Monthly Archives: February 2002

More shit from Dad

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Yes I read and re-read and re-read your messages and I’m very worried about your reactions. Yes there were problems in the house when we were all crammed in there. Some of these were between witchwoman and me and we sought counselling about them and have largely overcome them.

You sound as if you have decided already to burn bridges with the family and I am very worried about that. I can’t stop you but I urge you to think long and hard about the effects which would be profound. You say you won’t make me choose but these statements seem designed to force such a choice. Of course it will affect how we interact in the future. I can’t pretend I’m

not married or the family doesn’t exist!

I want you to remember that we made room for you when things were bad in Horsham and have tried to help a number of times since. I’m dissappointed you think its not enough. We’ve tried our best to be fair to all.

There have been no new major problems in the last few years and I am at a loss to understand why you escalated this incident so dramatically.

I’d like you to let this sit for a bit and think through what you want to come from it. Let me know what you decide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not going to set anything aside. I have been nice to your family above and beyond what I consider my duty, and I have had ENOUGH. You “made room” for me when things were bad in Horsham? If you recall correctly, I wanted to move in at S and her mum’s in Dimboola and you said no way, if she is moving out it will be in with us. So that is what I did. I am sorry it was an inconvenience.

No there have not been “new” dramas recently, doesn’t mean I forget all the other shit, and when things like all this crap over the skirt occur, well what am I supposed to do.

I had forgotten all about it. You borught it all up again on bros birthday, I don’t hold any grudges over it, if witchwoman deigns to be home next time we come around, fine I will talk to her. But if she wants to keep going out, that is fine with me too, I really DON’T CARE. I am not burning bridges with my family, I don’t want to lose you as a father, but I do not particularly care if I never see any of the rest of them ever again.

I do not want you to choose. I am just saying that maybe it is about time you made more of an effort to see us instead of the other way around. It would be easier on all involved, you come to our place for once, and we won’t have to put any strain on your marriage. Us coming to your house is uncomfortable, it is not a home, and we would rather not be there. The last time we saw witchwoman, before Christmas, when we walked in, all we got was “are you here again”? Not hello, nothing. We ignored it, made nice conversation etc, and still came at Christmas.

I appreciate the financial assistance YOU have given bro and I in recent times, but you have given just as much to her kids. And yeah, they are really grateful. I won’t go any further into that.

I don’t think the burden of decision is on me anymore. You decide if you want to see me. I am where I am for a while now, not moving house again, so you know where I live. I have no other reason to call into Deer Park anymore now I no longer see exbf or his family. And we are never invited over for anything at your place, so why would I?

I have done nothing but think about the situation since it all got dragged up again. And I have had no changes of heart. It is time for someone else to make a move to repair the situation, namely witchwoman.

I love you

~LIFE~

Just cursed as fuck with no such luck, My future plans include not much

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Hmmmm. B.H.G.

Remember how I said my exbf rang me up to ask me for a place to take Lisa for Valentine’s day? Well he took her to the same place I took her, to the same room even. How fucked is that? I can still see his credit card details on netbank. He’s a tosser, all I can say!! Lucky I don’t care anymore *grins* she is welcome to him…

Mark on the other hand… well we had a nice long talk last night about where we are going with us as a couple. I told him I am scared, because he seems to want this lifetikme commitment now. He told me he could live with me, marry me, quite happily, right now, and know 100% that he had made the right decision, he has never felt that before he says, even after 6 years with his ex. They broke up 4 years ago, and he has seen a few people since then, but no one he wanted permanently, like he wants me. I told him I don’t know what I want next week, and “forever” scares me to death. I love him now, and want to in the future, but I can make no promises for myself anymore. He then told me he will be here always, as long as he is breathing, for me. I said you cannot promise that, you might hate me one day and not want to be here for me. He says unless I do something intentionally to hurt him, that will not be the case.

I was nearly asleep when he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me.

“you have no idea, ~LIFE~, no idea, how much I love you already”

I appreciate his company, and intelligence, and love, more every minute I spend with him, so why am I scared to death of this inside? It feels right, but I turn it over and over in my brain until it feels all wrong, why??? Why can I not resign myself to happiness?

He told me he was scared at the start, that someone from my past would come and take me away from him, he asked me if that is possible? I said no. It isn’t. Exbf… not a fucking chance. Him? Well he probably oculd if he made the effort, but he wouldn’t, so no… there is not a chance.

I’m lonely. I need my friends back. I need to not spend as much time with him, retain some of my independence this time. I said no to living together for a while, I jumped into it way too soon last time and it was all wrong, all messed up, and made things hellish.

