Pushing Me Away… Linkin Park… love the band… love the song… it is so fitting… boyfriend likes it too, doesn’t get the significance of me singing it to him *sigh* (see below for lyrics)

I am so so so tired… I just want to curl up and sleep for weeks on end, shut out the world, shut out the pain, shut out the people I don’t care about, and the ones who don’t care about me. Yet I feel like singing, really really loudly, in front of all the people I work with, just to show them I am here, I am alive, I am coping, goddamnit I am coping… Stranger still is they don’t have any clue that I might not be, or that I have anything in this world to not be coping with… Oblivion is the best medicine…

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I’ve lied to you

The same way that I always do

This is the last smile

That I’ll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

(Everything has to end, you’ll soon find we’re out of time left to watch it all unwind)

The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away

Why I played myself this way

Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I’ve tried like you

To do everything you wanted too

This is the last time

I’ll take the blame for the sake of being with you

We’re all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

We’re all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds

The sacrifice is never knowing

Alright, I hate the world today, don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning… BAH!

I am so pissed at my Dad… I asked him to help me out with financial stuff, if he could go guarantor for me or something to refinance all my debts. Umm, he has to “think” about it, and there will be conditions placed on what the money is used for, and I am not allowed to borrow more, fuck it. I will continue on my own, I am not going to be beholden to anyone anymore. I will make it through all this on my own, just like I have so far.

24 hours to go until I leave for work trip. COunt down is on, I have no clean clothes, have not thought about anything to take… it is a disorganised mess, but I will sort it all out eventually. Well maybe not eventually, but I will sort it out, I don’t have time for “eventually” LOL.

I made a new penpal friend the other day thanks to hotornot, in spite of them rejecting my profile all the damn time. So what if I hide my email address in the all the time LOL… sue me. Christopher is keeping me amused, he is much older, much wiser and fun to talk to. He was dubious about clicking “yes” to me as there is a 20 year age difference, but for penpals who cares? Hopefully some more people write to me, I have 2 Christophers so far LOL… one a 42 year old philosopher of sorts and a 20 year old dope addict into heavy metal music LOL… I should be steering clear of people under 21 given my recent history I think oh well… bad girl… LMAO…

Grr argh grr argh

Time to get back to work…

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“You contemptible shrew” – Stewie, The Family Guy

What a tool… I worried my friend over this silly diary! Sorry hun…

I just thought I would write in it again, and give a more balanced perspective of myself… I am FINE! Well as close as I personally can come to fine. I am HUNGRY though… so I will have to do something about that immediate problem very shortly.

I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until I get to go away for a few days, thrown myself into work and forget about my life for a little while.

I am oging to start looking for a new place to live when I get back. I am going to have to get the guts and the determination to walk away. It will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but I am just not happy, so I have to try to fix that. I can’t spend my life trying to make everyone around me happy without worrying about myself. I know I have a lousy way of making others happy so I will change it.

I will be strong… I will be strong… new mantra.

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“Pity the meek for they shall inherit the Earth” – Don Marquis

I feel much better today, so I will not whinge and complain this entry away, and it will be SHORT, as I am BUSY at work LOL…

I think I may have worried someone with my last entry, I hope not, but if I did, I am SORRY. I shouldn’t have written it publicly, I forgot all about that while I was writing it… *hugz to you for worrying if you did*

Actually I have little fo great value to impart today… hopefully I will buy a new car tonight… and get rid of the hunk of junk I drive around at the moment…

Arrrgghhh nothing else to say

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“The best way to solve problems is not to create them” – PK Shaw

I am sitting here listening to Creed, which I shouldn’t because it always makes me sad, contemplating my life.

How did I screw this up so badly? What happened to those ecstatic moments when I knew I was going to see my boyfriend? Where are those high school days now? 6 years later and I cannot wait til next weekend and I go interstate and get 5 days of peace and quiet. What the hell happened??? I am so upset, all the time and I hurt him constantly. He wants to hold me, I am cooking dinner, he wants to kiss me, I am trying to read a book, he wants to make love, I am tired… I want so much for things to go back to how they were, for us to be the happiest couple anyone knew. No that is bullshit, we have always argued, but we have always made up. Now I just don’t care enough to start the argument. If he comes home late, I am glad, I got to watch what I want on tv. If a girl rings him and he takes the call in another room, I give him shit about dating other people. I just don’t care anymore. It has taken me so long to realise. And it fucking hurts. Apathy is the worst feeling.

But have my brother tell me his friend met someone on the train? I go tothe toilets at work and cry… how did I fell in love with someone 4 years younger, still a teenager for Christ’s sake? How did I get to the stage where I cry myself to sleep over a fucking kid??? Where the fact that he just wanted to get laid surprised me? How can I want him over my caring boyfriend who just wants to build the world as I want it? I know I complained just an hour or so ago about his wanting to make a video, but his reasoning for that was so that I won’t have to be bothered with his sexual needs when I don’t want to… which is so apt, I cannot be bothered. Yes I still enjoy sex, I just don’t enjoy it with him. I cannot remember the last time I wanted to with him. Or the last time I enjoyed it with him without pretending to be somewhere else with someone else. But I cannot tell him that, it owuld hurt him too much. He knows I have slept with other guys, I have told him, first time vainly in the hope that it would force him to leave me, but he still clung to me… the second time, I told him I wanted to be with the other guy, thinking he cnnot want me if he knows my heart is somewhere else… is he stupid? Obsessed? Or just so in love me with nothing I say or do matters. He will hurt inside and still want to be with me??

