I want the wind

to just blow through me

not to part

around my form

I want the rain

to drizzle down

through my flesh

to puddle where my feet are not

I want the sun

to play in the air

where I cannot be seen

to cast no shadow of mine

I want the grass

to poke through

my soles without

bending and being crushed

I want to affect

or to not affect

anything at all

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“Let it all hang out. Let it seem bitchy, catty, dykey, frustrated, crazy, nutty, frigid, ridiculous, bitter,embarrassing, man-hating, libelous, pure, unfair, envious,intuitive, low-down, stupid, petty, liberating. We are the womenthat men have warned us about.”

– Robin Morgan

Well work last night was a late one As I am sure you guessed by my last entry *grin* I didn’t get out of here until nearly 7pm, so there was NO WAY I was cooking, which leads me to believe I really should attempt to do something housewifey tonight and cook and clean *uggghhh* *shudder*

I did absolutely sweet FA last night, watched TV and veged.

Apparently out reviews are in progress, the sales guys have theirs yesterday and today, so maybe that means I will get mine done sometime prior to pay day in 4 days, given two of them are the weekend I somehow doubt it. All of you probably think I don’t deserve a pay rise, given the amount of time I write in my diary *grin* but I work my ass off too

Bah back to the grind… tootles

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“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone” ~ Sherrie, Frasier.

Still at work… so much happening… just been flat out all day, have barely had time to chat and check emails *grin*

I am still all fluey if that is a work, fuck it if it’s not. And I should probably still be in bed! But it cannot be helped, this project is really important to the company and will mean a whole shitload of new business if it goes well tomorrow. Hopefully that means I get to relax a little tomorrow, that would be good. At least I DID get a break for lunch today, unlike last week… bloody macca’s again though… so easy.. so quick.

I got flowers yesterday *grin* Thanks Tom… no i will not call you a stalker in my diary. Flowers all the way from the US to Australia instantly.. ins’t technology great? They really brightened my day…

Blah blah blah I guess…

Men suck… well the ones you get involved with do, friends a the best! I am so pissed off at a few of them at the moment! Fuck them for fuckeing around great girls…

Well anyways enough of my dribbling shit… more cutting and pasting to do before I go home… wish it was clag I could pretend I was in primary shool and eat it surreptitiously behind my artwork *grin*

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“A REALLY GOOD KISS CAN ERASE 2 PERSONALITY DEFECTS. MORE IF THERE IS ALCOHOL INVOLVED” Kelly ~ The Secret Life of Us

Well I suck don’t I? So much for good food, Macca’s for tea last night bad girl bad girl… bf’s Mum was in hospital, so we got home really late and blowed if I was cooking at 9:30, my new favorite TV show was on so I had take away… *sigh* Never mind. No i hav a sore throat and cannot swallow much so hopefully that will restrict my diet a bit LOL…

Enough about food already girl come on! Well I am hungry shut up… VBladfaskjfchalskcm “

I am in a fucked up mood. Chatting to a guy off Hot or Not at the moment. Hi Seth if I ever give you this link *giggle* I doubt it, I feel so light headed today, maybe I should do my best cheerleader impersonation… *uh hi *giggle* I like you *giggle* Wanna suck face *giggle* ?*

Ahh fuck fuck fuck.

I think I had best end this before you all think I am nuts and commit me…

Tootles.

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“sometimes I think I understand everything then I regain consciousness”

I feel slightly more human now I have eaten, still bad food, was in a hurry I give up, I am sick and tired and I don’t have the energy to look after myself at the moment.

La di da… I am so glad my friend Carl has shown up again, I missed having him around to have fun with on MSN and relieve the stress of work Even if oyu are not happy at the moment buddy, I still luvs ya… and still glad to talk to you…

Bah back to work.

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“When you are sober, good ideas are good ideas and bad ideas are bad ideas. When you are drunk, all ideas are good ideas” Evan ~ The Secret Life of Us.

