He Did It…Again!

Okay, so, here’s a little back story before I write yet another rant…so soon. I mean, I created this blog so that I could do just this, I just didn’t think I would be doing it so often. Regardless, it has helped me move forward faster than if I just kept it all inside.

So, the story…2 years ago, I graduated college with my teaching degree. I was very, very active during college building leadership skills on top of academic achievements…things that I thought would make a difference in my looking for a job as a new teacher. I wanted any advantage I could find because I’m an “older” college grad (very late 30′s) and would be competing with some that are just barely in their 20′s. I also had 5 years of working in the education system (not as a formal teacher, but my positions were those of teaching kids).

I applied and applied and applied and to my dismay, was finding nothing…over 150 positions applied for. Granted, some positions post even if they’ve been filled because legally they have to, so you never know if a posted position is really open or just being posted legally, and you can’t take the chance on not applying for it. I ended up becoming a building substitute, meaning I would get a substitute’s daily rate, but would be guaranteed to work every day in the same building. I thought it would be a good stepping stone to finding something permanent either in that building or the district. A couple of months into the school year, something happened. A teacher went out on a medical leave and because I had already been in her room, a lot, I was placed there for what ended up being 90% of the school year…even got bumped up in pay (which was nice). I became active in the school with professional development, organizing a convocation, and even co-sponsored an after-school club (which I pretty much ran since the other teacher was often pulled away for other things). I really thought it would pay off for me to get a permanent job for the following school year. Guess what, it didn’t. And I wasn’t the only building sub in the district that it didn’t pay off for. There was another in my building and 2 more in others that I was friends with who were in the same boat as me. In the meantime, brand new grads and people without experience were getting hired on. We (the subs) just got overlooked…even though we applied and interviewed, just like the others.

Great! Back to square one for me. After all the time and effort I’d put in I was back to applying and applying and applying. This time, summer #2, I would end up applying for more than 235 positions. Just when I’d given up hope of finding something, I applied for a new posting that had appeared that morning. I applied at 11am, got a call for an interview at 1pm, interviewed at 2:30pm, and was offered the job at 6pm! Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I verbally accepted the contract and began the 3 weeks of staff training 3 days later with school starting immediately after that. Ironically, a few days into training, I was called and offered a position at a school that had me on the “short list” (I was one of three for another position), but turned it down because I had already accepted a job. I was on top of the world. Finally! I’ve got my own classroom, I’m a teacher!

This was a tough school, for staff and students. The demands were crazy high. I worked no less than 12 hours a day, sometimes 15 and sometimes even on Saturdays. That was the culture of the school. It was taking it’s toll on me, but everyone said, right from the beginning, that the first year was the toughest, no matter how long you had been teaching. I like to be an over achiever, so I was trying to find my groove and develope more efficient systems. The long, demanding schedule was taking it’s toll at home too. The  husband complained a lot about the hours I was putting in and was not very supportive. I tried to explain the demands to him and that other teachers felt the same way I did during their first year. I begged him to bear with me so that I could make it work…I wanted to make it work. Then, a nuclear bomb was dropped on my head.

An hour before winter break officially began for the teachers (break would be official at 5pm), I was working in my classroom getting report cards ready. I was having surgery the next morning (to correct some sinus & breathing issues) and knew I’d be needing rest for several days so I wanted to get as much done as possible. I had planned to be in my classroom until at least 9pm that night getting as prepared for returning after break as I could. Anyway, at 4pm, I was called to the conference room where the principal and asst. principal were waiting. Long-story short, they released me from my contract. The reasons made no sense and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. We’re a right-to-work state, so there doesn’t have to be a valid reason to fire someone. Fired…the first time in over 25 years of working, I was fired. I went back to my classroom, finished the report cards, spoke to noone, and left around 5:30pm. The next time I came to my classroom was on New Year’s Eve, to pack it up and move it out.

