Monthly Archives: August 2002

Nearly end of August?? Sheesh

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He thinks I am an idiot. LOL. Rang up this morning to ask me to put a CD in the server for him, something to do with Small Business Server package something or other. I found the CD, but wasn’t sure which computer it was meant to go in, there are a few of them in the server room. I was pretty sure it would be the one near the CD’s but didn’t want to stuff anything up, we have enough trouble with the computers here as it is… so I rang him back, and he soudned annoyed at me for asking such a stupid question. Blah. Would he have rathered I had stuffed it up, and put it in the wrong one? Gah MEN!

Today is a day of tension and misread signs and signals. I can feel it already, I think tonight will be an interesting night out…

LMAO.

I was just talking to exbf… I cannot believe how well he still knows me. It is bizarre. He wanted me to get online for him and look up something, and I said “I can’t *L* just called me and… ” and he laughed and goes, I think there is something there you aren’t telling me, you talk about this guy an awful lot. I denied it and told him he was jumping to conclusions and if he let me finish my sentence he would have realised I was just explaining why the internet is not working, because “asked me to put in the next server upgrade disk”… he said he knows me better than that and knows when I am in denial about things like that. Hmm maybe he has been reading this again??? LMAO. I told him I am not like that anymore, I am not “up to anything” as he put it. Blah, I am not the same person anymore, why does he still know me so well?

It brings to mind an instance a few years ago, we were talking about names, and I said I have always liked the name Troy, he was my favorite character in the Virgina Andrew’s series’. I used to write that I was falling in love with him (in my diary) every time I read it. So we were talking about it, and exbf says to me “you were in love with him weren’t you?” I hadn’t said ANYTHING like that and I laughed it off, said how can you fall in love with a character in a book?? But he knew…

Blah blah yeah whatever LOL

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We have no internet really otday, it comes and goes, I might get to submit this today, I might not. Either way, it will go up eventually I am sure. *L* and Matt are trying to reconfigure the server, but it doesn’t seem they are having much success. *L* thinks he will be here for the next week or so as well, hmmm doesn’t bother me *grins*. Ahhhhhhh.

I was telling Mark last night about Ruminating and my discussions about crushes and fantasy. I told him I always have crushes on people, and also told him he can read this journal anytime he likes. He still maintains he doesn’t want to read it, as anything I need to tell him, I will. Which is correct, I told him that I have a crush on someone LOL but that it means nothing, he laughed and said “I know it doesn’t, I trust you, and I know you love me”. Awwwwwwwwww. He is really too good to be true sometimes.

We went and saw Signs last night, it was pretty good, haven’t seen a good suspence movie in a while, and yes I jumped out of my seat a few times when the dogs barked really loud, the rest of the movie didn’t get me though. It makes you think a lot about faith and religion, and supernatural occurances. Is there such a thing as a coincedence, or does EVERYTHING happen for a reason>? Too much for my poor brain to handle.

I have been writing this for 6 hours now LOL. I think I shall just upload and be done with it.

I feel like I am 12…

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Yes, I feel like the ~LIFE~ that was 12 years old and madly in love with James. So much so that I would go bright red at so much as the merest glimpse of him. I would rather die than say 2 words to him unless I carefully rehearsed every possible way the conversation could go first. In the end every conversation went “James, do you have such and such a tape?” “yep” “Can I borrow it?” “Yep” and that was it, I would walk away in a mixture of feelings ranging from elated that I spoke to him to thoroughly hating myself for not saying anything more. The only long conversations I sustained with him were when he wanted to suss me out about someone he liked… *sighs* I swore that when I grew up I would be poised and aloof in conversations with someone I liked.

