I am so mentally exhausted at the moment, I think I am coming down with something.
We spent the weekend at the Island with mum and P helping them paint the carport and the decking, bro and him came down for the Friday night to help on Saturday as well. We had planned to take a few people down, but mum said no in the end because of the work that needed to be done, so we are going down with a big group this Friday night. We worked our butts off to get it all painted, and we got in swimming, and many walks with the dog on the beach, but still no sleep for me, I don’t know why I can’t sleep, but I just can’t.
I went swimming after work last night, seeing as the temperature was just hot enough to take the frigid cold edge off the water at the pool, it was really refreshing, and I got home very tired and was glad of that. I cooked dinner, couldn’t eat it, let mark eat 1.5 meals instead, made some chocolate mousse for myself instead, of course I could eat that! Fell into bed hardly able to keep my head up at 9:30, and then I had nightmares about giant spiders all night and woke up in a cold sweat quite a few times, another night of broken sleep.
We got our new couches on Sunday, and Mark remembered to bring home his old ugly brown vinyl dining chairs from his mums yesterday, so our lounge/dining room is finally all set up how we want it (well except for the ugly chairs and table). Mark is worried about getting 12 people in at Xmas, but the kids will be outside most of the time (weather permitting) and we have the large covered carport area outside as well, so I think it will be fine.
We have bought so much stuff for our Xmas Eve, we are trying to do a little bit each week to avoid bankrupting ourselves over it. My mum wants to give us money towards it seeing as she isn’t doing much in the way of cooking etc (she can’t cook hehe) but we told her not to, she has helped us out so much already, I believe she told me to shut up and listen to my mother at that point *chuckles*. I am trying so hard to resist the bags and bags of chocolate we have sitting in the spare room though.
Well it appears that the person who caused all the dramas here (just before musik left) and ended up quitting as a result, is going to accompany her husband to the work Christmas Party after all, should make for an eventful night! LOL… Paul actually suggested we should fly Musik back for the event and not worry about a DJ for entertainment *evil grin* At the moment I am trying to organise vegan and halal alternatives for those with actual beliefs in this place! It is so complicated, I wouldn’t be an event organiser for quids, and to think I used to want to do it for a living! Freak.
I am going to go home early tonight, I need to just sit and relax and try not to stress over everything, I need a long break from work really, but that isn’t possible, I have no leave available really. I am taking 9 days in January but that is still 7 weeks away.
Somehow it has gotten to be 4:45, and I am going home now… I don’t even remember writing this much!
I had another dream about him last night… I can manage to cure my waking moments, but not those underlying thoughts…
They used to be bad dreams though, ones that reaffirmed my decisions in my life, now I don’t remember them, but wake up feeling like I did the last time we were together, nearly 3 years ago, with a contented smile.
Maybe it would help if he didn’t smile at me at work? Must go tape his mouth shut. Yep. Now.
I think I will go home early. My boss’ wife is expecting their second baby tonight so he has gone for the day and won’t be in tomorrow unless it is a false alarm, but she is a few days over due now, so I doubt it.
I feel so hollow all the time lately, something has to happen soon to replenish whatever is missing… I just wish I knew what it was!
It is 2:00pm on a Friday, I have been at work for approximately 45 minutes after getting off a plane from Sydney at 12:30 and I am so tired I cannot even think.
The event ended up being a success for the most part, nothing went wrong so we cannot complain, there were just a lot of little niggly things, and I am not happy with our ad agency for how a lot of things ended up. Particularly the balance on my AMEX at the moment, I am going to have some explaining to do, and I don’t even know where to start with it, none of it was my idea.
Our reps played silly buggers all night, all of them lie, they are all out for themselves, and I get caught in the middle, and I cannot be bothered with it anymore. 2 of them I really like, one I used to like reasonably well and one of them I have always disliked and now there is all this drama, and I hear all the sides of it, and no one will let me walk away without expressing an opinion, and I don’t know what to say, I JUST DON’T CARE is what I feel like screaming, I want to change my life, I want to work for myself, I don’t want to deal with this stuff anymore, my mind is unravelling and I am so desperately unhappy and for some reason, desolately lonely.
I know these feeling will dissipate somewhat after a few hours of rest, but rest seems so far out my reach as the glaring red numbers tick over on my clock, on everyone’s clocks…
I need a hug. I need my husband.