So, again! I’m back to square one! I even went back to being a district sub, mainly at the building where I was a permanent sub,  hoping it would get me a little more exposure. Teachers in that building were requesting me to fill in for them, so I was hoping that would help me out, too. Wrong again! I applied for open positions in the district, made it through the entire interview process. A new graduate, with absolutely zero teaching experience, went through the same process as I did (a week later) and was hired the next day! And, get this! In the building that I’d been fighting to be in for 1 1/2 years! But wait! There’s more! She my sister in law! Yeah! How’s that for feeling worthless? It’s been a month, and still nothing from that district. Again, I’m not the only one who was overlooked. One of the ladies who was a permanent sub with me before, she was overlooked the same time I was, but stayed on as a perm sub in that building for this past year, even took over a classroom (like I did), and never even made it through the whole interview process! She’s been in the same building for 2 years and was overlooked when my sis in law was hired! What’s up with that?????? I’ll tell you what…I’m done with that district…done!

All of this has really had me depressed. As much as I’ve tried to keep my chin up, stay positive, keep focusing, I can’t help but be depressed. Since December (right up to last night), I have applied for over 300 positions and only had 8 interviews so far. Every day, every email that notifies me of a position that was filled, that I never even had an interview for, I begin to question if this is what I should do. I know in my heart that I’m a great educator and that this is my passion, so I keep going.

Now, back to why “He Did It Again!” Last week, I applied at the same school I interviewed with last summer that I made the “short list” with and was offered a position that I turned down because of accpeting another. Yesterday, the principal called to set up and interview and he remembered me. He remembered everything, the short list and the job offer. He sounded happy that I was coming in. I was so excited, because if he liked me then, he’s definately going to like me now! I’m an improved version of myself since then! :0) I was so excited to tell the husband. I didn’t even text him, I wanted to tell him in person, I wanted him to see the light back on in my eyes about this one. When I told him he said, “That’s great!” And then, he dropped the negative bomb.

Then he said that he hopes I get it and I’m happy. Not just happy to have a job, but a happy person because I’m definately not a happy person and because I’m not happy I’m not doing anything. As he saw that it was upsetting me, he tried to turn it into a joke, but kept saying things like, “what I mean is, so that you’ll start working on your weight, and other stuff.” By other stuff, he means a female medical issue I’m having that’s affecting our sex life, which I am working on,  he just doesn’t take the time to talk to me about it. When he saw that he wasn’t making me feel better  he kept going with things like, it’s just that your so depressed and i’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just saying that I hope you get a job soon so you can stop being depressed.

I don’t think he understands that telling an already deeply depressed person that they need to stop being depressed doesn’t do anything but make that person feel more depressed. Needless to say, I did not speak to him the rest of the night and even went to bed 2 hours earlier than normal. He took my enthusiastic, positive mood to feeling like a squished bug and he just doesn’t get it.

Sometimes I think that because he hates his job and boss so much that he wants everyone to feel as negative as he does. Not a single day goes by that he does not complain, multiple times, about one or the other or both. And every time, I do my best to support him and throw positive reinforment out to him. Yet, he honestly isn’t doing anything to get out of the situation. When he’s had a bad day at work, every one of us in the house feels it. When one of us has a bad day, he’s the only one who acts like he could care less because he’s so wrapped up in his issues.

I’m just so tired of the put downs by him. I’m tired of him talking to me like I’m worthless. I’m tired of him not doing everything he can to help me get through my situations, like a loving, supportive husband should. Despite all of the things that he does and sometimes doesn’t do, to/for me, I still support and encourage him. I do my best to lead by example even when I can clearly see it isn’t affecting him at all to do the same.

I’ll tell you what though…he’s doing some major damage that I’m not sure he can repair this time. Once I have a job and am feeling grounded again, I’ll have to determine if it’s all water under the bridge and worth it or if it’s time for me to just worry about me (and my children, of course). But for right now, I will keep forging ahead, applying and applying and applying, until I get somewhere.

Thanks for reading and for letting me vent. Have a great day!