Oh well here are some tests to go on with :) {{hugs}} to all out there not feeling the best along with me.


Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She’s Crafty

I am rapt. I love Rayanne. I taped the whole show, every episode. But someone has lost half of it. Devastated.


Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She’s Crafty

Aww and I wanted to be Ally Sheedy.

Life is like a penis most people don’t know it But most people suck so they usually blow it

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Blooooooodhound Gang is in da house ya’ll

I am guessing my father isn’t going to respond to the second email I sent. Well then, fuck him is all I can say, I was as nice as I felt I could or should be under the circumstances. Should have learned a long time ago to not expect too much from my family on that side.

Mark is coming over again tonight. Last night was spent playing Risk, Mark and I ended up declaring it a draw after I wiped out both bro and his mate. Was quite fun :) Cept I am really tired. I shouldn’t have invited him over tonight… I should get an early night, but oh well!

Turns out I might be going to Sydney again… I don’t think I know anyone in Sydney anymore though… no diarists even *sigh* so no one to play catch up in real life with, oh well, I made my own fun last time, shall no doubt do so again!

I am so lethargic at the moment. Sleep doesn’t help, food doesn’t help, nothing does.I just feel like I am wasting time while something important draws near, but I have no idea what that something is. I feel apprehensive about it though.

My letter to Matthew still hasn’t arrived in USA. Been 27 days since I posted it, shouldn’t take THAT long I don’t think, I know I didn’t airmail it but honestly! I am pissed at the postal system again.

I miss my friends, but I don’t have the energy for driving all over Melbourne at the moment.

I made a pretty banner for Vinyl the other day. It looks really pretty on her purple background. Anyone who hasn’t read her before, she is a lovely girl. Overly fond of her webcam, she was showing me sign language over it one day.

I am very uninspired today, going to cut this short before it gets so boring you can’t think.

May I kiss your crotch?

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I just woke up

You were in my dreams

You were a goddess

You were my queen

So beautiful as you are

I love you near or far

~Life~ I truly believe

Our love comes from the stars

Mark just SMS’d me that :) He is such a sweetie, maybe not the best poet in the world, but certainly the dearest to me :) I am seeing him tonight, but not until 9pm.

Last night I was on the phone to him for hours. Mainly due to the topic. As I was chatting to him, my bro said something to angus along the lines of “oh, that’s handy”. SIlence for a few seconds, then I caught, “why do we say handy, not footy, or toey, or heady?”

Uh oh.

“Why not penisy? Or scrotumy? Or crotchy? Hmmm I think that is the one. Crotchy”.

It led from there.

“What if we replace the word hand with crotch every where in the English language?”

“Can I tape you with my Crotchycam?”

“Can we hold crotches?”

“I’m tired, think I will rest my head on my crotch for a while”

“May I be romantic and kiss your crotch?”

“Ahh, there’s my cordless crotch drill”

I recommend you all try it, we had fun for hours with it… some were just plain scary :) eg…

“My dad used to hold my crotch while we crossed the road”

But anyway, it kept us more than amused.

The rain last night was torrential at my place, it came and went for hours on end. The roads were swamped in an inch of water all over. I had to go shopping, I just raised my hands above my head and revelled in the pounding rain, no point trying to avoid it!! I felt very tribal running down the street with my arms held high, enjoying Nature at her finest.

Luciano Pavarotti on a treadmill, not going nowhere, slim chance we will

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Yep I am still using Bloodhound Gang for titles

Well the title relates to the tiny chance of me not wanting to be with Mark. He is just so damn great! I love him already, and it is weird, he loves me too. I feel like a kid, it is awesome :)

We stayed up all night on Saturday just talking, about religion, beliefs, the universe, paranormal activity, possible other worlds, it was amazing. He is so intelligent, but we relate really well!

And in other bedroom realted activity… to borrow from Superstar13, the Olympics have been on *grins wickedly*

Wickedly. That is a great word.

I am happy at the moment, so happy.

Last night though was stupid. I cooked dinner, he helped me clean the house for the Valuer today, and then we played the Sims, he hadn’t seen Hot Date, then we went to bed.

He laughed and said I am all shagged out for today when I kissed him, so I said we’ll see about that, I was just kidding. I tried grabbing him, and it seemed he got the shits with me, so I rolled over and went to go to sleep. He started asking what’s wrong, I said nothing, it’s fine, just go to sleep, you are tired, gotta get up early etc. It just went back anf forth for ages, what’s wrong, nothing, go to sleep. It was stupid. He was trying to hug me, I was ignoring him. I felt like a bitch the whole time, just wanted to roll over and hold him, but I couldn’t for some reason.