Wrong

*chuckles*

I am just as much a kid now as I was then. After telling Ruminating who my current crush is, I now go bright red whenever he comes over to talk to me… like it must be obvious now. Sheesh, I am 24! Half my life time has passed since those early high school days, but I still handle myself no better. The stupid thing is I don’t even really like him, it is just a passing fancy, something to occupy my thoughts temporarily. In the car my bro (completely unknowingly) said “if you were single, I would tell you to take him out to dinner as a thankyou for fixing my computer and stuff…” *laughs*

Now no one get my wrong, I am 100% committed to my relationship with Mark, and would never EVER go down the cheating path ever again. I have ZERO intention of doing anything with any thoughts I may have in this area, EVER!

*daydreams some more*

Pondering

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Told you I would be back with more. It is one of those days when i slook at the sunshine outside and turns it’s reflections onto the darker parts inside me, to try to lighten them up a litte, see into the depths that I don’t always look at.

Wow what a wanky opening statement.

Biding my time thinking about my crush guy LOL. I don’t know why I am in this mood today. Usually I am just missing Mark incredibly by now. I do miss him. A lot. But today my mind is wandering and searching out the more, tangible, people. I don’t even know what I mean by that, so don’t ask hehe.

Today I feel like I should be enlightened by someone or something, i should achieve something important, there is something in me that wants to be woken up. By who or what I don’t know. But i feel like I will go home with some new perspective on something today.

It is a day I want action not dreams. A day I want to FEEL not imagine FEELING things. Things feel hollow today, and I need something to fill the spot that has nothing… what is it? I will find out I guess.

Drama Queen

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Well it seems I am the crisis queen for everyone else. His girlfriend dumped him on Friday, and she wants my advice, my consolationa nd my sympathy. She wants me not to hate her for being a bitch, she wants me to tell her everything is going to be okay just so she can whine and wail that no one understands. Oh SHUT UP! Anyyone who has ever broken up with anyone understands EXACTLY what youa re going through, don’t think youa re so fucking special. Of course I didn’t say that, I don’t want her to wal in front of a truck or something. I assured her I don’t hate her, and that everyone else will get over it, it has only been a few days, and if people are pissed at her, that will pass. Grr arrgh. So i hav exbf and Lisa coming to be for advice, his exggf and then there are the romantic entanglements at work *grins*. But I shall leave that one alone, that one doesn’t bother me to be involved in giving advice and listening, that one isn’t stupid bullshit look at me waaaaaaah crap like the others.

On another note, I have been thinking about myself a lot lately :) waaaaah look at me ROTFLMAO

I have to have a crush on someone, I have to have something minor to entertain my mind when it is still and bored. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but there has to be someone to flirt with in a minor way, to ponder on when I am lonely. At the moment it is a surprise contender… one I even found odd, and I have had some VERY strange crushes in my time. They are always people I would never investigate in real life though these days. In the past there has been J and DJ…. both of whom I went down the real life track with and got burned. They were better as fantasy figures rather than real life entities, the actual physical contact was a disappointment and didn’t live up the fantasy situations I had built for them… Not their fault.

I mean no disrespect to Mark by any of these thoughts, they are not *real* feelings for anyone, just thoughts and bored mind wanderings… *laughs* enough of that.

Chatting to JustAnotherBeth as usual :) She makes me laugh so much…

I will write more later…

finally an update from me :)

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Well it was a pretty good weekend, except for the computer dramas. Friday night we went to see The Last Waltz at the Astor with mum and her “bf” and his daughter and her bf. It was a good night, we all went out for pizza and coffee afterwards, then went home to start the computer dramas. Which I am not touching with a ten foot pole anymore!!! LOL

