Short entry today. Just while I am waiting for our work’s ISP to sort out why our domain names aren’t doing what they should. I could end up with a long entry after all judging by their incompetence. I wouldn’t have thought it would be hard to make a .com site divert to a .com.au site.. but apparently it is like super difficult you know…

I am tossing something up now. I met a guy on hot or not, just as a friend, who is coming to Melbourne in a few weeks for business, and wants to meet up for a drink, strictly platonic he says, (he has a wife and kids)… I don’t know if that is a good idea. I might see if my brother wants to come along with me… might be safer… what do you think my people?? Speaking of that, I had one response to my please for some acknowlegement yesterday, thankyou anon. If it was Rose, well I know you read and care doll, if not, thanks to my mystery reader… nice to know someone is listening…

Well I best be off…

Tootles…

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“This head is empty and for display purposes only, the brain is being stored behind the counter for safe keeping” ~ Me..

I have a head ache *grrrrrrr* I am not good with headaches and I get them so damned often..

I am also frustrated with the bloody printer which is not printing anywhere *nearly* as quickly as it could be!!! *sigh*

I wonder if anyone other than Rose reads this…

Someone write to me and tell me you care…

I guess I could tell someone I keep a bloody diary hey? Nah I don’t want most of the people in my life to know me this well… I am still mostly a private person, and everyone I know in real life thinks I am so stable and dependable and open. I don’t think anyone I know thinks I hide anything from anyone… I know I talk a lot, but not about anything of great importance…

I don’t even know why I am writing in here today, just waffling along as usual Bored at work I guess.

They can probably get my entries I write here at work from our server history, maybe I will get fired for wasting company time and for being a nutcase!! *grin*

Woohoo… Incubus are touring soon… tickets on sale very soon.. cannot wait Will be a great concert. Goddamn it, Triple M are doing an all Aussie day and now we have to listen to bloody skyhooks… sheesh, Ihaven’t been *that* bad surely…

I have met so many cool people on the net lately. Mainly on hot or not, a couple through this place.

I flicked through a couple of other peoples entries on this, there are an extraordinary amount of people into self mutilation and such stuff. I could never have done that to myself, I hate pain.. I am such a little girl when it comes to cutting myself or bruises… I just want to hug them all and say it is gong to get better, life always sucks for normal kids… I sure as hell did for me, not as much as some people I know… but it felt bad at the time.

Still missing him… wish I could just call him and go and say hi, would put me on such a high for a few days… always does when we catch up… but they don’t even have a damn phone anymore… and we only have the one car and I cannot explain my movements every time I want the car… I shouldn’t even *think* about him… it is nothing to him… fuck ‘em and leave ‘em… *sigh* Why can I not fall back in love with someone who really wants me… why is it always the ones who hurt me I want????

*sigh*

*big sigh*

I feel like i am still 14, I should stop comlaining… I turned 23 the other day JESUS CHRIST GIRL…

Take care anyone out there…

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“The darkest hour is just before the dawn”

It has been a while huh?

Birthday has come and gone… wasn’t a disaster wasn’t anything spectacular, just another year marked…

I have updated my webpage if anyone is interested…

http://destined.to/Denni

I like the address It is still hosted at geocities, but diverted through Bravenet…

I cannot believe I am sitting here listening to TTFM, the greatest love of all… oh god I hate this station… Hurry up and leave everyone else so I can put JJJ or MMM on…

I have been cooking and cleaning a bit lately, I cannot figure out what is wrong with me Hence I cannot wait til lunch time… mmmmm leftovers

Fuck I am bored. Today has been a total waste of time. I have achieved very very little at work this morning. I have answered all my emails… there are some real weirdos emailing me these days. It is amazing how I attract them… one guy I have only had 2 previous emails from before starts telling me about he is going on a date and thinks the best outcome is he will get laid, the worst is he will have to meet her friends. Uggh think I won’t write back anymore… weirdos… much as I like a little bit of weird, these guys are pushing the boundaries. Maybe I am over reacting due to stress and illness… I don’t know…

I am missing someone so much at the moment… I feel like I am going nuts. I am not sleeping again… just thinking waaaaay too much. I have to get over it…

Well that’s it for me now…

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“Well since age twelve, I’ve felt like I’m someone elseCause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt” – Eminem – My Name Is…

Fuck it all… I am in the filthiest mood. I just had a phone call from the police. I may be charged with careless driving as a result of the car accident I had on Sunday. Ooohhh she was not injured… she was fine!!! She ws walking around… if she was injured it certainly didn’t affect her bad nature. Like I need more shit in my life. Do I sound selfish? I don’t give a shit!!!!! I am now $700 down for the excess on my boyfriends car insurance… and without a car for a couple of weeks and arrrrrgggggghhhhhh! I always knew the week leading up to your birthday sucked, but this one has far surpassed even my terrible fascinations…

First the battery on my car dies. Jump starts, pushing all the shit. Second the cat runs away (okay, he came back, but he still worried me for 2 days). 3rd I got lost on my way to a TV show taping, I really wanted to go to and missed most of it. Fourth I spent the whole weekend fighting with the bf, after finally owning up to just not being able to stand sleeping with him anymore… nothing personal mind you. 4th car accident. 5th Police… I know I am not a good person, but I am not that bad to have worked up all this cosmic bad karma am I? Probably… I AM NOT VERY NICE SOMETIMES… *sigh* maybe I should reinvent myself for the thousandth time?? If I am not happy as I am…

On the up side. I saw my great auntie on Sunday and she was lucid enough to know who we all are and to really appreciate our visit. Much as I hate seeing her like that, I like to visit her. She was even able to joke about her blindness, parting with, well it was nice to see you all, well not SEE but you know what I mean and a big smile.