I have had the worst few days at work, there are nowhere near enough hands on deck at the moment, but it can’t be helped. I haven’t slept longer than 2 hours a night for the last 4 days as I keep waking up stressing about things going wrong with this product launch in Sydney tomorrow. It might help if my boss didn’t keep running around reminding everyone that “the fate of the free world rests on tomorrow going smoothly”!!! Bastard.
So I am driving myself nuts, I am driving Mark nuts, and everyone I work with thinks I am a raving bitch at the moment, but so be it, it cannot be helped at the moment.
My MSN name has been “Can Everyone Just Fuck Off and Die Now” for the last 2 days… so I think I have pissed off my friends also.
*yawn* so tired.
It was our first wedding anniversary on Monday night, and I was so tired and depressed from work, poor Mark. He bought me flowers and a card and we went out for dinner, we were going to go to the movies, but I didn’t have the energy, so we bought a DVD (Spun) and went home to chill out with chocolate. Oh yeah, and we went Xmas shopping. Have I mentioned before I fucking HATE Xmas? And that I didn’t want a tree? Well we got a tree. Did I mention how much less I wanted fairy lights than a tree? Well we got fairy lights. How much less I wanted coloured fairy lights than white ones? Well we got coloured ones.
Gah I hate Xmas.
I do enjoy Xmas shopping though, I love buying presents for people, I just wish I didn’t have to go to Satan’s Pits Of Hell (also known as shopping centres) to complete the tasks…
Well only 50 minutes left (in theory) in today’s work day, I was here til nearly 7 last night and ended up going to bro’s house for dinner, we made him cook us dinner after our horrible days at work. Mark was at a market research thingy earning us some extra moneys.
My brain is so disconnected. I am fried.
The office hasn’t really has time to be quiet, but I still miss Musik. I come in in the morning with my usual rant about whatever went wrong on the way to work, and there is no one to listen to me I am a sad case aren’t I?
It is H’s birthday today, but no one remembered, he rang everyone before to invite us all out for dinner, so of course I had to say yes! I am sure it will be fun, but I am so tired and my head is aching, I will tkae some drugs and have a couple of drinks before I leave home tonight I think (shhhhhhhhhhhh to anyone who is thinking of objecting)!
Then tomorrow I am taking my brother clothes shopping. Mum gave him some money to shop with, so he can buy a new wardrobe before he goes overseas in January (to prevent his rather shabby clothes from making a bad impression). *chuckles* should be fun.
Tomorrow night is TISM. YAY! Agression outlet ahoy! And maybe another drunken cheeseburger attack for my brother (12 patties this time methinks)…. although he is on a health kick at the moment, I shouldn’t encourage him to break that, he is too skinny, he needs to fatten up and for some odd reason he only does so when he cuts out fatty foods and eats healthy… lucky bastard!
We are in the process of trying to raise enough money to completely fix our cars, Mark is trying to sell off all his lophophora cactii (peyote) to some garden places, he has about $3k worth of them… *fingers crossed*
Agh 20 minutes til the weekend starts.
I want to go home. NOW.
And the day rolls on and on and on….
On another note, it appears I am off to NZ again in about 10 days or so, I might try to angle it so I can go over for the Thursday and Friday and maybe have the Saturday off there to do some sightseeing, it looks like such a lovely place!
So Sydney next week… then NZ again the week after… aren’t I the jetsetter?
I completely lost it on Saturday morning. I couldn’t bring myself to write about it yesterday with Mark sitting next to me as I typed away. He went through it with me once, he didn’t need to relive it, but as usual for me, I cannot stop analysing every little thought, every tear…
We got home about 11:30 from my brother’s after Musik’s dinner, and I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I finished my book, and then I stared at the ceiling while Mark slumbered away next to me. I finally dropped off in the early hours of the morning, but then Mark started snoring at 5:30 and woke me up. My eyes were so scratchy and sore I could hardly open them, but I couldn’t get back to sleep. When he woke up at 8:30, he apologised and got up, I tried to go back to sleep. I started thinking about things, too many things, and I couldn’t help it, I just started crying my eyes out.
I lay there for over an hour, crying to myself. I kept trying to stop, trying to sleep, but then the cat started miaowing outside for their breakfast and I got up and told Mark to feed them. I went back to bed, but I didn’t bother shutting the door this time, just lay there. He came in and held me and it started all over again, I sobbed in his arms until I regained some composure, and then he asked what was wrong.