So Saturday afternoon Mark was going to go surfing but his mate W wanted to play with his new motorbike instead so Mark went home to play with his own computer while I went dress shopping with Anne, Lana and Anne’s mother-in-law to be. It was quite fun, but I was horrified to discover I couldn’t get a size 14 dress to do up :) Oh well, I know I have to begin this health kick sometimes, and it has to be done by February 8th, Anne’s Wedding Day. We found some really nice wedding dresses, and a couple of bridesmaids dresses that would suit both size 6 Lana and size 14 or so me. Then I fell in love with the “Juliet” bridesmaid’s dress, only Lana didn’t like it, so we won’t be wearing it for Anne’s wedding, but she is more than happy to wear it for mine. Ruminating didn’t sound fazed by my description of it, so now I just have to convince Miss S that she wants to wear it also. Not an easy task, she is such a blah person and she will hate it. I feel like saying, BAD LUCK!!! You wear what you are TOLD woman!! lol but I know i won’t I am too much of a pussy. Ruminating said she might come with us again next week to have a look around. Meanwhile I will try to find the dress online to show everyone. Hmmm no luck *sigh* oh well, I will keep looking.

Saturday night Shay and Jess came around as they bought a van for their trip, very excited they were!! Cat came around too, as usual LOL. Jess is really jealous of her, she glares at her the whole time, it is sad. I think she thinks Cat is taking bro away from her? I dunno.

*sighs*

I wrote all that yesterday but never got a chance to finish it or submit the half done entry. Oh well :) A busy mind is a good mind.

I’m a gonna get a compuuuuuuuuter…. *claps hands* just working out what I need to pay for upfront. I have about $750 I can afford to spend, so if I don’t get a monitor or hard drive or anything (the things I already have….) then I should be able to afford to buy one off L this pay on Friday :) I would be so happy if I could…. My other option is to go and build one myself, by shopping around to find all the bits I need… but that involves more time than I have. Given I am committed to spending Sunday with Mark’s family for Father’s Day. No, mine is not getting acknowledged, he loves his “new family” so much, he can celebrate it with them. Fuckhead. I have been thinking about it for ages though…. and it took me a long time to come to that conclusion *sighs*

Well I have nothing of great interest to report, except I have been pretty good with my food stuff and we have been walking a lot. It has been a lovely four days in Melbourne, and it is going to keep up for most of the week, yay!

Contemplation and drivel

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Sits here pondering her green stained fingers

We were playing scrabble last night and the green pen leaked all over me, no amount of soap and scrubbing could remove the stain from my fingers. Oh well, they are a distraction typing, I keep seeing green out of the corner of my eye.

I didn’t get time to write and entry yesterday, the day dragged like anything but it was really busy. My damn period pains always result into me eating way too much junk food. AFter dinner last night it was mud cake, then mixed lollies at 9 o’clock. I even taped Law & Order SVU so I could go to 7-11 and buy lollies, how pathetic yes?

We talked a lot about money last night, and I came to the conclusion that even if we save our asses off for the next six months, towards a semi achievable goal of $10,000 something will happen that will sabotage it. And if we do get the money, what if we can’t find a house. I don’t want Mark to be stuck indefinitely in a job he may well truly hate by then, just so we can buy a house, it isn’t THAT important. We can rent one together, and still be happy. It isn’t what we had hoped for, but maybe we will be able to save for the wedding a bit easier if we aren’t stressing over the house thing? I dunno it is all too much to think about at once.

I think my final conclusion was that I am going to buy a computer next month when I have enough saved, I won’t pay my car insurance upfront, I will pay the extra amount to make the payments monthly instead. Then I can use the computer to generate more income which I will save every cent of, and I will get work to take out more tax, to cover the amounts I will have to pay on my extra income at the end of the year. Sound like a plan?

I think so long as Mark and I are together, in our own place, things will be good, we will be happy, even if we don’t own it yet.

I was chatting to Anne and Lana yesterday via email about wedding plans. I think Lana and I eventually agreed on a style of bridesmaid dress we both like for Anne’s wedding. We are going to have dinner at Anne’s next Monday night to discuss it, and Anne and I are going wedding dress hunting tomorrow afternoon, just to get some ideas.

S apologised about Saturday and not coming to the Bridal Fair with us, said for me to make a list of shops I would like to visit and she will set aside a day late in September when she is finally free, with no plans. Yeah whatever. Some maid of honour. Half a mind to change it and make Anne that position instead, just to piss S off as much as she pisses me off sometimes. Nah I am not that childish to actually do it.