Mum also broached the subject of maybe giving my brother and I the deposit for a house, which she will keep a share in as a way of investing her small savings. It might solve a few of my problems if it is viable. I don’t know. I still feel terrible about hurting people, especially my boyfriend, after he is trying to hard to make things work. Arrgh no not getting back on that topic again.

Well it is my birthday on Saturday. As usual.. my friends are all busy, not able to make it for the 2nd year in a row. *sigh* I drive 2 hours each way to be at other people birthdas for them, but no one gives a shit when it comes to mine. Well I am used to it I guess… The people who count will be there *hugs to all those who will be* I don’t want presents, I just want to see my friends all in one place. Have some fun like we all used to.

Death to the football which steals everyone away for the night!!!!! Death death death death death…

Well on that note I shall fare thee well…

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Take me there take me with you

I can’t be alone tonight

I can’t be alone tonight

I can’t trust myself tonight

I can’t trust myself tonight

Baby please don’t trust me tonight

No please don’t trust me tonight

Ain’t nothing working

Ain’t nothing right

There’s a whole in me that I can’t fill

No matter how hard I try

Ain’t nothing sweeter there ain’t nothing wrong

All the pain that I receive keeps me strong

It keeps me moving on

I just want your company

I want you to comfort me just come with me

I just want your company

I want you to comfort me just come with me

I just want your company

I want you to comfort me just come with me

Comfort me Just come with me

Comfort me Just come with me

hed (PE) – Bartender

So depressed, just had to write for a bit. My puddy cat is missing, I know you aren’t supposed to have favorites, they are like kids to me, but he is my favorite. Minifat where are you bubs???

And seeing as I am here, I may as well write a proper entry. My mind is in turmoil… I don’t know what to do with myself. I sit still for 10 minutes and I want to scream, I cannot focus on anything.

I saw someone last night I was not supposed to, which probably explains my state of mind this morning. In conjunction with a sleepless night on the couch waiting for my cat to come home.

I feel like my mind is disintegrating, one little piece at a time, I know each piece is just hiding somewhere up the back, like a kid who hasn’t done the work not wanting to be called on. Each tiny part is scared I will try to make use of it to sort out my life, and doesn’t want the repsonsibility for the mess I have created. Oh god that sounds ridiculous. I do not believe in delete, I will not delete anything from this.

I have so much work to do *sigh* another day, another nightmare.

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“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.” – Mark Twain

Just a quick note, only because the evil diary is emailing me to tell me I have not written, well d’uh!!

I am back from my trip, had a really good weekend with my boyfriend up there, and I hoped and prayed the whole time that I would be able to see a future for us, but no such luck! So I will be looking for a new place to live, anyone

willing to take in a 22 year old girl and her 3 felines, drop me a note!! LOL….

Seriously… it will be hard but I am starting to be pretty sure I am strong enough to make this huge leap into the unknown. I know how much support I will get from my friends and the members of my family who count.

I have been thinking a lot lately. My friend Rose (the culprit reponsible for me writing this!) wrote a lengthy entry the other day about suicide and options. I have not seriously considered that option myself in, I think I worked it out to about 7 years. I have threatened, and contemplated, but I have not actually thought of it as an option since I was about 15. I use that time now to bring myself into a reality check whenever I am so depressed I cannot fathom life.

I look back.

7 years ago, I was “in love” with a guy who slept with anything that moved, except me, I was strong enough to say no! I was fighting with every family member I had, I was arguing with my friends, and I wanted to die. I cannot count the number of times I sat with knife in hand tracing veins. Looking back now, I remember the agony, I remember the heartache, I remember the reasons, but I cannot comprehend suicide as a solution, what was I thinking? I played games with myself, if one friend rings in the next 24 hours, I know that it is not worth. I would be mixed up inside, please let someone ring, I don’t want to do this, or please let them all forget me, I want this to be over. I though if my mum hugged me just once, I could live. Then when she tried I screamed at her. But the attempt was there so I lived.

I lived through it all, I grew strong off the pain, and now I feel like I can handle this life, no matter what it throws at me. I will never hurt people close to me by taking the easy road. I will toil, I will face trials, I will cry, endlessly over some things. But I will live.

I am strong. I am me. I will love myself, even when no one else does.

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“All men may be born equal, but that does not mean identical” – W.G.P.

Greetings and Salutations from my first cyber cafe. I am bored. Very very bored… Everyone else is up in their rooms working on ugggghhh work stuff LOL… SOI ventured all the way across the road from the hotel, all by myself to sit here and write this.

I have been a ball of emotions all day, mainly exhaustion, now fueled by Bacardi Wine And Kahlua…LOL… not all in one glass… One for each course of the dinner

I am currently trying to get into my email account.. ouch.. not working. I want to write to people, I am lacking communication at the moment. I am sick of just the people I work with, and dammit that spunky electrician at the exhibition *I am a poet* won’t pay attention to me!! Just kidding, I have not tried to talk to anybody like that *grin* Those who know me… well believe what you want!

I miss my MSN friends Hi Rose… I wish I missed my boyfriend… he rings me twice a day, maybe he could give me a *chance* to miss him?? Maybe I could if I had the opportunity. Nah, it is too far gone for that. I will have to start looking for a place when I get home… I am dreading it, but it just has to be done. In spite of telling him over and over I don’t want to be there, he is still making plans for “our future”.

I wonder how much money I will spend in here… Sitting here on hot or ot looking at all the dorks who want to meet me, I will click yes to anyone tonight, I am lonely.

Dagnamit, the email STILL won’t work…

Well maybe I should end this before I get stupid… LMAO too late… As my grandfather used to say, or was it my dad? …

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“Too late! Too late she cried, waving her wooden leg” – What the fuck does that mean??????