Eventually he went to sleep. He woke up this morning and hugged me, I was still half asleep, and didn’t respond. He said I love you. I mumbled and went back to sleep. 5 minutes he was quiet.

Do you still love me?

Very worried by the sounds of it. He was really tense, I could feel his muscles tighten up. I smiled, of course I do, don’t be silly!! Such a cutie.

He says he could see us being together forever, we have so much to talk about, such a HUGE physical connection, I do agree it is a possibility we might work out super long term, but I am not sure yet :)

Oh well, love him to bits.

Friday night was a pisser. I got a little tipsy and started making sugar pictures on the table, everyone was giggling at me. Then I went to pay for my meal, and apparently the waiter told everyone off for it and someone told him it was me so I spent the next half an hour hiding from the mad waiter *grins* such a child sometimes…

Response from Dad and mine back

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Ok – well I’ve got the message loud and clear and I’m very disappointed. I was hoping – begging for some talking to try to resolve a recent problem – maybe mischief – maybe misunderstanding but it seems its all linked together into one enormous bundle of baggage. A lot of the stuff you raised I have problems with, a lot of it seems based on fact but distorted, some I dont know what is right and wrong, some is new territory which seems intented to raise the stakes further rather than settle things.

What I’m hearing is that you are not interested intalking anything out at this stage. That breaks my heart. I’m not blaming you for any of this- or witchwoman for that matter – most of the probs come back to me and my ability to handle difficult interpersonal problems – I havent got a good track record.

What I do know is that families have got to keep trying and I hope that one day you’ll be able to put things in perspectve and let at least some of the baggage die a natural death so the current situations can be addressed.

I love you both and I’ll keep trying as best I can to get things into a more stable situation.

If we can’t improve things can we at least try not to let things get worse?



Love



Dad



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Dad,

Did you read everything I said? Do you expect me to just forget all the things I said? It was all calculated emotional abuse, at the hands of your family, and I don’t want any part of it any longer. If witchwoman would like to call me and apologise for over reacting and listening to Kelly, well fine, I am more than happy to accept it.

I told you after it all happened that I would like to have you both over for dinner, you said fine. But she didn’t even want to come over for bro’s birthday. For Christs sake she is 44 years old. She should act like the adult in the situation. I was going to try to smooth things over, but she is being obstinate as usual.

You want my honest opinion? She is trying to get us out of your life. You think that is inaccurate? Bullshit. She made it quite clear to me many years ago that she is the one who will be getting everything from you. And so she wll… I won’t fight it. Ia m sick of fighting, sick of everything. I don’t want to lose my father, and unlike your wife, I will never make you choose. I am merely saying that I will not be doing the visiting anymore. You are welcome at our house anytime you wish.

Of the things she told me which I mentioned, I do not know what is real and what isn’t I only know what I was told.

Yes, this all springs partly from your inability to handle conflict, but that inability has been manipulated against you. And not by me. I do not want conflict, I do not want to make your life difficult. I do not want you to choose.

But I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife about things, see if she has the inner strength to admit all the things they did wrong to me when I was there, and since, and then, maybe, we can start to sort all of this out.

I know I was not a model child, no one is. I made mistakes too, but I was just a kid. You forget that Dad. I am not anymore, although I wish I was, but for once I am going to act like a damn kid and say “I DIDN’T DO IT” and I want you two to act like the adults, and make things right. It is not my responsibility any longer.

Your family makes me miserable. I got rid of all the other things in my life that make me miserable and I am mostly happy for the first time in years. The only two times I have cried in the last 2 months, are due to you and yours. It hurts. I don’t want it anymore. I am sick of hurting.

I appreciate your wish to make things better, but it will not happen so long as your family are who they are.

Yours,

~LIFE~

Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget

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Bloodhound Gang Rock!

Well no response yet from my father. I printed out the email for bro to read, he agreed it all needed saying and i should be glad i sent it, although I should be aware it may crush him.

I tend to agree with Shay’s comment from yesterday, he will not side with me over it, and I honestly do not want to cause tension for him at home, I merely want him to know that I can never forgive and forget all the crap and I won’t be coming over anymore. I hope she is utterly miserable about it *cough cough* yeah like she would be. The conclusion I have come to is that she wants us out of his will so she can get her hands on everything. Fine, I don’t want it anyway. So long as bro gets Dad’s musical stuff still, I don’t want to fuck with all that.

Netball was horrible. 5 players, hot and sweaty until 10pm, I had to play center, WAAAAY too much exercise for me!