I am going so fucking insane… Every minute with him makes me want to scream, but every time I try to leave, I look at the hurt in his eyes and I feel so damn guilty at all I have put him through, I just want to kill myself. How could I be such a callous and uncaring person as to put this genuinely nice guy (and his family, which I am pretty much a part of) through this???

I know it is not all my fault… he started it when we were first living together, about 5 years ago. He refused to get a job after high school finished and I supported us, because I worshipped the ground he walked on. Then he finally got a job, and all of a sudden he wanted nothing to do with me. He came home late, he didn’t want to touch me and I got suspicious. He went out without me, wouldn’t let me come. Weeks went by and he wouldn’t talk about it. I was miserable. Everything else in my life suffered. I had given up all my friends from school, my decision I know, but he didn’t get along with them, and to be perfectly honest, neither did I… so I suffered through it, I questioned him we fought and fought and fought. So much has happened since then, I have cheated, and cheated and he has lied and lied… how can we have a future together??? Someone help me please… what have I done? I hate myself so fucking much… I knwo it is all my fault, everyone tells me I have made this mess, I have to deal with it.

I know Rose… I know it is all up to me, and why would a guy I love want me when I already have a guy??? Of course he doesn’t give a shit, I know…. but it doesn’t stop it fucking hurting does it??? Sorry I am not angry at my friends, they have tried to putit all in perspective for me. They tell me to just leave… to go and walk away. But it is not that easy, they don’t like my boyfriend, they don’t get along with him… they don’t see that injured look on his face when I try to leave. I know in the long run I am making it worse by staying, every day it gets harder and harder to go. I think I will just have to leave one day while he is at work and not come back… but how can I do that??? It would crush him. he threatens suicide if I leave… what if he means it? What if it isn’t an empty threat????

Spiralling down and down here….

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“Life’s a bitch then you die”

Just a quick note today… I am about to head off from work to get ready for a surprise party

Men are unbelievable, I am so totally freaked out by my “boyfriend” at the moment. We have had so much trouble recently, and now he wants me to make a fucking “video” with him?? Jesus… men suck…. maybe I should “turn”???

On that topic… it has always enthralled me… I grew up with crushes on different girls at different times, nothing much has changed, I just have not acted on any of them.

I fell for a girl when I was in year 9, she was in year 10 and at a different school. We played in a team together on weekends, it was a little crush, funny I think. I have since followed this up with numerous similar experiences… the strongest during my final year of high school… she was georgeous… wonder what she is doing now? As one of the popular people, and with “girl kissing” now in vogue she might be interested?? LOL… nah just kidding.

Oh well there is something for me to dwell on over the weekend…

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“Personally I have always found the truth to be a slippery little devil, and not much fun either” Drue Valentine ~ Dawson’s Creek

Here I sit… it is nearly time to go home from work (yes I do work mostly, but I am waiting for some brochures to print).

I got the link for this diary from a friend of mine. One of the few people I have met in real life who originated from a chat room. While she can be pretty damn insulting LOL… I like her anyways… search for Rose Stark if you want to meet her, she is worth it! Nice gal…

I don’t really know why I am writing again… Once I start these things I find it hard to stop…

I am currently contemplating the status of my life… it is in a bit of turmoil at the moment, and I am not sure where I am heading. I pity the people aorundme at the moment, and I feel awful when I drop all my baggage in their way, I feel like I am bringing them all down along with me. I am sure this is not possible… but it feels that way…

I am glad in a way that I have changed so much from when I was a kid… I could never tell anyone anything then… now I cannot stop talking! I guess I can be a bit over the top, and sometimes people just want me to shut up… now I guess they can read this and skip to the end instead

How much can I write in here I wonder if there is a limit… I hope not.

Oh well, end of the day draws nearer… I shall depart and finish things up…

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“It is better to be unfaithful, than to be faithful without wanting to be” ~ Brigitte Bardot

I have wanted a diary again for so long. I used to write religiously, every day in my colourful books. Then I found they weren’t as private as I thought. My hateful step family members had been leaving me messages written below my deepest fears, secrets and hopes. So I burnt my diaries. It hurt so much that everyone knew all about me. I was a very private teenager.

I was 16 then, and I burnt 2 years worth of notes, poems, messages and hopes. I regret it now, it seems so insignificant that those worthless people should know me. I do however still have everything from when I was 12 to when

I was 14. Every heartache, every teen angst ridden entry, all documented in my nice neat handwriting. I know my current boyfriend flicked through them one day, he got upset at a lot of things. So what? I never meant for anyone to read them. I hurt myself with a lot of the things I said about people I love, in my private moments. But each word is a piece of me and I still love myself to a certain degree.

Every mention of hating my weight, wanting to get drunk, wishing I had a boyfriend, they are all a part of me. Reading over them once in a while, I find a friend I have lost and it brings back warm memories of the occasional

happy times I experienced. And I know now, those happy moments did exist, the ones without alcohol, the ones without a guy. Those special times when you are young and with your dearest friends.

I was watching TV last night, a show called Ed. In a scene where an overweight teacher tries to instil confidence in a young unattractive girl who wants to be in a school play, she tells her that people who have things come easily to

them don’t appreciate them and don’t get as much out of life. She tells the poor young thing that it is better to have to work at things. The girl looks at her and says I would rather have an easy life and not appreciate it.

I felt the same way when I was a teenager… things never came easily to me. Well studying did, but what teenager is thankful for words and diagrams and puzzles when their friends are kissing guys? I certainly wasn’t.

Anyway, I don’t know why I am still writing, I better get back to work.

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“Never criticise someone til you have walked a mile in their shoes. Then you are a mile away and have their shoes.”