asd

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. But as soon as I am depressed the first instinct is to come back here and put it down in writing.

I did something stupid, a while back now, and am now paying for it as I deserve to be. I hate myself for it, but it only compounds on the original hatred I have held for myself for as long as I can remember.

There is nothing I can do to right the wrongs, nothing I can do to hel the hurt, except wait for time to work it’s magic. BUt I don’t have time. I have 7.5 weeks until the baby is due and if things aren’t at least party fixed by then, our little Eliza is going to be coming into a pretty shitty start to life. I know there are kids with worse, at least we are trying to make things work, but I still hate it.

All I do these days is cry. It only takes the slightest thing to set me off, and the slightest pain in my stomach and I just can’t cope. The slightest rejection from Ash, even though he is perfectly entitled to push me away as much as he likes, makes me want to give up and just leave. I spend so much time denying myself the only way of taking away the hurt that I know. It’s not an answer, and it only makes things worse in the long run.

I just don’t know if I can get through this.

7 thoughts on “asd

  1. I am so very sorry to hear this. I know I am too far away to help you, but I want to lend you all the strength and courage I have to get through this. Take care and much love to you.

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