I did cook a yummy dinner though, apricot chicken, which I had for lunch again today… mmmm

So last night i watched Secret Life of Us which Mark taped for me on Monday night… so going to have to get TV back, I can’t keep asking him to tape them for me. He taped Ed for me again last night, we will watch it when we get up tomorrow :)

Hehehe my broom broom has been making shitty noises at me for the last week, I solved it this morning!!! I am so great I am so great!!

No one mention how… it was out of oil!!!

Still I felt clever, did it all myself. NIce to be bale to do even the smallest things for yourself sometimes.

Well Mark was not put off by my family nor by my midnight jag of crying. That is good :) He is such a sweetheart. Nay said the other day how nice he is, and I said, yeah, he IS isn’t he?? :)

Buggie was chatting to him with me this afternoon. We decided we should go to NZ to visit the DD contigent over there!! But that is a long way off, we are pretty broke.

I got tickets for Cruel Sea show on 8/03/02, now i want Jebediah on the 22/03/02 only $25, as an Aussie band should BE!!! Listen up Nick Cave!! This outrageous price will NOT BE TOLERATED!!!

Ooh another notifier :) Welcome number 10!!!

Letter to father

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I am writing this email, because if I attempt to “discuss” any of this in person I am liable to lose my temper and we will get nowhere.

Okay firstly.

The whole drama over the damn skirt is ridiculous. I am not going to apologise or smooth things over this time, I have done nothing but that for the last 7 years, and it stops here. I am not responsible for your wife’s temper tantrums. Both she and her children are manipulators, as are all their friends. You know this, deep down, I know you do. evil sister friend manufactured a situation that would guarantee her the center of attention position for a while. Who cares who gets hurt in the process? You know me better than to think I would be stupid enough to say something like that in front of the little cow. No, I didn’t like the damn skirt, yes it had a $2 sticker on it, I commented on the price alone in front of evil sister friend though. And all I said was, wow she got a bargain on that one, there was no trace of sarcasm in my voice either, not that she would detect it. I then opened the top and said cool, purple, I love it. Gave both to bro and said put them in the backseat with the other stuff. Which he did. Kelly got out, end of story. Then I said to bro I don’t like the skirt, bu the top is cool. I wore it the next day.

Should either you or witchwoman have called to thank me for your presents, I would have said thankyou then too, but I wanted to levae it up to you to call for once, it is always me making the effort.

If Mum, or you, or bro had of bought me a present that cost $2, I would not have cared one bit. The only reason I comment on it with HER is because she spends 1000′s of dollars on her children, and where does she get that money? Oh yes, from all the work she does. Yeah right.

I bit my tongue and thanked her for the money you gave us for the bond, even though I didn’t feel she deserved the thanks. I was grateful to you for helping.

You want to know how I really feel about all of tis rubbish?

It is a joke. witchwoman is a joke. You both act like it was my decision to move out on my 18th birthday, you both seem to forget her “Either she goes or I do” demand. At the time, I decided to keep the peace to make your life as easy as possible, and I opted to leave. I couldn’t afford it, I had no idea what to do about it though. So exbf moved in to help. I was scared and alone, but he helped a little. I had no job for a while, and was still trying to put myself through school with little to no assistance. Your $1500 you gave me for my 18th went on household appliances and living expenses. Eventually I took the Austudy loans even though I knew they were a terrible idea, I had no choice. Now you act like I am an idiot for getting myself into debt, well in MY mind, I consider the debt as belonging to you and your family. They forced me out of the house to support myself. When things got really tough at one point, I asked you if I could come back for a little while so I could get back ahead, and you said, and I quote “you know there is no room love”. I have never forgotten that nor will I. I cried for a full day over it.

exbf and I shouldn’t have been living together at that age, we weren’t ready, but your wife left me with no option. I had no friends, as all the ones who I thought were, turned out to be in the evil employ of your family.

Should I list my grievances while I lived there?

My photos were vandalised. Clothers ruined. Diaries defaced with disparaging comments. I was left hungry as I could never get home from school in time for dinner. I had drama rehearsals and studying to do, I couldn’t be home at 5 on the dot. The other kids dinners would be kept in the oven, and mine would be thrown out.

YOu wife kept food hidden in her wardrobe so I couldn’t eat it. I was accused of being a pig and eating everything in the house. I was called fat and gross. So I lost 15kg. If I ever defended myself and denied what they accused me of I was called a liar. I was a nervous wreck even leaving the house.

I was grounded for going to a nightclub. step sister 1 was helped to get ready and made to look older by her mother for her friend’s 18th, for which she was underage.

