forgiving him and healing. It’s also good to be going back to church – I had been neglecting it before. But it always helps and reminds me that God and Jesus are always there, and that I should be grateful for the life that I have, and to never stop asking for forgiveness.
It was great going. And I spoke to one of the Ministers, Lyndsey. She’s so lovely. I told her a bit about what was going on with me, as she’d noticed that I hadn’t been around recently. She’s given me her card and said that if I’m interested it would be nice to meet for coffee. I’m definitely going to get in touch with her. She’s a great Minister and a lovely person.
So, it’s been a pretty good week and weekend. I’m absolutely wrecked now, as Chiara and I had a tendency to chat through the night. It was great seeing her again though – even though it had been years since we last saw each other, there was no awkwardness, we just picked up where we left off.
I’ve lost another 1.7kg (3.7lbs) this week. Woohoo! It’s not easy, but I feel good about this diet. And the weekly sessions with the other ladies is a lot of fun.
Went out with Becca yesterday. We went to see a play at her college and then had a chat in the bar. She’s struggling quite a bit. But we had a really nice time, and we talked about God. She’s an athiest, but she had a lot of questions. She wasn’t trying to dissprove me (which I find a lot of athiests do), she was just curious. A few questions I couldn’t answer, so I’m going to have to ask some other Christians – she had some really good questions.
I finished a report that was due in. Don’t think I did very well on it. Pretty sure I passed, but not by much. In better news, I got an essay back and I got 67%. That’s a 2.1 – that is awesome! Was absolutely thrilled with it.
I’m doing okay. I find out at the end of next week or the beginning of the week after whether or not there will be a trial. He is pleading at the end of the week. Not really sure how I feel. A bit jumbled up, really.
I’ve lost another 1.2kg. That’s 5.8kg in total (12.8lbs). Not bad in one week! Still a long way to do, and it’s difficult. But I’m determined to do it. Group session was really good – they’re a lovely bunch of ladies and we have a laugh, as well as learn about the associations we make with food. And the foodpacks we get are nice as well. Am so pleased I joined.
Weekend is almost over. Way too short.
Have been socialising a bit more with my friends. Was nice seeing people. Was at Anna’s last night and she introduced me to ‘Game of Thrones’ – a great series! Leaves you hanging on the edge of your seat. It’s a fantasy/hisotrical/suspense series – love it.
I’ve realised that I wrote down the essay deadlines wrong. For most of them, they’re not due in until a month later. Huge weight off my mind. Was panicking, as I thought I had 2 due in this coming week and one the week after. Turns out I have one due in this week and then a couple of weeks break. Though I might make a start on them, so that I’m on top of things.
Still feeling pretty low, but I’m managing. Just plodding along. I’ve realised that due to my insane sleeping habbits I’ve been missing quite a lot of anti-depressants, which probably explains why I’ve been feeling so low.
Will be calling Mick (police liason officer), as he hasn’t given me an update. It’s kind of annoying, he never calls when he says he will. Several times now, I’ve had to chase him up for information to keep me informed.