… since I updated last, a year of ups and downs, uncertainties and heartache, as well as joy and laughter, although this has been more recent and further between instances than I would have liked.
To those who commented on my last entry, I forgot to come back and check on them and the email address I get notifications on is no longer actively used and I guess my mind was elsewhere, I do apologise. Thankyou all for the words and thoughts, and to Freddi especially for checking back regularly.
This time last year was one of the toughest I have endured, but endure it I did. I don’t want to go into the details, it makes me too mad at myself and brings back too much pain, but we have worked through it together, held our little family together by threads and sheer determination and we will hopefully one day be the stronger for it. There are still times when everything falls to pieces and just a bare month ago there was talk of separation and the end of things, but each time it comes to that neither of us can quite bring ourselves to do the walking away and we piece our world back together again.
Our little Eliza was born into a relationship and family in turmoil, but she is the sunniest of babies and brings sheer joy to me every day of her existence. I barely remember life without her and as I am trying to focus on looking forward, I don’t try too hard to recall it. She’s Mummy’s Little Girl 90% of the time, and recently learned the word snuggle means cuddle up to us, which is so cute. She doesn’t do much else though lol, lazy fatty
Our Amelia starts school in 3 weeks and has the attitude of a 13 year old most of the time, but I love her just the same. She’s smart and wilful, but has a kind heart and while she is truly Daddy’s Little Girl, she does love me and I her. She’s quite the princess now with her barbies and her dress ups, she’s off in Amelialand most of the time and makes up her “true, it’s REAL” stories all the time. She sings constantly and wants to be a ballerina vet when she grows up….
The business is the biggest challenge either of us has undertaken and it is a thing that has taken over our worlds for the last year. We don’t make a cent out of it at the moment, but are hopeful we are building the basis of something that will be worthwhile in the next 12 months. It’s depressing to finish the books for the year and work out you spent about 60 hours a week working for $1.75 an hour… But better times will come, I try to stay positive as much as I can. We have a roof over our heads (thanks to mum) food in our fridge (thanks to government parenting payments) and no creditors chasing us with pitchforks just yet so we cannot complain.
Living with mum again has it’s ups and downs as well, we could not run the business without her (not while looking after the kids properly anyway) and we still get along really well, but it’s hard feeling guilty for not doing the dishes before bed, for forgetting to put the kids toys away, not that she ever says anything and never will, she knows how hard we work, but I don’t want her to be looking after us all the time, it’s too much, she’s supposed to be enjoying her retirement.
Unexpectedly we are expecting a third child, another very very rough patch for us, we certainly did not want another child, we don’t have the time, the money, (or the car!!) for another child. Ash wanted me to have an abortion, so did mum at first. I went through the motions of researching the options, the costs, the side affects, the timing, the processes, but I knew in my heart I could never do it. It took awhile for both Ash and mum to realise how badly I would go to pieces if I had to go down that path, how little of me might survive it, given my previous mental history, but eventually they both realised that it wasn’t truly an option and have tried their best with me to work out how we are going to manage in 4 months time with another bubba. Manage we will, we seem to find ways to manage everything, this will be no different.
It’s another girl we will be welcoming, I was so sure it would be a boy, the pregnancy is so different from the last 2, but the ultrasound was very clear apparently, it’s a butterfly not a worm Poor Ash, although he doesn’t really mind at all, Amelia was more disappointed as she already HAS a sister! lol.
Eliza worships Amelia, she can draw a smile in the midst of baby hysteria, everything just by being Amelia. She can also bring devastation when she dances past Eliza in her own little world without even noticing she exists, the disappointment on my baby’s face is so heartbreaking it’s almost funny. Poor Amelia when Eliza learns to move and chase her!
Well, that’s enough from me, I hope all is well in the world’s of my fellow diary keepers, as sporadic as updates are now facebook status updates as so easy to churn out….