Well what a weekend

I had always been planning to go to a concert on Saturday night, as the guy I want was going with my brother… along with another guy I don’t really know. He rang on Sat afternoon to ask if I wanted to buy his ticket as he had decided to go to Geelong for some reason intead… I told him I would if he could get it to me, he said he couldn’t so I said no. I still wanted to go though so I rang up the pub to see if tickets were still available. SOLD OUT!!!! I was crushed. I don’t really know anything by the band, but my boyfriend had a work dinner on and I really wanted to go out. I was like… OH.

So I told the girl on the phone that I did have a ticket, but the guy who bought it for me had nicked of to Geelong with it and I had no way of getting it off him in the next 2 hours before the show started. She told me there were plenty of tickets left for the next night, I said no that’s my Mum’s birthday I can’t then. So she put me on to her manager… who said he would put my name on the door for me, thereby saving me another $22… *big grin* so I got to go for nothing!!! The bands were really good, I bought the support band’s CD yesterday… My brother has all the main band’s CD’s…

But on the downside, as I was driving and therefore not drinking, nothing happened… *pout* I have got to give up on this and get over it, I just keep getting more and more depressed and it is not good. I need to find the old love off switch that I found for my boyfriend… *sigh*

I now HAVE RESOLVE to lose weight… I got on the scales this morning… big UGGGHHHH…. so I have to stop eating so much junk food… I am 99% doing it for me… but I cannot help thinking, that maybe I would have more of a chance with him if I did…

Shit boss is here, will finish later…

Tata

Well it is now 4:07PM

I got told off for my above statement before *grin* I KNOW I SHOULD ONLY CHANGE FOR MYSELF Don’t stress people, I am not doing it for him… I want to be happier in myself, and to fit into my old jeans goddammit! I own 10 pairs and can only wear 2 pairs, (my fat jeans *grin*)

I am also dertermined to exercise more… the sun just came out for the first time today, hopefully it will last and I can go for a walk tonight… then netball tomorrow night… ahh but that is enough about exercise, horrible thing that it is

I am pissed off with bf… keeps spending too much of our money… fuck it I am going to buy my purple boots next month… I know I know… at least he spends money I am a liar and a cheat…

I think he is up to something in that department too… I hope so…

On that cheerful note I am going to finish my work and go home, I am fucking starving no time for lunch *sigh*

Seeya ppls

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“Yes I feel emphatic about not being static”

Incubus ~ When it comes

Hey, the anonymous message leaver… let me contact you!! You know who you are, you left me this today

ive been blinded with my own blinkers but i see you now standing before me and i want to remind you that i love you we travel in similar directions along different lines i care

I like the things you leave for me, and I want to know more about you…

I watched a documentary the other night called The Merchants of Cool, detailing the rise and rise of products in America, and who makes things cool… Limp Bizkit were one product examined… and I have to say it was sickening. The links between the cool companies, such as MTV are just amazing. There is no such thing as achieving something on your own merits in America. Which brings me to adidas and nike.

Hands up who saw the adidas advertising campaign recently?

“Adidas makes you cool. Adidas makes you better.”

Oh god I wanted to throw the TV through the window when I saw that fucking shit. I was so pissed off at the people who try to warp children’s minds… WAKE UP PEOPLE! YOUR CLOTHES ARE NOT WHO YOU ARE, IF THEY ARE, WELL I AM PROUD TO BE AN OP SHOP! FUCK YOU COOL BRANDS!

I am pleased to note that i only saw the ad twice, and was about to begin campaigning to have it taken off air, when suddenly it stopped cropping up, obviously someone beat me to it…

So how did I get to this ranting!! Sheesh…

Okay on with the show people, nothing to see here, back off back to your own lives…

I love you all dahhhhlinks!

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Truth. Beauty. Freedom. And Above all things Love!

~Moulin Rouge and the delectable Ewan McGregor… who has seen Velvet Goldmine… ohhhhhhhhhhh

I just had to put this in… the lyrics got to me

“Follow Me” – Uncle Kracker

You don’t know how you met me, you don’t know why

You can’t turn around and say goodbye,

All you know is when I’m with you, I make you free,

And swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea.

I’m singing follow me and everything is all right,

I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night,

And if you wanna leave, I can guarantee,

You won’t find nobody else like me

I’m not worried about the ring you wear,

‘Cuz as long as no one knows then nobody can care,

Your feeling guilty and I’m well aware,

But you don’t look ashamed and baby I’m not scared.