I think we should be able to use bro’s computer again finally. First he got more RAM, but it didn’t really help, then he bought a new Geforce4 for the computer, and it wouldn’t fit the motherboard, so he bought a new mother board and CPU and they wouldn’t fit in the tower, so yesterday he bought a new tower, he worked out is is going to have cost him $710 to play Warcraft 3 properly LOL. At least my Sims will run really well now :) And I told him to keep the $70 he owed me as a payment towards the computer and I get to use it this weekend to work on the site I have to make a start on.

I feel like I am being torn in all directions at the moment, I want to do these websites and get some extra money coming in, but I also want to spend every available moment with Mark and if I am not home at least half the week, bro feels abandoned and I feel guilty. So when I am with either of them, I don’t get a chance to work on anything. And I try to leave both of them together, but they are too much of a distraction to get anything done.

Got too may problems with people moving in with bro, Shay and Jess are going travelling for 3 months soon, Cat is going to Europe, Ben is going to Lorne for the holidays and H is going somewhere too and they are thinking of living with Na and her sister. He hasn’t got an income and Mandrake is too unstable emotionally. I asked Lana, but she wants to live in Brunswick and is hoping to move somewhere this week, which is too soon.

It occurred to me that f Mark gets a new job, we may not be so limited as to where we can live, but he doesn’t want to leave his job until he is sure it is going to end up screwing him.

At least I know, I am not leaving this job anytime soon, the last couple of months have been pretty good. I have had plenty of work to do and some of it has even been interesting, I quite like doing the packaging designs, except when my evil computer tells me my graphics in Illustrator are too complicated to be saved (like it did a million times yesterday) resulting in me having to crop pictures as close as I can to their actual size so they don’t need as big clipping paths *sighs again*

I think we are going to lose our chat programs though, my boss was telling me they are going to re-image all our computers to the same image, with all identical programs, and we have to give him any programs we want installed. Which means he won’t install trillian in the image, which means we CAN install it on our own again like we have, but he is planning on regularly re-imaging the computers so we would have to install it over and over and over again. I think that is his plan… we won’t be able to have it.

Well this is the most I have written in a long time, but it is all worthless drivel. I am not even helping myself figure anything out, I am no clearer now than I was an hour ago when I started. *sighs*

Help?

You MUST specify a title

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I am silly, I was positive I had written an entry today… but I guess not!

Bro drove home last night, on his L plates, for the first time ever. He only drove over 2 curbs and spilled my drink on me once by braking too hard, overall he did okay.

Mum’s “BF” rang me before to ask me and bro and Mark to go with hima nd mum to the Astor on Friday night… I said yes, even though I don’t want to see The Last Waltz (we have it on video if I ever feel inclined to watch it). Which sucks, means I will miss Chris’ birthday, but if it cheers up mum, it is worth it.

It is hometime now :)

Will write better tomorrow.

Tiredness

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Hmmm. I cannot possibly have much to write about today, seeing as I fell asleep with the beginnings of a migraine just around 8:30 last night. I even slept through John Saffran, and I can NEVER sleep with the TV on. I guess my Mersyndol Forte for once put me to sleep like the box claims they will. They usually don’t affect me that way. Anyhoo, I had a nice 10 hours sleep. Mark continued to update his computer and watch TV while I slept on… He was probly bored LOL, couldn’t make too much noise cos I was asleep, he even ironed my clothes for me to wear today as I was in no shape to do anything.

I registered for an ABN this morning so I can invoice the jobs I am going to do. I was planning on being paid cash in hand so I could just save it without worrying about tax, but no such luck unfortunately. But never mind, I told the guy he will have to get hosting through somewhere else, and he has agreed to have a look at other options which I am happy about.

My desk is an absolute mess, but I am just so tired I don’t care at all.

