I am sitting here listening to Creed, which I shouldn’t because it always makes me sad, contemplating my life.
How did I screw this up so badly? What happened to those ecstatic moments when I knew I was going to see my boyfriend? Where are those high school days now? 6 years later and I cannot wait til next weekend and I go interstate and get 5 days of peace and quiet. What the hell happened??? I am so upset, all the time and I hurt him constantly. He wants to hold me, I am cooking dinner, he wants to kiss me, I am trying to read a book, he wants to make love, I am tired… I want so much for things to go back to how they were, for us to be the happiest couple anyone knew. No that is bullshit, we have always argued, but we have always made up. Now I just don’t care enough to start the argument. If he comes home late, I am glad, I got to watch what I want on tv. If a girl rings him and he takes the call in another room, I give him shit about dating other people. I just don’t care anymore. It has taken me so long to realise. And it fucking hurts. Apathy is the worst feeling.
But have my brother tell me his friend met someone on the train? I go tothe toilets at work and cry… how did I fell in love with someone 4 years younger, still a teenager for Christ’s sake? How did I get to the stage where I cry myself to sleep over a fucking kid??? Where the fact that he just wanted to get laid surprised me? How can I want him over my caring boyfriend who just wants to build the world as I want it? I know I complained just an hour or so ago about his wanting to make a video, but his reasoning for that was so that I won’t have to be bothered with his sexual needs when I don’t want to… which is so apt, I cannot be bothered. Yes I still enjoy sex, I just don’t enjoy it with him. I cannot remember the last time I wanted to with him. Or the last time I enjoyed it with him without pretending to be somewhere else with someone else. But I cannot tell him that, it owuld hurt him too much. He knows I have slept with other guys, I have told him, first time vainly in the hope that it would force him to leave me, but he still clung to me… the second time, I told him I wanted to be with the other guy, thinking he cnnot want me if he knows my heart is somewhere else… is he stupid? Obsessed? Or just so in love me with nothing I say or do matters. He will hurt inside and still want to be with me??
I am going so fucking insane… Every minute with him makes me want to scream, but every time I try to leave, I look at the hurt in his eyes and I feel so damn guilty at all I have put him through, I just want to kill myself. How could I be such a callous and uncaring person as to put this genuinely nice guy (and his family, which I am pretty much a part of) through this???
I know it is not all my fault… he started it when we were first living together, about 5 years ago. He refused to get a job after high school finished and I supported us, because I worshipped the ground he walked on. Then he finally got a job, and all of a sudden he wanted nothing to do with me. He came home late, he didn’t want to touch me and I got suspicious. He went out without me, wouldn’t let me come. Weeks went by and he wouldn’t talk about it. I was miserable. Everything else in my life suffered. I had given up all my friends from school, my decision I know, but he didn’t get along with them, and to be perfectly honest, neither did I… so I suffered through it, I questioned him we fought and fought and fought. So much has happened since then, I have cheated, and cheated and he has lied and lied… how can we have a future together??? Someone help me please… what have I done? I hate myself so fucking much… I knwo it is all my fault, everyone tells me I have made this mess, I have to deal with it.
I know Rose… I know it is all up to me, and why would a guy I love want me when I already have a guy??? Of course he doesn’t give a shit, I know…. but it doesn’t stop it fucking hurting does it??? Sorry I am not angry at my friends, they have tried to putit all in perspective for me. They tell me to just leave… to go and walk away. But it is not that easy, they don’t like my boyfriend, they don’t get along with him… they don’t see that injured look on his face when I try to leave. I know in the long run I am making it worse by staying, every day it gets harder and harder to go. I think I will just have to leave one day while he is at work and not come back… but how can I do that??? It would crush him. he threatens suicide if I leave… what if he means it? What if it isn’t an empty threat????
Spiralling down and down here….
“Life’s a bitch then you die”