Well my kitty came home yesterday morning Yay!! Very cold and sorry for himself.. he slept for SOOOOO long… Kinda like me this morning… I stayed in bed for the first 3 hours of work… I just felt so shit…

I am a mess I think. I don’t know, maybe I am okay??? Who the fuck knows…

For some reason the bitch at work is ignoring me again or else being rude… I have no fucking idea why… she was fine when I finished work on Friday Tuesday morning… utter mega bitch. Fuck the dumb ass slut, she is fucking stupid and has no comprehension of what a bitch she really is.

I am so depressed Dawson’s Creek is finished for the year LOL… nah I just have to find something else to watch on a Thursday night. Or I could get a life… but that is too complex an idea… Everytime I get a life I screw it up… so I think I should just let life drift on it’s own for a while… my effort to grab hold of it and bend it to my will tend to tie it in knots.

I had a fucked up dream last night, my boyfriend raped me and I was hiding from him, and I found my brother and I was trying to tell him what happened to me and he thought it was funny, so I burned the house down with them in it and all I could see was my brother laughing and sticking his finger up at me from within the flames. I was so scared, I woke up with my heart beating so fast it scared me.

Blah blah blah…

Why do I keep writing? I think I will go find all my old diaries from my fucked up teenage years and start typing them onto the net, then I can rest assured that I will be able to relive those godawful years forever… I dunno…. dsaheahrfd dfv;lksdjfvla cs;az

I just don’t want to be at work today, I just want to be somewhere where I can forget about my life and relax, smile and be happy. I want to hug him… fuck. I HAVE to get OVER this. I don’t think I should go to this concert with my brother and him this weekend… I am only going to see him, I don’t even really like the music, but goddammit I just want to see him

SO

FUCKING

BAD

and I know I shouldn’t… I should feel guilty about it, I should feel so fucking badly… well I guess I do in a way. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend any more… he doesn’t deserve it, but he won’t let me leave. He couldn’t care less if I love someone else, so long as I am with him. I don’t know what to do………………….

Someone tell me what to do please…. I am drowning in my own stupid mess and I cannot get that last gasp of air that will let me swim back to the top of the ocean….

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It’s been awhile

Since I could say that I wasn’t addicted

Since I could say I love myself as well

Since I’ve gone and fucked things

up just like I always do

But all that shit seems to

disappear when I’m with you

It’s Been Awhile – Staind