Right at the moment, I am counting the seconds until lunch time, I am hungry and hot. But my shirt is too tight these days to take off my jumper and reveal my flab to the world. I really have to develop some motivation to lose weight, to care about SOMETHING other than sleep and food. When did I become so lazy and pathetic? I need to live with Mark, I need to get out of my rut, I need to not be so tired when I get home from work because it has been over an hour drive. So I need to live a little closer, I need to the day to last longer before it is pitch black and I need to eat healthier and exercise more. I need to work harder on my extra work out of hours, actually I need to START it! I have been really slack, I feel bad.

Well that killed 15 minutes, chatting to our accounts lady about snoring lol. I hate this waiting for my computer to save crap.

The good news is the band I was working on a site for seemed to like it okay, he had a few changes, he didn’t like the font etc, but he liked the layout, which I was quite pleased with :)

Ugh the Evil BenBoss is here… moreworktime

Aftermath of a terrible night

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Well I had a pretty good weekend :) But before I go into any detail, I must say this.

Go And Hire “Psycho Beach Party” from your video store, NOW!

I have no laughed so hard in a long time. It was described ont he back as a 50′s whodunnit, crossed with a 60′s surf movie, interlaced with a 70′s slasher movie. It was FANTASTIC! And it starred our very own Australian Kimberley Davies, how could you go wrong???

If you like dodgy horror movies, you will love it with as much as passion as we did. Jess and Shay hated it, they kept saying this is so TERRIBLE, we tried to explain to them that that was the ENTIRE POINT of the movie, but they didn’t get it LOL.

Anyhoo, we didn’t make it to the bridal expo, Mum decided to come over, but didn’t want to go to the expo, and surprise surprise S cancelled. I don’t know why I bother really.

We went out Friday night to a couple of places, had a great night, I have some photos to upload of the night, it was really funny, the photos are horrible, but worth a chuckle.

I am so empty of ideas today, I nearly called in sick this morning, just felt terrible, it was the fish n’ chips we had for tea last night I know.

Over the weekend we also watched The Score, great movie, Mr Deeds, another great movie, and last night I re-watched Almost Famous for the 4th time. Yeah, it was a movie weekend.

Disjointed? what’s that?

*spins around til she gets dizzy*

*realises it made no difference to her state of mind*

*cries again*

I spent last night in tears, my stomach was queasy and my head felt like crap. I just felt all off and sad, I don’t know why. I was okay when I woke up, but damn tired after exhausting myself during the night, I think I ran a marathon in my sleep.

Mum wanted some ideas from us as to what she should do about her situation with her “bf”. They are tryign to be friends at the moment, the don’t know what to do. Ever since that night when he flipped out, things have sucked for them. He thinks Bro and I hate him, Mum told him we don’t but he still thinks we do. I don’t hate him, I get nuts like that too, I just hate seeing it happen to Mum after so many wrong starts in her life, we thought this was the right one.

One of our ideas was for the 4 of us (Mum, Bro, Me and Mark) to get a block of land with 2 units on it together, Mum and bro would share one and Mark and I the other, so we would be close, but have our own space. Mark was not very keen on the idea at first, said he wants me to himself for a while, and he was scared to say no at the same time, because he knows how important my remaining family is to me. He thought that saying no might result in me leaving him. I told him that wouldn’t happen, but it might put our plans for a house together on hold for a little while. I don’t know.

Mum has decided to stay put for a little while.

She is worried about bro and his excessive drinking, worried he is turning into our father I think. I assured her he is not that bad, and he is getting better. He is just worried about his future and a total loose end. He is also scared of losing me I think, he has had me there for him since he moved back to Melbourne almost 3 years ago, and we are very close. He loves Mark, and is happy for us, but at the same time, resents him for taking me away I think. And his friends he was supposed to be moving in with are making plans with Na, who bro could NEVER live with, not with their history. It would be like me and him moving back in together.

Oh well, enough mulling for today. Pictures to follow this afternoon I think :)