I had to ask permission of witchwoman for exbf to stay the night, when I shared with step sister 1 and with step sister 2, but it was fine for step sister 1′s boyfriends to not only stay but to keep me awake all night so I had to sleep on the couch every night when I had school and work the next days.

exbf was invited to have tea with you twice in 6.5 years. Everyone elses friends stayed most nights.

I was never treated fairly, even though I was the only kid in the house who acted responsibly at any time. I was the only one not doing drugs (did you know step brother was dealing out of your house for Justin while he was in Adelaide? Didn’t think so). I was the one who looked after the others.

No I have not forgotten nor forgiven any of the things that went on in that house in the 2.5 years I was miserable there.

All the times witchwoman told me things about you I didn’t want to know. She told both mum and I that you cheated on Mum during your entire marriage. If it’s true it doesn’t matter, she didn’t need to tell me. She told me your dad had an affair with a woman in adelaide that resulted in a child. She told me if you EVER thought of leaving her she would take you for everything you have. More? Cannot be bothered.

In short I have no love for your wife or her children. I am nice to them for you. I bought them presents for years, they never acknowledged my birthday. And Christmas was pathetic. So I stopped. I still did it for witchwoman for your sake, but after Christmas and the pathetic effort for bro yesterday, not even coming over or calling, and those chocolates. Well I am not going to bother with her either. bro has nothing to do with this whole debacle but she acts like a 5 year old. Going out so she doesn’t have to deal with it, it is so childish, typical of someone who has never had to look after herself.

I am still leaving things out, things that would hurt you too much. I am trying to be clear headed, even though I was up all night in tears yet again.

I love you, and want to be your daughter, but as of this point on I want nothing to do with your family. If you wish to stay in contat, you can make the effort to visit us.

I always come to visit you, when I don’t for a while I get told off, you never make the effort.

Goodbye

~LIFE~

Fuck you dad

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Last night was a joke int he end. My family always ruins everything.

It started off very successfully, I had fun making the vegetarian lasagne, developing a recipe as I went along, hehe I made it look like I knew what I was doing. Mark bought some drinks for us, and he managed to get the Tab book for the Tea Party Greatest Hits for bro for his birthday for me, and he went halves with me. Bro was ecstatic.

I was nearly finished cooking when Dad rang and said he was coming over. No arguments, he was on his way. We all got a few drinks in to deal with the WITCH when she arrived. I had just served tea when he walked in the front door, witchless. Hmm interesting.

He watched us all eat dinner and made small talk for an hour or so afterwards. I thought, this is good, it is all blown over, I don’t have to worry about it etc.

Walked him to his car afterwards and he hugged me goodbye. Then he started.

“I think you should call witchwoman and sort this thing out with her”

“I have nothing to say, I tried to talk to her last time I was there, she walked off. On your birthday she went out so she wouldn’t have to see me and tonight she didn’t come. Why should I?”

“Because it tears me apart to be caught between two people I love”

“Mmmm hmmm, well it isn’t my fault and I am not going to fix it. If you all want to believe those little bitches, go for it. I don’t care anymore. They have all done it over and over, you know I am not like that.”

“Well then why do you talk to them?”

“I don’t! I say hello when I am there to be polite. I have not spoken to them in years. I am just trying to “keep the peace”!!”

“Well you could try”

“Yeah whatever”

I went inside. I was in a filthy mood. This is fucked. I wound up in tears on Mark’s shoulder all night, unable to sleep, giving myself a headache, going over and over what I want to say to the cow.

He tried to cheer me up, take my mind off it. I was completely impassionate during sex, just wanted to be over with it, but it wasn’t his fault, and he was trying to cheer ME up, not himself. Eventually I gave up and burst into tears again. He just held me all night after that. I talked a lot about things that have happened. I feel bad bitching about my dad when his is dead, but I dunno, he wants to hear my troubles.

I can’t write anymore, getting too angry.

Don’t come up for air until you kiss me where it smells funny

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Randomness of the Bloodhound Gang variety

La di da.

He didn’t call me like he said he would. I don’t know why I was surprised.

Mark and I went and saw From Hell, it was pretty good! I thought the ending was predictable but I still enjoyed it muchly.

Tis my brother’s birthday today. He is turning 20. I am cooking tonight, I think I already told you all that but bad luck :) Mark is coming over to “assist” (read : keep me amused while I cook :) .

ARRGGHH. It never used to be this hard to find a “full version” of my graphics program *grr at IT guy for deleting it on me!!*

Hmmm maybe they are getting better at preventing hackerz…

Can I have faith ina page entitled appilactions? *laughs*

WHy do I have to vote on a girl’s tits to get a file??? *shakes head*

*sighs* Every file has a virus. I give up. I shan’t be making anymore pretty buttons for my site…