Won’t give you money, (A)can’t give you the sky,

Your better off if you don’t ask why,

I’m not the reason you go astray,

We’ll be alright if you don’t ask me to stay.

Follow me and everything is all right,

I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night,

And if you wanna leave,

I can guarantee you won’t find nobody else like me

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“The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.”

– Eudora Welty

Well my kitty came home yesterday morning Yay!! Very cold and sorry for himself.. he slept for SOOOOO long… Kinda like me this morning… I stayed in bed for the first 3 hours of work… I just felt so shit…

I am a mess I think. I don’t know, maybe I am okay??? Who the fuck knows…

For some reason the bitch at work is ignoring me again or else being rude… I have no fucking idea why… she was fine when I finished work on Friday Tuesday morning… utter mega bitch. Fuck the dumb ass slut, she is fucking stupid and has no comprehension of what a bitch she really is.

I am so depressed Dawson’s Creek is finished for the year LOL… nah I just have to find something else to watch on a Thursday night. Or I could get a life… but that is too complex an idea… Everytime I get a life I screw it up… so I think I should just let life drift on it’s own for a while… my effort to grab hold of it and bend it to my will tend to tie it in knots.

I had a fucked up dream last night, my boyfriend raped me and I was hiding from him, and I found my brother and I was trying to tell him what happened to me and he thought it was funny, so I burned the house down with them in it and all I could see was my brother laughing and sticking his finger up at me from within the flames. I was so scared, I woke up with my heart beating so fast it scared me.

Blah blah blah…

Why do I keep writing? I think I will go find all my old diaries from my fucked up teenage years and start typing them onto the net, then I can rest assured that I will be able to relive those godawful years forever… I dunno…. dsaheahrfd dfv;lksdjfvla cs;az

I just don’t want to be at work today, I just want to be somewhere where I can forget about my life and relax, smile and be happy. I want to hug him… fuck. I HAVE to get OVER this. I don’t think I should go to this concert with my brother and him this weekend… I am only going to see him, I don’t even really like the music, but goddammit I just want to see him

SO

FUCKING

BAD

and I know I shouldn’t… I should feel guilty about it, I should feel so fucking badly… well I guess I do in a way. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend any more… he doesn’t deserve it, but he won’t let me leave. He couldn’t care less if I love someone else, so long as I am with him. I don’t know what to do………………….

Someone tell me what to do please…. I am drowning in my own stupid mess and I cannot get that last gasp of air that will let me swim back to the top of the ocean….

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It’s been awhile

Since I could say that I wasn’t addicted

Since I could say I love myself as well

Since I’ve gone and fucked things

up just like I always do

But all that shit seems to

disappear when I’m with you

It’s Been Awhile – Staind

Well. What a weekend. I cannot believe we all made it home in one piece, the smell of disaster hung in the air all the time, but we scraped by without too much heartache and despair. On most counts anyway.

My kittie is missing again though. Please come home tonight The Minifat… I couldn’t bear to lose you!!!!

I am in love. I so so so wish I wasn’t… I was determined that I would do nothing else bad until I had resolved my relationship issues at home. I was positive I would stick to it right up until half way through a bottle of bacardi. Alcohol is such a bad idea if you are making resolutions with yourself. Mental note for next weekend… NO GROG!

I wound up with my pain in the ass love again, but I don’t think it was a very good idea. I am falling further and further in love with him. And it sucks because his sentences always end in but… and I am feeling like shit.

GRRRRGRRRGRRRRGRRRRGRRRRGRRRR

We really click when we are “together” but when we have to talk to each other in the light of day and sober it is awkward. In the dark we say so much, in the light it seems silly that we could have said that! Well it seems like he thinks it was dumb. He keeps telling me he is no good at expressing feelings etc, but he is good at it when he tries, and oh god why am I drivelling stilllllll……….

Upshot of weekend. Made out, felt up, then ignored.

Fuck

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“I don’t give a dman if you don’t like me cos I don’t like you cos you’re not like me” ~ Bloodhound Gang