1:39 pm – That is about all I need to say. I want my ex back, but do I? Am I just scared and lonely or do I truly want him back? Do I just want to have him where I can hold on to him? Or do I want HIM to be his person, but with me? Fuck I dunno… current mood: gloomy
current music: Lucy in the sky – Beatles (damn radio 
God I miss having the net at home I am still a bit fragile today. I haven’t heard from him to say he is coming, but he hasn’t quite finished work yet and he said he might have to go to Highpoint after work to pick up some stuff he forgot… or maybe his new girl will call and he will forget about me… maybe maybe… I have to try not to care if he does… he doesn’t want me to care, well he says he doesn’t but I think he wants me to care, he wants to see me hurt like I hurt him. Over and over. I think he likes my tears now. Even when he says don’t cry I don’t think he means it. I truly don’t. I know I will be pathetic when I get home and shower and dress nice before he gets there, if only to show what he says he doesn’t want anymore. Not that I am any prize, but I don’t know what his new girl looks like… oh I am just rambling. I won’t dress up… I will pack boxes and get all sweaty and horrible so he remembers once and for all that there is nothing in me to miss. Good afternoon DD readers… may you all have a fun filled weekend of joy… while I sob away to myself in the broken night and the cracked daylight. Well onyl a week to go til we move and we should have it then… does anyone know if Optus DialUp is any good?
Am I just lonely in general or do I miss him? I don’t know. I mean I know I miss him, I always have a little, but he smothered me too much for me to acknowledge and appreciate missing him. I don’t know what… I just don’t know… He said he “might” come visit me this afternoon, if he doesn’t get another offer of something to do. He is punishing me I know, but I also know I deserve it for all the things that happened in the past. I shall not pretend I am innocent and all good and lovely, I am not, I suck. I hate the things I have done in the past. The actions I have taken, the moves I have made. I don’t deserve the love of one so good as him… but I can’t help wishing I still had it. If I could take back the past I would but I can’t. Sitting here doing mindless stocktake… it is too much time on my hands…
I am NOT going to kill myself. I am NOT going to kill myself. I think I said that already. I have been leaning towards wanting him again. I have missed him, but I wasn’t ready to take that step yet. I was just relishing the fact that I felt I could love again, maybe. But then you said all that shit to him and he pushed my hand asking me to commit asking me to be with him again because he thought I had told you I wanted to be. But I was still discovering it for myself in my own mind. I wasn’t ready to start it all again so I denied it said I wasn’t sure… I fucked it up. Cos that was his last straw and he ran into the arms of someone else. He is still a factor in my heart that is one of the main reasons I wasn’t ready to give my ex hope yet. I had to be sure I could stay away from that danger. I should be seeing him next weekend. I wanted to see if he and I were over it all. If we could just talk like we used to. If that succeeded then I was going to talk to my ex, tell him how my feeling for him have been resurfacing. See if we could see each other occasionally for dinner or a movie or something. But it wasn’t to be. I jumped the gun, but it was still too late… Too late…
“As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine…” Sorry Ben Folds Five on the radio… I am drifting on no sleep today. The neighbours had a karaoke birthday party until the small hours of the morning when bro called the police. I cried most of the night. Eventually I dragged myself into some form of reality and went to play pool for a bit with Bro and “Angus”. I was okay for a bit but it seemed every sentence started with “when exbf and I were here…” and eventually I just stopped talking. I messaged him, I wanted to talk to him. I spoke to him for a little in the afternoon, but he had a date and couldn’t talk. I was a mess. I still am. I am convinced now that he never wanted me back. He just didn’t want to be alone. Because up until the minute he met this chick he was begging me to come back to him, then he met someone else and now it is all okay again, he is 100% happy and moving on. We have had a role reversal. I want him. I miss him. But he has moved on he wants someone else. Is excited to see someone else. He rang me at 1am on his way home from dropping her off. We talked for 45 minutes until he got home. Then he cut me off to go to sleep. He didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. He didn’t bother