It all came tumbling out. How I feel I don’t deserve Mark, how I want to love him with everything I have, everything I am, but I can’t. He asked why, and I eventually said “because part of me is still in love with someone else”. I said those words aloud, and it hurt so much to do so. He just held me closer and waited for the next round of tears to stop.
He told me however much I can love him is more than enough and he will still be here when I can love him with every single part of me. This set me off even further…
What have I done in this or another life, to deserve such a man? I cannot think of anything myself… it is too amazing for words, even thoughts. I truly am the luckiest person in the world.
There was so much more to it, but I can’t find the words to get it all out. I will start crying again if I keep trying.
I love my husband so dearly. I am going to concentrate on only that for the rest of the day.
Well we lashed out and bought a couch today, well paid a deposit on one anyway, they won’t be in stock for a few weeks. I am excited. So is Mark, yay a 3 seater couch, and another 2 seater. We are going to mvoe the old 2 seater into the computer room so we can be sociable when only one of us feels like geeking off…
Here’s the lovely couch…
We even got it in this colour, Mark wasn’t too keen on the black one, and much as I love purple, I think a purple lounge suite is overdoing it a bit!
The weekend has been pretty good I guess.
Musik’s going away dinner was on Friday after work, and just about everyone came in the end, except Kitty. We ended up going back to bro’s afterwards and watching/playing Grand Theft Auto 5… it is quite amusing Mark enjoyed playing it, I didn’t bother, anything that has more controls than the arrows and a jump/shoot button combination is too hard for me.
I am delaying cooking dinner, neither of us in hungry, although it is 7:00pm already. I hate this daylight savings business, it screws up all the body clocks.
Mark is sitting here with me… trying to get my old Sims CD’s working on his computer so I can see if I can sell them or not… likelihood of me playing version 1 now I have version 2 is pretty slim, but you never know.
My brain is too fried to think about what I want to write. Had a number of mini breakdowns over the weekend, I need to chill out for a while… not too many weeks til some time off work…
Keep counting girl!
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BOTH the girls we were to interview today have cancelled and are no longer interested.
That is all.
I need food.
Is it just me or does anyone else see something inherently disturbing about walking into the kitchen during a party and finding your husband groping your cross dressed ex-lover’s backside?
Yeah it was Halloween on the weekend wasn’t it? Hehehehehe
We ended up not organising anything of our own as Mum asked us to do her a favour and go to her “partner”(?)’s daughters party instead. It is her first one since her boyfriend broke up with her and Mum was worried she would need some extra company. So we happily obliged, I really couldn’t be bothered organising anything anyways. I am so glad we went, none of her friend’s turned up, there was her mum, my mum, her brother and his irritating wife, and the 5 of us. We still had a ball, we got rather plastered, played pass the parcel, alcoholic snakes and ladders and just generally ran amok, revelling in the secluded location and not disturbing any neighbours!
Bro and Kitty went to bed early as they were supposed to leave at 8:30 the next morning to take him back in time for his community service, and as evil daylight savings started on Saturday night, that was really 7:30am! Needless to say it didn’t end up working out that way and the little rat didn’t even DO his community service! Ah well.
Mark kept hinting that we should be pushing the party host and him together, that they were hitting it off really well etc, I just pretended I didn’t get the hint. I couldn’t stomach watching it, even now. I know that is pathetic, but I didn’t want to ruin my own night as I have done so many times in the past.
Photos to follow tonight when I get around to uploading them, also have some more from the trip from the underwater camera.
Speaking of which, my leg is just about healed finally, thankfully. I was really worried for a while, but it is all good
I just realised I didn’t get any photos of my costume on Saturday night dammit! We all found it most amusing that my costume was exactly what I used to wear to school back in 1994. (sidenote, was Year 11 REALLY ten whole years ago? wow).
Damn damn double damn. The girl we thought was the right person for the job here has just rung and she doesn’t want it anymore, BLAAAAAAAH. Ah well. Back to the drawing board. I haven’t rung the guy we don’t want to hire yet, and I feel really bad, I don’t know HOW to ring someone and tell them they didn’t get a job, particularly when he might be really good at it, but I don’t think he would be able to work under the conditions here, the lack of guidance, the disappearing dealines, the swearing and laughter *heh*.
It it Monday after all, I am glad tomorrow is a holiday.