Just a quick note, only because the evil diary is emailing me to tell me I have not written, well d’uh!!
I am back from my trip, had a really good weekend with my boyfriend up there, and I hoped and prayed the whole time that I would be able to see a future for us, but no such luck! So I will be looking for a new place to live, anyone
willing to take in a 22 year old girl and her 3 felines, drop me a note!! LOL….
Seriously… it will be hard but I am starting to be pretty sure I am strong enough to make this huge leap into the unknown. I know how much support I will get from my friends and the members of my family who count.
I have been thinking a lot lately. My friend Rose (the culprit reponsible for me writing this!) wrote a lengthy entry the other day about suicide and options. I have not seriously considered that option myself in, I think I worked it out to about 7 years. I have threatened, and contemplated, but I have not actually thought of it as an option since I was about 15. I use that time now to bring myself into a reality check whenever I am so depressed I cannot fathom life.
I look back.
7 years ago, I was “in love” with a guy who slept with anything that moved, except me, I was strong enough to say no! I was fighting with every family member I had, I was arguing with my friends, and I wanted to die. I cannot count the number of times I sat with knife in hand tracing veins. Looking back now, I remember the agony, I remember the heartache, I remember the reasons, but I cannot comprehend suicide as a solution, what was I thinking? I played games with myself, if one friend rings in the next 24 hours, I know that it is not worth. I would be mixed up inside, please let someone ring, I don’t want to do this, or please let them all forget me, I want this to be over. I though if my mum hugged me just once, I could live. Then when she tried I screamed at her. But the attempt was there so I lived.
I lived through it all, I grew strong off the pain, and now I feel like I can handle this life, no matter what it throws at me. I will never hurt people close to me by taking the easy road. I will toil, I will face trials, I will cry, endlessly over some things. But I will live.
I am strong. I am me. I will love myself, even when no one else does.
“All men may be born equal, but that does not mean identical” – W.G.P.