reading the emails I sent him and he told me to forget the ones he sent me, they don’t apply anymore. I said I needed to see him, could he come to my place instead of going home? He said no. I don’t want to. That really hurt. He used to care if I was upset and want to hold me even when he was angry at me. Now he doesn’t give a shit at all. It is no good. Nothing is good. I can’t eat and I don’t sleep. It has all hit me this week. And yes it hit before he found someone else. Well before I knew he had. When I was there on Wednesday he took his shirt off to put a tshirt on and I trailed my fingers down his side. He pulled away from me. For the first time ever. I knew something was up then, but I didn’t know what… oh well… fuck it all. I trailed my own version accross my wrists last night. I am red and sore but no closer to being away from my problems. The pain just felt real. I didn’t bleed. I didn’t want to bleed. Just to hurt. No I am not going to kill myself anyone who is reading. I just wanted to lessen the pain on my heart and soul for a monet with something else and physical pain is all I could think of. I can’t work. Lucky today is data entry day. I will have to start working soon, been here over an hour. No word from exbf yet. Said he would call me today and see me tonight, I bet he doesn’t. He told me I am not allowed to touch him not allowed to cry if he is here. I am not allowed to say anything about us seeing each other as more than friends. I said there is no point you coming then. I need a hug. I need your hug. He is over it all… Over. Over. OUT!
Are you listening to me LIFE? I don’t want to play anymore. I am on my knees with my hands bent backwards screaming MERCY please MERCY… but you aren’t playing by the rules. You are forcing me to endure this without end… cruel bitch. I just want to crawl home with my tail between my legs admitting I wasn’t good enough to take you on, admitting that I am lost and out of my depth with no idea where to go from here. I am sorry! I am screaming my sorrow at your deaf ears. I made my mess. I can damn well play in it.
Mum is telling me off for worrying about him having someone else. Telling me to lead my own life. I know I have to. I have to stop thinking about it. Stop crying. Stop caring. I just need to feel loved again, need to feel those familiar arms around me, on my skin. It hurts to feel the air touch me where strong arms should be instead.
I spoke to the ex before. He said I am sorry. I said what for? He said that you realised you wanted me too late. I said it wasn’t too late you just didn’t hear me… it doesn’t matter now. Then I went to lunch a promptly burst into tears behind the wheel so I drove home to try to calm myself down. Didn’t help… *Gothboy* and *Mandrake* have been trying to cheer me up unsuccessfully, well they think they have been successful, I told them they have, but I am no better. Worse if anything…
If only I hadn’t shouted
If only I hadn’t pushed away
If only I hadn’t cried
If only I hadn’t run and hid
If only I had loved
If only I had cherished
If only I had stopped
If only I had thought
If only I hadn’t lied
If only I hadn’t hurt
If only I hadn’t screamed
If only I hadn’t died inside
If only I had hugged
If only I had laughed
If only I had smiled
If only I had happiness
I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
Turn it inside out
Find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you
I burn burn like a wicker cabinet
Chalk white and oh so frail
I see our time had gotten stale
The tick tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall
I hear words and clips and phrases
I think sick like ginger ale
My stomach turns and I exhale
I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
Turn it inside out
Find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you
So Cal is where my mind states
But it’s not my state of mind
I’m not as ugly sad as you
Or am I origami
Folded up and just pretend
Demented as the motives in your head
I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside
I would swallow my doubt
Turn it inside out
Find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through with you
I alone am the one you don’t know you need
Take heed feed your ego
Make me blind when your eyes close
Sink when you get close tie me to the bedpost
I alone am the one you don’t know you need
You don’t know you need me
Make me blind when your eyes close
Tie me to the bedpost
I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rhines
The lack thereof would leave me empty inside
Swallow my doubt
Turn it inside out
Find nothing but faith in nothing
Want to put my tender heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous then I’m through
Now I’m through with you
Through with you
Rendezvous then I’m through with you